{"id":23050,"date":"2014-01-03T11:00:03","date_gmt":"2014-01-03T19:00:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=23050"},"modified":"2016-05-20T07:18:50","modified_gmt":"2016-05-20T14:18:50","slug":"gambling-addiction-has-taken-over-my-brothers-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/gambling-addiction-has-taken-over-my-brothers-life","title":{"rendered":"Gambling Addiction Has Taken Over My Brother’s Life"},"content":{"rendered":"

Thank you for writing. The fact that your brother is angry at you for helping his family is a likely indication of how severe his gambling<\/a> has become. (In addition to his seeking “lower companions,” as 12-step literature says.) Your question reminds me of how powerful family \u201csystems\u201d are, especially those affected by (what sounds like) addiction or compulsive behavior<\/a>. It\u2019s remarkable that you are being generous enough to allow his family to stay with you but wonder if you\u2019re doing \u201cenough.\u201d I think the short answer is yes. You\u2019re doing a great service.<\/p>\n

But you ask another question that bears some examining, namely, \u201cAm I doing the right thing here?\u201d I\u2019m coming to the conclusion that when compulsivity or addiction is involved, there is no \u201cright thing.\u201d For instance, partners of addicted spouses will ask me, \u201cIs the right thing to stay or go? Try to help them get into rehab or is that enabling?\u201d The right answer is yes and <\/i>no to all of the above.<\/p>\n

The downside to completely detaching (generally speaking, mind you) is that you begin to feel guilt<\/a> or self-criticism<\/a> for being aloof; if you get caught up too much in helping and it goes nowhere, you are likely to feel resentful, taken for granted, and so on. So I suppose there\u2019s this magical balance that much smarter folks than I have not yet figured out. I suppose that, like all things human, God (or the devil) is in the detail. But gambling is particularly destructive because it involves money, which can crush a family\u2019s resources like Thor\u2019s hammer.<\/p>\n

The advantage here\u2014not always the case\u2014is that your brother knows<\/i> he has a problem. Not knowing how to stop is nothing to be ashamed of. Addiction or compulsivity on the level we\u2019re talking about is as much a disease as depression or anxiety. (In fact, addiction parallels both.) How does a person \u201cstop\u201d bipolar<\/a>? Or diabetes? Well, you see a professional. Fortunately, there are self-help meetings (Gamblers Anonymous) as well as addiction therapists or even treatment centers (such as the Control Center in Los Angeles or Sierra Tucson or The Meadows in Arizona) that can help. (More treatment centers are taking insurance these days.)<\/p>\n

The point is, he doesn\u2019t have to know how to stop because he probably can\u2019t. (Step 1 in a 12-step program is saying, essentially, that you can\u2019t stop and your life is chaotic due to that fact.) Also, you might check your own motives in that many family members in your position may (1) minimize the addiction (is it really that bad? Sadly, yes), (2) think you can \u201cdo something\u201d best left to a professional counselor or psychologist, or (3) doubt yourself for not \u201cdoing more.\u201d You cannot will a person with depression to get better by good intentions; ditto with addiction. The most eloquent Shakespearean speech will not convince an addicted person to do squat. Usually it comes down to setting consequences for the addicted person that may sound hard but tend to get attention: If you don\u2019t stop, you\u2019re going to ruin your family and\/or lose your wife and\/or access to your children. If you don\u2019t stop, I need to pull away and detach until you get help; it\u2019s too painful for me to watch a ship sink while the captain refuses life boats.<\/i> Many people addicted to alcohol<\/a>, for instance, don\u2019t get help until their second, third, or fourth DUI. Many with sex addiction<\/a> don\u2019t stop until their partner threatens to end the relationship. And so forth.<\/p>\n

You may also try to organize a family intervention, either informally or formally. This is trickier than it looks (despite what the movies and TV show us). I know some interventionists who would be willing to consult with you (perhaps for free or low cost) should you want more information on this; you can contact me via this website for more information.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re obviously a very caring and loving brother or you wouldn\u2019t be writing. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is tell the addicted part of the person, \u201cWe\u2019re sick of you and how you\u2019ve hijacked the person we love.\u201d I would add that the sooner you and other family members\u2014and your brother\u2014take action, the better. Addiction is progressive and, like a shark, stays hungry and keeps moving. Thanks again for writing.<\/p>\n

Best wishes,
\nDarren<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Darren Haber, MA, MFT, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[447,522,433,25],"class_list":["post-23050","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","tag-addictions-compulsions","tag-dear-gt","tag-gambling-addiction","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23050","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=23050"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23050\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=23050"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=23050"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=23050"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}