{"id":22885,"date":"2013-11-22T09:00:53","date_gmt":"2013-11-22T16:00:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=22885"},"modified":"2017-06-12T19:16:45","modified_gmt":"2017-06-13T02:16:45","slug":"gender-identity-shame-and-the-search-for-authenticity","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/gender-identity-shame-and-search-for-authenticity-1122131","title":{"rendered":"Gender Identity, Shame, and the Search for Authenticity"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"man'sRecently I was walking through the grocery store, stopped in the deodorant section, and found myself dismayed. The women\u2019s deodorants didn\u2019t appeal to me at all—too pink, too delicate, too flowery-smelling—and I couldn\u2019t bring myself to pick one up. Yet my other options, the men\u2019s deodorants, were distinctly off-limits. What a fraud I would be, were I to even pick up one of these black, musky-smelling containers of sweat-defying deodorant. So there I was, stuck in the middle of a decision that seemed so silly and small yet so huge at the same time.<\/p>\n

Maybe a similar monologue has run through your head, or you\u2019ve heard a similar story from someone you know or love.<\/p>\n

We live in a society that demands for us to choose, around every corner, what box to check. For those who have begun to understand that gender<\/a> may be an ambiguous presence inside them, making sense of what\u2019s true on the inside and what\u2019s fabricated from the outside is a difficult process. Even coming to terms with that nagging sense that you may not be like most other people is a feat of grand proportion. If you\u2019re reading this and this describes you, just know that you\u2019re not alone—more and more people are discovering a similar thing about themselves.<\/p>\n

Gender identity<\/i> is a term that describes the way you relate to your gender most authentically. Gender expression<\/i> is the way you choose to outwardly express this sense of identity<\/a> (and note that these two things can be different). When we talk about gender identity, questioning, and the process of working through this, we\u2019re talking about finding what\u2019s true for yourself on the inside, reconciling this with your biological sex, and any expectations the outside world may have for your gender expression.<\/p>\n

There are many different ways to identify and express yourself, and so finding what feels authentic for you can be a much larger process than simply determining whether you feel more male or more female. For many, ambiguity plays a central role in how they identify, and making a cut-and-dry statement about identity is nearly impossible. Others feel very clearly that their most authentic experience is to live as another gender.<\/p>\n

Ultimately, it\u2019s important to understand that gender is complex and cannot be reduced to two polarities. I\u2019ve been exposed to different ways of visualizing gender, including as a spectrum, a continuum, and a web; all highlight the fact that there is a lot of space for you to explore in the realm of gender. Wherever you find yourself, if it feels right, is absolutely acceptable.<\/p>\n

In my work with people who are exploring the complexity of gender in their lives, we often start with the question of where to be amidst this grand universe of gender. When do you feel most authentically you? What aspects of different genders do you like or dislike? Do you like being different, or would you rather be able to fit in more? Is androgyny appealing to you? Do labels help or hurt you? <\/i>These are a launching point for many, many other questions and discussions surrounding the idea of gender and how it plays out in each individual\u2019s life.<\/p>\n

At different points along the process it becomes necessary to focus on the internalized sense of judgment, shame<\/a>, or oppression often present in people questioning their gender identity. We all have it, no matter who we are, simply because we live in a society that generates phobia based on gender ambiguity. We have all been led to believe that there is something wrong if a person either can\u2019t be coded into a gender, or if a person is clearly expressing themselves as the \u201cwrong\u201d gender.<\/p>\n

As much as we intellectually understand that there is nothing wrong with these scenarios, something inside us wells up with a very uncomfortable and deep sense of shame that can be challenging to transform. Unraveling these feelings so that we can clearly see that it\u2019s a product of faulty messaging and not about us, nor our fault, is paramount to developing a sense of empowerment.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re experiencing some of this shame, or simply a feeling of wanting to keep everything hidden, what do you do?<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Shine a light into the dark recesses of your experience. <\/b>Shame builds on itself when we don\u2019t talk about things, so the simple act of sharing your story with someone you trust can be monumentally freeing. This experience can reinforce two things: that you\u2019re a normal human who embodies basic goodness, and that you don\u2019t have to feel overpowered by your shame. In essence, you have control.<\/li>\n
  2. Talk with someone who can help you analyze the external and internal messages you\u2019re holding about yourself.<\/b> Our minds fill in the blanks with reasoning when we feel something but don\u2019t know why. So when we feel put off because someone gave us a strange look, or because someone misgendered us, our minds go into a flurry of activity to help us make sense of our feelings<\/a>. We come up with a reason for their reaction, and often times this reason is based upon messages we\u2019ve encountered in the world.\u00a0Often they were things we were led to believe early on in our lives about who we are, whereas other times the messages are things we\u2019ve taken in as a belief because if we didn\u2019t believe them, we would be too disconnected from society. Our psyches<\/a> ultimately want connection, and things that threaten that connection are formed into aspects of the self that need repair. We assume that something needs to be repaired, or that there\u2019s something wrong with who we are. In both cases, there is a message about the self that needs reframing, and this is where the deeper work of therapy can be really helpful.<\/li>\n
  3. Practice being with these uncomfortable feelings. <\/b>Again, this is where working with a therapist can be invaluable. We need to develop our own ability to tolerate the deep discomfort of shame, and until we do this we won\u2019t be able to transform these feelings into something positive. Learning to tolerate discomfort is a subtle and sometimes slow process that requires compassion<\/a>, patience, space, and the presence of someone who can be a helpful guide.<\/li>\n
  4. From tolerance to acceptance. <\/b>Gender roles and norms haven\u2019t changed much in the last several hundred years, and some of this is attributed to brain-based gender differences. New research is being done on the brain structure of people who identify as transgender, and there is evidence to support the idea that the brain structure of transgender people is different than that of people who are cisgendered (people whose gender identity is congruent with their biological sex, i.e., a biologically born female who identifies as female). There\u2019s also a growing camp of researchers who argue that culture and nurturing<\/a> actually shape the way we behave. So, if we assume that both of these sides are valid, we can put to rest some of the questioning around why <\/i>and concentrate on the idea that what\u2019s right for you is right.<\/i> Once we can accept this and discern fabricated ideals from true ideals, we can move through the world from an empowered place where being different than the norm is totally worth it. Being in this place is what connects us to others, and this connection is what effects change in society.<\/li>\n
  5. Have a good vent about the superficiality of gender messaging in our society. <\/b>Complain away! There\u2019s a lot that needs changing, and at the very least you can look at all of these things with someone who gets it. Most people can relate with the feeling of being placed in a box that doesn\u2019t fit who they really are.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Amy Winchester, MA, LPC – Gender identity and expression are vastly different, and more people seem to be recognizing gender as a spectrum, not a dichotomy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2699,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,434,25,111],"class_list":["post-22885","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-identity-issues","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-shame"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22885","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2699"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=22885"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22885\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=22885"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=22885"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=22885"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}