Thanks for your question. I can imagine your chagrin at your husband shifting from what sounds like frequent acquiescence to \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no more Mr. Doormat.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The problem, however, is that in his new \u00e2\u20ac\u0153take no prisoners\u00e2\u20ac\u009d approach he has become rigid and defensive. At least in some areas; you say he is loving and affectionate, though the defensiveness sounds anything but. Is there a particular topic that seems to trigger his hard-line stands?<\/p>\n
I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re familiar with the impressive work of John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, but they list defensiveness and stonewalling as two of the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Four (marital) Horsemen of the Apocalypse.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d (Contempt and criticism are the others.) Because compromise and flexibility are key to an evolving relationship, I can understand your frustration and hurt feelings. Good you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re addressing it, otherwise resentment and withdrawal may ensue. It sounds like you are starting to feel what he<\/i> felt in his previous marriages, except in this new casting you<\/i> are expected to say \u00e2\u20ac\u0153OK\u00e2\u20ac\u009d to everything, and clearly that is not going to work.<\/p>\n
I guess one question I would have is, does he really understand how his new attitude is hurting you? I suppose from a psychodynamic point of view one might say he is defending against feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem, but he is shifting all of the focus on the outside instead of processing the hurt feelings that may still remain from his previous marriage. You say he is dealing with insecurity, shame, and regret from his previous marriage, all painful, yes\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut something to share with you in a tender way, or with a therapist to process and move beyond these internal reactions. (I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not sure why I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m saying this, but intuitively I sense it might be good for him to find a male therapist to discuss this with, or even a men\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s therapy group to find his own voice in all this, without having to go to extremes.)<\/p>\n
In any event, it is never a good idea to meet rigidity with rigidity, at least when it comes to relationships (we can see how great it works in the nation\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s capital, too). Lasting intimacy rests on trust, and trust requires vulnerability, acknowledgment, mutuality, and an atmosphere of empathy. Your husband seems empathically disconnected from his behavior, which forces you to pull back to protect yourself. I suggest you sit down and tell him how you feel when he acts in such a defensive manner. Try to focus on your own feelings, as opposed to \u00e2\u20ac\u0153you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re being defensive,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d etc. I find it more effective to say \u00e2\u20ac\u0153it really hurts and feels like you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t care when you \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The hope is that he will listen with his heart and understand that he is harming his beloved with this new stance (the flip side of total acquiescence), and will be motivated to change. Finally, if nothing else works, some marriage counseling might help you talk to each other in a way that breeds closeness rather than hurt. Thanks again for writing.<\/p>\n
Respectfully,
\nDarren<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Thanks for your question. I can imagine your chagrin at your husband shifting from what sounds like frequent acquiescence to \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no more Mr. Doormat.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The problem, however, is that in his new \u00e2\u20ac\u0153take no prisoners\u00e2\u20ac\u009d approach he has become rigid and defensive. At least in some areas; you say he is loving and affectionate, though […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[522,25,41],"class_list":["post-21772","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","tag-dear-gt","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21772","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=21772"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21772\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=21772"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=21772"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=21772"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}