Thanks for your question. This is a fascinating dilemma, in that many who wrestle with similar issues often have trouble achieving anything, let alone the impressive roster you list above.<\/p>\n
I think my first suggestion is to simply get curious about what is happening here. I\u2019m a fan of what I call \u201cemotional mindfulness,\u201d meaning paying close attention to what happens, exactly, when you choose and take action toward a specific goal. When you start job hunting, are you filled with excitement? Anxiety? Dread? Pressure? Are you motivated to not let others down, and does it feel like the very goal itself is instilled by others\u2019 priorities rather than your own? And if you don\u2019t feel pride, what is it you feel? Pressure? Irritation? Emptiness?<\/p>\n
Actually, everybody <\/i>wants to please others to some degree, especially their parents. I\u2019m reminded of this every time my baby daughter does something amusing; I smile or laugh, and she responds in kind. We are born wanting what Kohut called psychological \u201cmirroring,\u201d or having our progress mirrored in the pleased expressions of our folks. In fact, Kohut (founder of self-psychology) called the need for mirroring one of the essentials of human development. But there are other developmental needs, including individuation, or finding your own path, vocation, and values that give you satisfaction. Do you feel the choices given to you by parents, or \u201csociety\u201d in general, are too narrow?<\/p>\n
You seem to derive little or no pleasure from your very real achievements, and seem to almost blame yourself (\u201cWhat\u2019s my deal?\u201d). Again, I\u2019m curious as to the disconnect, and to the overall context in which this is happening. I\u2019m sure it\u2019s not your \u201cdeal\u201d alone. Perhaps you\u2019ve come to believe, through your experiences, that there are high expectations on you, and a risk of not fulfilling them.<\/p>\n
You\u2019re at an age where it\u2019s appropriate to begin a more adult individuation process, to begin to explore what makes you <\/i>happy, and ask existential life questions such as, \u201cWhat\u2019s so great about a 9-to-5 job?\u201d and, \u201cDo I really want to be a cog in the big machine?\u201d and, \u201cIs there more to life than wife and kids and paying bills?\u201d and, \u201cWhat\u2019s it all about for me<\/i>?\u201d In this sense, your question reflects a very healthy awareness and a hunger for self-expansion, and that\u2019s a good thing. However, the risk is that others may have a different reaction to \u201cthe new you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Every individual is different, but I traveled a lot when I was your age, wrote (unproduced) plays in cafes, made short films, and lived in Europe for a year. I\u2019m not recommending this by any means, but I experimented quite a bit \u2026 with filmmaking, travel, volunteer work, dating, meditation, and so forth. It really helped inform my decisions later on when it came time to \u201cgrow up\u201d and hunker down on career and marriage. My parents weren\u2019t always thrilled, but so it goes.<\/p>\n
What gives you pleasure or motivates you? Are you concerned that, should you pursue a more individual path, others won\u2019t approve? If that\u2019s the case, it\u2019s a good time to start individuating, and finding your own way and learning to tolerate disapproval. I have found, both personally and with clients, that the people who love you do so unconditionally, regardless of your r\u00e9sum\u00e9 and achievements. Most disapproval is temporary; people adjust. If not, a conversation needs to happen regarding the rigid \u201crequirements\u201d one feels to continue receiving approval. Self-denial and approval seeking are high prices to pay, and in the long run not a psychologically healthy recipe for love and life.<\/p>\n
Perhaps, as with many your age, what lights the inner spark is not yet known to you. If that\u2019s true, that\u2019s OK, but it might be time to do some soul-searching, or consult with a career counselor or even a therapist to look at other options you might find interesting \u2026 because now is the time to experiment and explore avenues (safely) that you might not have considered. Perhaps there is some kind of pressure to do what\u2019s expected of you, leading to a feeling of emptiness and\/or resentment. Do you feel others will be \u201cdisappointed\u201d if you don\u2019t do the expected thing? Is there a risk in doing things for yourself rather than for those in your life? Are you concerned they\u2019ll \u201creject\u201d or abandon you in some way?<\/p>\n
The other possibility\u2014and again, this is highly speculative and to be taken lightly, since I don\u2019t know you at all\u2014is that there is some dysthymic or depressive symptomology here, or other organic condition which might be undermining average serotonin or dopamine processing in your system. You might want to get a checkup to rule out anything medical or psychiatric first.<\/p>\n
The first step in any change is the kind of awareness you\u2019re bringing to the situation. Try if you can to be patient and compassionate with yourself, and see this as a process. The question you raise is a crucial and common one at your stage of life; you might not get the answer as quickly as you like, but stay with it and keep seeking\u2014this is precisely the kind of exploration that can open more doors (and perspectives) than you might think. Thanks again for writing.<\/p>\n
Kind regards,
\nDarren<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Thanks for your question. This is a fascinating dilemma, in that many who wrestle with similar issues often have trouble achieving anything, let alone the impressive roster you list above. I think my first suggestion is to simply get curious about what is happening here. I\u2019m a fan of what I call \u201cemotional mindfulness,\u201d meaning […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[522,391,450,25],"class_list":["post-21425","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","tag-dear-gt","tag-emotional-intelligence","tag-individuation","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21425","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=21425"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21425\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=21425"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=21425"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=21425"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}