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Why do some things spark sexual excitement for one person while those same things leave another person quite uninterested?<\/p>\nWhy do some things spark sexual excitement for one person while those same things leave another person quite uninterested?<\/p>\n
I frequently speak to people who are upset because they\u2019re indulging in sexually compulsive behaviors that cause problems in their lives. (I want to emphasize these are not the same as turn-ons or fetishes<\/a> that any couple might happily incorporate into love-making or sexual play. No problems there!)<\/p>\n Sometimes sexual feelings<\/a> and behaviors become a problem because they get in the way of healthy intimacy. For example, one man secretly discovered porn on Dad\u2019s smart phone at an early age. Now he becomes sexually aroused whenever he\u2019s alone and picks up his smart phone. Another grew up in a rural area where he peeked into the outhouse to watch female family members urinate. Now he uses spy cams in restrooms or pays prostitutes to give \u201cgolden showers.\u201d<\/p>\n Women also find themselves thinking and participating in sometimes dangerous behaviors that are sparked by early experiences that are exciting, confusing, or, more often, traumatic<\/a>. For example, if a woman experiences sexual, physical, or emotional abuse<\/a> as a child she may move into adulthood finding that again and again she is attracted to dangerous, high-risk sexual encounters with volatile or unavailable people.<\/p>\n When sex becomes a problem, it is useful to explore our arousal template, which is a mix of physiology and learning based on relational or sexual experiences. A template is a pattern or blue print of how and why individuals think or behave in habitual ways. Arousal is an automatic knee-jerk sexual reaction that is usually closely related to excitement, fear<\/a>, or how we\u2019ve been wounded.<\/p>\n Almost anything can become an unconscious trigger that cues us to become sexually excited or aroused. The Internet provides thousands of examples. Numerous websites feature young girls (often fully clothed) smoking cigarettes<\/a>. These sites cater to men who became obsessed as adolescents with girls who smoke. Objects that are sexualized include shoes, cars, lingerie, or anything made of leather. This last example can be linked with sensation (the feel of leather against the skin) or scent.<\/p>\n