{"id":21224,"date":"2013-09-19T11:00:30","date_gmt":"2013-09-19T18:00:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=21224"},"modified":"2015-12-02T12:16:11","modified_gmt":"2015-12-02T20:16:11","slug":"the-lies-we-tell-when-we-are-depressed","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/lies-we-tell-when-we-are-depressed-0919135","title":{"rendered":"The Lies We Tell When We Are Depressed"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"womanEven the most honest people are faced with lying when they are depressed<\/a>. This is yet another indignity adding to the suffering of depression. The most obvious and pervasive example is the frequent, daily question, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How are you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d It is a social convention to greet friends, strangers, and acquaintances with this question. Frankly, most of us lie in response to this question, or at least shade or limit the truth, because people generally don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to hear the true answer when they ask. Convention tells us to answer, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m fine, thanks; how are you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d For most people most of the time, this isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t a big deal. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s just a formality that facilitates greeting people, and is understood as a friendly hello. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not generally a problem because mostly people are fine, and don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t need to tell someone about the rash on their butt or the dog poo they stepped in.<\/p>\n

But for a depressed person, the lies required for social convention are constant, and they create more and more isolation and separateness<\/a> from other people. They reinforce a sense of having a shameful secret<\/a> that no one wants to know or help them resolve. It reinforces a sense of being a burden or unlovable. All of these thoughts are common in depression, and to have them reinforced all day long by multiple people is crushing. Many people deal with it by isolating themselves from others if they can.<\/p>\n

Of course, we all expect to lie to store clerks and other strangers, or even coworkers or neighbors, when they ask how we are and the truthful answer is too personal. But what about when a doctor asks\u00e2\u20ac\u201dor clergy, someone we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re dating, our parents, our children, or our friends? What if what we are thinking is, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I hate myself,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m disgusting,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a failure,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Everyone would be better off if I were dead,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stand the emotional pain anymore,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or even \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Day after day I can barely get out of bed, and when I do, I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do anything\u00e2\u20ac\u201dI\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m neglecting my children and spouse, doing a terrible job at work, and have no interest or joy in anything\u00e2\u20ac\u009d?<\/p>\n

[fat_widget_left]If people say these thoughts aloud, they are likely to get an upsetting response. Some will tell them they don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really feel that way, or shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel that way. Some will try to cheer them up. Others will shame or blame them for how they suffer. Many will get scared; some may laugh. Some will distance themselves. Even some inexperienced therapists may get distracted by their fear of suicide<\/a> and shift focus to keeping the person alive rather than addressing the pain. Good friends may listen and care, but if the condition is chronic, they get tired of listening to the same scary, depressing point of view that is their friend\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s experience.<\/p>\n

Here\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s an example of the kind of conversation depressed people have all the time, in this case between friends. The italics indicate unspoken thoughts.<\/p>\n

Friend:<\/b> \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hi, how are you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Depressed person:<\/b> I feel like crap, but if I say that, she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll think I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m being negative and tease me about being Eeyore. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to alienate her or make her depressed, and I also don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to answer a lot of questions to explain or justify how I feel. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d better act like I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m OK. Maybe she won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t notice.<\/i> \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m fine, how are you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Friend:<\/b> She doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t look good, but I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to pry, and I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what to do if I find out she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not OK, so I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll just wait for her to tell me what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s wrong. Exercise would probably help her\u00e2\u20ac\u201dmaybe I can inspire her.<\/i> \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m good\u00e2\u20ac\u201djust had a great workout.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Depressed person:<\/b> Oh, god, she thinks I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a fat slug. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have the energy to brush my teeth, much less work out. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a worthless piece of crap. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll never be a normal person like her. Everyone else just goes on with their lives, and everything would go on the same way without me. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m really not a participant in life; I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m just dead weight. <\/i>\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Wow, that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s awesome. I have to get back to the gym, too. How\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re the kids?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Friend:<\/b> If I entertain her with stories, maybe it will cheer her up \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/i><\/p>\n

Depressed person (tuning in and out of stories):<\/b> I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve told her how crappy I felt\u00e2\u20ac\u201dor some of it\u00e2\u20ac\u201dboth times I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve seen her recently. If she knows I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m still depressed, she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll probably be bored and overwhelmed and won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to see me again until I feel better. Maybe I can just talk about one problem. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153<\/i>Yeah, I really worry about my kids. Henry punched a kid at school the other day \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The depressed person walks away from the visit feeling alone in her secret life and drained from keeping the secret.<\/p>\n

This is one of the most important reasons to find an experienced, qualified depression therapist when depression lasts longer than a few weeks. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s essential to be able to tell someone the whole truth about how much you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re suffering, without concern that the person will discount you, disbelieve, judge, get distracted by fear<\/a> about what you are saying, or respond with boredom, irritation, or impatience. As obvious as that may sound, not many people can do this for others.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Adding to its many indignities, depression all but requires an untruthful response to even simple inquiries about our well-being.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2390,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[31,161,408,25],"class_list":["post-21224","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-depression","tag-isolation","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21224","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2390"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=21224"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21224\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=21224"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=21224"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=21224"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}