{"id":20376,"date":"2013-08-05T09:00:36","date_gmt":"2013-08-05T16:00:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=20376"},"modified":"2016-09-20T14:53:01","modified_gmt":"2016-09-20T21:53:01","slug":"five-assumptions-that-will-damage-your-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/five-assumptions-that-will-damage-your-marriage-0805137","title":{"rendered":"Five Assumptions that Will Damage Your Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Ashley-and-Dan-Bush\"Editor’s note:<\/strong>\u00a0Ashley Davis Bush, LICSW, and Daniel Arthur Bush, PhD, are co-authors of\u00a0<\/em>75 Habits for a Happy Marriage. Their<\/em>\u00a0continuing education presentation for GoodTherapy.org, titled\u00a0<\/em>Helping Couples Connect When Life Is Pulling Them Apart, is scheduled for 9 a.m. PDT on September 13. The event is good for 1.5 CE credits and is available at no cost to GoodTherapy.org members.<\/em>\u00a0For details, or to register, please\u00a0click here<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cMelissa\u201d and \u201cGeorge\u201d have been married<\/a> for 19 years. Nine years ago, George\u2019s excessive drinking had led to a separation. George admitted to his addiction<\/a> and checked himself into a rehabilitation center. They reunited after six months, and George has been sober ever since.<\/p>\n

They were in my office now because Melissa was feeling unfulfilled in their marriage. George had reluctantly agreed to come. \u201cIt\u2019s not like I\u2019m drinking anymore\u201d he said, \u201cso really, we\u2019re fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

That\u2019s when I heard the first damaging assumption: \u201cThings are OK as long as there aren\u2019t any BIG problems, such as addiction, adultery, or abuse<\/b>.\u201d<\/b> WRONG. Certainly, those issues are significant, but marriages fall apart on far less. Bad habits such as under-appreciation, frequent exits, chronic complaining, and gradual distancing are the more frequent causes of death for a marriage. The four horsemen of John Gottman<\/a>\u2019s book, 7 Principles for Making Your Marriage Work, <\/i>speak directly to this assumption.<\/p>\n

In the course of the intake, I asked George if he loved Melissa. Melissa looked up expectantly, waiting for his answer. He replied, \u201cWell, sure, she knows that I do. It\u2019s not like I need to tell her every day.\u201d Melissa sat back, deflated.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s when I heard the second damaging assumption: \u201cMy spouse knows that I love him\/her. I don\u2019t need to say it regularly<\/b>.\u201d<\/b> WRONG. An important part of being in a romantic relationship is making sure that your partner knows, every single day, that you love him or her. Some people want to know this in words; others prefer that the message is communicated by actions or touch. Know how your partner wishes to receive your love message. This assumption is the topic of Gary Chapman\u2019s book, The Five Love Languages<\/i>.<\/p>\n

Melissa and George had arrived at a place in their marriage where they simply didn\u2019t understand where the other was coming from. They both felt stuck and unappreciated.<\/p>\n

They were also holding on to the third relationship-eroding assumption: \u201cMy partner must have the same emotional needs and communication style as I do.\u201d <\/b>We all have unique neurological, biological, and social differences. And there are some dramatic differences between men and women in how they cope with stress<\/a>, communicate<\/a> their feelings, and get their intimacy needs met. Acknowledging and accepting the ways in which your partner is different from you is a crucial step in making your relationship work. John Gray has helped millions drop this assumption through his book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.<\/i><\/p>\n

It was the collapse of the fourth and fifth assumptions that finally brought this couple to counseling. But other couples need to be on guard. The fourth common damaging assumption is: \u201cI know how my partner is feeling about our relationship.\u201d <\/b>MAYBE, but you need to find out for sure. Just because he or she isn\u2019t complaining all the time doesn\u2019t mean he\/she is satisfied. Take up the habit of asking your partner: \u201cAre you happy in our marriage?\u201d \u201cIs there anything that I can do to be a better partner?\u201d Don\u2019t wait until your partner drags you to marriage counseling to discover that he or she is unsatisfied. Conscious Loving, <\/i>by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, is an example of a book dedicated to communication antidotes to this crippling assumption.<\/p>\n

The fifth relationship-damaging assumption is: \u201cWe will never get divorced.\u201d<\/b> WRONG. A high percentage of people in divorce courts never thought they\u2019d be getting divorced<\/a>. Believing that it can\u2019t happen to you can lead to your becoming apathetic, complacent, and lazy. You begin to take your partner for granted. Instead, knowing that time is finite (either because divorce or death might be looming), you begin to treat the relationship with TLC. George and Melissa already knew that their relationship was subject to separation.<\/p>\n

However, once they realized that their assumptions had led to unhealthy and hurtful habits in their relationship, they began to turn things around. George, upon hearing that Melissa wasn\u2019t feeling loved, became open to new ways of communicating to her. Melissa responded to his attention so positively that it was easy for them to embrace each other\u2019s differences and develop new habits that eventually evolved into a whole new way of being with each other.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Ashley Davis Bush, LICSW, and Daniel Arthur Bush, PhD – Think all is well in your marriage? It may very well be, but you might want to ask your partner.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2672,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[31,387,25,41],"class_list":["post-20376","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-communication-problems","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20376","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2672"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=20376"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20376\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=20376"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=20376"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=20376"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}