Thanks so much for your question. Boy, it sounds like you\u2019re going through a really tough time, and I\u2019m sorry to hear about your childhood abuse; I know how intrusive and debilitating posttraumatic stress symptoms can be. What\u2019s kind of a \u201cdouble whammy\u201d here is the fact therapy doesn\u2019t seem to be helping. What\u2019s interesting to me is that it sounds as though it\u2019s all up to you <\/i>to make it work, when in fact the therapist is a 50\/50 collaborator in the process. It\u2019s sad to me you feel you\u2019re \u201cblindly\u201d fumbling around, as if you have no help finding direction. I always challenge my clients when they take whole blame for any \u201cstuckness.\u201d Therapist and client form a system, like two atoms in a molecule, and every relational system seems to reach a kind of homeostasis, or regular pattern, which on the one hand provides a sense of stability and reliability, but on the other can lead to the sort of stalemate you\u2019re talking about. I would agree with you that you\u2019re not capable of change by yourself; <\/i>your therapist needs to be an active participant, and the way you describe therapy makes it sound as though there\u2019s tremendous distance between you two.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m also curious as to what made you decide to quit at that particular juncture. A sense of boredom? Frustration? Sometimes it takes time to get to a point where change begins, but until then it can feel eternally slow. I\u2019m not saying that\u2019s happening here, but sometimes we hit a wall, and just beyond the wall is a new phase. Always darkest before the dawn, as the clich\u00e9 goes. Sometimes it\u2019s true.<\/p>\n
I want to tell you that\u2014and I have zero doubt about this\u2014your therapist is part of the problem here, and the solution. Therapy is, in part, a business arrangement, and as the customer you are not satisfied and have every right to voice your concerns. I would strongly encourage you to have at least one more session and air your true feelings. Let it all hang out; we\u2019re professionals, but we\u2019re not perfect, and feedback is terribly important. Yes, it\u2019s true that we are \u201cexperts\u201d of a kind, but psychology is not medicine (it\u2019s part art\/part science, in my view). Everyone is different <\/i>and comes with his or her own history, perceptions, feelings and interpretations that warrant close exploration so that you and your therapist can co-construct a way of working that you both feel is productive and going somewhere. It\u2019s almost like co-creating a language that exists solely within the \u201cpsychic sphere\u201d of therapy, to borrow Freud\u2019s phrase.<\/p>\n
On another note: One of the many sad things about trauma is it can challenge us in forming attachments to others, including, of course, to the therapist. He or she may become an authority or parental figure whom we are afraid to confront, but clients often report that it is very healing for them to tell me the truth when something bothers them, and to have me listen and understand each of our contributions so we can work it through. Some of the very best work happens when a client is unhappy with something and we process it. Additionally, there are often beliefs about the self based on past abuse that have to be brought to light. Some may unconsciously feel they \u201cdeserve\u201d to suffer because of the belief that they brought the trauma on themselves. To a child, assuming they are the cause is less frightening than no cause at all. I hear a note of this when you ask if you are capable of change. Everyone <\/i>is capable of change, my friend\u2014in fact, we are changing every second of every day! We are organic, physically and psychologically. It\u2019s the illusion or experience of staying the same that is so painful. (The new gray hairs I saw in the mirror today are testament to this.)<\/p>\n
There are even unconscious motives for change not <\/i>to happen, in some cases. Abuse and mistreatment are often, tragically, the only way some caretakers have ever related to their children; clinging to the symptoms is, symbolically (for some), a way of holding on to Mom or Dad. Some would rather believe they <\/i>are bad than accept that their caretaker, often idealized, treated them so horribly. It\u2019s like losing a parent, and the underlying grief and loss can create terrible apprehension. All of this needs to be explored in the consulting room.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m describing a very psychodynamic way of working, by the way. There are other modalities to employ with these types of injuries, including cognitive behavioral therapy, EMDR, somatic experiencing, neurofeedback, spirituality, peer support, and so forth. I use an eclectic mix, depending on what the client finds helpful. But again, without sustained feedback, I don\u2019t know what\u2019s helpful.<\/p>\n
You might also look into a peer support group instead of, or in addition to, individual treatment. Finding a group of people who can relate and accept you as you are, because of (not in spite of) your challenges, can be tremendously healing.<\/p>\n
Please don\u2019t give up. I recommend that you talk to your therapist or try with another one, and ask for a treatment plan or set of goals that you both agree are obtainable and desirable. Each goal should have specific methods or ways of working that you both, again, feel comfortable with. The technique of therapy shouldn\u2019t be a mystery; there are many unknowns, of course, but this isn\u2019t hocus pocus and there have been some tried-and-true methods shown to work over the past hundred years. The key one appears to be a trusting relationship with your therapist, and I think that even if you decide this one ultimately isn\u2019t for you, you deserve a fair hearing as to why you\u2019re unhappy and the changes you\u2019d really like to see (and what seems to be getting in the way). You don\u2019t and shouldn\u2019t have to go through this alone.<\/p>\n
Respectfully,
\nDarren<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Thanks so much for your question. Boy, it sounds like you?re going through a really tough time, and I?m sorry to hear about your childhood abuse; I know how intrusive and debilitating posttraumatic stress symptoms can be. What?s kind of a ?double whammy? here is the fact therapy doesn?t seem to be helping. What?s interesting […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[522,25,392,416],"class_list":["post-19320","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","tag-dear-gt","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-self-criticism","tag-self-doubt"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19320","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19320"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19320\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19320"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19320"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19320"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}