You are not alone in your dilemma, and it is a tough one. You\u2019ve prepared yourself and created the kind of life you want for your future family. Unfortunately, \u201cif you build it, they will come\u201d doesn\u2019t really work when it comes to finding a partner and having children.<\/p>\n
In my work with couples, particularly couples who have recently become parents, I see how difficult it is for many of them to maintain a solid partner relationship while attending to their new parenting duties. This is exponentially more difficult for couples who do not have a solid foundation to their relationship. I hear your very real fears, and generally, when we are driven by fear we don\u2019t always make the best choices. If you rush into a commitment with someone so that you can have a child by a specific deadline, you risk overlooking some incompatibilities that may be problematic in the future.<\/p>\n
You are right, however, that time is a factor, and I am wondering if you\u2019ve considered alternatives to your original dream of finding a great partner and starting a family together. One of the biggest challenges of your dream is that you don\u2019t really have control over how it works out. You can\u2019t simply will the right guy into existence, you can\u2019t ensure that he will be the kind of partner and co-parent you want, and you can\u2019t guarantee that you will be able to conceive a healthy child together in the right amount of time.<\/p>\n
With so many things out of your control, it would be natural to feel helpless, frustrated, anxious, and stressed\u2014not a great frame of mind for dating. It might be helpful to open yourself up to some alternative plans. Instead of an all-or-nothing approach, would you consider, for example, waiting for the right partner and adopting or fostering if your childbearing \u201cwindow\u201d had passed? Would you consider having a child by yourself and on your own timeline? What options would you consider? What elements can you let go of?<\/p>\n
Having alternative plans that you can live with can relieve some of the pressure you are feeling and, very likely, the men you are dating may be feeling as well. By all means, keep pursuing your original dream, but knowing that you have alternative plans that work for you might help you relax. Incidentally, chances are much greater that you will attract the kind of man you want when you are relaxed and content rather than stressed and anxious.<\/p>\n
To really open yourself up to alternatives, however, you may need to take some time to process and accept that your original dream might not come true. There is a grieving process involved in this that can be painful but ultimately freeing. You don\u2019t have to do it alone. You can get support from friends and family, or work with a therapist to come to terms with the very real loss that comes from letting go of the vision of the life you expected to lead. It can be a difficult but powerful process. Mourning the loss of a future you hoped to have can ultimately lead you to a place of being able to accept and embrace the future you will have.<\/p>\n
Best of luck!
\nErika<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
You are not alone in your dilemma, and it is a tough one. You\u2019ve prepared yourself and created the kind of life you want for your future family. Unfortunately, \u201cif you build it, they will come\u201d doesn\u2019t really work when it comes to finding a partner and having children. In my work with couples, particularly […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2592,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[522,380,25,244],"class_list":["post-17778","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","tag-dear-gt","tag-pregnancy-and-birthing","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-womens-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17778","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2592"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17778"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17778\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17778"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17778"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17778"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}