{"id":16975,"date":"2013-03-04T10:32:44","date_gmt":"2013-03-04T18:32:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=16975"},"modified":"2019-05-03T11:21:05","modified_gmt":"2019-05-03T18:21:05","slug":"the-tyrannical-culture-of-positivity","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/positive-thinking-emotional-support-0304135","title":{"rendered":"The Tyrannical Culture of Positivity"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Man\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Take a look at the bright side,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d we tell our loved ones when they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re feeling down. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153See the cup half full, not half empty.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d We help lift our friends by saying, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Cheer up! Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t dwell in the negative. Be grateful. Think about all that you have.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d If it seems our friends suffer from low self-esteem<\/a>, we extol their virtues and exclaim, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153People are attracted to positivity in others. Think positive thoughts and good things will happen to you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

We draw upon a large base of common wisdom in order to combat the slings and arrows of existence. And some of the time, we do all right. When a person carries a cheerful spirit into a room, there is a terrific splendor that is contagious. We support one another. We lend one another positive strength when needed.<\/p>\n

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With all its potential for good, positive thinking can at times act as an oppressive tyrant, an enemy of happiness. After all, if the solution were so straightforward, if we could think our way into happiness, then our world wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be riddled with chronic misery. The mandate to be positive and cheerful in our culture is so pervasive and powerful, even people in psychotherapy<\/a> feel a tremendous burden in simply communicating uncomfortable feelings to their therapists. Everyday popular treatment of emotions is hardly hearing someone out.<\/p>\n

The darker social message of an individual who insists on surrounding himself or herself exclusively with positive energy sounds something like this: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t whine. You sound like a baby. Get over it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The culture of positivity often forgets the need for the yin and yang, the harmony of opposites. It can squash the voices of hurt, dissent, disagreement, and injustice. Even more oppressive: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You are weak. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re taking on a victim mentality. Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be a victim.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The unwitting oppression marginalizes the voices of victims<\/a>\u00e2\u20ac\u201dvictims of trauma, of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.<\/p>\n

The fact is painful experiences can be uncomfortable to listen to. Nobody wants to upset their friends and family with feelings of discomfort. So, people become terrified of identifying as a victim. They deny trauma<\/a> they have endured in order to spare \u00e2\u20ac\u0153burdening\u00e2\u20ac\u009d loved ones. They fear being considered weak because they are being asked to do something impossible\u00e2\u20ac\u201dto get over it and move on. But in the case of trauma, the attempt to forget about it is the problem. Those who are identified as \u00e2\u20ac\u0153victims\u00e2\u20ac\u009d in our culture display exceptional bravery, refusing to act as though their hurt has disappeared, succumbing to the majority\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s desire for them to get over it. One cannot simply \u00e2\u20ac\u0153move on.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d To live a fully human life, one must embrace the good and the bad in themselves and others.<\/p>\n

At times a person needs to endure a feeling, state, or mood in order to grow. What the person needs is compassion–a trusted other to listen while he or she endures.<\/div>\n

It is true that some people dwell in cycles of negativity. But how do we know when we should or shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t attempt to lift them from their sorrows? The key is learning how to listen. At times a person needs to endure a feeling, state, or mood in order to grow. What the person needs is compassion<\/a>\u00e2\u20ac\u201da trusted other to listen while he or she endures his or her difficulties. Attempts to redirect the other toward positivity may be well intended, but may also lack compassion. Advocating a shift into a positive perspective may be received by the other as dismissive, even uncaring, depending on whether the listener is truly attuned to his or her friend\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s needs. After all, how can you truly listen to someone if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve already decided what he or she should feel and how he or she should think?<\/p>\n

Having compassion means feeling with<\/em> someone\u00e2\u20ac\u201dfinding one\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s way across the barrier of alienation. Having a need to redirect a friend\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s emotions may indicate a difficulty or unwillingness to join him or her in a troubled state. Some may fear being \u00e2\u20ac\u0153pulled down\u00e2\u20ac\u009d by another\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s troubles. Underneath the demand for oneself and others to stay positive is a terror about what lay on the other side of life, the darker side. Under the driven, fiery force of positive thinking lay immense anxiety<\/a>. Ultimately, that fear inhibits a more fruitful joy\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthat of authentic connection, an enduring togetherness in the wholeness of life.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Too often, emotional support of others takes the form of surface-level consolation, not compassion. The latter means being willing to listen and feel, even when it might be uncomfortable.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2591,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[31,387,391,378,25,441],"class_list":["post-16975","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-communication-problems","tag-emotional-intelligence","tag-helplessness-victimhood","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-values-clarification"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16975","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2591"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16975"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16975\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16975"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16975"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16975"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}