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When counseling parents and their children, I often refer to the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153love languages\u00e2\u20ac\u009d\u00e2\u20ac\u201dan idea coined by Dr. Gary Chapman, a relationship counselor most well known for the Love Languages<\/i> series of books.<\/p>\n
People express their love in a variety of ways, and what is important to one person may not be as much to another. If someone\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s top languages are not being met, it can lead to negative feelings and behaviors.<\/p>\n
The five love languages are as follows:<\/p>\n
While you may have heard of the love languages, you may not have applied them to the parent-child relationship. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s telling kids \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I love you\u00e2\u20ac\u009d in a language they respond to. Saying the words often isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t enough. Parents<\/a> often assume their kids know they are loved, but that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not always the case.<\/p>\n [fat_widget_right]<\/p>\n Love<\/a> should be unconditional, but is often displayed conditionally (such as when kids are good). Unconditional love can prevent problems such as resentment, feelings of guilt, fear<\/a>, anger<\/a>, low self-esteem<\/a>, and insecurity. Children<\/a> need to feel loved; if they don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t, they may seek approval elsewhere.<\/p>\n Now let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s talk about how to incorporate these into your daily lives:<\/p>\n 1. Some ways to incorporate physical touch<\/b> include hugging, kissing, child sitting on lap, cuddling during stories, television, or movies, tossing in the air, gentle touches on legs, arms, head, shoulders, etc., back scratches, high-fives and contact sports.<\/p>\n As kids get older, parents may touch only when necessary, like when helping with clothes or hair. Kids will crave more contact when sick, hurt, tired, or sad. Teenagers, especially boys, will pull back from physical touch. Make sure the touch is positive and at the right time and place. Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t embarrass!<\/p>\n Conversely, a negative touch coming from a place of anger can be detrimental.<\/p>\n 2. Words of affirmation <\/b>are ways to give praise and encouragement for what the child does. Since a child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s behavior is something he or she controls, there is a direct effect.<\/p>\n Be genuine when giving praise. Praising too frequently may have little positive effect, as it can come across as insincere. This can set up an expectation for praise, and create anxiety when it is absent. The way you word praise and your voice tone and volume make a big difference. Words of guidance will be sought elsewhere\u00e2\u20ac\u201dfrom school, TV, peers, or other adults\u00e2\u20ac\u201dif not received from parents.<\/p>\n Although it may seem obvious, words of negativity really hurt, and the greatest enemy of encouragement is anger.<\/p>\n Make sure to say \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I love you\u00e2\u20ac\u009d on its own, not with qualifiers such as \u00e2\u20ac\u0153but …\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153will you …\u00e2\u20ac\u009d attached.<\/p>\n 3. Spend quality time <\/i><\/b>with your child. Kids really seem to crave this, especially any one-on-one time. This love language is fairly self-explanatory. It can be going somewhere or just hanging out. Think of those moments when you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re sharing thoughts and feelings, having good, quality conversations. Mealtime, going for walks, story time, or bedtime can be good opportunities.<\/p>\n 4. Giving gifts<\/b> can be one that parents roll their eyes at. Of course kids like gifts! However, it is more about the thought behind it. In a child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mind: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You were thinking of me and got it, since I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m important.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Other languages need to be combined with gift giving. It is not a paycheck or bribe, nor should it be a substitute for time spent. As with praise, excess gifts lose their meaning. You can tell gift giving is important if kids express excitement when receiving a gift or based on how it is presented, or display it proudly.<\/p>\n 5. Acts of service <\/i><\/b>is a big part of being a parent, as the list of tasks, errands, and to-do list items never seems to end. Acts of service refers to going above and beyond making sure kids\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 needs are met. This could include offering to help with something before they ask, or at least not saying \u00e2\u20ac\u0153in a minute\u00e2\u20ac\u009d when they do. Encouraging a hobby, checking homework, hosting events for the kids at home, or doing things to make an illness more bearable are other examples.<\/p>\n To discover someone\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s primary language, note the following:<\/p>\n You need to show love in all five ways, but try to discover the person\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s primary language (or top two or three). When the person is under 5 years old, try to hit all five languages.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Incorporating the five “love languages”\u00e2\u20ac\u201dphysical touch, words of affection, quality time, gift giving, and acts of service\u00e2\u20ac\u201dinto the parent-child relationship can help minimize negative feelings and behaviors.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2462,"featured_media":43349,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[31,21,450,51,25,115],"class_list":["post-16791","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-child-and-adolescent-issues","tag-individuation","tag-healthy-parenting","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-self-esteem"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16791","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2462"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16791"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16791\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/43349"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16791"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16791"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16791"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}\n