{"id":16686,"date":"2013-02-08T10:52:35","date_gmt":"2013-02-08T17:52:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=16686"},"modified":"2016-05-20T07:09:41","modified_gmt":"2016-05-20T14:09:41","slug":"im-introverted-and-socially-awkward-how-can-i-make-friends","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/im-introverted-and-socially-awkward-how-can-i-make-friends","title":{"rendered":"I’m Introverted and Socially Awkward. How Can I Make Friends?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Thanks for writing. From what I could glean from your relatively brief message, I sensed both anxiety<\/a> and some possible defensiveness on your part in regard to meeting people. Humor, like anything else, can be used a number of ways; by \u201csarcastic\u201d I wonder if you mean laughing with or laughing at the potential friend<\/a>. (Or if it\u2019s taken as the latter even if you intend the former, by someone who doesn\u2019t yet know you.)<\/p>\n

Suspicion and negativity, too, can be used for self-protection, thus I make a very rough guess that perhaps there is a fear<\/a> of being hurt. I\u2019m wondering if you have been hurt by people in the past and are wary of trusting<\/a> again? Or is there a crisis of confidence or self-esteem that might make you wary of allowing people to get to know you? (The fear of \u201conce people really know me, they won\u2019t like me\u201d is very common.) I can assure you that everyone goes through such a challenge at one time or another; people who question their confidence or abilities are almost always harder on themselves than anyone else.<\/p>\n

The other theme in your message is loneliness. When you say you have neither a best friend nor any friends, my heart twinged. Perhaps there\u2019s some frustration and confusion there. Of course, I am highly biased given my profession, but this kind of conundrum\u2014wanting to be safe while wanting to connect with others (who might potentially hurt or disappoint us)\u2014is very common and precisely what a good psychotherapist would explore with you in a safe, productive manner. If my first deduction about self-protection is true, then it stands to inference that some past experience has left an emotional scar. I have a therapist friend who says that no one escapes trauma<\/a> completely, that there is trauma with a big \u201cT\u201d and a little \u201ct\u201d. Even little t\u2019s can make one wary of new relationships.<\/p>\n

It also might be worth pausing to reflect about the negativity and sarcasm, which can be endearing or off-putting, depending on context. I\u2019m not entirely sure what you mean by negativity. And if you\u2019re being sarcastic about some pop-culture figure or the latest politician in trouble, for instance, that can be an icebreaker; if it\u2019s about the host of the party, it could backfire. You may have a dry wit, for instance (which I always appreciate), but does it come across more cutting than you intend?<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s a little tip: People like to talk about themselves and what they do. Not because people are self-centered but because they\u2019re looking to share their stories and, in many ways, reduce the isolation<\/a> and loneliness you\u2019re describing. To have another person actually interested in us and our experiences is reassuring. In fact, I\u2019d say all of my clients struggle mightily with this issue; some modern psychologists believe loneliness and alienation is our culture\u2019s biggest challenge. (Read Erich Fromm, Ernest Becker, or Viktor Frankl\u2019s superb Man\u2019s Search for Meaning if you\u2019re interested in this.) In fact, I have found success socially\u2014in spite of shyness\u2014because I like to hear people\u2019s stories and share a little of my own. As the old adage goes, \u201cGod gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason.\u201d (It\u2019s also a great way to get dates, by the way, provided the person allows equal air time.) It continues to amaze me how we humans have so much more in common, emotionally and psychologically, than we realize. We are all pretty much in the same cosmic boat.<\/p>\n

I wish you the best of luck and would comfortably guess the problem is not as dire as it feels. And there\u2019s no shame in getting a little help to iron out temporary challenges<\/a>, which all of us have at one time or another. Thanks again for writing.<\/p>\n

Sincerely,
\nDarren<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Thanks for writing. From what I could glean from your relatively brief message, I sensed both anxiety and some possible defensiveness on your part in regard to meeting people. Humor, like anything else, can be used a number of ways; by ?sarcastic? I wonder if you mean laughing with or laughing at the potential friend. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[522],"class_list":["post-16686","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","tag-dear-gt"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16686","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16686"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16686\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16686"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16686"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16686"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}