{"id":15331,"date":"2012-11-08T09:00:54","date_gmt":"2012-11-08T17:00:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=15331"},"modified":"2013-11-17T03:12:37","modified_gmt":"2013-11-17T10:12:37","slug":"when-parents-see-children-as-reflections-of-themselves","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/when-parents-see-children-as-reflections-of-themselves-1108124","title":{"rendered":"‘Just Like Me’: When Parents See Children As Reflections of Themselves"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"WomanWhen parents view their child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s \u00e2\u20ac\u0153problematic\u00e2\u20ac\u009d behavior<\/a>, attitudes, or troubles as a reflection of them, it can be a terrible blow to the ego. For parents with positive self-feelings, anger, hurt, and disappointment can occur when they don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t see themselves reflected in their children. (\u00e2\u20ac\u0153My child should be just like me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d) For parents who do not feel very good about themselves, seeing a child as being \u00e2\u20ac\u0153just like me\u00e2\u20ac\u009d can feel devastating. Parents who lack self-esteem<\/a> often feel like their child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s problems are their fault. Their inability to differentiate themselves from their children can also result in guilt and painful feelings of responsibility that are often overstated and inaccurate. Many parents who struggle<\/a> with the idea that their child is a reflection of them (for better and worse) have not separated from their children. These parents tend to feel some responsibility for their child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s situation. Most often they believe that, either in their early behavior with their children or in their biological contribution (or both), they have profoundly affected their child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s life and character.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Peter\u00e2\u20ac\u009d came to his therapy session in a rage about \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Adam,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d his 25-year-old son. He had just come from his son\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s apartment and was disgusted about the dirt and disarray he encountered: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What is the matter with that kid? He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s such a slob. There is stuff everywhere. It feels so chaotic! I have the same feeling when I think about how he gets drunk with his friends on the weekend. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a mess!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

When I asked Peter what made him so angry about this, he began to express remorse about being so enraged. Choking up, he said, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I guess I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m really hurt. I feel like Adam is being disrespectful to me. He knows I hate his messes and his drinking behavior. I feel like he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s on a terrible path of disorganization and disaster. I keep asking myself, \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcHow did he turn out this way?\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 \u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

I asked Peter what he thought about why Adam was like this. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really know,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Peter said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But I honestly believe it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s my fault. You know I was a terrible workaholic during Adam\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s first 10 years. I neglected him when he was growing up. Then I think, if I was a workaholic, will he be an alcoholic? I know I made him this way. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a mess of a father.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Peter was tortured by his painful feelings and disappointment that his son hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t turned into the ideal adult that Peter wished he could be.<\/p>\n

Over time, as we explored Peter\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s feelings, it became apparent that he put all the responsibility for the person Adam was at age 25 on himself. He found it very difficult to see Adam as a separate individual with his own reasons for behaving the way he did. Slowly, Peter was able to consider that his influence hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t only been negative and that he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t the only influence on Adam\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s development. Adam\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mother was nurturing; Adam had many friends growing up. Peter could even recall some teachers who were influential in Adam\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s life. He acknowledged, for example, that a high school teacher had encouraged Adam to stay with his music, and Peter admitted that Adam was a successful musician.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I guess I haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t focused enough on Adam\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s successes, just on the ways I see him as a failure and blame myself,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Peter said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Sometimes I still think that maybe Adam is punishing me when he messes up in ways he knows I hate. I guess I really have to admit that it isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t all about me. Adam is a different person from me. It’s just hard to be OK with that. But I do want to get there. I know that would be best for our relationship.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Peter is slowly beginning to separate from Adam and experience Adam\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s successes and failures as more about Adam than him. He is also beginning to take Adam\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s character and behavior less personally. Giving up the idea that \u00e2\u20ac\u0153it was all my fault\u00e2\u20ac\u009d makes space for Peter to see Adam as a separate individual.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Rose,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d another client, began to talk about her 10-year-old daughter, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Jessica,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d in our therapy sessions.\u00c2\u00a0 Rose was obsessed with worry that Jessica, who had learning disabilities, would never have a successful life. She said with some sadness: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Her brain is damaged. How will she ever be OK?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What do you mean, \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcHer brain is damaged\u00e2\u20ac\u2122?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You know that we had her tested and she has so much trouble focusing and organizing her thoughts,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d she responded.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes, I know she has some learning disabilities, but seeing her as \u00e2\u20ac\u02dca person with a damaged brain\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 seems a rather extreme way of defining your daughter,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I said.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I sort of know what you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re saying is true,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d she said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But you know I had learning disabilities as a kid. No one identified them; no one did anything about it. I still struggle at work and in my life in general with being focused and organized. I get so depressed and anxious when I forget things or don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get stuff done like I promise my husband or my boss. I know my brain is messed up, and Jessica is just like me. Why would I think her fate is going to be any different?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Rose had a very strong belief that biology was determining her future as well as her daughter\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s. She was reluctant to consider that her daughter\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s life could take a different path from hers. She had a difficult time thinking about Jessica as a separate person<\/a> with her own unique characteristics. I reminded her that she and her husband had been addressing Jessica\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s learning problems and getting help for her. I also pointed out that this was very different from her own experience growing up. I emphasized that there are many influences other than biology that influence a person\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s development. I also asked Rose to tell me anything she could think of about Jessica\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s accomplishments. We both listened to the list Rose came up with: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Great piano player, really good artist, hula-hoop champion, kind person, good swimmer, and I guess other stuff, too.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Rose reluctantly acknowledged, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes, I suppose her brain works OK in some ways.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Rose and I spent a lot of time talking not only about Jessica, but also about Rose\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s negative sense of self. It was harder for her to take seriously that she has her own accomplishments. It was even more difficult to consider that Jessica was like her in some ways and not others. (Rose is a terrible artist and swimmer!) Our work has centered on Rose\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s struggle to experience herself in positive ways and on seeing Jessica as a separate, differentiated individual. We have also been talking about how painful it is to see your child have areas of deficit, and even worse when you feel you are the cause. Helping Rose to talk about her impaired sense of self and its development has allowed her to make distinctions between her own experience and Jessica\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s. I have tried to help Rose consider that while there could be some biology at work in regard to Jessica\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s learning disabilities<\/a>, so much more than being \u00e2\u20ac\u0153just like me\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is involved in what makes Jessica who she is.<\/p>\n

We are familiar with parents feeling great pride in how they played a role in their children\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s successes. But when parents boast incessantly about their children\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s accomplishments to the extent it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel like typical parental pleasure, we typically consider them to be narcissistic. For Peter and Rose, their great dismay in what they perceived as their children\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s deficits, problems, and failures was also narcissistic.<\/p>\n

The term narcissism comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus, in which Narcissus falls in love with his own reflection in a pool. The notion of reflection is pertinent to the experiences of Peter and Rose. Rather than experiencing narcissistic pleasure, these distraught parents experienced a narcissistic wound. They couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t tolerate the pain of looking into the pool (i.e., at their child who also represents the parent) and seeing something that is not \u00e2\u20ac\u0153beautiful\u00e2\u20ac\u009d reflected back. When they looked at their children, they saw a reflection of themselves. It was intolerable that the reflection they saw was \u00e2\u20ac\u0153a mess\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or had a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153damaged brain.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d It was not \u00e2\u20ac\u0153beautiful.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

These parents are responding narcissistically, and they have not differentiated themselves from their children. One has to wonder how parents, who view their children as reflections of themselves, may have influenced their child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s separation\/individuation process. As parents become more aware that their beliefs that their children are or are supposed to be \u00e2\u20ac\u0153just like them\u00e2\u20ac\u009d are assumptions, they will be in a better position to examine those beliefs. As a result, parents will experience less pain, and their children will be helped to develop into separate, unique individuals.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Beverly Amsel, PhD – For parents, separating from their children as people\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand recognizing that children’s development is not necessarily a reflection on their parenting\u00e2\u20ac\u201dcan be an emotionally arduous task.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1777,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[389,231,229,31,445,21,429,431,393,434,409,450,51,466,25,416,235,240],"class_list":["post-15331","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-adjusting-to-change","tag-anger","tag-anxiety-psychotherapy-issues-2","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-caregiver-issues-stress","tag-child-and-adolescent-issues","tag-control-issues","tag-emotional-overwhelm","tag-family-problems","tag-identity-issues","tag-inadequacy","tag-individuation","tag-healthy-parenting","tag-power","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-self-doubt","tag-self-esteem-psychotherapy-issues","tag-shame-guilt"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15331","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1777"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15331"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15331\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15331"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15331"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15331"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}