{"id":13980,"date":"2012-08-13T11:00:06","date_gmt":"2012-08-13T18:00:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=13980"},"modified":"2014-03-05T16:43:37","modified_gmt":"2014-03-06T00:43:37","slug":"why-parents-try-to-fix-their-childrens-problems","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/parents-children-fix-problems-0813124","title":{"rendered":"Stop Fixing Things: Why Children Should Be Allowed to Make Mistakes"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"AWe are all familiar with the experience of good intentions having negative consequences. In my work as a therapist, I often encounter this phenomenon when I work with parents<\/a> who, in their desire to make things better, easier, or less painful for their children, interfere with their child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s ability to develop the capacity to do for themselves. These are parents who feel an urgent need to fix their child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s problems. For the purpose of this discussion, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153fixing\u00e2\u20ac\u009d will refer to the intervening and usurping of problem-solving when one\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s child<\/a> experiences difficulty.<\/p>\n

Gloria wanted to fix her daughter Alice\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s feelings. She worried when Alice was unhappy, angry, upset, or had any feeling she felt caused discomfort for her child. For example, when Alice got frustrated and tearful when she practiced piano, Gloria suggested she stop her lessons. In therapy, Gloria told me how disturbing<\/a> it was to her when Alice was upset. She recalled, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153When Alice was an infant, I couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stand to let her cry even for a minute. My heart felt like it would break. When Alice gets upset because I say \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcno\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 to her, I always give in. I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stand it. It always seems like I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve hurt her when I say \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcno.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Gloria urgently needed Alice\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s bad feelings to go away. What Gloria eventually came to understand was that what was urgent was that she, Gloria, be rid of her own uncomfortable feelings.<\/p>\n

\n\t

Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
\n\n\t\t\t\n\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\tAdvanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>Fred had a hard time when his fifth-grade son Eddie brought home average grades from school. He told me that he felt Eddie was much smarter than his grades showed, and he felt his job as a parent was to help him do better. This sounds like a responsible, caring parent talking. Unfortunately, Fred didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t just provide some assistance so Eddie could do better, like going over his homework and helping him with his social studies projects. Rather, Fred intruded in what Eddie needed to do every day. For example, when Eddie was assigned to do a book report and make a diorama about the life of the protagonist, Fred read the book, bought supplies, outlined what should be in the diorama, and essentially did the project for Eddie. Eddie got an A, and Fred was thrilled!<\/p>\n

While Fred\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s intervention did fix Eddie\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s grades, Eddie was given little opportunity to figure things out for himself. In therapy, Fred became aware that \u00e2\u20ac\u0153this isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t helping my son. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m really scared that Eddie could follow in my footsteps and repeat my terrible academic<\/a> failures.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d As we focused on Fred\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s anxiety around allowing Eddie to become a separate, self-confident individual with his own strengths and failures, Fred was increasingly able to talk with his son. He was able to encourage Eddie rather than take over his academic life.<\/p>\n

Pam, a 29-year-old woman had difficulty dating and forming relationships<\/a>. When she started therapy she told me that she didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have much trouble meeting men, but there was always some difficulty in the relationships, and they never got very far. As we explored her life and dating experiences, she explained that her biggest help was her father. She described him as exceptionally loving and caring and her \u00e2\u20ac\u0153go-to\u00e2\u20ac\u009d person when she had trouble in a relationship. She explained that a typical difficulty when she dated was that she would feel very hurt and upset when someone she dated didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t call or text her quickly enough. Pam said, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153When that happens, I call my father right away and I know he will comfort me. When I was a kid, he would do the same when a girlfriend hurt me. He gives me the same advice with guys as he did with those girls. He always says the same thing: \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcget rid of them\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyou don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t need people who hurt you in your life.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

As we explored this dynamic further, it became evident that Pam\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s well-intentioned father couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t bear witnessing Pam feeling hurt or upset. He would fix her relationships by encouraging her to get rid of the person who hurt her. This would not only alleviate Pam\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hurt but would take away the feelings he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t tolerate. As a consequence, Pam had not developed the ability to manage her feelings<\/a> and correctly judge how others were treating her. She had not learned how to deal interpersonally with another person in a relationship.<\/p>\n

When parents can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t allow their children to struggle through problems and feelings, it is often because they, themselves, can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t tolerate how watching the struggle makes them<\/em> feel. Some parents identify with their child. They recall their own feelings, like frustration or hurt or anger, and may assume that their child is experiencing what they experienced in that situation (although it may be a very different experience for the child). The desire to protect one\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s child is necessary and desirable in a parent. But when the protection stems from the parents\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 discomfort around their own feelings, it can create issues that impact the child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s development of self<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Children who are never allowed to cry, for example, may not learn how to soothe themselves. When children don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t learn how to self-soothe, they are frequently unable to cope with the normal stresses<\/a> and frustrations of everyday life. Very often a parent\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s worry<\/a> about their child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s feelings can be communicated to the child. When a parent anxiously steps in to help or fix, the child may feel (consciously or unconsciously) that the parent doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think the child has the capacity to work things out on his\/her own. Children whose parents take over their work and do it for them are deprived of experiencing \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I can do it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Their ego enhancement, self-confidence, and self-esteem<\/a> are interfered with. Parents who interrupt whenever a possible failure lurks do not prepare their children for success, because one must be able to tolerate failure in order to achieve success.<\/p>\n

While there certainly are times when it is useful and wonderful to be there for your child and be helpful, the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153fixer\u00e2\u20ac\u009d parents described here did not help their children. They made themselves feel better. They may have made their children feel temporarily better: Eddie got his project done and got an A, and Pam felt reassured that she knew what to do when a date didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t respond the way she wanted. Alice was relieved of her painful feelings, but didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t develop the ability to cope. Not one of these children was helped toward developing a strong sense of competence or the ability to manage his or her feelings in the world.<\/p>\n

Rather than extreme fixing, there are alternative behaviors when the urge to fix things for your children is present. Trying to address the problem with your child\u00e2\u20ac\u201drather than springing into action to help\u00e2\u20ac\u201dcan allow a child to feel like a participant, giving him or her a sense of self-esteem. Leaving space for a child to be uncomfortable communicates that you have faith that your child can find a way to figure out what he or she wants, and how to get it. It is important to communicate that it is okay to struggle, that it is a human experience that we all must learn to endure. It has to be okay to be uncertain and not know what results efforts will bring. Parents have to be able to tolerate their own anxiety<\/a> and not jump in to solve their child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s problems. This allows the child to develop a healthy separate self and become a competent, assertive, and confident<\/a> person in the world.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Beverly Amsel, PhD – Self-esteem requires successful problem-solving. When parents fix their child’s problems, they may undermine the child’s self-confidence.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1777,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[21,450,51,25],"class_list":["post-13980","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-child-and-adolescent-issues","tag-individuation","tag-healthy-parenting","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13980","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1777"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13980"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13980\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13980"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13980"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13980"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}