{"id":13490,"date":"2012-07-16T11:00:54","date_gmt":"2012-07-16T18:00:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=13490"},"modified":"2013-07-30T08:55:56","modified_gmt":"2013-07-30T15:55:56","slug":"is-guilt-jeopardizing-your-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/is-guilt-jeopardizing-your-relationships-0716125","title":{"rendered":"Is Guilt Jeopardizing Your Relationships?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"YoungWhat do you<\/em> do out of guilt?<\/p>\n

I recently realized that I was doing a lot of things out of obligation, feelings of guilt<\/a>, or just a general feeling that if I didn\u2019t do something, I would have bad karma—or worse yet, that people would stop liking me and inviting me to things. I live in Los Angeles, a sunny, warm place with lots of people and a ton of things to do all the time. With the invitations always forthcoming, it is sometimes difficult but necessary to say no. In order to maintain a semblance of sanity and self, one must pick and choose when to say “yes” and when to say “no.” Ideally, when saying “no,” we won\u2019t have to worry about being rejected<\/a> or left out, missing out, or losing friendships.<\/p>\n

This problem also happens in the context of intimate relationships<\/a> and is very real. Within relationships, there is an intrinsic fear of losing our partner. “If I don\u2019t go along with what my partner wants, they may find someone better.” There is fear of being seen in a bad light, of not compromising, not letting our partner live their life, judgment by our in-laws, and more. And sometimes these fears are so deeply ingrained in our being that it\u2019s hard to even recognize when it\u2019s happening.<\/p>\n

The negative side effects of doing something out of guilt, duty, or obligation are the feelings that we are left with: the after-effects that jeopardize our relationship because they build on anger, resentment, and frustration. The things we do out of guilt don\u2019t pay a lot of dividends. Instead, they leave us feeling bereft and unheard and can lead to martyrdom: the \u201cI do so much for you, but what have you done for me lately?\u201d phenomenon—also known as playing the victim. In the recovery world of sobriety and Alcoholics Anonymous, it\u2019s known as enabling or codependence<\/a>. Doing things that you really don\u2019t want to do because you feel as though you are supposed to is a ticket to disaster.<\/p>\n

So how do you break this cycle?<\/p>\n

Well, first you have to get to know yourself. Sometimes in the midst of all these desires and fears it is hard to get to the core of who we are, what we need, and what will be best for us right now. I\u2019ve devised a quick list for you to get on your way to knowing yourself, knowing your needs, and then standing up for them—in a nice way that doesn\u2019t offend, hurt, or piss people off.<\/p>\n