![\"Baby](\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/04\/baby-items.jpg\" "\\"Baby")
\u201cGuess what?\u201d your best couple friends ask when you\u2019ve just sat down at an elegant restaurant. \u201cWe have an announcement. Guess who\u2019s not having wine?\u201d You and your partner are jolted. You just found out an hour ago that your third in vitro fertility treatment didn\u2019t pan out, and you didn\u2019t even know your friends were trying.<\/p>\n
You and your partner have a quick, furtive look. Your throat is dry, and a tear slides out before you can will it to stop. \u201cGreat news,\u201d your husband says.<\/p>\n
You can\u2019t think of anything you can say aloud. You know you can\u2019t say what you\u2019re feeling: \u201cWhy you, not us? This is your third child, and we may never have a first. Why did you have to tell us here and ruin this expensive dinner?\u201d<\/p>\n
You could say, \u201cI\u2019m happy for you, but sad for us,\u201d if your friends know that you\u2019ve been trying.<\/p>\n
With more public awareness of infertility, people announcing a pregnancy or birth are sometimes more sensitive to your needs. They might tell you in a private moment and add, \u201cIt\u2019s hard to tell you, knowing how much you want this. I hope it happens soon for you.\u201d You may appreciate the empathy, and elaborate on your feelings, and feel supported. On the other hand, you might be embarrassed and not want to talk about it, especially if you\u2019re not emotionally close to the woman or you have reasons not to trust her.<\/p>\n
First we\u2019ll talk about dealing with your own feelings. Then we\u2019ll talk about taking some control over how you receive news of future pregnancies.<\/p>\n
Your feelings: handle with compassion<\/strong><\/p>\n Mixed in with feelings of disappointment and competition, you may also feel guilty. You may even fantasize about miscarriages or complications. Your partner may add to your guilt by asking \u201cWhy can\u2019t you be happy for them?\u201d<\/p>\n Give yourself a break. You\u2019re a good person, not someone who typically goes around with ill wishes. If you\u2019ve been trying for months or even years to get pregnant or to carry to full term, it makes sense that you would be envious. This is especially the case if your friend is complaining of an accidental pregnancy or doesn\u2019t have as much to offer a child as you and your partner do. A compassionate thought to say to yourself is \u201cI\u2019m happy for her but sad for me.\u201d You wouldn\u2019t expect a 24 year-old whose husband died yesterday to dance up and down about a friend\u2019s engagement. It is understandable to have good wishes for the other person while also having feelings about your own loss or disappointment.<\/p>\n Controlling how you receive the information<\/strong><\/p>\n You can\u2019t control whether your friend gets pregnant before you do, but you can have a say in how you find out. This assumes, of course, that you are aware that someone is planning a family and that they know what you\u2019re going through. Many of my clients have benefitted from what I call \u201cthe card trick.\u201d<\/p>\n Ask your friend to send you a card. Yes, an old-fashioned greeting card via snail mail. Real envelope, real stamp. A phone call is hard, because it puts you on the spot. You need to congratulate the person right away, before you\u2019ve had a chance to digest the information. IM is no better than phone, and e-mail is only somewhat better. Even if you don\u2019t open the message, if its subject line reads \u201cBIG NEWS!\u201d you may feel that you are expected to respond quickly.<\/p>\n Because old-fashioned snail mail is unpredictable, your friend doesn\u2019t know what time or even which day you receive it. This gives you time to tear up the card and stomp on it, have a good cry, or do some deep breathing before you pick up the phone and hit the keyboard. You get to feel like the loving, caring person you actually are and offer sincere congratulations. Even if you don\u2019t have any negative feelings, you still have the luxury of time to respond when you\u2019re ready. Everybody wins. You win because you controlled how you got the news. Your friend wins because you gave her a gentler way of breaking the news. You can both feel good about her new status and sincerely celebrate.<\/p>\n Even though you don\u2019t know when or if your own luck will change, you can avoid unnecessary stress and enjoy your friend\u2019s support and good wishes for your future pregnancy success.<\/p>\n Related articles:<\/strong> Merle Ann Bombardieri, MSW, LICSW, ACHP-SW – Although dealing with feelings of disappointment about not being pregnant is never easy, you do have some say in how you find out about your friends’ and relatives’ pregnancies. Be gentle with yourself, and ask folks to help ease the sometimes painful news by giving you time to process your feelings before responding.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2506,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[402,423,380,25,41,47],"class_list":["post-12388","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-fertility-issues","tag-health-iillness-medical-issues","tag-pregnancy-and-birthing","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships","tag-self-care"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12388","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2506"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12388"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12388\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12388"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12388"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12388"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nDealing with Fertility Challenges: Coping Tips and Resources for Parents-in-the-Making<\/a>
\nCoping with Holidays While Trying to Have a Baby<\/a>
\nWhy Should I See a Therapist? I\u2019m Not Crazy – We Just Can\u2019t Have a Baby!<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"