{"id":11967,"date":"2012-03-14T13:28:49","date_gmt":"2012-03-14T20:28:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=11967"},"modified":"2024-05-08T15:27:19","modified_gmt":"2024-05-08T19:27:19","slug":"retaliation-angry-feelings-marriage-0314125","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/retaliation-angry-feelings-marriage-0314125\/","title":{"rendered":"Is Retaliation an Option in Marriage?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"GoodTherapy\u201cI\u2019ve been suffering for years,\u201d Marcelle said. \u201cWhen I tell Andrew that he\u2019s hurt my feelings, he gets angry. Can you imagine that? What kind of human being gets angry when he sees his wife crying?\u201d<\/p>\n

This is a good question, and one that I get asked often. The answer is that a person like Andrew, who gets angry<\/a> at being told that he has\u2014once again\u2014done it wrong, is a human who has never heard a word of praise and experienced more criticism<\/a> in his life than he knows what to do with.<\/p>\n

Such a person\u2014often, but not always, a man\u2014is highly conflicted. In moments when he does not feel put on the defensive<\/a>, he cares deeply for his wife, loves her, and doesn\u2019t want her to hurt. On the other hand, when he thinks he\u2019s being attacked, he reflexively circles the wagons to protect himself.<\/p>\n

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\u201cSo finally, I got good and angry myself,\u201d Marcelle went on. \u201cHow much of this can I take? I get mistreated and I can\u2019t even express myself. That\u2019s not right! That\u2019s not fair! I deserve better, so I told him a thing or two. I let him have it. And, frankly, I felt much better after that.\u201d<\/p>\n

That\u2019s a typical pattern\u2014and highly destructive.<\/p>\n

The Elusive Satisfaction of Retaliation<\/strong>
\nMarcelle has every justification in the world to feel hurt. It is also human for her to be angry at the cause of that hurt when he is so unsympathetic. But her reaction in this scenario is wrong. For one thing, she\u2019s hurting herself more<\/em> by lowering herself to his level. If she acknowledges that his anger is hurtful, then her anger is hurtful too. If she acknowledges that anger displays a lack of humanity on his part, then it displays a lack of humanity on hers as well.<\/p>\n

Later, alone with her feelings, Marcelle will confide that the good feeling of “giving it back” was short lived. Over time, the idea that she had betrayed herself by stooping to his level gnawed at her innermost being. She had always liked herself for her own kindness and goodness. \u201cNow who am I?\u201d she wondered. Not only did she reduce herself to a level that she did not respect, but in doing so, she also became alienated from herself.<\/p>\n

Many victims of mistreatment feel this way. They feel estranged from the person they thought they were, they don\u2019t like the person they’ve become, and they\u2019re still depressed over the way they were treated. They add depression<\/a> to depression. Being mean and striking back is completely self-defeating.<\/p>\n

How Retaliation Makes Bad Behavior Worse<\/strong>
\nThere\u2019s another, even worse problem with Marcelle\u2019s reaction: it ensures that Andrew\u2019s behavior will also get worse. Now that\u2019s<\/em> bad.<\/p>\n

Andrew doesn\u2019t want<\/em> to be the bad guy that he is, but he has no clue how to make the awful feelings go away when he is repeatedly reminded of his failings. When he hears what comes across to him as a criticism, he is thrown into a pit of despair. After all, if he knew how to handle the problem in the first place, he would not have created it. Growing up in a home in which such things as compassion, sharing, consideration, and respect were not taught or modeled, he is unaware of how to deal with situations which call for these traits. How can he fix a problem he’s clueless about?<\/p>\n

But Andrew does know the one thing he learned very well growing up: how to defend himself, strike back, or tune out. It\u2019s only natural that when he feels attacked, he\u2019s going to do what it takes to prevent those old feelings from rushing in. What better smokescreen than for him to attack back?<\/p>\n

Will he feel better? No, just as Marcelle didn\u2019t feel better when she retaliated. Will the marriage<\/a> improve this way? Obviously not. What should be done?<\/p>\n

Alternatives to Retaliation<\/strong>
\nMarcelle has to switch her approach from telling Andrew what he did wrong to what she wants him to do. It means changing a negative sentence to a positive one. This might not seem hard to do, but listen to what Marcelle has to say about it: \u201cWhat about my feelings? Are you telling me to stifle my feelings? He\u2019s my husband; shouldn\u2019t I be able to tell my own husband that he hurt my feelings?\u201d<\/p>\n

Marcelle has a point. She should not have to stifle her feelings; she should be able to express them to her own husband. But we are not operating in a fair and just world. Her husband simply cannot hear this until he<\/em> has healed from his past pain.<\/p>\n

So Marcelle\u2019s real job is to deal with her \u201cshoulds.\u201d Theoretically, she should be free to express herself, and in reality, she shoots herself in the foot when she does. What are Marcelle\u2019s options?<\/p>\n