{"id":10920,"date":"2011-12-05T12:28:08","date_gmt":"2011-12-05T19:28:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=10920"},"modified":"2013-10-28T14:51:50","modified_gmt":"2013-10-28T21:51:50","slug":"help-date-night-erectile-dysfunction","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/help-date-night-erectile-dysfunction\/","title":{"rendered":"Help! My Date Nights End with Erectile Dysfunction!"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"CoupleIn my neck of the woods the majority of therapists see mainly women (probably about 80% of their clients).\u00a0Not so for me – more than half my clients are male, and when I work with a couple it is more often the men who initiate conjoint therapy<\/a>.\u00a0I think this is because many guys tend to become very uptight about their penis, what Paul Joannides (author of The Guide to Getting It On<\/em>) calls \u201cdeadwood – the bummer in your pants”. Many of the men I work with are concerned about their system crashing when their pants are off!<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not comfortable diagnosing erection problems as \u201cerectile dysfunction<\/a>.\u201d\u00a0I hate labeling, and the \u201cdys\u201d implies failure and the overwhelming shame that goes along with it. I never click on the links that come with the numerous ads in my spam folder offering \u201cyour instant cure for impotence\u201d (why are they sending these to ME?). Viagra can make a huge difference but masks the issues that cause the tissues to stay soft.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not just men over 50 who have erection problems. They happen to men of all ages, from teens on up. Often erectile challenges crop up quite early in a sexual relationship when folks are just beginning to find their sexual rhythms together.\u00a0Many guys are nervous that their performance is not up to par \u2013 they may require a few weeks or even months to find their groove. Especially when the couple moves from dating to mating in domesticity!<\/p>\n

So gals, remember that expecting a guy to get it up straight away could be a big mistake \u2013 especially if you truly feel that he\u2019s the man for you.<\/p>\n

It can make for a big opportunity to look beyond sexual performance to deep bonding with each another. The danger is not the lack of an erection, but what each of you makes of it.\u00a0When a woman needs her partner\u2019s erection to validate that she\u2019s desirable, a short term problem can quickly become long term.<\/p>\n

Recently a 23 year old client described a typical scenario with his fianc\u00e9e, with whom he has a long distance relationship. \u201cSo it\u2019s Friday evening and we\u2019re coming home from a romantic dinner.\u00a0She says, \u2018Wanna have sex when we get home?\u2019 and I panic!\u00a0I feel like all the blood is draining from my body. It\u2019s this deep seated fear that I won\u2019t be able to get an erection 30 minutes from now and it becomes self-fulfilling and self-defeating.\u00a0How do I get control over my own body?\u201d<\/p>\n

He was extremely surprised when I suggested that trying to \u201cget control\u201d was precisely the problem. Viagra did indeed help with his attempts to stave off what he called \u201chydraulic failure.\u201d But the blue pills were only part of the picture for this couple. In this kind of situation I usually sit down with both people separately as well as seeing them together. I call this my three-legged stool approach. When you eliminate one leg the stool often topples.<\/p>\n

His fianc\u00e9e had been blaming herself, \u201cHe obviously doesn\u2019t find me attractive any more. I\u2019ve gained some weight\u2026\u201d etc. Once I helped her to realize that his erection problems had nothing to do with her, it turned out that she wasn\u2019t nearly as attached to a hard penis as he had imagined.<\/p>\n

Viagra produced the requisite hard-ons but was no help at all when this couple couldn\u2019t laugh together or let go of their attachment to having things go a certain way between the sheets. They needed to learn more about intimacy<\/a>. Many couples require some help deepening their intimacy, and therapy can provide the tools.<\/p>\n

Joannides again: \u201cWhen it comes to making love, relationship issues trump d*** issues.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In my neck of the woods the majority of therapists see mainly women (probably about 80% of their clients).?Not so for me – more than half my clients are male, and when I work with a couple it is more often the men who initiate conjoint therapy.?I think this is because many guys tend to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1044,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[423,245,25,41,235,139],"class_list":["post-10920","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-health-iillness-medical-issues","tag-mens-issues-psychotherapy-issues","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships","tag-self-esteem-psychotherapy-issues","tag-sex-therapy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10920","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1044"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10920"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10920\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10920"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10920"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10920"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}