![\"Parents](\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/09\/parents-and-teen-kids.jpg\" "\\"communicating-with-teens\\"")
\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d Is it the stock answer teens give their parents for every question? Does it mean more than just a lack of an answer? How do we get them to speak to us and to have a conversation? There are ways to talk to teens, develop relationships through communication and not feel like an interrogator.<\/p>\n
To get around the \u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d, start by changing your attitude, mood, and how you start the conversation. Connect with them with a high energy greeting showing your good disposition. The frame of mind that you display sets the tone for the conversation. A high energy, happy greeting and smile goes a long way towards setting the mood and showing your child that you are happy and that they have nothing to fear by being open and honest with you. Teens, unless they prove to you otherwise, want their parents to be proud of, and accepting of, them. Set the stage of your conversation so that they are comfortable; help them by making it as easy as possible for them to talk to you. Ask questions that cannot be answered with just a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don’t know\u201d is a response with many different meanings; it can be \u201cno one has asked me that before\u201d and \u201cI genuinely have no idea how to answer\u201d.\u00a0 This is your chance to be silent and let them mull it over for a few moments. When you are silent, it puts the emphasis back on to the adolescent to come up with an answer. Show them that you are interested and receptive to what they are going to say. Your body language conveys your curiosity \u2013 lean forward, face them, make good eye contact without being overbearing, and be aware of the voice you use when you talk. After a few moments of quiet, change the question subtly but ask them the same basic question; continue to show them interest.\u00a0 You can give them an idea by rephrasing your question to help spark their response.<\/p>\n
At times, the response \u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d means, \u201cI have thought about it and I really do not have an idea or opinion one way or another\u201d.\u00a0 If you think their response means this, clarify it with them.\u00a0 This is a valuable time to teach them and to share yourself openly to increase trust and amplify the quality of your relationship. Kindly ask questions and have a conversation about their thought process, find out where they were stuck in searching out an answer.\u00a0 You can share your experience in how you would answer the question that you had asked.\u00a0 When you share about yourself, keep it simple, brief and to the point. Remember that the conversation is about your child and their concerns; they have to grow and learn to live their own way.<\/p>\n
Occasionally \u201cI do not know\u201d can mean, \u201cthe question you asked me is a poor one\u201d, or \u201cI do not understand what you are asking me\u201d.\u00a0 After you have given your teen a few moments to come up with a better answer and they appear not to understand, clarify your question by asking it in a different way.\u00a0 Remember to avoid asking \u201cwhy\u201d questions.\u00a0 These questions start with \u201cwhy\u201d, or include only the word \u201cwhy\u201d.\u00a0 Often people do not understand why they did something, but just went through an action without a lot of consideration.\u00a0 When you ask someone “why”, they are often put onto the spot and have to come up with a reason for their act instead of working with you to increase understanding.\u00a0 A teenager put on the spot is frequently going to say anything that pops into their mind instead of really thinking through what they are being asked; hence, parents often are told, \u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d.<\/p>\n
Lastly, \u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d can signify \u201cI do not want to talk to you\u201d, or \u201cI do not want to talk about that subject\u201d.\u00a0 There are many ways to defuse this situation, including silence with receptive body language, clarifying that you need an answer, and giving an example answer.\u00a0 An additional way to communicate when told \u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d includes explaining to your teen that you understand that it is a sensitive subject and that you respect that they may not want to talk about it.\u00a0 You can respect and understand that it is sensitive to them and you will treat them with respect, and offer to talk to them about the subject later or when they are ready, or after you both take a break from the conversation.<\/p>\n
As your child uses \u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d to push you away and tell you they do not want to talk to you, explain that your conversation is important and that you want to understand what is happening or are seeking an explanation.\u00a0 Offer to help them help you, and seek out ways to understand what is happening when they push you away with their words.\u00a0 Avoid creating a confrontation and an argument because you cannot make them talk to you; getting into an argument works to their advantage to avoid discussing what you are asking.\u00a0 Recognize when you are getting upset or your teen is trying to get away from the conversation. Be receptive to letting the conversation wait for a better time in order to avoid a fight.\u00a0 As they keep using \u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d time and again, recover the conversation by explaining to them that you know what it means and that you are trying hard to communicate, respect them, and their opinions.<\/p>\n
Talking to your children does not have to feel like a cross-examination, but can instead be satisfying banter.\u00a0 Remember, \u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d means: “no one has asked that before”; “I really do not know”; “I do not have an answer”; or, “I do not want to talk to you”.\u00a0 You can try different means to get past the dismay that \u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d causes parents and adults.\u00a0 Keep your body language receptive and encourage communication with your silence, clarify your question, relate about yourself and explain that you understand them. Following these steps can help you increase communication and fortify the relationship you have with your child.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
?I don?t know.? Is it the stock answer teens give their parents for every question? Does it mean more than just a lack of an answer? How do we get them to speak to us and to have a conversation? There are ways to talk to teens, develop relationships through communication and not feel like […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1495,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[21,387,51,25],"class_list":["post-10050","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-child-and-adolescent-issues","tag-communication-problems","tag-healthy-parenting","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10050","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1495"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10050"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10050\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10050"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10050"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10050"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}