{"id":15990,"date":"2012-12-26T15:41:40","date_gmt":"2012-12-26T23:41:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?page_id=15990"},"modified":"2026-07-17T11:26:21","modified_gmt":"2026-07-17T15:26:21","slug":"i-message","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/i-message\/","title":{"rendered":"\u201cI\u201d Message"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"young-man-communicating-i-message\"An “I” message or “I” Statement is a way of expressing a concern, feeling, or need that starts from your own experience instead of the other person’s behavior. Rather than saying “you never listen,” an “I” message sounds like “I feel unheard when I get interrupted.” Developed by psychologist Thomas Gordon, the technique lowers defensiveness and is widely used in couples counseling, parenting, and conflict resolution.<\/p>\n

Role of I Statements in Communication<\/h2>\n

Thomas Gordon developed the concept of an \u201cI\u201d statement in the 1960s and contrasted these statements to “you” statements, which shift blame and attributions to the listener. I statements enable speakers to be assertive without making accusations, which can often make listeners feel defensive<\/a>. An “I” statement can help a person become aware of problematic behavior and generally forces the speaker to take responsibility for his or her own thoughts and feelings rather than attributing them, sometimes falsely or unfairly, to someone else.<\/p>\n

When used correctly, “I” statements can help foster positive communication<\/a> in relationships and may help them become stronger, as sharing feelings and thoughts in an honest and open manner can help partners grow closer on an emotional level.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u201d Statements in Therapy<\/h2>\n

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Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
\n\n\t\t\t\n\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\tAdvanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>Mental health professionals commonly encourage people in therapy to use \u201cI\u201d statements when communicating with others. This technique is particularly common in marital counseling<\/a>, as couples often get trapped in a potentially vicious cycle of perpetual blame without ever addressing the underlying feelings or attachment issues<\/a> that may be leading to conflict. \u201cI\u201d statements may allow couples to work through their disagreements in a way that allows them to express their opinions and feelings to each other without assigning blame and placing further strain on the relationship.<\/p>\n

Couples in the early stages of marital counseling may misuse I statements. For example, a man might say to his partner, I hate it when you do not listen to me. Although this statement does start with “I,” it might still be interpreted as accusatory and may not be the healthiest way to express feelings. A better “I” statement might be, “When you do not listen to what I am saying, I feel ignored and unloved.” Therapists often help those they are treating to practice appropriate I statements and explore ways to respond to the feelings that these statements communicate.
\nIn couples research, opening a difficult conversation this way is what John Gottman<\/a> calls a softened startup, and how a conversation begins strongly predicts how it ends.<\/p>\n

“I” statements are often also effective in family counseling<\/a> because they focus on the effects of a child or parent’s actions rather than on the action itself. It may be easier for family members to communicate when an action is not singled out for blame, and young adults and adolescents in particular may be more receptive to hearing how their actions have affected others when the language used is not accusatory.<\/p>\n

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Struggling to get through to someone you love? A therapist can help you build communication skills that actually land.<\/p>\n

Find a therapist<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Examples of “I” Messages<\/h2>\n

Many people do not communicate naturally with “I” statements, and it often takes some practice before a person can use them effectively. That said, generally everyone can learn to use “I” messages, including children.<\/p>\n

Some examples of “I” statements:<\/p>\n