I originally wrote these meditations for a work-related event with the day’s theme as “Be Present.” In the 72 hours before the event, I experienced an intense and unexpected sequence of social rejection from individuals who overlap in my personal and professional circles.
As I sent a clear and honest email about my feelings and boundaries the morning before my presentation for work, I said to myself, “The last thing I want to do is be present for pain.” I was quickly reassured by the prospect that perhaps this was the exact dose of medicine I needed.
We are social animals, hardwired for connection, belonging, and acceptance—needs that originate from our ancestral tribal roots. Personally and professionally, I’ve struggled with rejection, especially these past 3 years. And particularly as a woman with a sexual trauma history and an abusive childhood, this political climate is toxic to me.
This social rejection and attack on my person on a federal level is compounded by more usual, daily forms of rejection that never used to bother me, ones I didn’t even notice as forms of rejection: delayed answers to texts, the lack of recognition at work, the lack of likes on an Instagram photo, my husband leading with asking me if I can pick up some toilet paper before, if at all, asking me how my day went.
All this to say: When isolated moments of more intense rejection strike, such as the one before my work-related meditation workshop, I learned the degree to which I overlook assessing for rejection in my work as a therapist and the degree to which I’ve become normalized to it.
Ironically, I’m writing this article about rejection without the guarantee it will be accepted. I accept rejection is a part of the human condition, but over time and without care, rejection can erode motivation, self-esteem, and courage. I do know that when I feel rejection, mindfulness meditation is one evidenced-based coping strategy that works for me.
Science supports the relationship between rejection and brain chemistry, just as science supports the relationship between mindfulness and brain chemistry.
Science supports the relationship between rejection and brain chemistry, just as science supports the relationship between mindfulness and brain chemistry.
According to licensed psychologist Guy Winch, PhD, “Rejection piggybacks on physical pain pathways in the brain. fMRI studies show that the same areas of the brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain.”
He reports that rejection affects our intelligence, reason, and self-esteem. But mindfulness makes us less sensitive to feel rejection for its effective use in emotional regulation, because mindfulness allows individuals to focus on the present moment while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings and thoughts.
Dr. Alexandra Martelli, the lead author of a study recently published in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, found a correlation between mindfulness and reduced social distress in fMRI imaging, as researchers found there was less activation in the region of the brain associated with the inhibitory regulation of both physical and social forms of pain. I offer below two meditations that I wrote that can apply to healing the pain of rejection.
To Gain Perspective: Limited One Minute Metta Meditation
Take one deep inhale, filling your abdomen with air. Slowly exhale. Repeat two times. Repeat to yourself three times: “Like clouds, this will pass.” Take one deep inhale, filling your abdomen with air. Slowly exhale. Repeat two times.
To Be Present and Focused on the Self: Guided Metta Meditation with Visualizations
Metta: “I am present. I am ready. I am able. I am worthy.”
Allow your eyes to close if you are comfortable doing so. You can take a moment here to make any adjustments to your posture that you need to make to be comfortable. Begin this exercise by making yourself feel comfortable. There is no wrong way to sit, to breathe, to be. There’s no wrong way to do this. You are here now, as yourself, in this room.
Take this time to experience a few, deliberate inhales and exhales at a pace that feels comfortable for you. As you inhale, fill your abdomen with air like you are filling a balloon. Slowly exhale. Continue breathing like this. Leave a few moments of silence.
You might imagine yourself like a snow globe that has been shaken up. Imagine that you set the snow globe down and you watch as all the little snowflakes and sparkles come to rest on the bottom. Letting everything in your body settle down and rest. Continue to experience a few, deliberate inhales and exhales at a pace that feels comfortable for you. Leave a few moments of silence.
Now, start to bring to mind your desire for clarity, calm, and healing. You might even reflect on a time when you felt particularly focused, productive, attractive, connected, confident, or accomplished. Leave a few moments of silence.
Using this intention or memory, you can start to repeat some phrases to yourself. In your mind, you can say to yourself: “I am present. I am ready. I am able. I am worthy.” Whenever the mind wanders, just come back to these phrases. Leave a few moments of silence.
If your mind is wandering, come back to these phrases of goodwill for yourself: “I am present. I am ready. I am able. I am worthy.” Leave a few moments of silence.
Throughout your day, you can come back to your breathing or to these phrases whenever you need them. Try to maintain some of this goodwill you have cultivated for yourself. When you are ready, you can open your eyes.
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