I can remember an experience with my spouse about 12 years ago. We attended a partner yoga class. While these types of classes are not sexual, partners can experience deep intimacy as they find ways to support each other in various yoga postures.
My spouse and I moved through the class with relative ease. Our final pose involved eye gazing. In this practice, we sat across from each other with our buttocks resting on our heels. Our left arms relaxed at our sides, left hands in our laps, and our right arms reached up and forward toward each other. With our elbows bent, we rested our right hands on each other’s hearts and breathed quietly.
My spouse looked into my eyes. Without words, I felt his kindness. To my surprise, my eyes welled up with tears. His gaze touched my soul deeply. I felt beautiful and completely wrapped in his love. I will never forget that moment.
While these more intense moments do not happen on a daily basis, they occur from time to time. We may have a moment where we catch each other visually and cast a knowing smile. No words are required.
I often facilitate eye gazing exercises in therapy sessions. Initially, partners might giggle a bit, make jokes, and, after 30 seconds or so, begin to settle into each other despite any discomforts that arise. Partners often share how “hard” the exercise felt when we process it afterward.
Some partners become acutely aware of disconnection, as if the exercise holds up a mirror they did not want to look into. Other times, partners cry tears of joy or express mutual love and a renewed sense of commitment to the other.
How often do you quietly look deeply into your partner’s eyes? Gaze into them over dinner? Kiss passionately with your eyes open?
How often do you quietly look deeply into your partner’s eyes? Gaze into them over dinner? Kiss passionately with your eyes open?
If the answer is “never,” I invite you to become curious about yourself and your relationship. If you allowed your partner to look deeply into your eyes, what might he or she see? What do you shield your partner from? What do you fear you might see in your partner?
If you are feeling adventurous, try an eye gazing experiment at home. Set a timer for three minutes. Minimize distractions. Turn ringers off on phones. Sit comfortably across from each other, arms resting at your sides. Take a couple of deep breaths and quietly look at each other. Scan your partner’s face. Look away if you need to, but always come back to his or her eyes.
Your experience will provide you with a wealth of information:
- You might find yourself squirming with discomfort as your partner looks into your eyes OR your partner’s gaze may lull you into a dreamy stupor.
- You might feel sheer terror and violation about being looked at so deeply and want to crawl into yourself and hide OR you may find that your partner’s gaze feels safe and easy.
- You might feel silly, giggly, and foolish OR you may become pensive, reflective, and grounded in your partner’s gaze.
- You might feel rigid, tense, and hold your breath OR you may feel relaxed and in flow with your partner’s energy.
- You might feel disconnected, empty, and alone OR you may feel connected and fully loved.
This information may confirm a connection and love you both experience from the other on a daily basis. If not, the degree of discomfort reflects important information that requires your attention. Any discomforts most likely show up in both tangible and intangible ways throughout your relationship.
How do you plan to use the information you learn?
© Copyright 2015 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved.
The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.
Could Your Marriage Survive an Affair?
30 Days to a More Intimate Relationship
Don't Judge Me: Embracing Your Partner's Differences
