This article will make it all sound so easy. And, practically speaking, it is. The act of making requests is an extremely straightforward process. Similar to the choice to forgive someone, offering a sincere request can immediately and radically alter the landscape of your long held grievances. Suddenly with a courageous wave of your hand, the chances of getting what you want from others can be tipped in your favor. It takes practice. But it’s not rocket science. There are four recommended steps to follow – described a few paragraphs down. (Go ahead and glance at them but then come back.)
The real complications arise as you consider the formidable attachments you have to your current complaints, the human body’s resistance to change in general, and the likely fact that others will feel more entitled to make requests from you as well. Taking a good hard look at these obstacles may help to clear the way toward the simplest game changer of all: asking for what you want.
The stories behind your hidden complaints are deep and intoxicating. Not only can they ensnare you in a gloriously self righteous victim stance (“Once again I’m the good mother taking up the slack in doing the chores for my absent minded son to keep his angry father at bay”), they also supply you comfort while facing some apparently unsolvable problems (“Sure I hold a grudge about my partner’s low libido but at least I try and keep it to myself”). With time your complaints can seem a secondary part of your identity. People come to expect your silent martyrdom, your nagging, and/or your backhanded comments as a sad but permanent part of your behavior pattern. They understand your willingness to put up with constant disappointment comes with its price. You entitle yourself to an abiding sense of resentment, free to act out on it whenever you so choose. The sour taste of resentment finds its sweet complement in each act of revenge you have subconsciously planned. If you are human, you know well the sweet/sour concoction of which I speak.
Choosing to put aside the intoxicating stories of your well-deserved outrage requires a full body effort. Feeling cheated by another and feeling justifiably angry about it creates a warped world but at least it is one where you maintain some sense of control (“There she goes again. Now it’s my turn to make her pay for it. We all know where this is headed”). Abandoning the dance of finger pointing, silent treatments, and bickering will leave you vulnerable at first. You may notice bodily tensions rise in unexpected ways. The fight or flight response lies deep within your physical chemistry and doesn’t disappear just at the asking. Your body requires soothing, encouraging thoughts to calm it when it’s reactions are on alert. This is when the rubber hits the road in your decision to hold fast to the request process. The opportunities for backsliding into the safety of sarcasm or the cool complacency of contempt will surface at every turn.
Once engaged in making your request, attention is placed on an uncertain world; a world comprised amid the shifting sands of two peoples’ present experience. Your opinion is vital but no longer the all important “reality” of the situation. You become willing to entertain and validate opinions that draw upon details you already selectively erased from memory. You are charged with holding on to your views and, paradoxically, letting them go at the same time while searching for a compromise that satisfies not you but the whole (“I wanted perfect love. Instead I got an agreement that he would give me a kiss each morning even as he continues to be preoccupied with work”). Moving toward genuine negotiation requires having a higher regard for Shared Agreements than for Being Right (“She still thinks she’s a better driver, but we’ve agreed that she will stop giving directions when I’m at the wheel.”) With time, as these small successful requests gather momentum, the inner drive for negotiated harmony can gain some footing. Though not as delirious an elixir as self righteous contempt, the taste of asserting oneself through requests is an acquired one; bold, slightly bitter, with a distinct finish of honey.
Guidelines for Making a Request
I get clear about what I want
- I’ve spent some time imagining what this would look like if it happened
- I’m focused on the precise behaviors – not the attitude
I set the stage for a good talk
- “Can we set aside 20 minutes together today?”
- “Where would you like to meet?”
- “Lets agree to stop after 20 minutes and come back to the subject later if we need to.”
I am specific and state what I do want (not what I don’t want)
- I describe the specific actions that I’m asking for in a sentence or two
- I will stop myself if I start trying to explain or justify it.
- I don’t need to anticipate what problems may come of it,
- I just say the request.
- That’s all.
I listen to my partner’s reaction in full
- I’ll interrupt only to clarify what I’ve heard so far
- I encourage them to put all their cards on the table
- If there is a pause, I wait to see if there is anything else…
I restate their reaction (without hostility)
- I recap with an effort at stating things from their perspective
- It’s OK to just repeat their words if I don’t quite understand
- I can ask questions to clarify but not to argue
- “This is my partner’s experience. It doesn’t have to be true.”
I restate my request (without apology)
- Here’s where I remind us of what it is I want
- This is not an argument, or a plead, or a nag
- I just repeat the specific request.
- That’s all.
We suggest solutions and negotiate
- Time to find and build on areas of agreement.
- Make it clear that your highest priority is making a decision that is satisfactory to both of you.
- If urge to criticize arises, take a breath. It’s OK to disagree on some points.
- When you have an agreement you can live with, tell your partner.
- Make short-term agreements.
- “Lets talk again on Sunday about how this worked out.”
If we hit a brick wall, we stop
- “I want to stop and think about this for awhile.”
- “Let’s talk about it again on Tuesday after I’ve taken in your thoughts.”
- Make it clear that your highest priority is making a decision that is satisfactory to both of you.
- Take time to appreciate each other for the effort.
The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.
