Sometimes, when we experience a confusing situation in our lives, like a tricky misunderstanding, a missed flight, a difficult loss, or even positive news we weren’t expecting, mixed emotions can leave us in a nagging bind over how to process it. We can tie ourselves up wondering, “How am I supposed to feel about this?” Or, we might stressfully say to ourselves, “I know I should feel [insert desired emotion] about this, but I just feel [insert actual emotion]!”
| More than one feeling can be true | |
| A five-minute experiment | |
| When support can help | |
| Mixed emotions FAQ |
Our emotions, like our lives and the people around us, are nuanced and rich. In my psychotherapy practice, I’ve supported many people over the years who can be hard on themselves for how they feel, however unintentionally. And I don’t exempt myself from this, either.
We live in a culture that reinforces the idea that to feel better means to look at a situation in a certain way, or that certain emotions are better than others. But the truth is, it’s normal, human, and honest to feel multiple ways about a single event.
Mixed emotions are not a character flaw. They often mean you are registering the complexity of an experience with honesty.
Rather than believing we should feel only one way about something and trying to talk ourselves out of anything else, acknowledging the range of our feelings is what helps us begin to feel better. This has nothing to do with our character or how we choose to act. This is just a way for us to have our own backs within the safety of our own minds, by being honest with ourselves about how we’re feeling.
Instead of asking, “What should I feel?” try asking, “What feelings are here?” That small shift can soften the self-judgment that often makes mixed emotions harder to hold.
If self-judgment is loud, it may help to notice whether an inner critic is trying to manage the situation for you. You do not have to argue with that part of yourself. You can simply make more room for the full truth of what you feel.
This is certainly easier said than done, and it may not be news to some. But if this concept resonates with you, here’s an experiment to play with: the next time you have five minutes to yourself, maybe while brushing your teeth or commuting, give yourself the gift of slowing down to identify each of your emotions about something you experienced recently.
This is not an analysis exercise. It is a short practice in acknowledging what is already there.
| Choose one recent situation that has stayed with you. | |
| Name each feeling you notice, even if the feelings seem to contradict one another. | |
| Don’t try to analyze or talk yourself out of any of them. Simply acknowledge the existence of each feeling. | |
| Notice whether you feel even a glimmer of relief, insight, or internal steadiness. |
The internal validation might feel strange if you’re not used to it, but you might notice even just a glimmer of relief from it, and maybe even insight. You get to feel how you feel.
Event to “How should I feel?” to pause to name the range to a little more room inside.
Sometimes this practice is enough for the moment. Other times, mixed emotions may feel intense, confusing, persistent, or tied to anxiety, grief, burnout, relationship pain, identity questions, or older experiences. Therapy can offer a steady place to slow down and understand what is happening inside without adding shame.
Approaches such as mindfulness-based therapy, relational therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and Internal Family Systems therapy may help some people build a more compassionate relationship with different parts of themselves. The right fit depends on your needs, history, preferences, and relationship with the therapist.
If self-judgment around your emotions feels hard to shift alone, you can search for a therapist who supports anxiety, stress, self-compassion, identity exploration, or life transitions.
Common questions about mixed emotions, self-judgment, and feeling how you feel.
A: Yes. It is normal, human, and honest to feel multiple ways about a single event. Acknowledging the range of your feelings can help you understand yourself more clearly.
A: Many people learn that certain emotions are more acceptable than others. That pressure can make you ask what you should feel instead of noticing what is actually present.
A: Emotional validation means acknowledging that a feeling exists without immediately arguing with it, explaining it away, or making it wrong. It does not mean every feeling becomes a command.
A: Take five quiet minutes and name each feeling connected to one recent experience. Do not try to analyze or talk yourself out of any of them. Simply acknowledge each feeling’s existence.
A: Therapy can help you slow down, notice self-judgment, and relate to your feelings with more curiosity and care. It can be especially helpful when emotions feel intense, confusing, or connected to grief, anxiety, trauma, or relationship stress.
If mixed emotions feel heavy, confusing, or hard to hold with compassion, therapy can offer a steady place to slow down and listen inward.
The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org.