Oral Spelunking: The Intimacy of Kissing

August 3rd, 2012 |

Groom kissing bride's hand Many of the sex workers I’ve known refuse to let anyone but their spouse kiss them on the mouth. You would think that kissing “down there” would be more intimate but, surprisingly, it seems that for most people kissing a partner on the lips makes a more profound statement than kissing the genitals.

Frequently couples whose relationships are suffering report that they stopped kissing on the lips long before they stopped having intercourse. Why? Anthropologist Helen Fisher has pointed out that many of the major senses have their outlets on the human face. There is vision, taste, smell, and hearing (on the edges). So it may be that kissing on the lips or face provides a much more intense experience.

We also talk about someone “getting in your face” when they are being confrontational. To intentionally let someone get in your face is to allow yourself to be vulnerable in a very intimate way.

Recently a woman in her late forties lamented that her husband of 25 years had never asked her how she liked to be kissed. She likes delicate little butterfly kisses that are “dry…I just want to tell him to turn off the water works!” She decided during that session to tell him, or better yet show him what she liked, and reported later that their sex life had improved as a result.

I’ve heard it said that French kissing is the oral version of spelunking. One sex therapist colleague swears that it’s called that because French women found it to be an effective way to make French men shut up! I’ll never forget my first experience after a high school dance with “frenching.” The guy jammed his tongue deep into my throat like he was trying to reach my tonsils—a truly horrifying experience.

And can you remember hickeys? You know—the bruises that result when a lover sucks on your skin with a vacuum force that causes internal bleeding. Usually these show up on your neck, although one woman complained that her boyfriend had given her one on the middle of her forehead—who knew?

The neck actually is a glorious place to give and receive lots of tender kisses—most people report that they yearn for more attention to their neck as well as their eyelids, cheeks, ears, noses, and yes, even foreheads foregoing the vampire action of the previous paragraph!

Thorough and enthusiastic lovers will enjoy discovering and rediscovering their sweethearts from head to toe, finding new places their partner loves to be kissed. Here are a few suggestions….Skin folds or places where the skin creases tend to be exquisitely sensitive and love to be kissed. Examples include behind the knees, in front of elbows, under breasts, the nape of the neck, on eyelids, armpits, between fingers and toes, and behind ears. (One of my own favorite places since I wear glasses and get rather sore is behind my poor ears!)

Interested in a few more areas? The lower back and bum can be exquisite places to kiss and caress—and don’t forget bellies and navels. Some view the belly button as a tiny vulva, or equally sensitive point for men. These people love having their navels licked, sucked, and titillated.

The wisest thing that I suggest to people of both genders exploring a new relationship is to simply ask your partner to kiss you the way s/he likes to be kissed. You get to lean back and let them take over, and you get to learn all kinds of wonderful things! This type of deep surrender is what true sexual intimacy is all about.