Should You Embrace Your In-Laws or Avoid Them?

Family walking down hillAccording to results of a recent study, spouses should tread lightly when forming bonds with in-laws. Terri Orbuch, a professor and psychologist at the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan, recently spoke about the findings of a study she has been conducting that spans more than 25 years. Orbuch originally interviewed 373 newlywed couples in 1986 and has been following them to assess their relationships. One of the factors she has examined is the dynamic of the in-law relationship. Orbuch found that the husbands who had close relationships with their in-laws were 20% less likely to divorce than those who had strained in-law bonds. However, this type of intimate family tie did not have the same effect for wives. In fact, wives who were very close to in-laws were more likely to divorce than those who kept their distance.

These results seem to fly in the face of conventional wisdom. One would think family harmony and close bonds would strengthen a marital relationship. But Orbuch believes these findings are not all that surprising. Men, she says, see their primary role as provider, not husband, son, or father. Women, on the other hand, may have difficulty distinguishing between in-law closeness and meddling. “They interpret what their in-laws say and do as interference into their identity as a spouse and parent,” Orbuch said.

The data from this study shouldn’t scare wives into running as fast and as far away as they can from their husbands’ families. It should, however, provide some guidance into navigating delicate in-law relationships. Orbuch suggests that parents should embrace sons- and daughters-in-law but remember that daughters-in-law may be more sensitive to advice and input. Orbuch also recommends that husbands treat their wives’ family members as they would treat their wives—with love and respect. Wives should do the same, but should also set clear boundaries when it comes to issues related to the marriage, personal problems, or parenting. This will allow in-laws to maintain a level of involvement without imposing on the relationship.

Reference:
Bernstein, Elizabeth. The power of the son-in-law. The Wall Street Journal. N.p., 26 Nov. 2012. Web. 28 Nov. 2012. http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887323713104578137222992767676.html

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  • Barbara

    December 7th, 2012 at 12:16 PM

    If there is something I have learnt from all these years of being married, it is that it is always a good idea to maintain a healthy but not-to-close relationship with the in-laws.Best to avoid being hostile and cut of but even getting too close can create fiction and the best way would be to tread the middle path of being courteous and respectful but not too interfering.

  • AmyH

    December 8th, 2012 at 4:27 AM

    There have been times in my marriage when I have gone both ways. I started out trying to make them really like and love me, but when I felt like that didn’t work then I avoided them all together. I guess over the past few years I have found more of a balance with them, which allows me to spend time with them in a friendly way when I have to to, but not going out of my way to try to be another daughter to them. I don’t think that they really wanted that, and personally I ddin’t really want that either.

  • benjamin

    December 8th, 2012 at 11:40 AM

    I didn’t get married expecting my parents and wife to become best friends, but I also thought that they would have a better relationship with each other than what they do. Sometimes it is as if they don’t even want to be in the same room with each other and I really do wish that all of them would grow up a little and be more civil with each other.

  • Lila

    December 9th, 2012 at 3:58 PM

    Good grief, can’t we all just get along?! I don’t want them breathing down my neck but at the same time I don’t want to feel like I have to head in the other direction just because they’re coming over either. Know what I think? I think that many people just automatically assume that these are people that they will not get along with so they do everything that they can to make this into their reality. The gfact of the matter is that most people are actually cordial and kind to their in laws and get along just fine, but it’s the bad cases that make all the headlines and that’s what we think that most of the relationships are actually like.

  • Dwayne

    December 9th, 2012 at 9:30 PM

    This is probably a question most of us will never get a definitive answer to.I don’t know what it is about this relationship but in laws are almost always those magnets that go repel no matter how you place them!

  • Nancy

    December 10th, 2012 at 1:26 AM

    I have never had a major falling out with my in-laws. My mother-in-law has royally ticked me off before, but we’ve always made up in the end. Or, well, I guess enough time as gone by that we are both able to let go of whatever got us going. I think at the bottom of it all, I am grateful to my mother-in-law for raising my husband to be the man he is today. And, I think she is grateful to me for making him happy and raising two great kids.

  • Mary Anne

    December 10th, 2012 at 1:28 AM

    Nancy, you are lucky my mother in law was out to get me from the start. i dont no how my husband wput up w/ her all that time. he is a saint as far as im concerned.

  • jason bennett

    December 10th, 2012 at 4:07 AM

    Guess I am lucky that my wife and I both have pretty good relationships with one another’s parents. We have all known each other for a long time so I can see how this aspect would help. But we have always tried to have an open mind and be pleasant with them even when there of course have been times when we didn’t necessarily want to. It is just so much easier to be civil than it is to be mean and carry around anger for no good reason.

  • suzie33

    August 8th, 2016 at 9:21 AM

    I AVOID MY HUSBAND PARENTS COMPLETELY BECAUSE THEY ARE RUDE AND DON’T CARE. THEY EVEN DISRESPECT THEIR OWN CHILDREN. I DO NOT TOLERATE DISRESPECT FROM ANYONE. IF YOU HAVE TO AVOID THEM TO KEEP YOUR SANITY AND AVOID ARGUMENT YOU SHOULD. I PRAY TO GOD THAT I NEVER BECOME A CRAZY MOTHER-IN-LAW. LACK OF INTERESTS OUTISDE OF YOUR FAMILY CAUSES THIS. IT IS IMPORTANT TO TRY TO MAINTAIN SOME SORT OF LIFE OUTSIDE OF YOUR KIDS AND FAMILY. HOLD ON TO YOUR IDENTITY TO AVOID BECOMING MISERABLE AND ANNOYING IN YOUR OLD AGE.

  • flora

    September 29th, 2016 at 2:36 PM

    I’m almost to the point of walking away. Not necessarily because of my MIL and FIL, but my BIL’s wife. She cannot be trusted. She’s never liked me and does everything to cut me out. We’re never invited to her birthday and my husbands parents allow it. But because they favor my BIL, we’re expected to move heaven and earth to include them in everything. Despite not getting invited, we take the high road and send a present, but she never gets me anything. She’ll get presents for my husband and kids, but I don’t get anything. She also recently started talking trash about me to my husbands kids. Really crossing a line. Since my husband’s parents don’t do anything to discourage her or be more inclusive of us. I’m ready to walk.

  • Wife

    May 23rd, 2017 at 8:53 AM

    My MIL is excluding me and FIL have invited the BIL to family holidays with his fiancé in front of me and texted my husband. I have set boundaries due to my MIL sarcastic and manipulative behaviour by ensuring I won’t tolerate it prior to getting married. Used to get on with my FIL and always tried to be nice and make time with them until MIL accused me of trying to hard she is blind BTW and said I think she’s a blind old bat after raising her behaviour and setting boundaries. 2 years has gone past we now married and I have tried on 2 further occasssions to be the better person by inviting them for Christmas dinner and even had a phone call with MIL to see how we can resolve. Her response was all about her and how she would have had a great career if she wasn’t blind after telling her that I don’t feel welcome in their family. Followed by various emails from her to my husband saying how we think we hello celebrities for going to a spa day which was a gift. Comments / emails got so bad that I’ve blocked entire family on facebook due to her sister telling her everything we do. Now 1 year after we got married and last time I saw them was the Christmas Dinner which I’ve planned which was followed by another email saying she hoped I think it went well. I’ve since not seen them or replied to her emails. She wore a black dress to my wedding and now she wants to tell me what I should do for her my BIL wedding which I won’t be attending. Help how to deal with manipulative / narcisstic MIL who only thinks of herself and blame me and my husband relationship on everything yet her favourite which she admitted in front of my husband which I find rude is everything….hate not getting on with them and now having to distance myself from them due to their behaviour :-(

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