I’m in Love with My Therapist
Thank you for writing such a thoughtful and detailed letter. As a result of your painful loss, you’ve touched on some very important issues that many people could benefit from.
It may help to know that you’re not alone. Actually, it’s not at all uncommon for people to “fall in love” with their therapists. The 2 words you used to describe this process – attachment and transference – are accurate and very important in understanding how and why therapy works. Years of research about the effectiveness of psychotherapy have shown remarkably consistent results: The single most important factor in good therapy outcomes is the supportive, accepting and empathic relationship between client and therapist.
Your love for your therapist is perfectly understandable. I remember the love, even infatuation, I felt for the therapist I saw when I was in graduate school over 30 years ago. Many people fall in love with their therapists – it’s the very nature of attachment in human relationships. Modern brain science actually shows us how this happens. Our brains are actually hard wired for a deep level of emotional attachment to others. A healthy emotional attachment means that we have a deep level of trust, closeness, and feelings of affection toward someone. In a good therapy relationship we feel seen and heard – deeply understood and cared for.
Is it also possible that you “transferred” (referencing your accurate use of the word transference) your unmet needs, possibly from childhood, onto your therapist? That would also be a very common experience for people in therapy. In that way, we have an opportunity to “work through” or even resolve past emotional trauma or childhood emotional injuries due to abandonment or abuse. We’ve also learned from modern brain science that we heal old emotional injuries neurologically, partly as a result of this kind of close, caring relationship.
It sounds like you did accomplish some very important work in therapy. You mentioned how it helped with your shame and with some major life changes. This was, indeed, a successful therapy outcome. It was also unfortunate that you did not have the opportunity to work through the dependency issues you experienced with this therapist. I can certainly understand how this kind of ending – referred to as “termination” in therapy lingo – would be very painful without adequate preparation.
I would encourage you to continue with your therapy. This new therapist may be just what you need, as you indicate in your question. With some distance from your previous therapist, you have the opportunity to learn and grow by exploring your feelings about her, and how those feelings may connect back to earlier life experiences and relationships. After all, it is true that, like the Phoenix rising from the ashes, we are more likely to learn and grow from real emotional pain.
Should you mourn this devastating loss? Absolutely. Should you move on with your life? Yes again. However, there is no single correct answer to the question of how to do this. If you decide to take a break from therapy, the emotional pain may recede, and you may have a new perspective over time. If you continue with your new therapist, the rawness of the pain may actually provide you a more immediate reality to heal and grow from. After all, relationships have an unfortunate tendency to result in frustration, disappointment and lots of emotional pain. The good news is that while we are injured in relationships, we are often healed in relationships, and they can bring us much joy and a new awareness that can enrich our lives.
I wish you all the best on your journey.
Richard