I’m 16, and Porn Is Affecting My Studies

November 30th, 2012   |  

Thank you so much for your question, Distracted. First of all, for the purposes of grammar and keeping it simple I’m going to assume you are male, while understanding you could just as easily be female (since this problem affects more women than previously thought). Second, I know you’re very bright because you are doing something to address this serious issue at a relatively young age. Most people I treat in my practice ignore the problem until it reaches a breaking point, and even then they struggle and resist really making any changes (i.e. even after their divorce or business falls apart). So congratulations for having the smarts and courage to address it now!

The first thing I would do, and this probably will not shock you coming from a therapist, is to see a therapist, at least for a consultation. (If possible, you could do so without telling your parents first; if money is an issue, see if a local therapist who specializes in addictions will see you for a low-cost consultation or a phone conversation, since most therapists will do 15 to 20 minutes on the phone for free; you can do so with the understanding that you may become a client if parental support is given, etc. The first topic could be how to pay for the treatment or break the news to your parents. This of course may not be an issue, but often is.)

Addiction is interrelated with all kinds of other issues, including anxiety, stress, relationships with peers and opposite sex, sexuality (of course), and even family relationships. In a way, the behavior itself is but a symptom of issues lurking beneath the surface. Stopping the “symptom” behavior is much easier once you are getting emotional support and guidance for internal conflicts. You’ll probably want to put a strong filter on your computer, and allow a good friend or family member to set the password. (Try not to expect total success the first time you try to stop; it usually takes time and numerous tries, just don’t give up.) I also recommend finding nondestructive ways to relax, such as meditation, exercise, yoga, socializing with friends, some way to relax and distract your mind from cravings to “act out” with porn. Remember that every craving has a beginning, middle, and end. Each time you have a craving and don’t look at porn, you get a little bit stronger over your addiction.

I encourage you to find some kind of group support. Sometimes religious or civic centers (church or synagogue, YMCA, boys clubs, etc.) have support groups for teens struggling with a variety of things, including addictions. You can probably even find some online support, but the point is to try and take the shame out of the problem by relating to others with the same problem, since you are not alone. There have been scores of media stories lately about the epidemic of online addiction of one type or another, porn addiction being one. (Just look on YouTube for some recent ABC News stories on this.) Again, I think it’s great you’re facing the problem now. Because it really doesn’t just “go away” unless you address it.

You could also check online for local sex-addiction-recovery meetings (Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex/Love Addicts Anonymous) and call the meeting chairman (or chairwoman) to see if they know of any local support for folks your age. Some cities are now offering at least one weekly meeting for teens struggling with compulsive sexual behaviors; alternately, you could check with whichever therapist you speak with if there are therapy groups for teens which address this issue. Group therapy can be even more helpful than individual therapy for certain issues (like addiction) and is cheaper than one-on-one treatment. You could even start your own group or meeting somewhere, advertising it anonymously. I recommend a couple of good books: In the Shadows of the Net by Patrick Carnes and The Porn Trap by Wendy & Larry Maltz, both of which offer insight and practical advice on facing this addiction.

Finally, I know of several residential-treatment centers that work with teens and behavioral addictions. You can e-mail me via this website if you want more information on that. It may sound extreme, but sometimes an intensive approach really jump-starts one’s recovery and results in a new “toolkit” to fight such an insidious malady. Plus, it allows you to develop friendships with those with whom you can relate and identify, which can be invaluable in terms of support and encouragement.

Again, thank you so much for writing, and I commend you for taking that scary but necessary first step, which is saying, “I need help, now what?” Too many people with this problem never do.

Kind regards,
Darren