Did you ever hear the saying, “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk”? Friends don’t let friends live their lives drunk, either. From your description, her behavior sounds like she may be addicted to alcohol, or someone who abuses alcohol and is at risk of becoming addicted. Alcoholism is a chronic, dangerous issue.
You were a good friend and told her that she is courting trouble; sometimes it hurts to hear the truth. When you told her that her behavior was ruining her relationships, yours included, she got angry and accusative. It sounds like she needs help, just as you told her. She’s lost her boyfriend and her job and is sponging off her mom. “She blows up at everyone around her,” you wrote. This is one of the many symptoms of alcoholism.
Does her mother understand where the money is going? It sounds like the mom is being used, and, as you say, the mom’s money is enabling your friend’s dangerous behavior. Perhaps the mom gives her daughter money because she feels sorry for her. People with alcoholism are experts at playing on others’ feelings so they can get what they want. You’re her best friend, and you’re trying to stop her from ruining her life. Rather than thinking about what you are saying, she accuses you of always judging her and telling her what to do. And maybe you do.
I once heard someone describe stopping drinking as like “stopping a speeding express train barehanded.” Your friend may have to hit bottom before she can begin the long climb back. I know you want to help her, but people can’t be helped if they aren’t willing and able to accept help. Stopping her is not in your power. She can get better, but she has to choose to first, and then she has to work long, hard, and with great determination. No one can do it for her.
You ask who owns this problem—clearly, your friend does. The problem is hers to do something about. Or not.
My opinion: She should join a 12-step program, consult a therapist, and perhaps a psychopharmacologist, too. Remember, alcoholism is a very serious issue, and needs professional treatment—much more than even the best of friends can give her. It sounds like you have already given her a great deal; perhaps it’s time for you to step back.
If you want to remain her friend, you might consider joining Al-Anon, which focuses on problems common to family members and friends of people with alcoholism. Some of those problems are loyalty to abusive people and a tendency toward excessive caretaking. Does this sound familiar?
You need support, too. A tough-love approach might be helpful for you both, and you would benefit from the backing of other Al-Anon members who know how to negotiate the alcoholism territory, which is a rough one. As when you’re in the jungle, you need a compass and companions so you can work together and find your way out—you and your friend, both.
I wish good luck to both of you.
Best wishes,
Lynn
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