Thanks for your question. I guess the simple and perhaps even smart-alecky answer would be, “Don’t talk about politics and stick to sports!” I have very good friends who disagree with me politically and we are so passionate about our respective views that we simply agree to disagree. With others, I find it a little easier to have a more moderately tempered exchange; for example, I have a college buddy on Facebook who has drifted to the opposite end of the spectrum as me, but he has a sense of humor and pokes fun at my “side” and we have a good-natured sparring relationship about it. I could not do that with everyone.
But on a broader and philosophical level, your question points to a very psychologically significant phenomenon—related to change and, perhaps, loss.
The sometimes jarring fact of the matter is people change. There are friends from my past, as I sit here in middle age, whom I would no longer recognize. Some I am happy to stay in touch with via Facebook, and some I just can’t find common ground with anymore. A lot of this is about the present: the ongoing, indestructible present moment, which creates a context around what remains in common today. And other than a shared past, there are some with whom we just don’t share much in common anymore. Sometimes a new place—geographically, emotionally—can change a person, which changes his or her relationships. Sounds like your friend has changed for reasons that, I’m guessing, have little to do with you, but do affect the friendship.
We all exist in a particular context, often fleeting, ever shifting. (This would be related to what Buddhists call “groundlessness.”) In the case of your friend, you and he shared some very intense experiences in a common setting, but obviously things have changed in more complicated ways than can be assessed by the human eye. It sounds to me like you would have to make an adjustment to “fit” this new situation by listening to the “jibber jabber” of your friend’s politics. Perhaps these politics have become important to him for some reason that blocks more friendly relating. Could you ask him to drop this as a topic? Or is life too short to even bother at this point?
I was curious about the notion of an “obligation” to him, and I think that warrants further investigation. Why “obligation”? What are the risks of not following this new “requirement”? My sense is that not staying obligated might bring with it a loss of a kind that could be symbolic for you: for example, this friend was like a brother, and losing him might be related to experiencing a brotherly loss of a kind. Maybe you feel you’ve lost too many “friends” lately. Is there a loneliness losing him might touch on? Or perhaps there are people in your life like him, and for some reason you feel like you “owe” it to them to stay uncomfortable listening to opinions that seriously clash with yours. There is something abrasive about feeling “forced” to listen to political opinions that don’t jibe with yours; it sounds as if it might be more of a monologue than a conversation. “Fun for one,” as a friend likes to say. It does you no good to force yourself in such situations. I suppose you could try to “understand” his positions, if you’re interested, but that’s a lot of work on your part, and it may or may not be worth it.
More importantly, why hold on to this particular friendship if it’s no longer fun or friendly? It sounds like your college pal now wants your audience as more than a friend, from what you’ve said. Assuming he’s going to cling to his political points of view, what purpose does it serve by pretending a friendship is there that has changed or even faded away? I get a sad feeling while writing this, since people do come in and then out of our lives in a way that can spark specific feelings in us, depending on who we are and how we process these experiences.
In short, see if getting politics out of the equation helps, or if by continuing this friendship you are staving off inevitable feelings of loss that, unfortunately, are as difficult in life as connections are rewarding. You seem like a nice, considerate fellow, and I’m hoping there are people in your life whom you can spend more time with, rather than forcing a situation that no longer suits your particular context. Thank you for writing!
Best wishes,
Darren
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