Feeling like you’re compelled to self-destruct is a very scary place to be; you probably feel out of control and scared about what might come next or the consequences of the behaviors you’ve described. I imagine that you are also grappling with some feelings of guilt and shame. This response will not give you all the answers you might be seeking, but hopefully it will shed some light on what to do next.
I was struck by your statement “What’s wrong with me?” because I don’t necessarily see anything “wrong” with you. I wonder if you would be willing to look at your behavior not as something that is “wrong” but rather as an indication that you are hurting and this behavior is letting you know. Often, when I see people who are acting out in self-destructive ways it is an unconscious way of self-sabotage. Perhaps you feel unworthy of love, success, and happiness, and act in ways to reaffirm that belief. Perhaps you are afraid of closeness and intimacy and use these behaviors as a way to keep yourself distanced from others. It is really difficult to pinpoint an exact cause without knowing more about your situation, but I would venture to say that you are unhappy and frustrated with how you’ve been living and may be reaching a point where you’re ready to make some changes. Even though you may feel very out of control right now, may I encourage you with the idea that you can always choose a different path and, therefore, a different outcome.
It takes a lot of courage to send in a question like this one; I hope you continue and take the next step of calling a qualified therapist who can help you understand why you’ve made the choices you have and who can journey with you as you decide how you will live from this point forward. It is not an easy road to walk, but it is always well worth it in the end
Sincerely,
Lisa
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