Changes in the Parent-Child Relationship After Divorce
When couples get married, they generally do so with the intention that the marriage will be for a lifetime, but the reality is divorce is a common experience. Year after year, many marriages end because of various reasons. When marriages crumble, it is important for couples to remember they still have a responsibility to themselves and any children the marriage produced.
Honoring that responsibility entails several different facets. First, it is imperative for parents to be aware of the red flags that indicate their children are not coping well with the split. Parents also must adjust to and be aware of changes to come in regards to their relationship with their children. In many cases, parents must create and adjust to new parenting roles.
Red Flags for Children
When children experience the divorce or separation of their parents, they may exhibit behaviors and emotions including, but not limited to, sadness; anger; confusion; feeling torn between both parents; guilt; and fear for the future. Some children may even struggle with academic performance. All of this is quite normal considering the child’s family, as they knew it, is drastically changing.
So how does one identify when these behaviors are problematic? Well, if a child is displaying extreme emotions (symptoms of depression or anxiety, for example) that are interfering with their ability to function academically or socially for an extended period of time, steps may need to be taken to address this. The same may be true for children who no longer want to participate in extracurricular activities, especially if they stop participation without reason or warning.
When children’s emotions and behaviors become unusual, out of character, or extreme, it’s advisable for parents to consult a family therapist for assistance.
Consistency Is Key
It’s important for parents to understand the impact of divorce on the entire family unit. Parents should develop a plan of action by working together or with a mediator, if needed, to prioritize creating as much consistency for children as possible. This could relate to their schedules and routines, vacations, school activities, etc.
Patience and understanding are critical since children are often not equipped with the skills to navigate major life changes. Out of consideration for their feelings, parents should consider limiting exposure to new romantic partners while the divorce is still fresh. Ideally, both parents should live as close to their children as possible in order to foster ongoing attachment and security.
Taking on New Parenting Roles
New parenting roles may include those of counselor and mediator. Some parents may have to embrace the role of counselor and listen to their children express emotions related to the divorce. Other parents may have to work as the family mediator and help foster a positive and seamless relationship between children and extended family members.
When children are involved, divorcing couples must remember ending the marriage does not mean ending the family. Parenting is for a lifetime.
Parents must remember to actively parent their children at all times; it is not sufficient to parent by guilt. Parenting by guilt means parents are indulgent and enforce few boundaries and consequences for bad behavior because they feel guilty about the divorce.
Parents should work together to display as much consistency as possible in rules between households and routines. It is not fair for one parent to become the “Disneyland” parent, meaning they see the child relatively infrequently and therefore typically engage in only fun activities, making the other parent seem strict or unfun by comparison. Both parents should participate in homework, extracurricular activities, academic meetings, and other events to show children a united front. In this spirit, any differences between parents should be kept in confidence and expressed out of view of the children.
Divorce is never easy—for anyone affected. But if parents work together to foster consistency and cooperation in the best interests of the children, the transition can be less painful. Parents who find it difficult to work together should consider enlisting the help of a family therapist or mediator.
When children are involved, divorcing couples must remember ending the marriage does not mean ending the family. Parenting is for a lifetime.