The “good daughter” of the narcissistically defended mother may be frequently concerned with either looking good or making sure everyone else is good with her. This is often her only way of feeling emotionally safe. After all, she has learned to shut down her own feelings in order to protect her mother’s fragile self-esteem.
The “good daughter” frequently needs to disconnect from her authentic self for emotional survival. She disconnects from herself and tunes into mom’s needs instead.
Frequently appearing untouchable, self-doubt may flood her sense of self when she is met with the slightest criticism. Years of looking good for mom and never experiencing acceptance of her real self, the “good daughter” may be left with little emotional resilience.
Unfortunately, when she detaches from her essential self, letting another person in is almost impossible. This severely limits her capacity for intimacy and leads to a deep sense of loneliness. The acceptance she longs for in another may seem out of reach, leaving her feeling empty both interpersonally and intra-psychically.
Tragically, when the “good daughter” feels the need to keep up an illusion of perfection, no one gets to see who she really is. When a love interest gets too close, she may back away, fearing the real her wouldn’t be enough. Or she picks partners who are in desperate need of narcissistic mirroring themselves.
Riddled with an anxiety that she won’t measure up in some way, she often over-functions at work or at school. Rather than bringing a sense of satisfaction, her successes feel to her a mere stay of execution.
She lives in fear of the day she will be found out.
She might exercise and starve herself to quiet the inner critic that relentlessly calls her “fat,” “lazy,” and other unsavory labels. If she obeys the internal critical voices and gives of herself enough, she can sometimes calm the voices to a dull roar.
Still, the internal tyrant is always there, lying in wait—waiting to hunt her down the minute the “good daughter” lets her guard down.
In an effort to look good, she may keep it all together during the week, only to numb it all out with drugs or alcohol on weekends. Or she may resort to cutting or other forms of self-harm to release the accumulated pressure she feels from keeping up the facade.
Perhaps she is a suburban mom who can’t pull herself away from the shopping channel or Chardonnay, her only escape from the relentless tedium of making her life and family look better than it is.
Keeping up the facade is exhausting and never-ending.
The “good daughter” may not know how to fail in small ways and bounce back. There is no middle ground. Her so-called successes are both a pedestal and a prison.
Paradoxically, her discontent holds the breadcrumbs to a way back to self. Her unhappiness holds the impetus to unearth the full range of feelings. The stifled anger, at last given voice, can free her from the shackles of living inside of a false self.
The fake smile, the protective mask, the relentless pursuit of perfection crushes the little girl inside who is trying to be good for her narcissistically defended mom instead of being real for herself. Because being real isn’t and wasn’t good enough for mom.
She must look good and make sure everyone is okay with her. No one told her that this is an impossible task. Or that happiness, even her own, is an inside job.
As a result of trying, she may feel overwhelming shame, guilt, and self-doubt. These oppressive feelings threaten to bury her alive.
She needs to hear that her buried self is still there, waiting to be reclaimed and brought back to life.
Paradoxically, her discontent holds the breadcrumbs to a way back to self. Her unhappiness holds the impetus to unearth the full range of feelings. The stifled anger, at last given voice, can free her from the shackles of living inside of a false self.
Plugging back into the current of her true range of feelings—not merely the “nice” ones—can energize her passion and creativity. With that energy, she may finally be able to shake off the shame, claim her true feelings, and find her way back home—to her essential self.
Note: The generalizations above may not apply to all dynamics in a family affected by parental narcissism. Also, although this article refers specifically to a mother and daughter for the purpose of narrative cohesion, any gender combination of parent and child can be similarly touched by narcissism.
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