There is a difference between the unhealthful experience of isolation from the healthful and necessary experience of occasional solitude. Having time alone is an important part element of emotional maturity; we need alone time to sort through our thoughts, distress from a busy day, and, in demanding world of seven billion people, restore a connection with our own needs, goals, beliefs, values and feelings. Solitude becomes isolation when (unless joining a monastery or similar spiritual group):

• We avoid people for an extended period (more than a day or two)
• We avoid people out of fear or depression
• We avoid people out of fear of being abandoned, or out of a sense of shame or low self-worth
• We avoid people to the detriment of our important social or professional relationships
• We don’t feel better by spending time alone, or if we do, it is only that our anxiety about being around people is quelled

Why Do People Emotional Isolate?

Emotional isolation, which may include or result in social isolation, usually involves emotional withdrawal from other people, meaning we keep our feelings to ourselves completely, we are unable to receive emotional support from others, we “shut down” or feel numb, and we cannot or do not communicate with others, except perhaps for the most superficial matters (for example: “close the door, shut the light an leave me alone”).

Why Do People Socially Isolate?

Social isolation is an actual physical isolation from other people, or the lack of close friends generally. Socially isolating oneself can mean staying home for days, not talking with friends or acquaintances, and generally avoiding contact with other people. It can also mean that, even if contact with other occurs, it is superficial and brief, while more meaningful, extended relationships, and especially close intimacy, is missing. Social isolation is potentially both a cause and a symptom of emotional or psychological challenges. For example, feeling depressed, inadequate, or anxious can lead us to isolate; isolation can then increase feelings of loneliness and depression, fear of other people, or a negative self-image. Relationships are necessary for our well-being, but they also may trigger our negative feelings and thoughts. Breaking a cycle of isolation is a difficult but necessary part of recovery from emotional distress.

Isolation in Marriage and Relationships

Feelings of isolation in marriages and other intimate relationships can lead to problems that create distance between partners. Close bonds can become stretched thin in relationships as a result of infidelity, addiction, dishonesty, abuse or other negative behaviors. All of these situations can cause one partner to feel alone within the confines of a relationship that is designed to be encouraging and fulfilling. Learning the origin of the emotional isolation is the first step in addressing the problem. From there, couples can begin to develop tools to overcome their fears and work together as a team to transform dysfunctional behaviors into more positive, healthy actions that support and fortify the relationship. 

How Can Therapy Help Isolation?

Therapy can help deal with the emotional and psychological issues that can lead to isolating behaviors. It is important to note that sometimes, both kinds of isolation may not be a choice; that is, people may be socially or emotionally isolated even though they report wanting to have friends, wanting to engage emotionally, and wanting to have a support network, but for some reason are unable to make those connections – perhaps because they do not know how, have a pattern of dysfunctional relationships that cause people to separate from them, or are simply too afraid or anxious to form new relationships. In such cases, a therapist can help learn social skills, uncover the causes of dysfunction in relationships, and support a person emotionally as he or she builds a support network.

How Does the Medical Model View Isolation?

Isolation is not a diagnosis, but it is a frequent indicator of depression. People with social anxiety or agoraphobia, by definition, isolate themselves. Also, people with certain personality disorders, such as schizoid personality, and people with autism, may have no desire to form social relationships. Other personality disorders – narcissism, borderline personality, and antisocial personality – may lead to isolation, not necessarily by choice, but because these disorders impair social skills, potentially leading other people to isolate from the person with the disorder. Narcissists may also think themselves better than other people and refuse to form relationships with anyone not up to their distorted standards.

Fear of Abandonment and Isolation - Case Example

Tina, 24, finds herself “alone in the world”. She reports that “people like me,” but says she has nothing in common with anyone. She admits to depression. She is lonely and comforts herself with television and her several pet cats. The therapist helps her uncover deep fears of abandonment, which Tina can trace to her childhood. Through therapy, and a support group recommended by her therapist, Tina is able to manage her considerable anxiety about meeting new people, and beings to form a few close friendships with other women, which form a foundation for a social support network that in turn provides the comfort and security she needs to continue building new relationships.

Feelings of Superiority and Isolation - Case Example

Tim, 37, finds it very hard to keep a friendship going for more than a few months. He reports that at first, he gets along very well with other people, and that at work he is “the star of the office,” but that eventually his friends stop calling him and don’t return his calls, and he doesn’t know why. The therapist encourages Tim to talk about the most important relationships he has lost, and together they discover that, in fact, his former friends have communicated to him their reasons for ending their relationship. The therapist helps Tim begin to uncover some distorted beliefs about himself; specifically, Tim considers himself smarter, and generally more important than other people, and has little concern for them. Under this, therapy reveals a deep sense of shame which Tim masks through his narcissistic beliefs and behaviors. Tim is able to recognize how badly he really feels about himself, and begins to develop empathy – for himself, and then for others – which helps him start on the road to more healthful self-image and relationships.

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Last updated: 05-14-2013