Emotional Abuse

Overview of Emotional Abuse: Emotional abuse in a relationship can be a factor in depression and anxiety, and may lead to or be accompanied by physical abuse. How is emotional abuse defined, and how is it distinguished from the relatively normal phenomenon of angry words, arguing, occasional yelling, and even insults or other words later regretted? Are they the same thing?

The reality is that emotional abuse is not a clearly defined term, and ultimately, except in severe cases, its recognition may be a judgment call.  Abuse is often defines as any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, or manipulation. Emotional abuse, then, can include anything from verbal insults or threats to put-downs to constant criticism or more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.

This definition makes it clear that emotional abuse may be difficult to identify. If my partner is hard to please, is she abusing me? Maybe she’s just in a bad mood, or even depressed. Maybe it’s my fault I can’t please her! How do I know if I’m being abused – or if I am an abuser?

A few indicators of emotional abuse might include the following:

• The behavior in question doesn’t stop or even pause when the recipient begins crying or asks for time to cool down. In fact, abuse may escalate as the abused person becomes more and more vulnerable, demeaned, afraid, and upset
• The behavior is frequent – several times a week or month, as opposed to very rare (once every few years, for instance.)
• Vulgar language, completely baseless accusations
• Insulting or demeaning words in front of other people
• “Arguments” are very one-sided; one person does all the talking, never listening, and is not kind to the other.
• Threats of violence
• Blatant cruelty
• The abuser does not apologize
• The abuser will not recognize the validity of anything his or her partner says
• The presence of other forms of abuse – sexual or physical

It is important to note that behavior may be abusive even if none of these factors are present. However, if any of these factors ARE present on more than the rarest of occasions, emotional abuse is probably taking place.

It is also important to know that in some relationships, both people are emotionally abusive to the other, while sometimes the abuse goes mainly one way. Abuse also may wax and wane, being more frequent or intense at some times (perhaps during periods of increased stress) and less so at during other periods.

The Medical Model and Emotional Abuse: Associated diagnoses might include depression (for both the abuser and the abused) intermittent explosive disorder (for the abuser, if violent behavior occurs), and certain personality disorders, particularly a couple where the abuser is narcissistic or anti-social and the abused person is dependent.

Case Examples of Emotional Abuse:

Sandy, 24, enters therapy in a state of despair over her relationship with her boyfriend. She reports “we fight all the time,” and expresses confusion about “whose fault it is”. Sandy wants her boyfriend to come for a joint session, but he blames Sandy for their troubles and says she’s “the one who needs help”. He does agree that he will come if the therapist recommends it, but only with the understanding that it is Sandy’s therapy because she’s “the one with the problem,” according to him. Sandy asks the therapist to recommend couples’ sessions. The therapist asks a few questions about their fights, and discovers that Sandy’s boyfriend has been calling Sandy demeaning names, threatening to put her “out on the street,” and disappearing for days without telling her his whereabouts. The therapist identifies these behaviors as emotional abuse, and informs Sandy that couples’ sessions would not be appropriate. Instead, he recommends Sandy continue in individual therapy, where she can work on improving her self-esteem, and make a plan for asserting her needs in the relationship, or leaving if the abuse continues.

Dave, 42, and his wife, Julie, 40, come in together for marriage counseling. They immediately begin criticizing one another, blaming each other for the troubles in their relationship, and arguing loudly. Both partners insult each other, and neither gives any ground. The therapist sets ground rules for their sessions, teaching them some new communication techniques and stopping them any time they begin to yell. After several weeks, they begin to express deep emotional fears and wounds that cause them both to fear abandonment. This process brings them closer together, and helps them to begin working through their disagreements without abusive language.

Therapy for Emotional Abuse: There is a wide range of Psychotherapy Treatment Models or types of therapy used in the treatment of emotional abuse. Most of these approaches fall into three historic camps of psychology: Psychoanalytic / Psychodynamic approaches; Behaviorism and; Humanism. Regardless of the type of therapy, there are some generally agreed upon elements of healthy therapy which are universal to all forms of psychotherapy. Before beginning therapy for emotional abuse or any other issue, it is helpful to familiarize oneself with these elements.

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Emotional Abuse Article Summaries