Overview of Abuse / Abuse Survivor Issues: Living through a period of physical, sexual, or severe emotional abuse can leave psychic wounds that are harder to heal than almost any bodily injury. Whether the abuse was inflicted as a child or an adult, survivors often struggle to move on and lead happy, peaceful lives. Therapy is a proven aid in understanding, expressing, integrating, and letting go, of the pain and confusion that may stem from abusive experiences. Intense, often negative feelings are not uncommon, and survivors should understand that having difficulty coping with upsetting memories, blocks to intimacy, anxiety, and other remnants of abuse is fairly typical, and can be worked through, in time, with good therapy. Survivors of abuse may manage and express their experiences and feelings in a variety of ways:
• Anxiety: Survivors may be afraid of people or situations that remind them of their abusers. They may be sacred to be alone or of the dark, scared of strange men, fearful in sexual situations, or intensely triggered by anger. Disrupted sleep, compulsive behaviors, panic attacks, and other indications of anxiety are somewhat common in survivors of abuse.
• Anger: Survivors may feel great anger at their abusers, at anyone who knew of the abuse but did not stop it, at people who remind them of the abuser, and even at themselves for being abused (sometimes believing they could or should have stopped it.) Anger is not an inappropriate response to being abused; dealing with anger in a constructive way is a good goal for an abuse survivor in therapy.
• Dissociation: Survivors may find themselves numb, or experiencing a feeling like “being out of one’s body,” floating above oneself, and even forgetting where or who one is. These experienced may have begun while the abuse was occurring, as a way for the survivor to avoid the intense pain and fear that can be caused by abuse.
• Mood Issues: Depression and/or mood swings is a somewhat common response to abuse.
• Post Traumatic Stress: Survivors may find themselves having nightmares or otherwise reliving their abuse. They may avoid situations that remind them of the abuse.
• Shame: Survivors often feel guilty or ashamed about their abuse, as if they deserved it, brought it on themselves, or should have been able to stop it. Examining and challenging such beliefs is an important part of therapy for survivors.
• Self-Destructive Behavior: Survivors may cope with conflicting feelings by self-medicating. They may act out their abusive situations compulsively, finding themselves again and again in similar relationships. The may avoid success and sabotage themselves, revealing deeply wounded self-esteem and difficulty caring for themselves. Survivors of sexual abuse sometimes allow their hygiene and health to deteriorate, perhaps unconsciously believing that this will make them less attractive to perpetrators.
• Trust Issues: Survivors may have great difficulty trusting others, especially in intimate situations, even if the survivors recognize that a certain person deserves trust and that the survivor’s mistrust is not entirely rational. A positive relationship with a therapist can go a long way to reversing this stance.
Memories of abuse may be repressed, so that the survivor does not have any conscious memory of the abuse. However, this is actually quite rare, and everyone should be cautious about concluding that abuse occurred in the absence of clear memories of the survivor. Not all of the above difficulties come from being abused – and abuse does not always lead to significant emotional or psychological problems.
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM): The medical model recognizes several syndromes that often stem from abuse, particularly Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Dissociative Disorders.
Case Examples of Abuse:
Patricia, 45, seeks therapy because she is in her first sexual relationship after more than two decades of avoiding intimacy. As a teenager, she was sexually abused by a male relative and feels great anxiety and anger whenever a man shows sexual desire for her. She has recently met a man who seems safe and compatible, but does not trust her judgment. She is also very triggered, almost to the point of having panic attacks, anytime they initiate physical intimacy. Learning relaxation skills, exploring ways to take care of herself and stay physically and emotionally safe, and achieving some catharsis of her grief and anxiety allows her not to escape her fears and triggers, but to be able to move forward in the relationship in the presence of such triggers, and eventually she develops a deeper level of trust not just with her partner, but with human beings in general--although anxiety remains an issue for her for many years, diminishing slowly in stops and starts.
David, 27, was physically and emotionally abused by his parents as a boy, and feels great anger and shame. He has a need to understand why this happened to him, and cannot shake the sense that he must have deserved it. Cognitive behavioral work helps David to reality check his beliefs, and he begins to see his parents as the imperfect people they really are. This allows him some way to forgive himself, greatly improving his mood and self-image.
Julie, 32, has been in and out of several abusive relationships with men over the last decade. She recognizes the pattern but continues to forgive abusive behaviors by her partners and blame herself for their actions. Therapy helps her see how her abusers are like her father, and this insight alone improves her ability to set boundaries. The support of her therapist, over about a year, helps Julie to accept her own needs as legitimate and begin advocating for herself with her partners.
Devon, 12, was severely beaten by caretakers and has little ability to form attachments to adults. He picks on other children at school and has been shuffled around the foster care system. His current caretakers want to adopt him, but only if they can find a way to manage his behaviors and win his trust. Family systems work begins to alter the dynamics of the family’s interactions, and after many years of intense and difficult sessions, Devon is able to feel that he is safe.
Therapy for Abuse: There is a wide range of Psychotherapy Treatment Models or types of therapy used in the treatment of abuse. Most of these approaches fall into three historic camps of psychology: Psychoanalytic / Psychodynamic approaches; Behaviorism and; Humanism. Regardless of the type of therapy, there are some generally agreed upon elements of "good therapy" which are universal to all forms of psychotherapy. Before beginning therapy for abuse issues or any other issue, it is helpful to familiarize oneself with these elements.
Books Related to Abuse / Survivors of Abuse:
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hello, I've been purposfully using dissociation to help myself, to get distance on the emotion and control it. Well I was wondering if this is not known to be harmful because I often feel like parts of myself are not turned on or something, memories are blocked, capacities are blocked, and I sometimes look back on things that I have done not entirely recognising myself (it's never awful , things like acting a bit funny or just feeling weird confusion, I do feel puzzled about them). I know that there could be many causes to this but I'm just curious if the dissociation that I'm doing is something that I shouldn't be doing (I'm stopping for now). Could you send me thos grounding tips by the way? Thanks for the article,
Nice article, please send me the grounding tips!!!
Thank you for the fascinating blog. This article was very interesting. Could you send me the list of grounding techniques? Thanks again!
I think I may be experiencing a bit of dissociation, but I've not been abused in anyway in my past. My mother was paralyzed when I was 4 and only have memories of her in a wheelchair. but this sudden feeling like I'm somehow disconnected from things happened in the turmoil of trying to discerne feelings for a girlfriend and our eventual separation because of this uncertainty. All of this doubt came over me and kept me up all night, and as I tried to discuss my hesitations with her, she became very emotional and I feel like I went into panic mode, where I was just stressing over hurting her and the possible end of the relationship. I began to have feelings like I am completely aware of my surroundings but its like I dont care, or that I dont have a full presence in the moment. I've not been sleeping for almost 2 months with out medication. I've been working with a counselor and psychiatrist, and only recently did this notion of dissociation come up. I've always been very happy go lucky, motivated, sociable, and now I feel reclusive and 'intimidated' by people who are going about life per normal. its even weird for me to be writing this, because I know how odd it sounds. ANY HELP???!!!
please send me ur free grounding tips cards.
Please send me ur free grounding tip cards, thanks :)
It seems like a long leap from understanding that the two hemispheres of our brain control logic and emotion to using a nervous system based therapy to cure an addiction (or at least manage it). Are there any peer reviewed journals that support this therapy? I saw that the therapy is evidenced based, but I'd like to read more about the evidence.
Generally speaking, how long does a client undergo this sort of therapy before seeing results? Are the results more promising than they are in traditional 12 step programs? I really like the idea of discovering what the unconscious mind is trying to hide. I believe that addictions serve the purpose of distracting people from dealing with issues that are underlying and usually painful. So, I really like the wolf in sheep's clothing imagery.
Comparing an addiction to a wolf in sheep's clothing is indeed a brilliant connection. A wolf can devour a sheep, so disguising itself as something it wants to devour is particularly poignant in this analogy. The wolf of our addictions is a powerful force to be reckoned with. When something is hidden from immediate view, it's hard to see it. But, when you add being under the influence of an addictive substance to the mix, it can downright impossible. I wonder if participating in a 12-step program first, followed with this type of therapy would be successful. Has this been tried?
Because the wolf of the addiction doesn't want to be seen, it is indeed very crafty. I, too, have a hard time imagining a person under the influence of drugs, etc. as being able to participate in this type of therapy. However, I do really like the fact that this therapy is getting some recognition. As we all are very well aware, 12 step programs are not always successful. Having another weapon in our arsenal while fighting addiction is both promising and exciting. I hope that as we move forward, even more non traditional therapies will emerge and be tried. Managing an addiction certainly is not "one size fits all." So, the more we have to work with, the higher our chances for a successful outcome.
I haven't been back to the site for a while, and was so excited to see your comments. Great questions and feedback; I truly appreciate it. Your comments made me want to add some things as well! Though trauma or the "wolf" can help drive the underly the addiction, both must be examined quite closely. I believe, as Art indicated, that therapy for trauma, such as EMDR, must be must be well timed when working with addiction. One cannot do any kind of trauma work, EMDR or otherwise, unless one is stable enough to do it. I also think that whether it is 12 step, or not, the education about addiction, and skills/support must be in place first. Trauma work, itself, can be so triggering, that clients should be well prepared and supported, before even doing it, especially if they have used substances as their coping skills. Great question Lyle, yes, EMDR is researched based, and every expanding in areas that it is used. There is even a "protocol" for substance abuse treatment. You can look at www.emdr.org for more information. Art, you asked about trying 12 step then EMDR for the trauma work. Yes, I use this a lot in my practice. I also coordinate with an intensive outpatient substance abuse program. Their clients will do the substance abuse treatment, a three month 3x a week outpatient program. When it is complete, they will then do their trauma work with me. Again, as Amy says, there is not "one size fits all," but for some clients, it helps them "get to" the underlying traumas that drove their substance use.
Some of this information is quite fascinating. No really all of it is. It just emphasizes even more the need for sex ed classes for information to kids thinking of having children and providing resources for parents across every income level to make sure that the needs of mother and child are always met.
Steve, Thank you. I am hopeful that this article will help people understand the pervasive and lingering effects of chronic early maltreatment within a caregiving relationship (aka complex trauma) on brain function and how this causes problems for later development. This, of course, leads to certain implications regarding treatment. In some empirical research I've done I've found that Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy is an effective treatment for such children, while "usual care" was found to be ineffective. See, for example, Becker-Weidman, A., & Hughes, D., (2008)“Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy: An evidence-based treatment for children with complex trauma and disorders of attachment,” Child & Adolescent Social Work, 13, pp.329-337.
It is an article such as this that should serve to remind us all how things can become continuous cycles of poor behavior until someone in a family is able to break the pattern and therefore break the unhealthy patterns that reside therein. I am so dismayed to read about innocent children that it seesm do not stand a chance due to the abusive relationships that they have had while growing up and this seems so unfair! They did not ask to be treated this way and to be brought into uncaring and unfit families. That is why I feel it is the responsibility of everyone to step in when we see cases such as this and madate that changes be made and that the abuse end so that these kids stand a fighting chance for a healthy survival and future.
A wonderful book that, on the other hand, shows the resiliency of children and how, even with the negative effects of early trauma on brain development and later behavior, is three Little Words: A memoir by Ashley Rhodes-Courter 2008. regards
This is a little off topic perhaps but a great message that I saw somewherethe other day was that children need models, not critics. This is so true. We need to pay more attention to how we treat the children of the world, in the womb and once they are here, because we really have no idea just how much we influence their lives through not just words but our actions too.
Dear AMH, your comment is not off topic at all. The idea that what we do is often more important than what we say is especially important in helping children with histories of complex trauma and disorders of attachment. Experience, in and of itself, can be quite therapeutic. In fact, that is one of the essential elements in Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy, which is an evidence-based treatment for such children with demonstrated effectiveness (see various professional peer-reviewed publications for details). Thanks for your comment
It still just baffles me that there are people out there who can treat children in this way.
Thank you so much for sharing this with the world. I find it most fascinating to learn. I am a thirty six year old woman who was horrendously abused for twenty years of my life by a drug addicted, alcohlic mother. She abuses me to this day, except I can now come and go as I please, being an adult. I have suffered, right back as far as I can recall from this, many times, wanting to take my own life to end the pain. It is sites such as this that help me understand more about what is going on inside my own mind and the reasons I do what I do. When I read that my behaviours and thought processes are not so unusual after all, it makes it that little bit more bearable. One day I will be free; that day is not far away, I am sure. In the meantime, thank you sincerely for all that you do in helping many others, including me, understand some of these issues so much more.
WBR, You are welcome. I'm glad that this helped. If you wanted to read more about Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy, you can look at Creating Capacity For Attachment, 2005, Wood N Barnes publishers.
WBR, I am so sorry to hear that this is something you have had to deal with in your life. I certainly am glad that being a part of this forum is helping you see that you are not alone and that what you are feeling is normal in your situation. I hope that one day you will be free of your past abuse and feel hope when you look toward your future. Blessings.
I too was abused as a child by a family member and I cannot tell you how emotionally draining the whole experience has been for me over the years. There have been others in my family who have refused to talk to me because I had the need to get everything out in the open and to start anew with a clean slate. It has taken me years to deal with my past and I still do every day but there is something so great about just getting it all out in the open and choosing to live life for the present and not in the past.
You are both brave. Resolving trauma requires that the trauma be revisited and integrated into a coherent sense of self. This can be difficult and painful, and is necessary to resolve trauma. regards
Isn't it sad that there are still people who abuse their children because of their own issues with anger? Either they do not know what kind of lasting damage they can do to a child or they do not care.
Doyle, It is quite sad and also quite true. There is an "inter-generational" dimension to child abuse. Mary Main and others have written extensively about how this is communicated via the attachment relationship and how it perpetuates the cycle of violence. I tend to think of it this way. What is means to be a woman, mother, spouse...man, father, spouse is learned by observing, experiencing, and relating to the models ones grows up with. How can we expect someone to act differently if their only experience is with abuse...that is the model in their head...the model of relationships that they then enact. Good treatment, such as Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy, acts to change these internal working models (Bowlby) through the intersubjective sharing of experience and the creation of new and reparative experiences (See Becker-Weidman, A., & Shell, D., Creating Capacity for Attachment (2005), Wood N Barnes, Oklahoma City, OK for details on this treatment). regards art
I'm completing some research work on the effects of child abuse/neglect on development, particularly educational achievement (this is for a master's class, but I currently work in child protection)... for reference, do you have any additional works or studies you could recommend regarding this specific subject (education)?
There are several ways you could find resources. Two books that may be helpful are Attachment in The Classroom by H. Geddes Inside I'm Hurting by Bombier both books are published by Worth Publishing, 2007. alternatively, you can go to your reference librarian and find the reference that lists articles that cite articles of interest. So, for example, if there is one particular article I cite in my material you found helpful, look to see what other more recent articles cite that one. You could also just brouse the current issues of journals that seem in the right area. I hope this helps. regards Art
Thanks so much for this article. It is well needed. so many people go through abuse whether it be substance, verbal or physical. I believe that verbal is just as bad as physical because it is implanted in a child's memory and once they get older, they recall back on this if something triggers it. It is sad to see children go through any kind of abuse and the abusers really need to get help on controlling this.
Dear Wendy, You are welcome. In addition, neglect can be as damaging as physical abuse. The effects can be quite insidious: low self-esteem, problems with behavioral and emotional regulation, attachment, biology, etc. On the other hand, it is sometimes amazing how resilient some children are; that can be heartening. I also find it encouraging that there is an effective treatment for children who have experienced chronic early maltreatment within a caregiving relationship; Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy being an evidence-based approach for this. regards Art
I am a female, 62 years old. When I was born, I only weighed 2.5 pounds. This was a very small midwest town. Back then, babies that small just did not survive. I was put in an incubator, and someone had to manually pump on a tiny bellows placed in my mouth, to breathe for me, s my lungs did not work. Other than that, and for feedings, no onw ws allowed to see me or touch me or look at me. I was in that incybator for three months. I have memories of it. Then, I went home. I was raised in a horribly abusive household, abused sexually, vebally, physically, by both parents. I was raped when I was five, and my mother yelled at me and blamed me for it. Since this was an army post, I had to testify in a court martial. No support ot emotional empathy from anyone. I was just a terrified and forlorn neglected five year old waif. I also have deeply imbedded memeories of these events. I have been in therapy continously for most of my adult life. I am permanently disabled with PTSD. Dr. Balswim's traum pages have been very enlightening. His specialty is PTSD, but he also has a subspeciality about PTSD in infants, and the kind of neglect I suffered at birth predisposes children to PTSD, especially when it is then compounded by being raised in a hostile environment. I have scars on my body from where my dad used to beat me with his army belt, buckle first. My mother used her fists and broom handle, and kicked us as we lay on the floor. When my father was beating me, I had to be nude, and my mother stood in the corner and laughed.
I am so glad to see a school district taking the initiative here in this vital area of concern. As a teenager in my first serious relationship I allowed myself to be used and abused as they say and it has scarred the way I felt about myself in subsequent relationships for a very long time. My then boyfriend would be so nice and sweet to me when around other people but the moment we were alone he would accuse me of flirting with others, tell me how fat and ugly I was, and how no one else would ever want me but him. It was so bad that eventually I came to believe that everything that he said was true. Luckily my parents finally saw what was going on and helped me to see that breaking away from him was exactly what I needed to do but I cannot tell you still how difficult that was even after all of the terrible ways that he made me feel about myself. Teachers and schools are wonderful providers and reinforcers of education which lets young males and females both know that this type of behavior is wrong and that no one has to stay in a relationship like this.
This is so great of Between Friends in Chicago.. I just wished more schools and organizations would offer this.
I really hope a lot of students take up on this course. Teens as well as young adults need to know the signs and get help as soon as they feel like they are falling into this type of relationship. I commend this group for giving the teens this program.
In view of the recent events between superstars Rhianna and Chris Brown I think it is about time that schools finally stepped up to the plate and began educating teens about the dangers of relationship abuse and the many forms it can take. Of course that has to be reinforced at home but this definitely helps.
I'm with Robin... We must first begin at home teaching our kids, even while they are still young, what is wrong and what is right. And if the kids sees this kind of behavior at home, 9 times out of 10, they will copy this when they get older. We as parents must teach our children the right way.
It will be nice to see if teen pregnancy numbers go down as a result of these classes too. Maybe traditional sex education classes do not work so well anymore but perhaps teaching young girls that they have the power to stand up for themselves in relationships will help to strengthen many more of them on an emotional level and they will find it easier to say no to premarital sex and in turn do themselves and society a great service by not bringing any more unwanted children into the world. It is always so sad to see such bright and promising young teens throw their lives away for the sake of making someone happy and saying yes to sex when emotionally and physically, not to mention financially, thay are nowhere near ready to deal with the ramifications of the their decisions. I hope that these relationship ed classes can delve into some of this and help stem the growing numbers of teen pregnancy too.
What about those parents who see no need for relationship education in the schools? Is this going to be something like sex ed where they can opt out if they do not agree with what is being taught?
That would be very sad if parents did not allow their children to participate in programs like these because they can do so much good. Not allowing them to be a part of this is going to cause a lot more harm than learning about the realities of life ever could. So many parents today are very closed minded and think that they can shelter their kids forever but you just can't. You have to let them in on the possibilities that they will face in life and some positive ways for dealing with bad situations when they arise.
This program would be wonderful for teens and young adults, especially if the parent feels uncomfortable talking to their kids about safe sex.
There seems to be a lot of parents who just don't feel right or comfortable talking to their kids about sex and abuse. We as parents need to try to find a way to talk to our kids so we can at least try to prevent our kids being hurt by someone, like Robin had mentioned, like the Chris Brown and Rihanna deal.
It's nice to think that a client contributes to the therapist's self discovery too. I have a distinct memory of being neglected. In all my childhood memories of family get togethers I used to be the only lonely one in a crowd and noone seemed to notice that I was always left out. After a while I thought that's how it normally is.
Too many times I think that people dismiss just how much of an impact the way that you raise a child can impact their later years. This type of research shows once again how important those formative years are.
I think we take ourselves too seriously in adulthood and that mars our perception of the child's feelings at that point. We get callous with our words, feelings and actions as we age. We get more self-centered and that is probably why we dont put a check on ourselves before we react. Neglecting a child is the cruelest thing anyone can do.
I am married to the "strong silent type" and I can't tell you how crazy this makes me sometimes! He was not neglected as a child but I swear there are times when it feels like due to this personality characteristic of his that he is neglecting me and the kids. I do not want my own children to grow up with these issues, and since they are boys I do not want them thinking that this is the approach that they need to take with their own families one day. How do I break that cycle and turn it into something positive? Believe me the silent brooding probably did a lot to attract me to my husband in the beginning but now it really repels me.
Oh I am married to a "strong silent type" too. It's funny how we cant stand what we were attracted to the most after we tie the knot. My husband is stubborn too and sometimes he can cut like a knife in an argument. I think every married couple disagrees but to be bitter and brutal in verbal conflict almost as if the partner is an enemy is something noone deserves. I found my son has started copying our yelling patterns when he is angry. Even the same words. I feel like I am stone walling and that makes me want to state my point a little more.
Why is it that people like this cant understand pure love? I am in a stable relationship but I always have this question about how deep my spouse's love is? It is sad to break everything down practically. Sometimes it's nice just to know how much the care quotient is.
I dont know if some people just like to stay private in order not to visit that dreadful past that they were well acquainted with.
I think my spouse is the strong silent type, never cries, and he thinks he is always right. He is very good to me, and would do anything for me,but sometimes I feel as if I am the child. He is 6 years older than me. I think he had a good childhood life as well. Me, I can barely remember mine. I do know that my younger sister got all the attention from friends and people at school and I felt like the ugly duckling, even tho now, I know I wasn't. Back then, teenagers had their own ideas who was the pretties or whatever. This does take a toll on a child when you get older.
I think we neglect children without really meaning to or realizing it. My son stays in his room all the time playing on the computer or listening to music and comes out just to see what we are doing, or to watch a movie every now and then. He is content and happy doing what he is doing, but I have realized that both my husband and I need to get our son out of the house more often or just spend more quality time together whether playing games or something else.
I appreciate that you've read the posting on Neglect and have provided your comments. A couple of resources come to mind. 1) Alan Schore: The Psychobiology of Affect Regulation (it's a classic), 2) Cassidy (ed): Attachment, 3) Terry Real: I Don't Know How To Get Through To You, 4) --& Dawson: Growing Up Again. Also, you are welcome to contact me through my website email drdt@redmondtherapy.com
Thanks for that information, Dennis. The resources sounds like something I would love to check out. As like a lot of people, I see a lot of neglect and the parents don't even notice it, and I am sure I have face the same thing when i was younger.
To Nadine.. I don't think you are really neglecting your son. He is happy doing what he is doing it sounds like. I would want my child to be happy doing what he likes instead of forcing him to do something he doesn't. You can always spend time together whether going out to eat, renting a movie he likes and you all watch it together, etc..
I do believe that the way you were treated or neglected as a child runs into your adult life when you get older. Consciously or unconsciously, it does impact on how we bring up our kids.
I hate to see anyone neglected, young or adult. It's no wonder that children seek attention elsewhere, whether it be positive or negative, just to get what they had been deprived of. We really need to show our children (and our loved ones) the love they deserve.
I'm sure there are many reasons why there are silent types. Some may not want to be judged because they may think their stupid, hence neglect from their childhood, some may had some bad experiences in their past. I can see why many of these adults are "quiet types" and if we can just try to understand where this stems from, maybe they can open up to a select few of people they trust.
I never gave it a thought that rape could stem from early childhood even down to the mother. This was an eye opener and hope that as hard as it may be, that women as well as men, stand up and not let the rapist take control. We need to report such things and not let fear control us.
I agree that we need to heal our childhood wounds if this is where all the rape and abuse is coming from is from the past. And for the Rapist, they really need therapy and I'm not sure if that would help them unless they wanted help, but eventually I wonder if they will fall back to who they are.
I am utterly shocked that laws like these can still be passed in today's society! Doesn't anyone value the sanctity of what a real and loving relationship is supposed to be about? Why are more people not outraged that women in so many parts of the world continue to be treated as possessions instead of people with feelings? This is one of the few things I have ever read that has really propelled me to take action but I am getitng on the phone bwith my US congressmen and senators offices today to protest and demand that complaints be filed immediately. It may not do any good but if more people do this then hopefully the country can say loud and clear that we will not support this and that the rest of the world cannot either.
You go Ina! I applaud Ina for voicing her feelings and she's right, we all need to do at least something to fight back at this.
Not to dismiss what anyone does but there is going to have to be a rethinking of international values to make a big difference. There are those out there who are afraid with good reason to rock the boat. That does not mean that i think that we have to stand by and do nothing it just means that we have to realistic about our expecatations and what we aim to accomplish.
And Afghanistan is a country we still support? You have to be kidding me.
How do we know what countries and policies are backed by the U.S govt.? Isnt there anything we can do to raise our voice as citizens of this country? Although violence is wrong I do remember reading this as a famous quote of the father of non-violence, Mahatma Gandhi. He says,"Women, use the weapons you are born with. Use your nails, teeth and strength to prevent violation of yourself."
I thought mental health WAS wellness. If someone is not doing well mentally they will MOST likely have an UNWELL AFFECT...no? Who are we fooling here?
Maybe this is a perfect way to show the correlation with how much of an impact mental health plays on overall wellness?
Did not mean to step on any toes here. I simply meant the way that mental and physical health are interrelated. I think that for most of us there is still that distinction, whether that is right or wrong.And it is quite obvious that these two play a major impact upon one another.
This is a nice article, well put. We have a lot of healing to do as Americans and as a global society. We really do seem to suppress and push away our pain when we really should come to terms with our pain. It may be the only way to fully heal.
healing doesnt come easily. Many times we scratch the wound and it festers again. This would be quite a difficult exercise for Americans. A lot of fear of the unknown exists. This fear complicates the healing process.
When we are unable to look the past in the eye that it is when it is doomed to repeat itself, in our own personal lives and for our country. This is a teriffic reminder of the things that we not only need to do on a personal level but as a global community to get ourselves and the world back on track.
Thank you to all of you so much, for both your appreciation of my article, and for sharing your insights about the importance of facing and healing our feelings. It’s always so encouraging to hear from others who understand the need for us to truly feel and heal our feelings, rather than trying to get around them, over them, past them… There is much fear, yes…but the fear is also most often enmeshed in our past wounding, and can (and must) be healed, so we can face the unknown in ourselves. And healing doesn’t come easy…but it is so important for ourselves, those around us, and our world.
When you experience abuse as a child you do develop self hatred and when you live with that for so many years, yeah, I am sure that does get disheartening and can cause you to go into a state of clinical depression. You have grown up thinking all of the most terrible things about yourself and finally the psyche can take no more of the abuse that you have been piling upon yourself.
That shows the old saying, stick and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me, is a lie. I always knew it was. Thanks Roni.
I have read in many places that persons who have experienced trauma as children undergo depression for a prolonged period of time, sometimes extending into their adulthood as well. This is a very sad fact, and we should try to understand their problems and help them get out of their depression that may eventually cost them dear.
I was quoting Beverly Ogilvie's book: "Mother Daughter Incest: A guide for Helping Professionals". I didn't use footnotes because this was originally a blog on my website, not a formal presentation. Please let me know if there is anything else I can clarify for you.
Please note that the first paragraph of this article was not fully printed. The last sentence of the paragraph should continue after the words "clinical depression," with the following: but that most adults with prolonged depression have suffered some form of childhood abuse. An article in Psychology Today published in 2003 stated that, “In almost every case of significant adult depression, some form of abuse was experienced in childhood, either physical, sexual, emotional or, often, a combination.”
What study are you referring to there Roni when you say that “Studies show that one in four girls and one in eight boys are sexually abused before the age of 18, and one in twenty children are physically abused each year.” Please cite your source. "Studies show" can mean anything.
It would take one heck of a resilient person to not let what happened in childhood follow them into life as an adult.
People are emotionally weak. Easily shake by trials and consequences in life. There are people who are professionally trained to talk to people who are in pain. They will really help lighten and ease the burden for you.
Not everybody who chooses to be a child abuser has had a horrific past. Some people get sadistic along the way. I basically think hauling parents to jail or the police station for a whack when its well deserved is as insane as someone beating a child incessantly. Children are also smart these days and hold parents to ransom courting the law. Taking time over child abuse cases is important. Justice has to be issued in a right manner not necessarily as a knee jerk reaction.
People treat others in the same way they were treated when they ere little and young. Any kind of negative behaviour with a child will almost certainly make him an abuser as well. It is a chain-reaction, and therefore has to be stopped immediately.
this was the most poignant and numbing article I have ever read. We are such a callous lot. Hum-drum becomes an excuse for insensitivity till trouble touches home ground.
I have known kids that have grown up to be lacking of confidence only because they were bullied as kids... this issue needs to be taken seriously by schools all over.
Are all wife bashers guys who have been abused or abused in school? I would like to know. I need help with my spouse.
I am a mother with a son who is a bully. We are the kind of people noone wants to know. I dont know what we have done wrong as neither my husband nor I are unstable or violent. Our son is seeing a counsellor and we are waiting for the day change will happen.
Being bullied is not a small thing for a kid,and can definitely have a part to play in shaping his/her perception towards people in general,and therefore his/her personality. Due to being bullied,the individual will carry negative thoughts in the mind and will eventually grow up to be an adult ridden with mental health problems.
My brother is an introvert but capable of flying into an uncontrollable rage at times. He is seeking help for this and his therapist told him it comes from years of being repressed while being bullied at school.
It is a well-known fact that the trauma suffered by war-veterans that went to war is far greater than those that didn't... so, in my opinion, there should be a special allowance to all those that went to war. Some of you may not agree with me, but then if the government does not take the responsibility of looking after them, then there is no way forward and our youth will no longer be interested in joining the armed forces...
I Feel patients are able to communicate and come out with secrets more easily when there are more people just like them, more suffers... If this is found to be true,it must be encouraged all over.
Learning from others helps a lot of people so maybe these vets will find a way to learn from others soldiers who have found themselves in the same types of situations.
Group therapy comes in many different shapes and sizes but I am convinced that it is for many demographics one of the best solutions available. There are many ways to approach group therapy but I find it to be very effective to have others experience a forum where they can not only listen to the stories of others but help them and themselves all at the same time. One on one does not have to be the only way to succeed.
Hmm...group therapy may help but only to an extent... am not too sure a group therapy session can actually satisfy the needs of every individual as every case will be unique and different...
Such people need to be taken care of by utilizing special Government grants that should be introduced for them in particular. This practice should be rolled out all over the country as soon as possible, as veterans are one of the most-neglected lot of the population.
Cutting Ties With Parents (1 Letter) NY Science Times p. 40 October 27 October 26, 2009 To the Editor: Re “When Parents Are Too Toxic to Tolerate” (Mind, Oct. 20): Parentectomy — that’s the word we used when I worked for child welfare services in New York City. Some parents mean to harm their kids, and in those rare instances, the children would be made healthier by lopping off the relationship as though it were a diseased body part, like an infected appendix. Children are powerless, but when grown up they are able to get rid of the parents who continue doing harm by ending the relationship. Sometimes bad parents are worse than no parents. Lynn Somerstein
I have to agree that verbal abuse is a major concern for many people, especially people who live or work with people that are short-tempered and will shout and abuse verbally quite often.
Yes, it is very true that a physical injury will heal with the right care but it is just not as easy with emotional abuse... the person that is abused is left battered and hurt and emotional abuse also screws up relationship between people and does not let it be the same ever again. People should learn to think before they speak because an arrow shot and a word said cannot be taken back...
Thank you for a great post. I have wondered from a parenting perspective whether emotional abuse is on the increase as a result of smacking being on the decrease? As you've written it is hard to classify emotional abuse so I have no idea how something like that can be researched. Thanks for a very informative article.
It does feel like an injustice that emotionally abusive people are not held accountable by our legal system in the same way that sexually and physically abusive people are. All we can do is draw clear boundaries and in that way ostracize people who exhibit that type of behavior. Unfortunately even then, sometimes the behavior is so subtle that even the direct recipient of the behavior doesn't initially recognize what is happening to them. All we can do is deal with each situation as it comes along.
my granddaughter is being sent to a Wilderness Program because of Emotional Abuse. She is fifteen. Therapist need to be more aware of emotional abuse
My wife was emotionally abused by her mother and step father throughout her childhood all the way till she left for college. Subsequent to that, they traumatized her with insults, so much so that she attempted suicide. She is a wonderful person and is very caring and giving. But the scars of her childhood have been very hard to get over. She has 2 other siblings that have had emotional breakdowns due to scars from their childhood. Yet there is no law enforcement that can hold their mother and step father accountable for the crimes they committed years ago because there is no proof.
Does not sound dramatic to me at all probably because i watched this happen to my sister for years and saw how much she was beaten bdown by this man, not physically but emotionally. He never hit her, but boy did his words and actions ever pack a punch. She will never again be the fun loving sister that I grew up with because of all of the hurt he caused, and for that I will never be able to forgive him.
Though not obvious and visible, mental harassment and torture is far more hurting and effective than physical injury... this fact needs to be put out to people as much as possible.
Unfortunately sometimes by the time the people who experience this kind of abuse recognize what is being done to them it is too late in the game to make any real changes. They will have a long road of recovery ahead of them once they are able to get out of the abusive situation.
I've witnessed this emotional abuse by a friend of mine against her stepson. He has developed some behavioral issues as a result. But my friend doesn't get the connection at all and always feels that her criticisms are warranted and needed for her stepson's own sake. It's very painful to watch and I've never felt able to do anything more than leave when she starts in on him. She just doesn't get it.
I wonder what it is that is really eating away at your friend and if you might be able to help her locate the source of her frustration?
This is an important, and well-written description of a condition which has probably affected everyone to one degree or another, but which is rarely named. I think it's particularly cautionary for parents to think about, as some of the posts have indicated. How often have you as a parent wondered how much criticism is helpful to your child (even when couched as "helpful advice" or for the kid's own good), or sometimes wish you could take back things you have said to your child. It's not that everyone is potentially an abuser -- I think the behavior must be more systematic and continued to be classified in that category. But it is interesting how much easier it is to notice another parent's picking on their child, than to pick up on your own behavior; it took some feedback from our kids when they got older to figure out some classic mistakes.
Thank you for sharing the most concise description of emotional abuse that I have read. You have perfectly described my life for the last 20 years. I kept believing (and he kept reminding me)that if I tried harder we would be happier. He kept telling me that I was too sensitive. I believed every word he told me because he was my husband and, go figure, he was supposed to love me and I was the one with the problem. I experienced clinical depression, an eating disorder and various other negative behavioral patterns. BUT, I take it all as God's tool of getting me out of a bad relationship and now I am pursuing my education. I just finished my undergraduate degree and recently started graduate school in pursuit of a Masters in Clinical Psychology. It's time to pay it forward. Thank you for your article.
It is certainly harder to recognize behavior that crosses over the line when it comes from within us so I admire Julia publicly taking a look at her own actions as a parent. I suspect we can all find those times when we wish we had done it differently - the important thing is that we take the time to look and figure out how we might do it differently next time. Thank you Julia for your comments.
And thank you. Good luck Dee Dee
Thank you for writing this on such a hidden topic that clients often don't recognize as abuse.
I'm surprised and shocked to say the least... I thought such cases were uncommon and few and only stray incidents occured, but the statistics speak for themselves... I agree with you that there is very little knowledge about this in the society, so the problem will surely take longer to get the spotlight and it will inturn lead to a longer time for such cases to come down and also to be reported as and when committed.
A very good read indeed...which, in my opinion, shows the way forward for survivors of abuse durin their childhood... It is surely a stage in life wherein a person is extremely vulnerable and is most probable to break down and have a lot of negative energy... the right company and help can surely tide them over this difficult stage in the lives of survivors.
This is a good guide for people who have had such a history and shows them a way forward to put that behind and look forward to a positive future.
Establishing safety can be problematic in impoverished situations. I work in a schools context where there sometimes is just no safe place for a child to go. Creating that inner safe space, regardless of circumstances, is a key to recovery.
It is not an easy task to just integrate into the real world for a person just out of such a traumatic situation...it takes a lot of time and if there is emotional support, that would be the best possible help for a person.
Before I reached out for help, I could have been in the safest place in the world! I did not understand what this stuff in my head was about or why I was so afraid. I new one thing Alcohol made it seem better! Today there are answers! Unfortunatly, there is still a lot of resistance and stigma in getting help! Becomming willing to get help is really the first step.
When you experience any kind of trauma it makes such an imprint that it can be very difficult to overcome without therapy and time. Some think that these are emotions and feelings that they can deal with on their own, but they have no realization just how deeply these kinds of things can stand to effect them even years after the trauma occurs. When in doubt the best idea is to always find someone that you can talk with and who can help you work through things. It might just even be a good friend or even your minister but there is nothing wrong with seeking help to work through these things and that is guaranteed to leave you healthier in the long run.
Its not like we can just hit the delete key and we forget things... everything that we go through in life is extremely difficult to forget and it is all the more difficult if the event has had a major effect on our lives...
Have to be careful not to imply abuse when assessing someone. False memories are easy to create! Yes! I beleive back in 1965 when I was attacked if I would have received appropriate care I would not suffered from the PTSD symptoms and later had to deal with chronic pain. There does need to be a push on educating people that it is OK to get help for hyper startle response and the hyper arrousal that is common in cases of adults who have been abused as children. Break through the fear and get the help you need!
Observing these findings from another angle: the presence of osteoarthritis may also provide a clue to doctors or therapists of possible child abuse that hasn't been revealed to them yet by the patient. Every little piece of the puzzle helps them make as accurate a diagnosis as possible and decide which path to tread. That's an interesting study.
Yet another example that the damage done by childhood abuse can go on and on and on, far beyond those young years. We need to be far more vigilant to protect children and to encourage victims to get help, regardless of their age.
It's horrible that kids continue to suffer in later life because of the actions of twisted individuals. It wasn't their fault and yet they keep paying the price. Why would it present itself in this manner? The mind-body relationship remains mysterious.
I wonder if early intervention in coming to terms with the trauma of childhood abuse makes a difference. Would therapy have prevented such a significant incidence of osteoarthritis being reported in the future? It doesn't clarify whether any of them had been counseled in the past.
This is a matter of real concern... health conditions need the victim to be emotionally and mentally strong, and this is very hard for a person who has been through abuse during his/her childhood. This means that such a person will have lesser chances of surviving such a condition.
I was just at a conferance where this topic was discussed. There is a significant relationship between PTSD and Chronic Pain. The hyper arrousal and the hyper vigilence states of being if untreated puts a heavy toll on the body! This is why it is so important to reach out for help and learn meditation, self hypnosis coremindfullness techniques and pratice them on a daily basis.
The relationship between mind and body is a very deep one, and any incident with one is bound to have a major effect on the other too... the effects need not be a direct one but the repercussions will be felt sooner than later.
Suffering abuse during childhood is just too much for a young mind to take... the child undergoes a tremendous amount of mental trauma and disturbance... and psychological problems are very likely to arise in such a person, and as seen by past studies, psychological problems can lead to bigger mental health problems and sometimes even physical health problems... its like a chain of events, all negative, arising from being abused.