http://www.goodtherapy.org/marriage-counseling-relationships-article.html Latest articles Fri, 13 Aug 2010 14:45:14 GMT en-us http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/couples-therapy-blame-contempt-0208125/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/couples-therapy-blame-contempt-0208125/ Wed, 8 Feb 2012 19:37:01 GMT This case description is the first in a two-part series on Pragmatic/Experiential Therapy for couples. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/price-for-being-perfect-child-0206125/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/price-for-being-perfect-child-0206125/ Mon, 6 Feb 2012 19:05:38 GMT Being considered a ?perfect child? by one?s parents feels fantastic. Basking in the glow from parents? approval and love can feel safe and special, like one is living in a magical world where everyone is happy and satisfied. These feelings are very seductive. The child is usually not aware that they pay a price in order to maintain the parents? continued extraordinary approval. That price is the giving up of one?s unique sense of self in order to comply and be the child and then the adult that the parents adore. Being kept on a pedestal distracts from being aware that one has wants and needs that are not defined by one?s loving parents. This interference with developing an individual self can result in difficult and/or empty relationships as one becomes an adult. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/emotionally-focused-couples-therapy-0203122/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/emotionally-focused-couples-therapy-0203122/ Fri, 3 Feb 2012 22:13:46 GMT Emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT) is an emotional approach used to help couples address problems within their relationships. Clinicians who deliver this type of therapy undergo intense training to be able to effectively use all of the components of the treatment in a productive way that maximizes treatment outcome. EFT training strives to increase a therapist?s ability to process emotions and identify and address attachment styles, and it enhances self-compassion. However, most clinicians report that their own personal development has not been addressed in previous EFT training sessions or through supervision. Because a clinician?s emotional intelligence and relationship skills are critical factors that directly influence treatment, Michelle Montagno, Ph.D., of the Wright Institute in Berkeley, California, conducted a study that evaluated the knowledge and competence levels of clinicians following a 4-day intensive EFT training session. The skills and growth achieved in EFT training can enhance a clinician?s curiosity and acceptance and increase his or her motivation to explore issues that are pertinent to clients. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/toxic-friends-break-up-0203124/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/toxic-friends-break-up-0203124/ Fri, 3 Feb 2012 19:29:58 GMT Toxic friends come in many forms?they can take much more than they add to the friendship; they can be a chronic complainer; they can tear you down?but the bottom line is that when you walk away from time spent with a toxic friend, you probably feel worse for the wear. If you think you might have a toxic friend in your life, take a moment to reflect on how you usually feel after being with this friend; if what you come up with includes words like drained, tired, unmotivated, worthless, or even downright depressed, you quite likely have a toxic friend. While it might be easy to identify the toxic friends in your life, it is often difficult, and sometimes painful, to decide what you want to do about them and even more difficult to actually do it. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychotherapy-and-recovery-take-time-0202125/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychotherapy-and-recovery-take-time-0202125/ Thu, 2 Feb 2012 22:16:55 GMT Quick, would you prefer 100 million dollars right now or a penny that that doubles every day for a year? Next question, would you like to be cured of your depression, relationship problems, eating disorder, or addiction immediately or would you like to work on it? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/time-to-separate-family-0202124/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/time-to-separate-family-0202124/ Thu, 2 Feb 2012 18:32:52 GMT Families need to be together. After all, the family as a group exists to provide support, nurturance, food, shelter, resources, and a stable future to each member. While most families have their ups and downs, even stressed, impoverished, chaotic families want to live with one another. When is it in the family?s best interest for members to separate from one another? Can leaving the family home for a short while ever bring healing to the relationships in the long run? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/taking-love-in-0113125/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/taking-love-in-0113125/ Tue, 31 Jan 2012 18:41:57 GMT Love is one of the most elemental of emotions?it is a building block to some of our deepest relationships and a component in many of our happiest days. Yet the ability to freely give and receive love is a fragile skill, which traumatic experiences can all too easily dent or damage. Learning how to be loved is a vital part of your healing, and here are a few tips on how to regain your ability to accept someone?s care, concern, and nurture. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/body-image-healthy-boundaries-013012/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/body-image-healthy-boundaries-013012/ Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:55:04 GMT Many people, but primarily young, educated, Western women, struggle to sustain a positive body image?for a multitude of reasons that have been discussed in previous posts. Often a negative body image leads to a poor relationship with the body and other aspects of self. It is associated with impoverished self-care and unhealthy eating and lifestyle habits. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/protecting-spouse-with-cancer-0127125/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/protecting-spouse-with-cancer-0127125/ Fri, 27 Jan 2012 19:14:44 GMT ?Sam? and ?Ellen? have been married for 42 years. They have had a good life together. They?ve raised 4 children and have 11 grandchildren. They?ve had their ups and downs but have always managed to get through the hard times, until now. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/partner-aggression-female-veterans-0126121/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/partner-aggression-female-veterans-0126121/ Thu, 26 Jan 2012 18:46:09 GMT The number of women who serve in the military and engage in combat is at an all-time high. The serious negative psychological consequences of being exposed to combat situations are well documented in male and female veterans. Those who return from war zones are at increased risk for many mental health problems, including posttraumatic stress, depression, substance abuse, anxiety, and intimate partner aggression. Although there have been many studies that have shown links between combat service and aggression in intimate relationships, few studies have examined how psychological problems resulting from combat influence this behavior in male and female veterans independently. Additionally, until now, there has been little research examining how childhood traumas combined with combat outcome affects the potential for a veteran to engage in aggressive behaviors. In order to address this gap, Lissa Dutra of the Women?s Health Sciences Division of the National Center for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder in Massachusetts led a study that looked specifically at female veteran aggression and if specific mental health conditions predicted that behavior. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/three-truths-about-marriage-0123125/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/three-truths-about-marriage-0123125/ Mon, 23 Jan 2012 21:02:47 GMT ?When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/gravity-of-autism-part-2-0123124/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/gravity-of-autism-part-2-0123124/ Mon, 23 Jan 2012 17:30:09 GMT In my efforts as a counselor, helping couples and individuals raise children with autism, I've combined what I learned in school with what I've learned in my own journey. My last blog talked about that gravitational pull autism has on a family. I'd like to address a few ways we can limit that pull from affecting every aspect of our lives negatively. These are not quick fixes, and you won't find a step-by-step guide here. It's a process that requires daily practice, much like yoga. There is no end point, and you will not have ?arrived?; it's ongoing. I like to call it living mindfully and with intention. Mindfulness simply means that you're paying attention to or are aware of what you're doing, thinking, saying, and believing. Living with intention means you're not just going through the motions of life, allowing autism or any other problem to control you. You are purposefully making decisions that lead to the goals you set in your life. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/old-lover-connects-on-line-0119125/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/old-lover-connects-on-line-0119125/ Thu, 19 Jan 2012 21:00:58 GMT What would you do? An important romantic figure from your past finds you on an internet social media site. Perhaps this was your first love. This renewed connection brings to mind the passion and enthusiasm of youth?before children, financial problems, and middle age. In your mind, you travel back to a time before career worries, mortgage problems, and thinning hair to a time of anticipation, optimism, and more energy. What would you do? Is it a wrong choice to maintain contact on-line? Is it wrong to have a texting relationship? Where do you draw the line? What is the line that would determine that this is an inappropriate relationship? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/wishy-washy-relationships-bad-health/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/wishy-washy-relationships-bad-health/ Thu, 19 Jan 2012 19:02:47 GMT According to a new study led by Bert N. Uchino of the Department of Psychology and Health Psychology Program at the University of Utah, ambivalent interpersonal relationships cause telomeres, chromosomal structures that maintain a person?s biological balance, to shorten. Short telomeres have been linked with increased risk for heart disease, infection, and decreased cellular life. Research has supported the theory that negative relationships are directly related to increased stress and blood pressure, but this new study is among the first to closely examine the link between ambiguous relationships and telomere length. Ambivalent relationships may not have the detrimental consequences of negative relationships, but the ambiguous nature of the relationships can cause unpredictability, stress, and anxiety. Additionally, almost half of the relationships people have are considered ambiguous, raising the question of whether or not these relationships should be evaluated more closely. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/is-marriage-really-over-0119124/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/is-marriage-really-over-0119124/ Thu, 19 Jan 2012 18:23:20 GMT Anthony kind of slumped into the office and comfortably settled himself into the easy chair. ?Doc,? he said, ?I?m here to find out if my marriage is over. To me, it seems like it really is.? He went on to explain that his wife, Julie, and he had been living two separate lives for as long as he could remember. She was very involved with the children?s activities; she worked full time and had a rather hectic schedule as a corporate attorney. They rarely ate together and their conversations, though cordial, were impersonal. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marital-education-heals-infidelity-wounds-0118123/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marital-education-heals-infidelity-wounds-0118123/ Thu, 19 Jan 2012 03:00:22 GMT Although infidelity is a difficult problem to address, marriage therapy has been shown to be highly effective at treating this painful issue. Marriage education, which teaches communication and compromise, is another form of treatment. But until now, its effect on marital satisfaction for couples dealing with infidelity had not been examined. Elizabeth S. Allen of the Department of Psychology at the University of Colorado in Denver, and lead author of a study that looked specifically at this treatment, explained that marriage education does not offer couples the personal experience of working directly with a therapist and is less invasive and intense than marriage counseling. Because many couples who receive marriage education may be struggling with overcoming infidelity issues, it is important to determine if the help they are receiving will actually benefit them in the long run. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/gravity-of-autism-0116124/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/gravity-of-autism-0116124/ Tue, 17 Jan 2012 15:30:38 GMT Definition: Gravitational Pull; The attraction that one object has for another object due to the invisible force of gravity. The mass of an object affects its gravitational pull. The gravitational pull of the Sun keeps the planets in orbit around it. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/can-couples-recover-from-infidelity-0111114/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/can-couples-recover-from-infidelity-0111114/ Wed, 11 Jan 2012 15:30:07 GMT I was counseling a couple recently and as the session was coming to a close I was asked point blank, ?How many couples come to see you with infidelity?? I had to stop for a moment and think, ?About 30% of the couples I treat work with infidelity issues,? I answered. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/secret-affairs-causes-hostility-in-relationships-0105111/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/secret-affairs-causes-hostility-in-relationships-0105111/ Thu, 5 Jan 2012 17:00:13 GMT Extradyadic involvement (EDI), also known as infidelity, occurs in many relationships. At times, the infidelity is known to both partners, and at other times, only the participating partner is aware of the EDI. Regardless, EDIs have significant negative consequences. ?Many negative emotional and behavioral correlates of EDI have been documented including partner violence, acute anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, and symptoms similar to those of posttraumatic stress disorder,? said Christina M. Balderrama-Durbin of the Department of Psychology at the University of Colorado. ?Relationship distress and dissolution are also commonly associated with EDI, with infidelity being the most frequently cited cause of divorce.? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/unsexy-in-vitro-fertilization-0104124/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/unsexy-in-vitro-fertilization-0104124/ Wed, 4 Jan 2012 15:30:31 GMT Technology can have a marvelous effect on sexuality in many ways. One example is the vibrator, which has helped countless women discover that we can indeed pleasure ourselves to orgasm. This in turn leads many of us to become orgasmic with a partner, so everyone?s happy. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marital-problems-linked-with-heart-health-issues-1231113/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marital-problems-linked-with-heart-health-issues-1231113/ Sat, 31 Dec 2011 17:00:31 GMT According to a new study, couples who have high levels of marital discord are at increased risk for coronary artery disease (CAD). ?Marital disruption (i.e., separation, divorce) and strain (i.e., conflict, dissatisfaction) predict the development of CHD (coronary heart disease) and poor prognosis for heart patients,? said Timothy W. Smith of the Department of Psychology at the University of Utah. ?The uncertain role of marital quality in early stages of coronary artery disease (CAD) before the onset of clinically apparent CHD complicates the design of CHD risk assessments and risk-reducing interventions.? Marital discord can be strongly impacted by levels of affiliation and control and gender. ?Women are sometimes more distressed by low affiliation in close relationships than are men, whereas men are often more troubled by concerns involving status or control,? said Smith. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/avoiding-sex-addiction-after-breakup-122920115/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/avoiding-sex-addiction-after-breakup-122920115/ Thu, 29 Dec 2011 16:30:03 GMT In many ways it would appear that breaking up is similar to falling in love. I know what you are thinking, and you are right - it?s not quite the same thing. However, in terms of the physiological effects that it has on your mind, psyche and body, it would appear to have quite a significant effect as it can potentially turn your world upside down. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/income-and-education-predict-african-american-couples-stability-1223112/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/income-and-education-predict-african-american-couples-stability-1223112/ Fri, 23 Dec 2011 22:00:04 GMT Intimate relationships provide emotional support and companionship that can result in many positive psychological health benefits. But often, marriage can be a source of stress. For African-American couples, the success of their relationships can be significantly influenced by specific factors, including income and education. In a recent study, Carolyn E. Cutrona of the Department of Psychology at Iowa State University used the vulnerability-stress-adaptation model of adaptive processes, stressful life events and enduring vulnerabilities to gauge marital stability in African-American couples. ?Of particular interest in the current study was the cascading influence of enduring vulnerability factors,? said Cutrona. ?Enduring vulnerabilities are characteristics (e.g., low education level) that influence peoples? susceptibility to stressful life events and their ability to interact effectively in their relationships.? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/fix-one-big-relationship-mistake-1222114/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/fix-one-big-relationship-mistake-1222114/ Thu, 22 Dec 2011 16:05:05 GMT As a Relationship Therapist of over 20 years, I have seen clients make one mistake that causes an otherwise non-threatening conversation to turn into one that is fraught with misunderstanding and dissatisfaction. While the importance of this one behavior is intuitive, it is not always obvious. Science has shown the powerful and crucial role it plays in understanding our partner, getting our needs met, and making our romantic relationships more solid and stable. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/new-love-reduces-stress-1221111/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/new-love-reduces-stress-1221111/ Wed, 21 Dec 2011 17:00:41 GMT The formation of interpersonal bonds is critical to the maintenance of a healthy relationship. In romantic relationships, bonds are formed through a series of emotional events when people first fall in love. Although there is little research exploring exactly how autonomic reactivity affects emotional states in relationships, existing evidence has demonstrated a link. ?Autonomic reactivity and emotion regulation play an important role in the partners? communication within a romantic relationship and were found to predict marital dissatisfaction and even divorce,? said Inna Schneiderman of the Gonda Multidisciplinary Brain Research Center at Bar-Ilan University in Israel, and lead author of a study examining how autonomic reactivity affects emotions in new lovers versus single people. One way to measure the level of autonomic reactivity and vagal regulation is to gauge Respiratory Sinus Arrhythmia (RSA). Therefore, for their study, Schneiderman and colleagues from the Bar-Ilan University measured the RSA of 55 people who had recently fallen in love and 57 single people after they watched two positive films, two negative films and two films that were emotionally neutral. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/attachment-style-predicts-infidelity-1219113/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/attachment-style-predicts-infidelity-1219113/ Mon, 19 Dec 2011 22:00:04 GMT Individuals who have avoidant attachment personalities struggle with intimacy and closeness. In romantic relationships, this type of personality can cause a partner to distance themselves from their loved one, and avoid physical closeness. ?Because avoidantly-attached people feel most comfortable with distance and detachment from their partner, they may have less of the commitment-inspired inhibition that normally prevents people from showing interest in alternatives and from engaging in infidelity,? said C. Nathan DeWall of the Department of Psychology at the University of Kentucky. ?Therefore, avoidant attachment may relate to a broad pattern of responses indicative of interest in alternatives and propensity to engage in infidelity, associations that should be mediated by a lack of commitment to one?s partner.? DeWall and his colleagues conducted a study to find out how avoidant attachment affected commitment in romantic relationships, and if the level of commitment would influence the desire to cheat. He said, ?We focus on commitment because prior evidence suggests that commitment is the most direct mediator when predicting behaviors that relate to the persistence of one?s relationship and engagement of behaviors meant to strengthen one?s relationship, accounting for variance beyond relationship satisfaction and investment in one?s relationship.? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-addiction-therapist-client-connection-12161/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-addiction-therapist-client-connection-12161/ Fri, 16 Dec 2011 15:21:57 GMT Last month I discussed the dilemma of a psychologically wounded person who feels torn between a yearning to get his deepest needs met ? a need for connection, safety and love ?  and a terror that those needs will be rejected (subtly or otherwise), leading to a traumatic abandonment, or re-abandonment in most cases. This creates dueling goals: to be loved and to maintain connection through inevitable ?bumps? on the relational road, which in the person?s life has proven impossible. Thus the faith that lasting relational intimacy can be found is slim to none, assuming it exists at all. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/verbal-abuse-defined-1215115/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/verbal-abuse-defined-1215115/ Thu, 15 Dec 2011 17:45:47 GMT There are ways of handling things that just shoot you in the foot, and then there are ways that have the other person willingly and happily eating out of your hand. Which would you rather it was? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/coping-with-infertility-during-holidays1214114/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/coping-with-infertility-during-holidays1214114/ Wed, 14 Dec 2011 15:30:37 GMT T.S. Eliot called April the cruelest month, but if you are undergoing fertility treatment or recently had a pregnancy loss, then you?re probably finding December far more cruel than April. Perhaps you made it through last Christmas or Chanukah by promising yourself a baby by this December. Or maybe your New Year?s Resolution was to be pregnant or expecting an adoption placement by the end of 2011. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/romantic-ideals-on-paper-differ-in-person-121020111/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/romantic-ideals-on-paper-differ-in-person-121020111/ Sat, 10 Dec 2011 16:00:52 GMT With the advent of internet dating, romantic partners are often first experienced on the page rather than in person. In a new study, Paul W. Eastwick of the Department of Psychology at Texas A&M University examined how romantic ideals change from the printed profile to the in-person encounter. ?Specifically, these studies tested whether the match between one?s ideal partner preferences and the traits that one perceives in a romantic partner predicts relational outcomes across several different contexts,? said Eastwick.  ?The present research examined the circumstances under which relational outcomes (e.g., romantic desire, commitment) are predicted by the match between (a) the traits that characterize one?s ideal romantic partner and (b) one?s perception of the traits of a specific individual who is or has the potential to be a romantic partner. We refer to this predictive association between ideal-perceived trait match and relational outcomes as the predictive validity hypothesis for ideal partner preferences.? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/who-gets-which-friends-120920115/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/who-gets-which-friends-120920115/ Fri, 9 Dec 2011 21:51:07 GMT You're getting a divorce. In addition to the friends you brought into the relationship, you and your ex have made many friends together through your children's activities, your jobs and the places you have volunteered. You both rely on their friendships to help with childcare and have established a social circle that meets both your needs. In addition, you have been talking to these friends about the difficulties you have been having in your marriage and want to be able to keep this support system. It has been so important for you to have close friends to talk to about all the things that have been difficult as your marriage is ending and you work on transitioning to your post-divorce family. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/lean-on-partners-make-it-through-holidays/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/lean-on-partners-make-it-through-holidays/ Tue, 6 Dec 2011 18:34:52 GMT I don?t know anyone who is not feeling greater stress during this time of year. Even terrific moments with people we love can cause us stress, and that?s if family and extended family are individuals we WANT to see. It?s even more stressful if we are acting out of obligation. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relate-relax-relish-holidays-with-partner/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relate-relax-relish-holidays-with-partner/ Tue, 6 Dec 2011 17:34:38 GMT "The time to relax is when you don't have time for it." http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/help-date-night-erectile-dysfunction/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/help-date-night-erectile-dysfunction/ Mon, 5 Dec 2011 18:28:08 GMT In my neck of the woods the majority of therapists see mainly women (probably about 80% of their clients). Not so for me - more than half my clients are male, and when I work with a couple it is more often the men who initiate conjoint therapy. I think this is because many guys tend to become very uptight about their penis, what Paul Joannides (author of The Guide to Getting It On) calls ?deadwood - the bummer in your pants". Many of the men I work with are concerned about their system crashing when their pants are off! http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/commitment-level-newlyweds-predicts-marital-persistence-1130112/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/commitment-level-newlyweds-predicts-marital-persistence-1130112/ Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:00:20 GMT Just as death is ultimately always the result of a heart that stops beating, the death of a marriage is always the result of marital dissatisfaction. The unhappiness could be caused by infidelity, addiction, loss of trust, anger, or a number of other issues, but divorce usually occurs because one or both partners has reached a point where they no longer find any satisfaction in the marriage. Some committed couples, who are dependent on the marital bond, may eventually throw in the towel as a result of dissatisfaction, and yet others do not. Dominik Schoebi of the Department of Psychology at the University of Fribourg in Switzerland theorized that perhaps commitment affected marital persistence even when a couple was dissatisfied. ?Dependence and commitment do go hand in hand in the investment model, but whereas dependence is theorized to be a structural property of dyads, commitment is viewed as a psychological state that captures more directly the experience of being in the relationship and being joined to another person within it,? said Schoebi. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/learned-emotional-competence-1125112/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/learned-emotional-competence-1125112/ Fri, 25 Nov 2011 22:00:43 GMT According to a new study, emotional competence (EC), the ability to understand, manage, express and use emotions, is a skill that can be learned. There are three levels of EC that affect every area of one?s life, knowledge, focus and ability. Knowledge is how much an individual understands about their own emotions. Focus is how well someone is able to manage their emotions and emotional responses. And Ability refers to how a person uses their emotional knowledge to cope with a specific situation in order to achieve a desired outcome. ?At a psychological level, higher trait EC is associated with greater well-being and higher self-esteem as well as a lower risk to develop psychological disorders,? said Delphine Nelis of the Department of Psychology at the University of Liege in Belgium, and lead author of the study. ?Socially, higher ability?trait EC is related to better social and marital relationships and, all things being equal, to a greater likelihood of being chosen as a romantic partner. Workwise, higher trait EC is associated with greater academic achievement and higher ability?trait EC is associated with higher job performance,? said Nelis. ?Ability?Trait EC is also linked to the likelihood of adopting unhealthy behaviors such as smoking, excessive drinking, and reckless driving.? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/negative-attributions-predicts-marital-engaged-couples-dissatisfaction-1123111/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/negative-attributions-predicts-marital-engaged-couples-dissatisfaction-1123111/ Wed, 23 Nov 2011 17:30:31 GMT Engaged couples form patterns of positive and negative behavior that can predict their marital satisfaction. ?Serious marital dissatisfaction predicts increased risk for a major depressive episode, even when controlling for history of depression,? said Rebecca E. Osterhout of the New Mexico Veterans Affairs Health Care System, and lead author of a new study examining how engaged couples? interactions predict marital satisfaction. ?Marital distress and divorce are also associated with negative child and family outcomes (e.g., poorer parenting, increased parent-child conflict, increased risk for child conduct, emotional, and behavioral problems).?  Because the engagement period provides a map for the direction the marriage will ultimately take, it is a vital time for developing adaptive strategies. ?With this in mind, the current study examined the association of two empirically established predictors of relationship distress in married samples, dyadic behavior and maladaptive attributions, in a sample of engaged couples reporting high levels of relationship satisfaction.? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-addiction-as-relational-disorder-1121115/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-addiction-as-relational-disorder-1121115/ Mon, 21 Nov 2011 19:01:06 GMT I?m struck by the fact that people with addiction issues, when confronted with the destructive effects of their behaviors, often find it harder to stop. This is especially true, in my clinical experience, when it comes to compulsive sexual behavior, aka sex addiction. Why is that? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/can-article-reading-improve-relationships-1118114/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/can-article-reading-improve-relationships-1118114/ Fri, 18 Nov 2011 16:18:50 GMT As a Relationship Therapist of over 25 years, my answer to this question is ?Yes.? You may think you don?t have time to read relationship advice articles. You may think you don?t need to go to some ?outsider? about your personal relationship. But consider this: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/facebook-breakups-1116115/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/facebook-breakups-1116115/ Wed, 16 Nov 2011 20:14:22 GMT Social networking websites such as Facebook, Twitter, as well as other means of electronic communications such as texting, are no longer the wave of the future: they are the here and now. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/harness-marriage-bond-power-1109114/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/harness-marriage-bond-power-1109114/ Wed, 9 Nov 2011 21:05:58 GMT I knew a couple whose divorce cluttered up the Broward County Courthouse for 10 years. That was before I went back to grad school for my doctorate but I kept thinking, ?Surely something could have been done to release this couple from each other?s clutches.? There was. One party escaped the country and I never heard the rest of the story. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/super-sizing-sex-1107113/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/super-sizing-sex-1107113/ Mon, 7 Nov 2011 16:37:10 GMT Several years ago, researchers Wolak, Mitchell, and Finkelhor published a highly disturbing article in Pediatrics magazine about youth exposure to online pornography which highlighted its effects on youth aged 10 to 17. Very few kids or young teens find their way into my office, but I?m beginning to see more and more young adults who began early and now struggle with the compulsion to watch online porn. According to Wolak and his colleagues, ?rates of unwanted exposure to sexual material among youth increased from 25% to 44% from 1999 to 2006, despite similar increases in the use of protective filtering software over that period.? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-not-place-for-romance-1104115/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-not-place-for-romance-1104115/ Fri, 4 Nov 2011 16:37:53 GMT If Hollywood is an indicator of our most common fantasies, modern Americans want to sleep with their therapists. I am horrified that so many television shows and movies depict romantic relationships between therapists and clients as though they were perfectly normal! The truth is, romance within a therapeutic relationship is as far from normal, acceptable, healthy, and sane as you can possibly get. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/living-with-relationship-frustration-1103115/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/living-with-relationship-frustration-1103115/ Thu, 3 Nov 2011 16:26:03 GMT Many couples I work with come in with a large amount of stress and difficulty. The causes vary, but the behaviors people use to respond to the upset are often predictable. People who start out loving each other sometimes find themselves so burdened by stress and difficulty that they end up feeling frustrated in the relationship. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/treating-eating-disorders-individuals-couples-families-1102113/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/treating-eating-disorders-individuals-couples-families-1102113/ Wed, 2 Nov 2011 16:10:02 GMT Last Friday, I gave a presentation at my state professional organization?s fall conference entitled, ?Illicit Lovers and Unwanted Guests: Treating Eating Disorders in Individuals, Couples and Families.? My organization, the North Carolina Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, comprises Marriage and Family Therapists who address all sorts of different problems that bring people to therapy, including, but not limited to, issues that cause problems in relationships. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/parents-negatively-influencing-children-regarding-other-parent-1101113/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/parents-negatively-influencing-children-regarding-other-parent-1101113/ Tue, 1 Nov 2011 14:23:14 GMT There are many ways in which one parent can influence how their children perceive their other parent. Often this is a positive experience for the children as they learn to appreciate both of their parents for what they each provide individually as a parent. Other times, this is a negative experience, especially during a divorce, making it very difficult for children to manage their feelings of loyalty and have loving relationships with both parents. It is sometimes the case where one parent is truly a danger to their children and should not have access to the children as determined by a court of law. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/couples-reconcile-religious-spiritual-differences-1031114/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/couples-reconcile-religious-spiritual-differences-1031114/ Mon, 31 Oct 2011 18:08:49 GMT Every so often I will be treating a couple, one of whom says that the other doesn?t care about religion or spiritual matters. The complainant may cite a lack of support for his or her spiritual or religious activities. Sometimes the partner resents the time devoted to religious/spiritual pursuits.  Sometimes one or the other person feels alone when it comes to events that are more couple or family oriented (such as holiday celebrations). In my religion, the Yoruba/Lucumi faith, the activities, initiations, drumming, etc. are so labor-intensive, it is hard to imagine being with someone who isn?t in some way in the faith. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/happiness-levels-compared-humorous-somber-spouses/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/happiness-levels-compared-humorous-somber-spouses/ Tue, 25 Oct 2011 15:00:08 GMT : http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/create-emotional-intimacy-engage-fear-anger-love/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/create-emotional-intimacy-engage-fear-anger-love/ Mon, 24 Oct 2011 18:56:53 GMT ?...there's nothing more intimate in life than simply being understood. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-after-miscarriage/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-after-miscarriage/ Mon, 24 Oct 2011 14:46:25 GMT The loss of a child before it is born naturally stirs intense and conflicting emotions. Women might feel an intense physical bonding and grief for a being with whom they have already grown attached. Whereas men might feel more ephemerally connected and cheated from the opportunity to begin their bond. When miscarriage affects couples, it may stimulate growth or, conversely, unearth an inability to support each other through troubling times. The confusion surrounding one's own feelings as well as how to be of real support to one's partner after the loss tends to disrupt the balance of our relationships. This is especially true if some of that balance lay in the shared anticipation of parenthood. The inability to share and understand each other's grief can be an isolating experience. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/love-versus-object-personification-synesthesia/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/love-versus-object-personification-synesthesia/ Fri, 21 Oct 2011 21:01:32 GMT Perhaps you?ve come across one of the many articles or videos with titles like, ?In Love with the Eiffel Tower?, or a recent National Geographic Taboo program called ?Forbidden Love?? The topic is Objectum Sexuality (OS), a rare sexual orientation which includes affectionate, romantic, and sometimes erotic attraction and relationships with objects. The beloved objects can range from transport to landmarks, from sporting equipment to fisheye buttons. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/when-acceptance-becomes-enabling/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/when-acceptance-becomes-enabling/ Wed, 19 Oct 2011 16:30:19 GMT In couples and sex therapy, one of the common themes that come up is that of acceptance. I strongly encourage people to accept their partner, and accept each other. I believe that acceptance is at the core of a successful intimate relationship. I discourage long lists of expectations and/or changes that people often bring into their relationships, which may be ideals of who their partner should or should not be, perhaps based on how a previous partner may have been or how the perfect partner should be. These 'ideals' or 'shoulds' can be quite detrimental not just to the relationship as a whole, but affect other areas of the relationship along the way, such as a couple's sex life. Ideals and 'shoulds' can sound like judgments and criticisms, and there is just no room for hostility in the bedroom (well, in most cases). So limiting our lists to two very specific items is something I recommend; simply accept the rest. Acceptance conveys the message that we love our partner just the way he/she is, and that quite possibly we even admire them, look up to them, and still love and/or are in love with the same person when we met, and who we fell in love with. If we find we cannot accept our partner much of the time, and that we get angry too much, then taking a look at ourselves is the next step. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mindfulness-conflict-management-skill/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mindfulness-conflict-management-skill/ Tue, 18 Oct 2011 13:54:36 GMT Here?s a story related recently by one of my clients that shows how a couple?s simple conversation escalated into a shouting match that threatened to lead someone straight to a divorce lawyer?s office. See if you can relate to what?s being said. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/loving-someone-who-hurt-you/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/loving-someone-who-hurt-you/ Thu, 13 Oct 2011 14:05:45 GMT What?s ?falling in love? anyway? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/counting-on-your-partner/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/counting-on-your-partner/ Wed, 12 Oct 2011 20:33:38 GMT When the chips are down and your back is to the wall, can you look to your spouse or relationship partner for backup? Do you have assurance that you can count on this person?no matter what?  Our romantic relationships have a high value. We want to trust our partner. Neuroscience tells us we are hard wired to want that close bond with another human. The couples I have seen in my therapy practice all want to know:are you there for me? But how do we know that we can count on our partner? As a relationship therapist for over 25 years, I have discovered three important factors that let us know, ?my partner has my back?: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/when-addicted-partner-wont-stop/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/when-addicted-partner-wont-stop/ Wed, 12 Oct 2011 16:05:05 GMT A very poignant comment to my article last month, from H. Hall, really struck a nerve. Again, I am very grateful for feedback of any stripe. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mental-health-affects-marital-health/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mental-health-affects-marital-health/ Wed, 12 Oct 2011 15:00:14 GMT : http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/protecting-your-marriage-during-financial-downturns/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/protecting-your-marriage-during-financial-downturns/ Tue, 11 Oct 2011 15:01:37 GMT Sometimes couples may feel they?re on the same money trail until an unforeseen event occurs. Whether it?s a sudden increase in expenses brought about by illness, childbirth, or damage to your car or home, you may abruptly discover that the two of you are miles apart. Maybe you?ve never before had your expenses outpace your income and you suddenly realize that one of you is all too ready to borrow at a high interest rate while the other one would rather scrimp and change your lifestyle. In such a scenario, it may feel like you are headed in opposite directions. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/shared-coping-helps-wives-with-breast-cancer/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/shared-coping-helps-wives-with-breast-cancer/ Sun, 9 Oct 2011 13:00:46 GMT : http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relief-divorce-trap/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relief-divorce-trap/ Wed, 5 Oct 2011 18:35:58 GMT I have been in practice long enough to see many couples and families develop over the past thirty years. While there are countless stories over a full range of topics, one that greatly interests me involves divorce. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/elephant-marries-donkey-peace-despite-politics/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/elephant-marries-donkey-peace-despite-politics/ Fri, 30 Sep 2011 19:21:56 GMT Ah, the time of year when political news is everywhere. The 2012 presidential election looms, and potential candidates travel the country looking for support week after week. It?s a time for thinking about where our country has been and where it should go. It?s a time when people get together and discuss the environment, healthcare, and unemployment. It?s a time when couples sit down and talk warmly about their hopes for the country and fill envelopes for the party they both are fervent members of. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/7-steps-better-sex-life/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/7-steps-better-sex-life/ Thu, 29 Sep 2011 16:53:53 GMT Are you and your partner arguing about sexual issues in your relationship? Is there an ongoing issue that keeps coming up, in the process making your sex life rockier, or worse, non-existent? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/saying-sorry-not-enough/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/saying-sorry-not-enough/ Tue, 27 Sep 2011 13:40:41 GMT I can?t tell you how many times I have heard this from couples during a session. Something big happens between them (for instance, one person cheated on the other), and the offending party apologizes; however, the difficulty continues, and the person who said they were sorry wonders why that is. The person who got hurt wants to feel better. The person who has apologized becomes exasperated because he or she feels they have done everything they can. ?I said I was sorry. What else do you want from me?? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/young-gay-men-highest-percentage-hiv-cases/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/young-gay-men-highest-percentage-hiv-cases/ Fri, 16 Sep 2011 01:00:36 GMT : http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/single-satisfied-life-relationships/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/single-satisfied-life-relationships/ Thu, 8 Sep 2011 19:00:22 GMT ?One is the loneliest number?.? ? Three Dog Night http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/distant-spouse-ships-passing-night/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/distant-spouse-ships-passing-night/ Thu, 8 Sep 2011 15:06:48 GMT "I've made up my mind," Dana sighed deeply. "I'm going to stick it out--for the kids. I won't cheat. I have no intention of that and I don't believe he would either. We are two straight-arrow people. But there's nothing there. We have nothing, absolutely nothing to say to each other. The marriage is basically dead; we just didn't plan the funeral." http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/veterans-prematurely-end-couples-therapy-increased-risk-divorce/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/veterans-prematurely-end-couples-therapy-increased-risk-divorce/ Wed, 7 Sep 2011 20:00:39 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/joyful-solutions-to-relationship-difficulties/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/joyful-solutions-to-relationship-difficulties/ Sun, 4 Sep 2011 17:00:22 GMT Note: This article is for couples who have experienced love and compatibility but are having current challenges. This article is not for people who are in a relationship with someone who is abusive or unable to be present due to addiction. Abuse and addiction situations require other kinds of counseling. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychological-abuse-intimate-relationships-ptsd/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychological-abuse-intimate-relationships-ptsd/ Sat, 3 Sep 2011 15:00:18 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/women-committed-relationships-lose-sexual-desire/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/women-committed-relationships-lose-sexual-desire/ Fri, 2 Sep 2011 18:21:21 GMT How often do you want sex? And is that enough? Not wanting enough sex is the big problem for most women who consult me as a clinical sexologist. And most sex therapists will agree that having a low level of sexual desire is a problem.  But the majority of these women are heterosexual with male partners who are ? you guessed it ? complaining. Lesbian couples don?t usually present with similar problems. So I guess I should say ?relatively low levels of sexual desire!? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/steering-marriage-cruising/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/steering-marriage-cruising/ Fri, 2 Sep 2011 17:27:54 GMT Let?s go for a ride. I am going to show you how the journey through marriage is analogous to the journey through life with a new car. This juxtaposition could really hit home for the guys; it may be a good way to help your spouse understand what happens to a marriage that is put on cruise control and why it is vital to take hold of the steering wheel and drive your marriage in the right direction. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mr-wrong-feel-like-mr-right/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mr-wrong-feel-like-mr-right/ Thu, 1 Sep 2011 20:59:13 GMT Please note: This article does NOT apply in cases of violence or abuse. There can be nothing ?right? about such a relationship. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-happy-face/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-happy-face/ Thu, 25 Aug 2011 19:02:32 GMT Every one in a relationship wants to feel loved by their partner. To feel loved, many individuals will put on a happy face and maintain a persona that everything is fine, even when it isn?t. Often people are so good at acting like they are happy that the partner has no idea anything could be wrong. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-addiction-battle/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-addiction-battle/ Wed, 24 Aug 2011 19:44:41 GMT Did you know there are individuals who minimize sexual addiction as a disorder? Regardless, its impact, devastation and pain to the individuals who are struggling with it, their spouses and children along with many areas of their lives cannot be ignored. When we consider that the National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity describes sexual addiction as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses.  Over time, the individual struggling with sexual addiction usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results. With that being said, is it really worth the battle? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/cycle-too-comfortable-relationship/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/cycle-too-comfortable-relationship/ Tue, 23 Aug 2011 20:06:46 GMT There is a place where most couples want to get and feel good about getting to, a place where most people would agree is what a wonderful long term relationship is all about. That lovely secure place is the feeling of comfort. Most couples would agree that it?s the small things that make the long- term relationship special. Shopping for groceries, fixing up the house, running errands together, doing laundry, waking up together, making breakfast, etc.. You get the idea, it?s the day to day, simple little things we do that we get to do together in a long term relationship that makes it special, and yes, comfortable. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marital-money-pit/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marital-money-pit/ Fri, 19 Aug 2011 19:24:42 GMT It?s nearly impossible these days to pick up the paper or turn on the news without learning of yet another study or statistic indicating a weak recovery or a chronic recession. While it has taken its toll on families and communities in the way of foreclosures and bankruptcy, the recession has struck at marriages too. Many couples would admit that it has increased tension and even conflict in their relationship. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dating-after-divorce-blending-families/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dating-after-divorce-blending-families/ Mon, 15 Aug 2011 17:30:57 GMT You?ve been divorced for three years and have been working at moving on in your life, establishing new relationships and feeling so much better about yourself than you have in a very long time. You are grateful for your friends and family and the support they have given you. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/depression-marital-discord/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/depression-marital-discord/ Fri, 12 Aug 2011 14:36:26 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/angr-friend-not-attending-wedding/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/angr-friend-not-attending-wedding/ Thu, 11 Aug 2011 16:09:36 GMT If you remember from last month, Ellen had to decide about attending her friend Robin?s wedding, to be held in a far away resort- it would be a lot of fun, but Ellen didn?t have enough money to go and couldn?t take time off from her new job, either- she was scared she might be fired- she liked the job a lot, and jobs can be hard to come by. On the other hand, even though Robin came from a big family and everyone planned to come, the most important people of all, Robin?s parents, had died several months earlier in a car crash and their absence felt like a giant hole in Robin?s world. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sharing-depression-symptoms-partner/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sharing-depression-symptoms-partner/ Thu, 11 Aug 2011 01:00:41 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/daily-family-listening/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/daily-family-listening/ Tue, 9 Aug 2011 16:49:38 GMT How many times have you heard something like this in your household? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-chronic-illness/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-chronic-illness/ Thu, 4 Aug 2011 15:42:20 GMT Awkward topic, isn?t it? It?s not an area we usually delve into with great confidence or pride.  For those of us with chronic illness, the topic of sex can bring up a whole host of emotions: fear, hurt, guilt, sadness, feelings of inadequacy and disappointment. Sure, there are moments of great passion and pleasure but those seem few and far between when our illnesses flare or we?re too exhausted from the events of the day. Adding to the complexities of sex for the chronically ill are the myriad of side effects from the many medications out there intended to ease our pain and discomfort.  Many stunt our desire for sex or leave us way too tired to even think about a night of romance. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-cardiac-stress-women-depression/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-cardiac-stress-women-depression/ Thu, 4 Aug 2011 14:53:59 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/love-drugs-primitive-brain/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/love-drugs-primitive-brain/ Wed, 3 Aug 2011 18:22:10 GMT The most common question I get in my work and sometimes from my friends is ?Am I an alcoholic?? This is usually followed by ?Does this mean I have to go into rehab? Will I ever be able to have a drink again?? I believe that treatment for addiction should be individualized to take into affect each person?s individual needs, complexity and readiness to change. Every case is different. Sometimes the answer is undeniably ?It?s complicated? I was trained to apply systematic screening and assessment in order to determine if say Alcohol Abuse vs Dependence is present based on DSM-IV criteria and make treatment recommendations based on the ASAM placement criteria. You can learn more about them here (http://www.alcoholcostcalculator.org/business/about/dsm.html) and here (http://paulearley.net/ASAM-PPC-Articles/asam-textbook-chapter-4-5/Assessment-Dimensions.html) http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/lesbian-breakup-friendship/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/lesbian-breakup-friendship/ Tue, 2 Aug 2011 17:07:55 GMT For people who are dating or dealing with the starting and ending of intimate relationships, a certain question tends to arise... can ex-partners maintain healthy roles in each others? lives? And if so, when, where, how, and (most obviously) why? Sometimes an ex?s role is clear; for example, a couple who has children together will most likely continue as co-parents in the event of a separation. Other post-breakup scenarios have less obvious answers. Exes can, often unintentionally, fall into dysfunctional roles in each other?s lives, such as a baggage-laden ?friend?, convenient sexual outlet, or receptacle of lingering animosity. Deciding how to continue forward, together or separately, after a relationship dissolves can be tricky for anyone. However, for several reasons, this quandary appears to be particularly challenging for lesbians. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/infidelity-enhance-relationship/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/infidelity-enhance-relationship/ Tue, 2 Aug 2011 16:43:28 GMT I would like to be quite clear. Infidelity hurts. Infidelity is destructive. I am not suggesting infidelity. However, when cheating happens in a relationship it does not have to be the end. An infidelity can be a wakeup call that your relationship was not working for one or both of you. If you want to be together, you can use this knowledge to fix what was not working and in that way your relationship can be enhanced. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/think-relationship-over/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/think-relationship-over/ Mon, 1 Aug 2011 16:04:20 GMT You are in a relationship, but sometimes you feel something in the pit of your stomach that reminds you that you are not happy. You love your partner with all your heart, yet you feel as if you are missing something better. You wonder if something out there just might be more fulfilling, and you begin to think maybe you are just settling for what you have. You live with this feeling and you try not to think about it.  You make new friends, go back to school, switch jobs, or focus on the kids. You do anything to keep your mind off this nagging feeling that reminds you of something lacking. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/im-right-youre-wrong-relationships/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/im-right-youre-wrong-relationships/ Wed, 27 Jul 2011 14:38:41 GMT It?s a classic. Of all the themes in the history of relational strife, the I?m Right, You?re Wrong story is by far the most common. And like many things common, we often take it for granted or overlook the magnitude of its influence. When couples enter into therapy together, it may be a hidden goal for each of them to convince their therapist that they are right and the other is wrong. They demonstrate this in many ways, either subtly or in more painfully blatant ways. By doing so, they hope to feel validated that they were right after all, and that feels good. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/alternative-lifestyle-relationship/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/alternative-lifestyle-relationship/ Mon, 25 Jul 2011 15:21:21 GMT It?s a pretty well known fact that ?happily ever after? is a concept that is often easier said than done. People still cling to and admire the ideals of a long-term commitment and marriage and with a little effort and cooperation many find that it is actually doable when they have both feet in the relationship, whilst others are finding that finding a new partner is sometimes just easier, and divorcing themselves from their partner and situation makes more sense. But with so much exposure to new and alternative ways of embracing marriage, more and more couples are ?coming out? so to speak, to embrace their sexuality by exploring alternative lifestyles within the marriage. Alternative lifestyles, also known as open relationships, are giving couples a third option, so to speak, when relationships need a little extra push to get up that hill. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/codependency-therapy-jealousy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/codependency-therapy-jealousy/ Fri, 22 Jul 2011 15:05:30 GMT Rarely does a client call for an appointment and say that they want help with their codependency. One of the many issues that bring clients to therapy for codependency is relationship troubles. Sometimes a client will call with a broken heart and feel that they should have recovered from it by now. Other times there are problems with jealousy and trust issues. A client may call re: difficulty communicating with their spouse which often means the inability to resolve conflict. Other times a client calls to find out how they can get their partner to change something or get help. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/truths-workplace-affair/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/truths-workplace-affair/ Thu, 21 Jul 2011 15:35:03 GMT "The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love. Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust." http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-after-giving-birth/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-after-giving-birth/ Tue, 19 Jul 2011 17:30:54 GMT The words postpartum depression and sex could basically be juxtaposted in a Sesame Street song: ?Which of these things is not like the other? Which of these things is kinda the same? Can you guess which thing is not like the other?? In other words, if you are recovering from postpartum depression, more than likely sex is not even remotely on the brain. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/fear-hurting-others-self-inhibition/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/fear-hurting-others-self-inhibition/ Tue, 19 Jul 2011 16:53:42 GMT Even when it is unintended, some people find it intolerable to hurt someone they love. To experience hurting the other can create shame, guilt and strong ?I am a bad person? feelings. As a result, we may avoid saying what is on our mind and put aside our own feelings and needs. This inhibiting of the self can be harmful to our relationships and can create the conditions for developing anxiety and depression. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dimensions-sexual-identity/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dimensions-sexual-identity/ Thu, 14 Jul 2011 19:32:00 GMT Everyone has a sexual identity. This might sound like a really simple and obvious thing to say, but I?ve found in my work as a therapist and an educator that people often only think of ?gay? and ?lesbian? when they hear the terms ?sexual identity? or ?sexual orientation.?  So, the first thing to know about sexual identity is that everybody has one. The close second most important thing to know about it is that only you can decide what your sexual identity is. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-money-matters/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-money-matters/ Wed, 13 Jul 2011 15:21:25 GMT Modern marriage as an institution is no longer primarily a financial arrangement agreed upon by parents, as has been the case historically in nearly all cultures. And yet financial issues are the third most common issue cited by couples seeking divorce, following loss of intimacy/ irreconcilable differences and infidelity. A 2006 Money Magazine poll found that 84% of couples see money as a source of tension in their marriage and 15% admit to arguing about it several times a month. Usually the arguments are about different financial priorities and debt. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/shadow-work-emotional-suffering/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/shadow-work-emotional-suffering/ Wed, 13 Jul 2011 15:05:34 GMT If you read last month?s blog, Creativity vs Shadow, you will remember a brief mention of Deepak and Gotham Chopra?s book, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Superheroes. In the book Chopra identified shadow as a ?force of the unconscious that can be destructive, divisive and/or self-sabotaging if it remains unconscious?. Shadow is difficult to recognize because left to it?s own devices it remains unconscious. Shadow is a zapping energy that lurks in the area of emotional suffering caused to oneself or to another. The concept can be broadly applied to families, groups, religions, governments, countries, etc. if we consider them bodies of energy. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/five-domains-healthy-relationship/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/five-domains-healthy-relationship/ Tue, 12 Jul 2011 16:31:50 GMT You might have heard the phrase ?love is the glue? that holds us, the universe, etc. together. I'd like to make a case for mindfulness as a similar connecting agent. In thinking of the work I am passionate about offering at Counseling on Capitol Hill, I've discovered that the various offerings have a common theme. What is it that couples counseling, Positive Discipline parent education, individual therapy, mindfulness coaching, and family therapy have in common? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/chronic-illness-hypersensitivity-relationships/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/chronic-illness-hypersensitivity-relationships/ Fri, 8 Jul 2011 19:30:38 GMT I recently stumbled across a new blog called Infinite Daze where the author poignantly writes about her daily struggles with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS).  In a recent post titled Should I Stay or Should I Go Now, she has this to say about her marriage: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/intimate-relationship-bullying/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/intimate-relationship-bullying/ Thu, 7 Jul 2011 17:48:48 GMT When we think of a bully we might be reminded of a big kid from school who used his or her size to intimidate others. Maybe we have an image from some television show or movie of a hulking being pushing others around. As a couples counselor I can tell you bullies come in all shapes and sizes. They can be demur women and they can be medium sized men. They can be kind in their presentation and underneath they can be steaming with anger and come out harsh.  Whatever their shape, they all have at least one thing in common? they are abusive to their mate. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/couples-communication-responsiveness/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/couples-communication-responsiveness/ Wed, 29 Jun 2011 14:49:11 GMT There?s a distinct set of habits that are shared by almost all people who know how to get their partners to be open-minded and receptive, and thanks to decades of painstaking relationship research, we now know exactly what these habits are. If you want to succeed in love, you simply must have specific interpersonal abilities. If you have them, chances are very good that over the long haul your partner will be responsive to your wants and needs. If you don?t have them, the evidence suggests that your relationship future is likely quite dim. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/resentful-compliance-commitment-communication/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/resentful-compliance-commitment-communication/ Mon, 27 Jun 2011 17:50:07 GMT The focus of this post is to elaborate on two related themes. One, the differences between resentful compliance and commitment. Two, how understanding those differences can alter the course of a relationship. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/codependent-therapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/codependent-therapy/ Sun, 26 Jun 2011 14:00:44 GMT You may wonder how people get into therapy for co-dependency. Rarely do I have a client come in requesting help for co-dependency. More often clients come in for other issues, and we discover the co-dependency as I am getting to know them. I will describe some of the presenting problems that sometimes can be a red flag for co-dependency. Then, in subsequent articles, I will describe we work together in therapy to make things better. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/good-bad-sides-porn/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/good-bad-sides-porn/ Wed, 22 Jun 2011 18:55:41 GMT I want to start off by saying that pornography in and of itself is not a ?bad? thing. We have preconceived notions about porn being something bad. Men feel guilty about it. Women feel threatened by it. I want to talk a little bit about why porn is good, and why porn is bad. At the core, I believe that everything in moderation is the best format to follow. And a little bit of porn should be fine, as long as it?s not interfering with your sex life, social life, finances, job, relationship, family, responsibilities and so on. (Read: Most mental health professionals will in fact determine whether or not something is considered an addiction, or if someone is addicted based on the aforementioned variables of responsibilities. If something is being affected, such as any or all of job, relationship, family, money, chances are the individual has a problem or addiction, and will likely be treated as such by the mental health professional.) http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapists-fathers-parenting/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapists-fathers-parenting/ Fri, 17 Jun 2011 19:13:16 GMT As a psychologist, I see many dads who take pride in and also struggle with being a father. In honor of Father?s Day, I would like to offer some reflections for fathers, families, and therapists about the importance of recognizing and celebrating fathers in therapy. Let?s start with a quiz: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/tips-resolve-conflicts-cash/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/tips-resolve-conflicts-cash/ Wed, 15 Jun 2011 13:41:04 GMT Unresolved conflict about money is the #1 cause of divorce in the US. Learning to communicate effectively about money is the #1 solution. The ability to face, handle and resolve conflict is a skill. Unfortunately it?s not a subject or skill we are taught at school; or at home ? for most of us. We get education about reading, writing and arithmetic. We even get sex education; as girls and boys we learn about ?private parts,? the reproduction cycle and periods. At home, some of us are even lucky enough to get the ?sex? talk from mom or dad; or at least a book about where babies come from. But, did your parents ever come to you and say, ?Honey, it?s time we have the talk about how to deal with conflict effectively?? We?ll bet not. What we do learn about conflict, for better or worse, comes from observing how conflict was handled in our families growing up. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/social-media-cheating-anthony-weiner/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/social-media-cheating-anthony-weiner/ Mon, 13 Jun 2011 19:42:11 GMT So here we go again. Another public figure admitting to erroneous acts that skirt just outside the confines of his marriage. But is it infidelity? When Arnold Schwarzenegger came clean about fathering a child out of wedlock, at least there was concrete evidence that people could look at and say, ?Ah, hah! He definitely cheated!? But with virtual flirtation, recognizing when someone has crossed that line becomes a little more difficult. When does social media contact become infidelity? If my husband instant messaged an old buddy from high school, I probably wouldn?t mind. But if it was an ex-girlfriend, I know I would feel differently. And if he tried to hide it from me and lied when confronted with the evidence, it would become more than suspicious. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/three-ways-cope-sex-addiction-relapse/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/three-ways-cope-sex-addiction-relapse/ Tue, 7 Jun 2011 19:47:47 GMT Do you know the difference between a relapse and a onetime occurrence of making a poor choice? In asking that question, let me first say that it is important to not excuse a slip up or any patterns of making healthy behavioral choices followed by re-engaging in old patterns, even one time. Yes, there can be times where the one struggling with sexual addiction has a prolonged period of sobriety, they let their boundary down briefly and then get back on track with honesty and help.  A relapse is more than one slip up. It is opening you back up to the addictive behaviors, choices and patterns that were so destructive in one?s life. Let?s take a look at three ways that an individual who suffers from sexual addiction can deal with relapse and then three ways their spouse can walk through this as well. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/couples-do-dont-speak-same-language/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/couples-do-dont-speak-same-language/ Mon, 6 Jun 2011 20:35:02 GMT This is not a post about people speaking two different languages such as English and Spanish.  This is a story about couples that talk to each other but it feels as if they just don?t speak the same language; they talk but they can?t hear each other, as if both are speaking in a foreign dialect. Couples who fall into this category try to communicate but usually end up giving up because it gets too frustrating. Both people want to get their points across but it?s so difficult many couples just stop trying. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/exercise-contemplation/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/exercise-contemplation/ Mon, 6 Jun 2011 20:20:43 GMT In my practice I often meet clients experiencing crisis, whether midlife, spiritual or existential, and sometimes it?s a combination of all of these. Laurinda (not her real name) was such a person. Laurinda came to see me once she was on the verge of complete emotional and physical collapse. The immediate trigger of the breakdown had been the fact that she had missed an important meeting at which she was to have given a presentation to a professional group, but after hearing a bit more of her story, it was obvious that Laurinda was perpetually stressed from attempting to manage not one, but two, professional careers, hosting a book discussion group, guest blogging for several websites related to her professional work, and micro-managing the affairs of an elderly family member - all while ignoring a medical condition with orthopedic and neurological overtones that had emanated from a birth defect. She was also abstinent from prescription drug abuse and ?allegedly? - she told me somewhat wryly - actively working a twelve-step program.  To top it all off, Laurinda was attempting to preserve a long-term but now shaky relationship with a long-term partner who had recently suddenly exploded, said she couldn?t take it any more, and moved out. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/communication-competitive-versus-cooperative/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/communication-competitive-versus-cooperative/ Fri, 27 May 2011 18:15:49 GMT We are taught from the earliest of ages that good communication is imperative. In both subtle, and direct ways, we are taught to be competitive when we communicate. Simultaneously, we are told to be cooperative.  What an impossible task--to be cooperative and competitive at the same time. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marriage-family-therapy-hope-real-change/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marriage-family-therapy-hope-real-change/ Wed, 25 May 2011 22:54:04 GMT Life in the trenches brings with it fears, burdens, and losses. Times of stress and embattlement may inflict wounds to be long left either ignored or haphazardly bandaged. Sometimes in adolescence the severing of openness with parents is a lonely precursor to endless turf battles in a fight for identity. Left unresolved, the gaping irresolution of this singularly critical bond has the power to play itself out in relationships with lovers and coworkers and children throughout the course of life. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/premarital-counseling-decrease-conflict/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/premarital-counseling-decrease-conflict/ Tue, 24 May 2011 20:52:46 GMT I'm a big proponent for pre-marital counseling, although I don't market myself specifically as a premarital counselor, (and there are some therapists who do specify their work as towards this) I definitely believe that taking the time to plan and discuss things, particularly goals and expectations, is absolutely necessary for long term relationships, whether it involves marriage or just cohabitating together. It's important to know what we are getting into, who we are getting into it with, what their expectations are for the short term and the long term, whether they want children, parenting styles, who will work, who will stay home, do they want a career, and so on and so forth.. And it also helps to get to know ourselves. What do we want and expect from the relationship, and what do we expect from ourselves within a relationship? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/adult-play-philosophy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/adult-play-philosophy/ Tue, 17 May 2011 21:51:54 GMT Play is serious business! http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-conflict-deeper-connection/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-conflict-deeper-connection/ Wed, 11 May 2011 01:32:40 GMT Conventional wisdom says that having conflict in a partnership is ?bad.? Most couples perceive conflict or its lack as a measure of a relationship?s strength or weakness. The truth is that conflict in itself is not bad; in fact it is a necessary part of every relationship. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/undeveloped-self-relationship-problems/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/undeveloped-self-relationship-problems/ Mon, 9 May 2011 18:24:08 GMT When we describe the relationship between mother and infant, we understand that baby and mother are one. In that symbiotic relationship, there is merger. There are not two separate selves with their own subjectivities who are relating to one another. (One?s subjectivity is the unique way in which we perceive our self and the world.) Our selves and subjectivities develop as we grow from infant to child to adolescent to adult.  When two people come together with their subjectivities, they are relating as two different people. When the processes of separation and individuation have been problematic, the development of one?s unique subjectivity is impaired. The ability to consider someone else?s subjectivity is also not developed. This makes relationship difficult. When a self is undeveloped in a relationship, there is no ?other? to connect to. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/heart-rate-monitor-relationship/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/heart-rate-monitor-relationship/ Fri, 6 May 2011 16:35:30 GMT With all of the technical gadgets available for monitoring information pertaining to running and exercise, one can get very ?scientific? about training and performance. But despite the ability to concisely measure what is happening with your body, equipment can malfunction, and sometimes people perform better when not paying attention to the equipment. For these reasons, it can be helpful to your performance to rely on how you feel in your body, in your heart- ?heart rate.? This applies to relationships as well. How does your heart rate the relationship? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/divorce-decision/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/divorce-decision/ Wed, 4 May 2011 19:31:13 GMT You?ve been together now for about 14 years. For the past 4-5 years, you?ve wondered if you can stay together any longer. You?re interests have changed, you don?t enjoy doing things together as much. You find you are impatient and want to have the closeness, with someone, you used to have with each other. Your time is spent running from home to soccer games to business meetings to doctor appointments. There is little time left over to spend together and mostly you just don?t want to anymore. Too much work to bridge the gap that has been created. Your 12 year old daughter and 9 year old son are the lights of your life and spending time with them is much more fulfilling. And you don?t want to think about what your life will be like when they are older and don?t need you so much anymore. Perhaps, you think, that will be the time to consider leaving the marriage. In the meantime, the distance between you and your spouse widens. You don?t talk to each other so nicely anymore. Your tempers are short and you sometimes say things in front of the children you regret both because of the content and because you have been yelling. You are aware you may be doing some harm to the children as they watch the two of you ?go at it? with each other. Often, you find yourself thinking about the friend you have lunch with periodically at work, in a different way. You can talk to him/her more easily than with your spouse. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/spouse-doesnt-believe-chronic-illnes/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/spouse-doesnt-believe-chronic-illnes/ Fri, 29 Apr 2011 20:45:10 GMT 1 out of 2 people in the U.S. has a chronic illness and in 96% of these cases, the chronic illness is invisible. This means the illness is not readily apparent to others because the person doesn?t use an assistive device like a cane or a wheelchair. Most people with an invisible illness can tell you story after story of family members, friends, co-workers, bosses, etc. who don?t actually believe they?re ill. They?ve been given snide looks when exiting their car after parking in a handicapped spot. They?ve been told by their friends that they look too good to be sick. They?ve been questioned by bosses as to why they miss so many days of work when even a doctor can?t determine an appropriate diagnosis. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/wife-post-partum-depression/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/wife-post-partum-depression/ Fri, 22 Apr 2011 13:00:57 GMT If you are the significant other/partner/support person/spouse of a woman who is experiencing perinatal challenges, you are not alone. Over 20% of all childbearing women develop postpartum depression/anxiety (clinical term). And a significant percentage of those women also have depression/anxiety while pregnant. It can feel very overwhelming as her primary support, and you may be wondering how to help her. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/men-women-difference-thinking-method/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/men-women-difference-thinking-method/ Thu, 21 Apr 2011 14:00:47 GMT A GoodTherapy.org News Summary http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/financial-infidelity-recovery/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/financial-infidelity-recovery/ Wed, 6 Apr 2011 21:59:39 GMT The word ?infidelity? is pretty common these days, with examples daily in the news. Celebrities, neighbors and friends all have a story to tell about how they have been betrayed by their partner?s sexual indiscretions. Usually we think about infidelity as sexual or emotional betrayal, being lied to and deceived by a partner in the worst way that we can imagine. But there?s another type of infidelity that is becoming more common, and that is of financial infidelity. This type of cheating pushes at the hot button for many relationships and marriages- that of money and finances. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/neglect-needs-marriage-communication/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/neglect-needs-marriage-communication/ Mon, 4 Apr 2011 14:27:36 GMT Many people in relationships feel this way, exasperated because they are doing everything they know how to do to make their partner feel loved. Couples come into my office usually at the end of their rope because they have tried, and tried, and tried to make the marriage work and nothing they have tried seems to be making it better. This is so frustrating for couples. It drains the life out of many marriages and relationships. It pushes people so hard sometimes they end up convincing themselves they just can?t make this marriage work anymore and they end up leaving. This can be frustrating and maddening for people who want to love each other but can?t find a way to do that. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/female-sexual-development-lesbian-bisexual/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/female-sexual-development-lesbian-bisexual/ Fri, 1 Apr 2011 19:54:55 GMT I love Lady Gaga for her crusade to educate the masses about the normalcy of homosexuality as well as any personality quirk that might seem to make one person stand apart from the next. Everything in her personal presentation and body of work, including her latest release ?Born this Way?, not only preaches but demonstrates the virtue of individuality, acceptance of self and others, and the beauty of expressing one?s true inner self, in whatever form it may take. I see the way she affects the ?tweens? with whom I work and I praise her for it. And although the premise of her new song is inspirational and certainly in keeping with the idea of homosexuality as a natural state, I want more. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/resources-coping-fertility-challenges/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/resources-coping-fertility-challenges/ Wed, 30 Mar 2011 20:48:54 GMT Spring has arrived. The landscape is greening up, buds are shooting through the grass, birds chirping. Longer daylight hours. Rabbits bring baskets with chocolate. All can be honky-dory at this time of nature's bounty with wildlife awakening from hibernation and bringing young into the world... http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/and-baby-makes-three/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/and-baby-makes-three/ Mon, 28 Mar 2011 14:00:46 GMT For many couples, the decision to have a child is a no-brainer. After a year or two of married life, they decide they?re ready to transition from newlyweds to parents. If they?re fortunate enough to conceive easily, a bouncing baby girl or boy usually arrives within the year. Sounds so simple doesn?t it? Well, not for those of us with chronic illness. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/early-fatherhood-development/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/early-fatherhood-development/ Fri, 25 Mar 2011 14:00:49 GMT ?Their screaming and whining has got to stop.? My back and shoulders feel like dead weight. It?s as if my emotions have dried up inside of me. Then, quickly, they flow in like a tide, then burst upward over the stiff walls and spill over and out of me like molten volcanic magma. Toddlers, tantrums, terrible. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/surviving-sexual-assault/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/surviving-sexual-assault/ Thu, 24 Mar 2011 14:00:28 GMT The recent sexual assault of CBS news reporter Lara Logan during her coverage of the February 2011 Egyptian uprising is a stark reminder that any woman is vulnerable to assault, regardless of her public status. You don?t have to travel to a distant country during political upheaval to be at risk. According to the National Violence Against Women Survey (2000), 17.6% of American women have been victims of an attempted or completed sexual assault. And while men can be sexual assault survivors, 90% of rape victims are women. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/singapore-chinese-womanhood/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/singapore-chinese-womanhood/ Tue, 22 Mar 2011 20:00:21 GMT For the longest time, being a woman, to me, meant being: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/gender-communication-gap/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/gender-communication-gap/ Wed, 9 Mar 2011 04:45:55 GMT Ava has had a hard day as Director of Nursing in a busy hospital. She changes hats from taking charge in the high paced world of health care, to being the caretaker of her six and seven year old. She drives the baby sitter to the train, prepares dinner, helps the kids with homework and showers and gets them to bed. Finally, the kids are nicely tucked away in bed, snug and warm. Ava awaits her beloved husband and ?knight in shining armor,? Ethan who will be home soon to take her into his arms, understand her frustrations, listen to her--not just her words but to her very being and to literally ?walk a mile in her moccasins?. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-complaints-resentment-communication/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-complaints-resentment-communication/ Mon, 7 Mar 2011 17:59:07 GMT This article will make it all sound so easy. And, practically speaking, it is. The act of making requests is an extremely straightforward process. Similar to the choice to forgive someone, offering a sincere request can immediately and radically alter the landscape of your long held grievances. Suddenly with a courageous wave of your hand, the chances of getting what you want from others can be tipped in your favor. It takes practice. But it's not rocket science. There are four recommended steps to follow ? described a few paragraphs down. (Go ahead and glance at them but then come back.) http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/family-sabotage-alcoholism-recovery/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/family-sabotage-alcoholism-recovery/ Mon, 28 Feb 2011 23:59:37 GMT Nothing is more discouraging in the process of ending your alcohol abuse than encountering sabotaging spouses, friends, children, colleagues, and others. But it's a common reality it pays to be prepared for. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/criticism-relationships-complaints-marriage/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/criticism-relationships-complaints-marriage/ Wed, 23 Feb 2011 20:35:14 GMT It seems that most couples struggle with criticism, though some tolerate it better than others. Nevertheless, criticism of, or from, your partner will happen periodically. This post provides an alternative way to manage criticism that may help sidestep defensiveness. Here are some common options when we want to be critical of our partner: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sexual-side-effects-antidepressant-medication/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sexual-side-effects-antidepressant-medication/ Wed, 23 Feb 2011 19:39:07 GMT Since my last blog a number of you have asked for more information about possible sexual side effects caused by antidepressants. Before I say more ? a cautionary word ? I?m a psychotherapist/counselor, not a medical doctor/psychiatrist! So what I write in this blog is drawn from my (extensive) experience working with people who have challenges and/or difficulties with sex ? I?m a sexologist, not a psycho-pharmacologist! http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/fair-fighting-couples/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/fair-fighting-couples/ Wed, 23 Feb 2011 19:18:26 GMT Conflict doesn't mean that your relationship is in trouble - it means that you are two living, thinking beings with individual opinions. Both happy and unhappy couples disagree - how can any two people share a house, jobs, in-laws, pets or kids without an occasional spat? Everyone disagrees at some point - but when do you know that things are out of hand? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/change-codependent-belief-behaviors/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/change-codependent-belief-behaviors/ Tue, 22 Feb 2011 21:50:51 GMT Before we review the behaviors we need to change, I inadvertently left off two beliefs we need to change. Click here to see Part I and to review the first seven beliefs and behaviors. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychology-love-valentines-day/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychology-love-valentines-day/ Tue, 15 Feb 2011 15:00:04 GMT A GoodTherapy.org News Summary http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/social-networks-small-talk-social-anxiety/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/social-networks-small-talk-social-anxiety/ Tue, 15 Feb 2011 07:00:57 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/ways-to-show-love-self-others/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/ways-to-show-love-self-others/ Mon, 14 Feb 2011 16:41:57 GMT Harvey is a young man who wants to do good for others; he supports his friends generously with time and advice; he likes to take care of people?but not of himself. I asked him, ?How come everybody else deserves good treatment, and you don?t? Don?t you count as much as the next guy?? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/effective-relationship-conflict-habits/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/effective-relationship-conflict-habits/ Mon, 14 Feb 2011 16:25:37 GMT There?s a distinct set of habits that are shared by almost all people who know how to get their partners to be open-minded and receptive, and thanks to decades of painstaking relationship research, we now know exactly what these habits are. If you want to succeed in love, you simply must have specific interpersonal abilities. If you have them, chances are very good that over the long haul your partner will be responsive to your wants and needs. If you don?t have them, the evidence suggests that your relationship future is likely quite dim. A detailed description of each of these habits can be found in the articles, Habits of People Who Know How to Get Their Partners to Treat Them Well --Parts I & II, and Reacting Effectively When Your Partner Says or Does Something You Don?t Like or Agree With (www.thecouplesclinic.com/resources). In the present article, I summarize five lessons we?ve learned through years of helping people develop the habits through our counseling and educational programs at the Couples Clinic and Research Institute. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/jodie-foster-the-beaver-movie-depression/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/jodie-foster-the-beaver-movie-depression/ Mon, 14 Feb 2011 07:00:59 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/raising-children-toxic-free-relationship/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/raising-children-toxic-free-relationship/ Tue, 8 Feb 2011 19:49:21 GMT What is happening in your child's body as they observe you and your partner fight it out over your latest big trust issue? If it's anything near the results taking place in your own body, they can actually taste the level of toxicity of the argument. As parents, we are hyper vigilant about the level of toxins in our children's food, playgrounds, and classrooms but we can be selectively blind to the level of toxins passed on through our relationship. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/stepparent-adjustment-blended-family/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/stepparent-adjustment-blended-family/ Tue, 8 Feb 2011 19:33:44 GMT While most of us who marry intend it to be for a lifetime, about half of all first marriages in the United States end in divorce. Divorce ends not only a couple relationship based at least initially on attraction, trust and commitment; it marks the end of a dreamed future as a family. Despite the pain that most divorces bring, the desire to be happily married doesn?t seem to end, since most of those who divorce will eventually remarry. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-addiction-can-trust-be-restored/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-addiction-can-trust-be-restored/ Sun, 6 Feb 2011 19:17:23 GMT It is devastating for a partner to find out that the person they love is battling sex addiction by losing themselves in pornography or, even worse, engaging in multiple affairs. The partner is questioning whether they even want to be in the relationship, let alone rebuild trust. However, if both are willing to do the hard work by taking a look at what each individual needs to labor through and agree to a transparent and consistent plan, trust can be rebuilt and eventually restored. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/secrets-lifetime-happy-marriage/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/secrets-lifetime-happy-marriage/ Fri, 4 Feb 2011 19:11:09 GMT Will your relationship last a lifetime? Will you and your partner enjoy each other?s company and have a deep and intimate connection, emotionally and sexually for as long as you both shall live? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/change-partner-relationship-improve/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/change-partner-relationship-improve/ Thu, 3 Feb 2011 02:36:00 GMT It?s not uncommon to hear couples say, ?I love my partner, but if he would just do___ we would be better off?, or ?I love her, but if she would only do ____ I would be happy in this relationship.? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/chronic-illness-pregnancy-decision-communication/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/chronic-illness-pregnancy-decision-communication/ Tue, 1 Feb 2011 04:06:30 GMT The Bring Your Marriage Back into Balance series is designed to inspire and equip you with the very best tools, techniques, and tips for communicating your way back into balance. Here are Part One and Part Two in the series. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/change-self-defeating-beliefs-behaviors/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/change-self-defeating-beliefs-behaviors/ Tue, 25 Jan 2011 14:42:13 GMT Now that you understand what co-dependency is and how it develops, where do you start your healing process. It involves changing some lifelong beliefs and behaviors. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychotropic-medication-decreased-libido/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychotropic-medication-decreased-libido/ Sat, 22 Jan 2011 00:36:47 GMT I often see people who are in despair because they no longer have much interest in sex ? what a current client calls her ?disappearing libido?. Is she depressed about this? You bet! Did she become more depressed when her medical doctor put her on an anti-depressant to alleviate the depressive symptoms? Quite possibly. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/first-impression-coping-phobia/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/first-impression-coping-phobia/ Fri, 21 Jan 2011 15:00:12 GMT A GoodTherapy.org News Summary http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/social-factors-overweight-media/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/social-factors-overweight-media/ Wed, 19 Jan 2011 15:00:48 GMT A GoodTherapy.org News Summary http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/couples-cancer-communication/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/couples-cancer-communication/ Tue, 18 Jan 2011 22:33:37 GMT As the final part of this series, we will look at skills that are likely to make communication with your partner more successful.  An important point to remember is that the goal of effective communication should be mutual understanding and finding a solution that works for both people (i.e., compromise), rather than ?winning? or ?being right.? Every time you win or you?re right, then, by definition, your partner loses or is wrong.  Not exactly a recipe for a successful relationship. Other points to keep in mind when trying to communicate successfully: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/emotional-sexual-communication-connection-relationships/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/emotional-sexual-communication-connection-relationships/ Thu, 13 Jan 2011 16:09:36 GMT As the New Year begins, we think about resolutions. Though couples may have resolved to have a better relationship, resolve their differences, have less conflict, it occurred to us that we don?t really ?resolve? issues in relationships. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-addict-marriage-divorce-options/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-addict-marriage-divorce-options/ Mon, 10 Jan 2011 21:44:19 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/couples-therapy-relational-psychotherapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/couples-therapy-relational-psychotherapy/ Mon, 10 Jan 2011 16:51:11 GMT A couple walks into an office for the first time. They take their seats at opposite ends of a couch. After a short flurry of legalisms, a small contract is passed out and the two steal an anxious look at one another, ?What is it we're getting ourselves into here??. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/new-year-resolustions-positive-outlook/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/new-year-resolustions-positive-outlook/ Thu, 30 Dec 2010 15:00:47 GMT A GoodTherapy.org News Summary http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/new-year-relationship-goals/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/new-year-relationship-goals/ Tue, 28 Dec 2010 17:58:13 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-holidays-relationships-couples/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-holidays-relationships-couples/ Mon, 27 Dec 2010 19:53:04 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-men-intimacy-therapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-men-intimacy-therapy/ Thu, 23 Dec 2010 18:47:53 GMT What does a sex therapist do? People often ask me what type of problems show up most often in my office. As most readers of my blog already know, I don?t like to put lots of focus on ?disorders? like ?erectile dysfunction?; and in fact most people don?t call up saying ?I have e.d.?  Most people call because they are experiencing sex addiction in some form, or because they?re having difficulties with desire or lack of desire. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/holiday-relationship-trauma-self-care/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/holiday-relationship-trauma-self-care/ Mon, 20 Dec 2010 20:51:41 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/holiday-relationship-tips/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/holiday-relationship-tips/ Mon, 20 Dec 2010 17:51:53 GMT The holiday season can be really tough on relationships and expectations. Often the holidays are times when relationship problems become the most evident. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/happiness-money-well-being-income-psychology/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/happiness-money-well-being-income-psychology/ Wed, 15 Dec 2010 07:00:43 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/depression-culture-instant-gratification-youth/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/depression-culture-instant-gratification-youth/ Tue, 14 Dec 2010 20:00:20 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/foundations-lgbt-relationship-marriage-finances-psychology-communication/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/foundations-lgbt-relationship-marriage-finances-psychology-communication/ Tue, 14 Dec 2010 19:18:02 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-self-esteem-object-relations-parenting-psychotherapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-self-esteem-object-relations-parenting-psychotherapy/ Mon, 13 Dec 2010 19:07:45 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/holidate-holiday-season-relationships-marriage-happiness/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/holidate-holiday-season-relationships-marriage-happiness/ Thu, 9 Dec 2010 23:34:55 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-marriage-communication-understanding-needs/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-marriage-communication-understanding-needs/ Tue, 7 Dec 2010 15:40:52 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/santa-artist-creative-blocks-art-therapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/santa-artist-creative-blocks-art-therapy/ Mon, 6 Dec 2010 20:40:07 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/final-phase-healing-trauma-psychotherapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/final-phase-healing-trauma-psychotherapy/ Mon, 6 Dec 2010 18:44:36 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/success-love-now-gratitude-purpose-surrender-psychotherapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/success-love-now-gratitude-purpose-surrender-psychotherapy/ Fri, 3 Dec 2010 16:04:28 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/chronic-illness-marriage-power-communication/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/chronic-illness-marriage-power-communication/ Wed, 1 Dec 2010 22:20:29 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/chronic-illness-family-psychotherapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/chronic-illness-family-psychotherapy/ Mon, 29 Nov 2010 18:13:47 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/family-holidays-expectations-disappointment-christmas/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/family-holidays-expectations-disappointment-christmas/ Fri, 19 Nov 2010 18:40:08 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/communication-intimate-partner-cancer-sexuality/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/communication-intimate-partner-cancer-sexuality/ Fri, 19 Nov 2010 18:02:10 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-marriage-trust-affair-recovery-identity-psychology/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-marriage-trust-affair-recovery-identity-psychology/ Mon, 15 Nov 2010 18:51:55 GMT It is a devastating event to discover a partner's betrayal; it strikes at the heart of many aspects of our identity. The betrayed partner may doubt their own attractiveness or their ability to judge people, and can raise questions about the fundamental goodness of the world. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/divorce-marriage-communication-internal-family-systems/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/divorce-marriage-communication-internal-family-systems/ Mon, 8 Nov 2010 18:11:30 GMT Oh no ? another couple you know is getting a divorce. Do you think it?s contagious? Are you worried that break-ups are like a virus you could catch? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/curiosity-communication-relationships-divorce/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/curiosity-communication-relationships-divorce/ Wed, 3 Nov 2010 18:44:22 GMT People who have been in long marriages or relationships get to know each other rather well. They can often anticipate what the other person might say or do or think or want......you get the picture. In loving relationships, partners might sometimes have a reliance on each other to know what each other wants without having to tell or explain....and sometimes they can and do just that. It might help them to feel loved, recognized and appreciated. The ?knowing? of the other person is experienced through a positive filter. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/communication-marriage-conflict-resolution/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/communication-marriage-conflict-resolution/ Fri, 29 Oct 2010 19:13:30 GMT What little words turn out to be provocative, with huge potential for undermining goodwill in a relationship? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/fibromyalgia-childhood-stress-body-mind-psychotherapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/fibromyalgia-childhood-stress-body-mind-psychotherapy/ Fri, 29 Oct 2010 15:55:23 GMT Starting the day with fibromyalgia pain made Vera angry http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/personality-birth-order-family-therapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/personality-birth-order-family-therapy/ Mon, 25 Oct 2010 15:55:49 GMT For generations, family members have noted the differences that naturally arise in children raised in the same family. How is it that John, the first born and only boy, seems to have such different personality characteristics than his younger brother, raised in the same house by the same parents just two years apart?  Good question! http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-addict-spouse-relationship-therapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-addict-spouse-relationship-therapy/ Mon, 25 Oct 2010 14:52:45 GMT So often when the topic of Sexual Addiction comes up, the primary focus is on the sex addict, the symptoms and causes of sex addiction, and the journey to freedom from sexual addiction.  While this is certainly a much needed focal point, something very important often gets overlooked and that is the effect sexual betrayal has on the spouse of the sex addict! Can you imagine waking up one day to find the world and spouse you thought was one thing but then realize that it is not only completely different, but that you have been betrayed! Certainly there are times when a spouse suspects or feels there is something going on, but many times, spouses are caught totally off-guard and their life feels like it is falling apart and they are all alone. In the moment, it is hard to even think about how to take the next step, let alone put a plan in place to move forward. Where this may be difficult at this point, it is important for the spouses to take care of themselves and try to avoid the downward spiral that can threaten them. Here are a few things to put in place to help on this path: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-breakup-marriage-counseling-communication/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-breakup-marriage-counseling-communication/ Fri, 22 Oct 2010 14:00:37 GMT In therapy, one of the most frequent questions I am asked is ?How do you know when it?s really over? When is it time to give up?? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/women-men-porn-addiction-intimacy-psychology/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/women-men-porn-addiction-intimacy-psychology/ Tue, 19 Oct 2010 17:15:41 GMT Since my last blog post several of you (all female) have logged onto my website and then called to express relief that I?m writing about something ? women and pornography addiction ? that many people and the popular media don?t recognize as a real problem.  The Washington Times recently published results from a 2006 Internet Filter Review poll which found that 9.4 women access adult websites each month, and 13 percent of them admit to accessing pornography at work.  And remember folks, this was 4 years ago! http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/late-man-adult-angry-identity-psychotherapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/late-man-adult-angry-identity-psychotherapy/ Tue, 19 Oct 2010 16:43:14 GMT * This blog is a follow-to Richard's previous article, "Who's in Charge - Understanding Men Today" http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/grief-decisions-depression-trauma/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/grief-decisions-depression-trauma/ Thu, 7 Oct 2010 13:33:21 GMT Sometimes, when people experience a terrible loss, especially if it?s a traumatic loss, they make a life-changing decision in the middle of the intense emotional pain, often without even realizing it or remembering it. This decision can potentially affect them for the rest of their lives, and can cause chronic depression. People do this as a way of coping with the loss. In the shock of loss, people focus very narrowly on getting through each excruciating moment. Thoughts like ?I?ll never love again? or I?ll never trust again? seem at the time like ways to avoid ever feeling this unbearable pain again. When people aren?t feeling acute pain, and are able to let other life experiences inform their decisions, they don?t usually make these kinds of grief-driven decisions. Let me give you some examples of what I mean. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-marriage-identity-three-parts/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-marriage-identity-three-parts/ Wed, 6 Oct 2010 20:30:58 GMT Is it absurd to think of a two person relationship as consisting of three parts? A couple is clearly just two. A marriage is just two and so is a partnership. So why would someone suggest you to consider the relationship in three parts? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marriage-couples-counseling-expectations-tolerance-communication/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marriage-couples-counseling-expectations-tolerance-communication/ Tue, 5 Oct 2010 15:25:11 GMT Many couples come into marriage counseling or couples counseling with numerous uncertainties, however they all have one common theme: an expectation. An expectation, an unrealistic expectation, a hope that their partner will change and thus the relationship will be satisfying. The partners are consumed with the desire for change, although each of the counterparts, seem to be unaware that in order for the relationship to become modified, the change begins with self. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/internalized-masochistic-anger-grief-relationships-therapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/internalized-masochistic-anger-grief-relationships-therapy/ Fri, 1 Oct 2010 18:48:06 GMT Byron tried hard to please but his anger got in the way http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/codependency-adult-relationships-dysfunction-family-addict/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/codependency-adult-relationships-dysfunction-family-addict/ Fri, 24 Sep 2010 17:43:54 GMT How does growing up in a dysfunctional family affect us as adults? The same behaviors and beliefs that we thought enabled us to survive as children cause us a myriad of problems in adulthood. These are so ingrained and automatic that we do them without even realizing it. Changing any of these behaviors provokes anxiety and fear in us, because we think they were a lifeline. In adulthood, they become an albatross around our necks. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/cancer-sexuality-perception-intimacy-men-women/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/cancer-sexuality-perception-intimacy-men-women/ Thu, 23 Sep 2010 20:23:23 GMT Thus far in this series, we?ve looked at the challenges people face in intimacy and sexuality when dealing with cancer. The first post provided a general overview of the topic and the second post provided more specifics regarding the effects of chemotherapy on sexuality. This post will focus on how a person?s perception of him/herself and their partner?s perception of them can influence their sexuality in the face of cancer. The majority of studies of sexuality in cancer only address those cancers involving sex organs, i.e., breast, prostate, and gynecologic cancers, hence the focus of this series. Also, there is much more literature regarding the impact on women as compared to men. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marriage-communication-voice-tone-emotional-control/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marriage-communication-voice-tone-emotional-control/ Wed, 22 Sep 2010 17:01:04 GMT In what ways does tone of voice matter? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/indirect-direct-communication-relationships-marriage/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/indirect-direct-communication-relationships-marriage/ Wed, 22 Sep 2010 16:51:13 GMT Indirect communication means hinting or acting out. For instance, if you feel disappointed, ?Hmmm? would be hinting. Stewing and pouting would be acting out what you feel instead of saying it. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/anger-stress-communication-psychotherapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/anger-stress-communication-psychotherapy/ Mon, 20 Sep 2010 16:48:23 GMT So let's say you come home from work and it was an ok day. Perhaps you have been feeling stress (a lot of work needing to be done, even though you are managing it, or family stress, the start of another school year, etc.). Ever noticed being at home and then finding yourself irritable with those around you? Maybe you find yourself reacting to what a calmer you would think, "This is not such a big deal. Why am I so upset?" This happens to me too. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/trauma-impact-relationships-psychology-love-communication/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/trauma-impact-relationships-psychology-love-communication/ Tue, 7 Sep 2010 19:54:24 GMT Most of us are aware that communication and trust are key ingredients in any relationship, yet these pivotal ingredients are often negatively impacted by the vestiges of a traumatic experience. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-addiction-pornograhpy-psychology-women/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-addiction-pornograhpy-psychology-women/ Tue, 7 Sep 2010 17:27:36 GMT In the early 2000s my colleague Al Cooper dubbed online pornography as ?the crack cocaine of sexual addiction.? He wrote about the ?three As? that spur users deeper and deeper into a pathological attachment to the mood altering experience that pornography viewers experience. The first A stands for ?Accessibility.? Users don?t have to get dressed, drive to the nearest porn shop, park, partake, drive home, etc. And the internet is open 24-7. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-relationship-enhancement-couples-monogamy-counselin/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-relationship-enhancement-couples-monogamy-counselin/ Fri, 3 Sep 2010 18:50:50 GMT Slow down and listen. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/machochistic-anger-anger-management-marriage-psycholog/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/machochistic-anger-anger-management-marriage-psycholog/ Tue, 31 Aug 2010 16:13:07 GMT Anger and hate consumed Sebastian http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mothers-abusive-relationships-counseling-psychotherapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mothers-abusive-relationships-counseling-psychotherapy/ Thu, 26 Aug 2010 19:00:39 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/couples-therapy-cooperative-dialogue/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/couples-therapy-cooperative-dialogue/ Thu, 19 Aug 2010 16:44:53 GMT Cooperative Dialogue Skills--let's unpack those words... http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychotherapy-psychological-health-effectiveness-debate/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychotherapy-psychological-health-effectiveness-debate/ Thu, 19 Aug 2010 14:00:02 GMT A GoodTherapy.org News Summary http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/social-networking-sex-addiction/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/social-networking-sex-addiction/ Thu, 12 Aug 2010 18:54:54 GMT Social Networking is a great way to connect with so many individuals! It connects you with your family, friends from the past, current friends and even allows you to make new friends. With so many benefits, are there any potential dangers with social networking? Well, not if you are someone that has good boundaries, is careful in what you share with others, and gets your emotional needs met in a healthy way. However, if you are someone that has struggled with being inappropriate on the Internet or in relationships, has received false intimacy in unhealthy places, or taken advantage of relationships for your own benefit, then social networking will most likely present some challenges! If there is not a specific focus and set boundaries on how these challenges and concerns can impact someone struggling with sexual addiction, it can open the door for a brand new set of issues. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/cancer-sexuality-intimacy-marriage-communication/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/cancer-sexuality-intimacy-marriage-communication/ Thu, 12 Aug 2010 18:05:33 GMT As noted last month, cancer treatments can have a significant effect on a person?s sexuality and desire to be intimate. Common side effects of chemotherapy include nausea, which may be worsened by sexual activity, and fatigue, which may persist for months after treatment is finished. Hair loss is another common side effect of chemotherapy, and it can be particularly distressing to women. One woman described feeling like ?an old man? because of her mastectomy and baldness. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-life-women-psychology/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-life-women-psychology/ Mon, 9 Aug 2010 16:53:12 GMT Do you want more sex more often than your partner? Or does s/he complain because you want less? In my practice as a sex and marriage therapist, I find that men are often have hyper-active desire, wanting more, while women?s interest in sex is hypo-active, wanting less. If you?re female, there is a quick and kinda cool quiz that you can take right now. Ready? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/trauma-therapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/trauma-therapy/ Thu, 5 Aug 2010 15:45:55 GMT Just as the experience of a traumatic event impacts and alters the relationship you have with yourself, such an experience also impacts your relationships with others. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marriage-partners/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marriage-partners/ Wed, 4 Aug 2010 20:38:10 GMT Marriage partners are in a sense yoked together. Couples need therefore skills for making decisions cooperatively. If they can choose together when to turn left and when to turn right neither of them will feel powered-over, dominated, controlled, or even compromised. Instead, each shared decision just enhances their loving partnership. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/communication-relationship-therapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/communication-relationship-therapy/ Mon, 2 Aug 2010 14:15:52 GMT In my practice, I see so many couples who say they are seeking help for improving their communication skills. They work so hard adding to their communication tool belt, but typically feel disappointed that their relationships don't seem to improve consistent with the number of communication techniques they've acquired. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-spirituality-therapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-spirituality-therapy/ Fri, 30 Jul 2010 19:00:13 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/love/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/love/ Fri, 30 Jul 2010 17:22:26 GMT I?m pondering on what the meaning of love is - and how we think of it as a society. This past week, I watched two movies that were designed to get us thinking about love, from two different generations. Moonstruck and Valentine?s Day were created more than twenty years apart, yet still have the same message - your life is simply better when you are in a meaningful, passionate love relationship with a partner. True Love is the goal - all consuming, never ending, absolute in its context. In both movies, the viewer is left with the idea that without love, life is a series of grays in a world of rainbow spectrums. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marriage-counseling/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marriage-counseling/ Fri, 23 Jul 2010 12:48:05 GMT What can you do to improve the chances that couples therapy is worth the time and money you put into it? In other words, what makes marriage counseling work? Of course you need the help of a skilled marriage therapist, but there are several things you can do to help make your marriage counseling a success. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-reciprocity/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-reciprocity/ Mon, 12 Jul 2010 14:28:55 GMT Most of us do not consciously think about reciprocity in our intimate relationships and when we do, we might say, "of course it is important." And as we think about the Golden Rule, we recognize it as a valuable principle to live by. Reciprocity is not something that can be exact, because what one person can do, another person cannot. The most obvious example of this dichotomy is that most women do not have the strength men have to lift and carry heavy items. On the other hand men cannot have babies and many have difficulty threading a needle. These are general and physical examples, of course, but they can help us begin thinking about reciprocity in intimate relationships. Reciprocity and cooperation are so valuable, precisely because we do have various strengths and weaknesses. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-couples-therapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-couples-therapy/ Wed, 7 Jul 2010 19:10:01 GMT All couples sometimes have different viewpoints. All couples, especially in the early years of marriage, discover areas where his way and her way differ. The challenge of becoming fully successful marriage partners is to be able to talk over each of those differences toward the goal of creating an "our way," a plan of action that truly works well for both partners. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/polyamory/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/polyamory/ Tue, 6 Jul 2010 15:06:36 GMT Most of the couples who walk into my office are monogamous, or at least aspire to have a one-on-one relationship. But some people believe that wedding vows or other exclusive agreements heap a host of unrealistic expectations on marriage. ?Open marriage? has become a term of the past - now such people usually refer to their preference for ?polyamory,? meaning ?many loves.? Coined in the early 1990?s, ?polyamory?, or ?poly? for short, provides a way for those who choose to have more than one lover to identify their life-style. This may seem a long way from most people?s lives, but my local book-store owner confirms that Catherine Liszt?s book on polys Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities continues to sell even in my relatively conservative neck of the woods! http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/heart-of-forgiveness/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/heart-of-forgiveness/ Tue, 29 Jun 2010 17:36:20 GMT Give up contention: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marriage-separation/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marriage-separation/ Wed, 23 Jun 2010 16:35:50 GMT Are you tired of intense and destructive marital arguing and want it to stop? Do you need some space to think about things more clearly? Are you thinking about a separation but are not sure how to pull it off without making things worse? Do you feel like you just need a break from all the tension? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/gender-identity-gay-families/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/gender-identity-gay-families/ Fri, 18 Jun 2010 17:36:47 GMT For years in our culture, most of us have defined family in a particular way. We assume that when we say ?family? we mean a group of people who are related by birth, adoption, and marriage. And when we say marriage, we have pictured the promised relationships between men and women. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-dating/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-dating/ Wed, 9 Jun 2010 18:01:38 GMT You are out at a bar and you met someone who is attractive, seems interesting and interested in you. He asks you for your number and you offer it up freely. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/pre-marital-counseling-wedding-vows/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/pre-marital-counseling-wedding-vows/ Fri, 4 Jun 2010 16:18:39 GMT Many couples spend more time preparing for their wedding, than for their marriage. A lot of excitement, expectation, and work goes into the creation of a wedding and couples can find themselves waking up inside a marriage lost in a kind of post-party depression not knowing how to proceed. Some couples may not even be sure how they got there. The marriage ceremony, when created and experienced consciously, is a sacred vessel that helps two people cross the threshold into their sacred union. The true power of a wedding arises from gathering family and friends who then bear witness while two people make a spoken and heartfelt commitment to each other. This community can become a support system which helps hold the vessel of a marriage together when the individuals cannot. Loved ones can offer verbal and energetic guidance, and hope, that allows each partner to find their way back to each other through troubled times. In some wedding ceremonies, the people gathered are asked to make their own commitment to the couple to be this support for them. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/communication-good-relationship/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/communication-good-relationship/ Thu, 3 Jun 2010 15:41:15 GMT When people say, "We have a great relationship,? what they're talking about is how they feel when they talk with each other. They mean, ?I feel positive toward that person when we interact. I send and I receive positive vibes with them." http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/imago-therapy-passion/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/imago-therapy-passion/ Tue, 25 May 2010 19:38:47 GMT For those of you in relationship, think back to the time when you first met your partner. You see him/her across the room, and something inside you says, she/he is the one. There is a sense of excitement and passion in you. You eventually meet and start dating. You just cannot get enough of this person and you find yourself thinking about him/her all the time. Eventually you start having sex and its passionate and really hot. Eventually you become a committed couple (for some couples it may even lead to engagement and marriage). Two years pass and one day you roll over, look at your partner and say, where did the passion go? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/building-a-great-marriage/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/building-a-great-marriage/ Fri, 21 May 2010 14:18:37 GMT Life can be lonely when it's a story of just one person. With two, there's a sense of completeness. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/interfaith-marriage/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/interfaith-marriage/ Wed, 19 May 2010 20:13:38 GMT For thousands of years, people have expected their children to marry within their family faith and culture. Family life, in its largest sense, is easier this way. Marriage partners are easier to find among shared communities like synagogues, mosques, parochial schools or parishes; families know more about each other and often form smoother in-law relationships. Religious rituals bind partners to preceding generations as well as to their future children and to one another. All the thousand small, nearly invisible connections shared faith creates helps to enable more stable marriages and thicker, stronger emotional ties between parents, children, in-laws and the larger religious community. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-relationships-unemployment/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-relationships-unemployment/ Wed, 19 May 2010 19:41:17 GMT Unemployment is a downright monster. Most often, we see a lot of support for the unemployed person - building the resume, interviewing, networking, staying busy and being positive. I certainly hope and pray that our economy improves soon and each unemployed person finds work that is fulfilling in both meaning and income. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-compromise/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-compromise/ Tue, 18 May 2010 15:14:16 GMT An Internal Family Systems Perspective http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/couples-therapy-communication/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/couples-therapy-communication/ Wed, 12 May 2010 15:16:59 GMT Do you have issues with your partner or do you have trouble getting your partner to listen to your concerns? If you feel like you are spending a lot of time nagging, you might consider this question: Do I have an issue with my partner or do I have an unmet need? The first part of this question has to do with what your partner is doing; the second part has to do with you. In my work as a couple?s therapist over the last 20 years, this question has become important in helping couples understand each other and resolve issues. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/art-of-communication/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/art-of-communication/ Fri, 30 Apr 2010 16:58:52 GMT The single most consistent cause that brings couples into my office for counseling is that their communication has broken down and they are caught in a cycle of arguing and bitterness that is steadily wearing away the stability of their connection. In this article, I want to look at the dynamics of healthy communication and offer some guidelines for finding your way to mutual understanding. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-relationship-fighting/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-relationship-fighting/ Thu, 29 Apr 2010 16:07:17 GMT Fighting verbally is an integral part of any relationship. You put at least two people together in the same place for a long period of time, and they'll fight eventually. If someone tells you that they "never" fight with their partner (especially with a big Stepford wife-like smile), mark my words they are hiding something big and oppressive underneath. "Rarely" fighting can happen, but "never" just doesn't exist. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/solution-focused-therapy-communication/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/solution-focused-therapy-communication/ Thu, 29 Apr 2010 15:07:27 GMT One of the most powerful advantages of solution-focused therapy is its ability to give the client control of his or her therapy. A client learns to see himself through his strengths, and not weaknesses; he learns to apply useful tools he already uses in an area he might never thought he would need them. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/affair-recovery/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/affair-recovery/ Tue, 20 Apr 2010 16:52:23 GMT If the most difficult words to hear are ?you?ve got cancer,? the next most jolting sentence might be ?I?ve been having an affair.? Your head spins, emotions may erupt, your emotional earth has essentially been forever shifted on its axis. Dreams are shattered, the partner or spouse you thought you knew is now a stranger, and the wound you feel is so deep like you?ll bleed forever. The betrayal seems unfathomable, the hurt indescribable, and the marital ship now navigates without a rudder. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/family-therapy-money/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/family-therapy-money/ Mon, 19 Apr 2010 20:38:35 GMT With all of our tax returns due last week, the subject of money, what we make and how we spend it, has been on all our minds. It?s never far away, of course. Managing our resources is one of the most important life skills we will ever have. And with the realities of this last recession, bank failures and job losses, upside down mortgages and eviscerated pension plans, money has been on our minds more than ever. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-relationship-foreclosure/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-relationship-foreclosure/ Wed, 14 Apr 2010 16:43:04 GMT Let's face it, these are tough times. Everyone has problems, and sometimes that means job loss and house foreclosure. But take some time to reflect on the difference between a house and a home. The house consists of the building where we eat, sleep, and watch television. Conversely, the home is where our family relationships, acceptance and love grow. We want our houses to be a certain color or style, controlled or casual, and to be safe. Our homes provide nurturance, acceptance, and safety both emotional and physical. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-experiencing-emotions/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-experiencing-emotions/ Tue, 13 Apr 2010 15:12:13 GMT Experiencing emotion is a normal part of healthy development. But for those who were traumatized as children, they may have learned to ?numb out? so as to protect themselves from their painful emotions. Although working through past abuse issues in therapy are scary, and often cause unpleasant emotions to resurface, it?s worth the effort. Doing so allows you to continue in your emotional growth which had been stunted by the trauma ? allowing you to then make growth in all areas of your life. Feelings, or the lack thereof, can allow you to either grow, or to stay where you are ? no matter how unhealthy that place may be. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-communicate-feelings/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-communicate-feelings/ Wed, 7 Apr 2010 16:30:54 GMT I don?t know about you, but I love to people-watch. Recently, I had an opportunity to watch a young couple having a meal at a restaurant. It appeared that they were in the early stages of their relationship. They sat close, arms and legs touching, whispering in each other's ears, looking into each other?s eyes, she would giggle; he would smile and squeeze her shoulders. Bliss! Perfect communication! http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/couple-therapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/couple-therapy/ Tue, 6 Apr 2010 19:01:43 GMT The Textbook of Family and Couples Therapy (at pp. 421-423) describes the three ?most common types of couples therapy?: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychology-woman-as-breadwinner/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychology-woman-as-breadwinner/ Mon, 29 Mar 2010 19:22:55 GMT When might earning more feel like making less? When it comes with the emotional baggage of being the primary breadwinner in a culture where men are expected to bring home the bacon. Earning a good income should be something to feel proud of, right? It is an accomplishment, a deserved reward for hard work. Yet many women feel conflicted about their status and ashamed of the role reversal. And this devalues their achievement. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/counseling-couples-brain-post-fight/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/counseling-couples-brain-post-fight/ Fri, 12 Mar 2010 07:00:44 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/counseling-partner-infidelity/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/counseling-partner-infidelity/ Wed, 10 Mar 2010 16:44:08 GMT In this article I want to focus on one particular aspect of recovering from an affair: punishing the offending partner. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-marriage-taxes/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-marriage-taxes/ Tue, 9 Mar 2010 20:07:55 GMT Do you and your spouse fight when you do your income taxes? Do you dread going over your expenses and income each year and so put it off until April 14? Do you brace yourself against the inevitable disagreements that come up when you talk finances with your spouse? You can keep a happy marriage during income tax season with some planning ahead. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/self-concept-breakup/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/self-concept-breakup/ Tue, 9 Mar 2010 07:00:16 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/counseling-dating-couples/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/counseling-dating-couples/ Mon, 8 Mar 2010 20:14:05 GMT Have you found someone that maybe could be the one for you? Do you wonder how to make your new relationship the best it can be? Are you spending time debating what to do with your worries or concerns about this particular person? Do you see some problems and wish you could solve them? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychology-partner-abuse/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychology-partner-abuse/ Tue, 2 Mar 2010 18:51:22 GMT Recent estimates put the annual number of intimate partner violence (IPV) incidents in the U.S. at around 8 million --- that is, 8 million men and women in the U.S. experience partner violence each year. Over the course of a lifetime, about 30% of all U.S. women and 20% of all U.S. men will experience physical, sexual or psychological abuse by an intimate partner. And that is just the reported cases. But of course, adults are not the only ones affected; during the course of a year, there are an estimated 3.3 to 10 million children exposed to violence between their parents or caregivers. Partner abuse costs the U.S. nearly $6 billion annually. Most of that is for medical and mental health treatment, but more than $700 million is for lost productivity in the workplace. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/pre-marital-counseling-relationship/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/pre-marital-counseling-relationship/ Mon, 1 Mar 2010 22:52:34 GMT Three qualities that are essential for creating a healthy, enduring relationship are: respect, friendship, and trust. When we hold respect for our partner, we foster a feeling of esteem and admiration. We feel good about who they are. We see them in a positive light. And this positive factor has been proven to be a critical determinant in the health and welfare of a couple. John Gottman, who has directed the ?Love Lab? at the University of Washington in Seattle since 1986, has a 90% accuracy rate at predicting which newlywed couples choose to stay together vs. those who divorce 4-6 years later. This exceedingly high prediction rate is based on his extensive research using observation, biofeedback, and other scientific measurements. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychology-tiger-woods-apology/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychology-tiger-woods-apology/ Mon, 22 Feb 2010 21:00:48 GMT Last week the world watched as a once adored celebrity made an intensely public apology to his family, fans and friends about his infidelity and sexual compulsions. According to news releases, most of the nation was tuned in to the newscast that featured Tiger Woods, who delivered a short monologue about how sorry he was about his sexual behaviors and infidelity. Tiger spoke about the ongoing counseling that he was engaged in, and how it was helping him with his sexual ?compulsions?. Although his mother was in attendance of the news conference, his wife Elin was conspicuously absent from the press announcement. Speculation from the country was that she was tired of her husband?s apologetic position. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychology-romance-fertility-treatment/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychology-romance-fertility-treatment/ Wed, 17 Feb 2010 18:12:50 GMT February is commonly viewed as a month for romance, love and intimacy, but it can get into the Valentine?s Day spirit when you and your partner are working hard to get pregnant and sex has started to feel like a chore. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-curses-to-blessings/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-curses-to-blessings/ Thu, 11 Feb 2010 21:03:21 GMT Horror of horrors?you?ve just caught your spouse listing his name on internet sites for meeting sexual partners. What now!! You are furious, and you let him know it in no uncertain terms. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychotherapy-nurturing-communication/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychotherapy-nurturing-communication/ Wed, 3 Feb 2010 19:44:24 GMT Relationships are so precious to us and help us form a sense of who we are. Love and respect are the foundations for healthy relationships. Even though we may have differing viewpoints, relationships can be happy and wonderful and fulfilling if we can feel nurtured, understood, and appreciated. Well-known psychotherapist, Virginia Satir, explained that, "Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible--the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family." http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-divorce-children/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-divorce-children/ Mon, 25 Jan 2010 21:14:28 GMT Your relationship with your children?s other parent has ended. It has taken some amount of soul searching after being told that your relationship is over. It may not have been an easy transition. Perhaps you have felt some combination of hurt, anger, depression, relief, guilt, uncertainty or hopefulness. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-domestic-violence/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-domestic-violence/ Fri, 22 Jan 2010 23:06:16 GMT I had been seeing ?Nicole? for almost a year. She had made remarkable progress in her efforts to overcome the abuse and neglect of her childhood and wanted to draw on her new-found insights to improve her relationship with her husband. Gradually, she was making connections between the attachment deficits from her family of origin and the ?disconnects? within her marriage. But then some things started surfacing: how her husband ?Jeff? controlled all the finances and made her ask for money; how he would get sullen and sulky for days when she made plans that didn?t include him; how he would start an argument with her just before she was leaving to go out with her friends, usually ending up with Nicole giving up and staying home; how he made light of her pursuit of a college degree and insisted she take out student loans in her name rather than use his income to pay for her books and tuition. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/family-therapy-connection/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/family-therapy-connection/ Wed, 20 Jan 2010 17:40:54 GMT Family harmony is a dream we all share. Wouldn?t it be great if we could function day to day like our favorite families on television? Sure, life would come along with a one-two punch, but because we are so connected, in sync, funny and resilient, by the end of the day we would land on our feet, together. Whether you relate more to the family of The Cosby Show, Malcolm in the Middle or Family Guy, those families always come out wiser and still united in the end. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-affair-reasons/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapy-affair-reasons/ Thu, 14 Jan 2010 20:51:40 GMT There are many reasons why an affair happens. It can rarely be narrowed down to just one thing. Sometimes it is factors in the relationship that have the greatest impact, other times it is problems within the individual. In this article I am going to talk about one common factor that can be a major contributor in an affair. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapists-conflict-resolution/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/therapists-conflict-resolution/ Wed, 13 Jan 2010 16:51:05 GMT Couples entering therapy typically want help with resolving their conflicts. They want their therapist to guide them to safe and satisfying resolution of the topics that have generated tensions between them, and they want to learn how to talk over and solve differences more effectively together in the future. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/internal-family-systems-therapy-relationship-marriage/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/internal-family-systems-therapy-relationship-marriage/ Mon, 28 Dec 2009 13:48:15 GMT You have a mate you love, you want it to be the best relationship it can be ? but things keep getting in the way. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/international-study-finds-that-marriage-is-good-for-mental-health/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/international-study-finds-that-marriage-is-good-for-mental-health/ Wed, 16 Dec 2009 15:00:26 GMT A GoodTherapy.org News Summary http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-accept-an-apology-without-making-things-worse/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-accept-an-apology-without-making-things-worse/ Mon, 7 Dec 2009 18:36:55 GMT You?ve been hurt; you?ve been wronged; you?ve been let down. And now your spouse stands with an apology. What goes on in your mind in this situation? Let?s pause the scene (a mental pause) and play out different responses. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/narrative-couples-therapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/narrative-couples-therapy/ Wed, 2 Dec 2009 19:50:13 GMT The practices of Narrative Therapy often challenge simple explanations of objective truth. Our lives are seen as multi-storied, rich with details and diverse experiences. In narrative therapy, we seek the neglected aspects of our stories that have been given less power and visibility. In my work with couples, externalization allows for the excavation of affirmative stories that are hidden beneath problems such as blame, conflict and disconnection. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/internal-family-systems-and-multicultural-couple-relationships/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/internal-family-systems-and-multicultural-couple-relationships/ Fri, 27 Nov 2009 17:19:24 GMT If you are in a multicultural marriage, you know how hard communication can be. Whether it?s about: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/thinking-during-fights-may-improve-health-marriages/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/thinking-during-fights-may-improve-health-marriages/ Fri, 27 Nov 2009 07:00:16 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/adult-attachment-styles-and-recurring-relationship-problems/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/adult-attachment-styles-and-recurring-relationship-problems/ Fri, 13 Nov 2009 22:54:06 GMT If you are one of the many out there who finds yourself in repetitive patterns of unhealthy relationships, perhaps you might benefit from identifying your attachment style ? which not only could answer some fundamental questions for you around your relationship ?triggers? but also provide clues as to why you attract certain types of people. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/hurt-by-our-partners-when-they-behave-without-malice/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/hurt-by-our-partners-when-they-behave-without-malice/ Wed, 4 Nov 2009 17:45:45 GMT If I?ve witnessed it once I?ve witnessed it a few hundred times during my years counseling couples. One partner reacts as if his self worth has been decimated by words or actions originating from his partner. The curious and perplexing aspect of observing this process unfold, relates to specific instances when from my perspective evidence of anything that smacks of criticism or judgment is as detectable as an evaporated water spot on a shirt. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/study-finds-happiness-with-children-linked-directly-to-marriage/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/study-finds-happiness-with-children-linked-directly-to-marriage/ Tue, 3 Nov 2009 07:00:20 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/you-always-hurt-the-one-you-love/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/you-always-hurt-the-one-you-love/ Sun, 1 Nov 2009 15:13:26 GMT The song from which I borrowed my title continues: ?The one you shouldn?t hurt at all.? Yet it does indeed seem to be nearly universal that we hurt, and are hurt by, those with whom we believe we are ?in love.? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/decision-making-in-relationships/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/decision-making-in-relationships/ Fri, 2 Oct 2009 15:20:24 GMT Jonathan and Michelle came to my consulting office looking for someone to help them make a decision about the upcoming holidays?especially Thanksgiving with parents. Jonathan said Thanksgiving was his mother?s favorite holiday. After dinner, she would drive the men out of ?her? kitchen. They would watch the game and she would clean up. When Jonathan and Michelle were married two years ago, Michelle was brought into the family fold and treated by his parents as one of the children. Michelle loved Jonathan?s parents but was taken aback when his mother expected her to participate in the preparation and clean up while ?the boys? watched football. Michelle wanted to relax and watch the game too. Michelle decided to go along with Jonathan?s family tradition in the first two years but began to feel resentful towards Jonathan and his family. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marriage-resentment/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marriage-resentment/ Tue, 18 Aug 2009 13:00:25 GMT As a marriage counselor, I often hear people say they are no longer in love with their partner. They really believe that they have fallen out of love. However, quite often, what has happened is that they weren?t attending to both big and small issues in their relationship, and then they were unable to resolve the issues. This is where resentment begins to pile up. And resentment is completely TOXIC to our relationships. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marriage-counseling-feedback/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/marriage-counseling-feedback/ Sat, 8 Aug 2009 10:48:54 GMT A GoodTherapy.org News Update http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/when-love-stops-working/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/when-love-stops-working/ Thu, 6 Aug 2009 15:10:51 GMT Almost everyone wants love in his or her life. It is a vital ingredient of our humanness. We are born through the bodies of our mothers, most likely have nursed on her breasts, were held, touched and attended to. We develop in connection to others. Our survival depends on our relationships. We are not designed to be without relationship. We cannot exist without them. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/difficult-marriages-take-exceptional-health-toll-on-women/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/difficult-marriages-take-exceptional-health-toll-on-women/ Mon, 3 Aug 2009 20:56:33 GMT A GoodTherapy.org News Summary http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/in-therapy-child-parent/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/in-therapy-child-parent/ Thu, 16 Jul 2009 14:09:10 GMT A GoodTherapy.org News Update http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/poor-health-and-abuse/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/poor-health-and-abuse/ Thu, 9 Jul 2009 11:30:27 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/immigrating-husbands-leave-wives-unhappy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/immigrating-husbands-leave-wives-unhappy/ Mon, 6 Jul 2009 20:53:12 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mediation-for-divorce/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mediation-for-divorce/ Wed, 1 Jul 2009 19:03:49 GMT ?I became a lawyer 20 years ago to represent children?s rights. I became a mediator to assist partners restructure their lives in the face of a divorce, and in doing so minimize the deleterious effects of separation.? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-and-rest/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-and-rest/ Mon, 29 Jun 2009 12:10:45 GMT A GoodTherapy.org News Update http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-cope-death-premature-baby/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-cope-death-premature-baby/ Wed, 10 Jun 2009 10:51:41 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/power-abuse/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/power-abuse/ Thu, 9 Apr 2009 17:24:16 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/flexible-use-of-conflict-strategies-may-escalate-anger/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/flexible-use-of-conflict-strategies-may-escalate-anger/ Sun, 29 Mar 2009 18:42:22 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-education-classes/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-education-classes/ Mon, 9 Mar 2009 19:53:38 GMT A GoodTherapy.org News Update http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-marriage/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-marriage/ Wed, 18 Feb 2009 06:01:14 GMT ?We never have sex anymore.? ?He wants it all the time.? ?I think my wife is seeing someone.? These are some of the common opening lines I hear from couples who have landed in my consultation office. Certainly, sex is not the most important component of a happy and healthy marriage. Yet it remains one of the primary signs of an unhappy or failing marriage. Some of the most common problems in the bedroom include infrequent or absent sex, extramarital affairs and addictive cybersex. The presence of any of these will, over time erode the foundation of even the strongest marriage. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-spark/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-spark/ Wed, 4 Feb 2009 01:38:17 GMT You may have a good relationship ? but miss the spark that was once there. Maybe job, kids, or financial stress has come between you, or you?ve settled into a routine. You can do a lot to get the spark back. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/yelling/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/yelling/ Mon, 6 Oct 2008 13:05:21 GMT Yelling at Children http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/couples-therapy-2/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/couples-therapy-2/ Tue, 15 Jul 2008 03:27:09 GMT What to Expect in Internal Family Sytems (IFS) Couples Therapy http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/joined-at-the-hip/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/joined-at-the-hip/ Wed, 11 Jun 2008 00:30:44 GMT Fusion is defined as the desire for two people to merge into one another in personal relationships, and refers to an immature connection to the other fueled by a fear of separation. The desire for this type of connection is motivated in part by an unconscious fantasy of bliss through unity. Eric Fromm in ?The Art of Loving? talks about immature love being like the symbiotic relationship between mother and infant. Perhaps it is a desire to retreat into a safe haven from the world that creates such a strong pull in all of us for fusion. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/hedy-schleifer/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/hedy-schleifer/ Fri, 30 May 2008 12:37:50 GMT Dear Members and Visitors to GoodTherapy.org, http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/are-you-a-fool-for-love-exploring-the-art-of-creating-intimacy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/are-you-a-fool-for-love-exploring-the-art-of-creating-intimacy/ Fri, 23 May 2008 00:37:22 GMT No one wants to be a fool, least of all a fool in love. But what of being a Fool for Love? Is there any difference? Foolishness, folly, fool-hardy. We know it all too well. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. This is true of gambling with our hard earned dollars. Might it also be true of gambling with our hard won hearts? Shouldn't we be just as careful and cautious about how, when, where, and why we choose to invest our love? And yet, we can be smart, brainy, canny, and wise in the ways of the world. Too smart to be taken in. Too smart to be trusting. Smart enough to value safety and avoidance of pain and brokenheartedness above everything else. Even with the one we love. Too smart to allow the vulnerability that open-hearted love demands. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/would-you-marry-yourself%e2%80%94-or-someone-like-you-2/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/would-you-marry-yourself%e2%80%94-or-someone-like-you-2/ Fri, 8 Feb 2008 02:53:21 GMT A glance at many magazines today will offer practical advice and ?how to? strategies for the pursuit of the man or woman of our dreams. Let?s face it?sexy tag lines and catchy subtitles make for good print copy but do little for building healthy and sound relationships. Projecting our wants, expectations or intentions onto our partners-to-be only serves to foreshadow the inevitable relational demise. It is as if we build in our own obsolescence from the very start. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/gottman-method-for-couples-counseling-marriage-therapy/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/gottman-method-for-couples-counseling-marriage-therapy/ Mon, 14 Jan 2008 03:19:34 GMT http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/would-you-marry-yourself%e2%80%94-or-someone-like-you/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/would-you-marry-yourself%e2%80%94-or-someone-like-you/ Wed, 5 Dec 2007 03:30:55 GMT A glance at many magazines today will offer practical advice and ?how to? strategies for the pursuit of the man or woman of our dreams. Let?s face it?sexy tag lines and catchy subtitles make for good print copy but do little for building healthy and sound relationships. Projecting our wants, expectations or intentions onto our partners-to-be only serves to foreshadow the inevitable relational demise. It is as if we build in our own obsolescence from the very start. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/ambivalence-in-relationships/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/ambivalence-in-relationships/ Wed, 10 Oct 2007 00:47:35 GMT This article discusses the nature of ambivalence in relationships, and the resulting dynamics. This perspective has developed over the past 20 years of working with individuals and couples, and noticing how these dynamics emerge. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/what-to-do-if-your-spouse-won%e2%80%99t-go-to-counseling/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/what-to-do-if-your-spouse-won%e2%80%99t-go-to-counseling/ Wed, 3 Oct 2007 02:19:09 GMT The scenario of one spouse recognizing that therapy might be useful to look at a troubled relationship while the other is resistant has several possible explanations. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/are-you-a-pursuer-or-a-distancer/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/are-you-a-pursuer-or-a-distancer/ Tue, 25 Sep 2007 01:43:56 GMT Jason hasn?t said much for the last few days. Sally, his wife, has talked quite a bit. Sally processes life by commenting on it verbally as it passes her by. Jason does his reflecting internally. He shares when asked, although sometimes Sally has to drag it out of him. Such is the normal ebb and flow of Jason and Sally?s marriage. It works quite well. Mostly. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-gain-control-of-the-defensive-behavior-in-our-relationship/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-gain-control-of-the-defensive-behavior-in-our-relationship/ Thu, 30 Aug 2007 23:50:30 GMT Defensive behavior is one of the leading causes of on-going painful conflicts within a relationship, the type which can lead to long term damage. Defensive behavior sends the message to your partner that their experiences and ideas are wrong, and that you are in the right. However, as you may have seen, in these situations, a well meaning defense can quickly turn into a battle where each side is unwilling to give in. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/after-the-affair/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/after-the-affair/ Thu, 23 Aug 2007 01:46:55 GMT Among the worst experiences a lover or spouse can endure is discovering that their partner either is having or has had an affair.  The sense of betrayal is so powerful that one does not think it is possible to ever get over it...ever.  Someone who feels betrayed may experience a wide array of emotions ranging from deep sadness to severe depression to murderous rage, and everything in between.  There is no correct set of feelings appropriate to this universal experience.  The effects of an affair on a relationship can similarly range from total destruction to a desire to learn from the affair and work toward strengthening the relationship.  In the words of Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, an affair can either be "a death knell or a wake-up call." http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/getting-married-soon-five-key-questions-to-ask-yourself-before-you-say-%e2%80%9ci-do%e2%80%9d/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/getting-married-soon-five-key-questions-to-ask-yourself-before-you-say-%e2%80%9ci-do%e2%80%9d/ Mon, 13 Aug 2007 00:49:05 GMT After what was hopefully at least a 2-year courtship, you now find yourself engaged. You?re excited and nervous as the big day approaches. You think you?ve got all the important questions asked and answered. Are the guests seated properly? Did we give the florist a deposit? Are all the relatives travel and lodging arrangements finalized? Has everything been done that needs to be done? While these are all important questions, many people fail to take the time to ask themselves key questions about how their life will change after they say ?I do.? Here are five key questions to ask yourself before you say those two life-altering words. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-alert-don%e2%80%99t-ignore-the-warning-signs/ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-alert-don%e2%80%99t-ignore-the-warning-signs/ Mon, 13 Aug 2007 00:39:31 GMT Just as your automobile needs regular care and maintenance, so does your relationship. Many couples ignore warning lights and other signs that their relationship is falling apart and is in need of a service call. They know something?s wrong, but ignore the problem(s) thinking it will go away. Following this philosophy with your car leads to expensive and time consuming repairs. The same viewpoint holds true for relationships?ignore the warning signs and you?ll soon find yourself in a therapist's ?repair shop? with a long overhaul ahead.