Blogging on Good Therapy

By Sarah Jenkins, MC, LPC

Click here to contact Sarah and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

At a recent event, I had the joy of watching a boy, no more than seven years old, exploring his world. His energy sparkled and his spirit was pure; he was an “old soul,” to say the least. As part of a “quest” he was asked to bring back the answer to the question “what is wisdom?” He waited patiently as my friend and I considered our reply. The answer was painstakingly difficult, and at best, only touched the surface of wisdom’s substance. “Wisdom is knowing and doing the right thing, even if it is the hardest thing to do.” Off he went, and there we stood, dumbfounded.

I continued to ponder the boy’s question, and our brief answer. I considered how often the universe asks us to do the wisest thing, which is often the thing that hurts the most. Yet, our humanness, and our desire to not suffer, or see others suffering, blocks us from doing that very thing. Instead of pushing through the pain, facing it, exploring the suffering, some chose not to do the wisest thing. It can seem counter intuitive. The wisest thing can be, in actuality, the choice that would hurt the most, initially, even if is more helpful in the long run.

Maybe you know that something in your life is not healthy, right for you, or even puts you in danger. Wisdom tells you “I need to stop this,” but the expectation of the pain from that decision over rules you. Instead of listening to your inner wisdom, you allow the fear of the suffering to take over. You do nothing, or the same thing. We do suffer, and will, but it is at the other side of suffering that wisdom develops. Wisdom comes from experiencing what is difficult, surviving it, healing from it, and ultimately, integrating what is learned. (more…)

by David Walton Earle, LPC

Click here to contact David and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Why was the TV show, Seinfeld so popular? A sitcom that was self declared about “nothing’ yet so funny, why? In the episodes, the characters never said what they really meant, were emotionally dishonest, and often played head games. Could it be the reality was life-like and in its exaggerated form, we laugh at ourselves? Was Jerry and company’s coping skills really working for them or is there a better way?

Have you ever been so mad at your employer that you did something to get even? Being late for a meeting, talking about them behind their back, being overly critical, not doing your best, spreading gossip, or taking extended lunch breaks; these are example of acting-out behavior. Where does this behavior originate and what can management do about it?

During times of conflict, there are several methods of expression; such as being aggressive, passive, passive-aggressive, or assertive. Some of these behaviors destroy relationships; only one style strengthens them; suitable for personal as well as work place environments. (more…)

by David Walton Earle, LPC

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Appeared in State Business Magazine – Winter 2003

“What is the object of education?” is a question I ask my entry-level students at the University of Phoenix. They respond with the answers that you might expect: “to learn”, “to excel”, “to extend yourself”, “to gain knowledge”. All these answers are the hopefully the result of education but just what is the object of education?

It was Charles Darwin who said, “It’s not the strongest of the species, nor the most intelligent, that survive; it the one most responsive to change.” This statement is not only the key for evolution but relates directly to the success of any business. What are the key factors required for successful change?

Is failure part of success? The great industrialist, Henry Ford said “Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently”. The former head football coach of LSU, Jerry Stovall and I had the common experience of being fired. We were discussing our mutual experiences when he made a profound observation: “I wouldn’t hire someone who hadn’t been fired”, I looked him incredulously and then he continued, “I want to see if they landed on their feet or their head!” From that object lesson, I now give myself permission to make one risky and sometime expensive new venture per year. Two years in a row the ventures have not proven successful but I know one someday will. Unless I give myself permission to fail, I will not continue trying and ultimately never reach the rewards of these calculated risks. (more…)

Stefanie Luna, LMFT

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When it comes to the holidays are you thinking “I’ll just be glad when it’s all over with”? You’re not alone. Many people believe that we’ve gotten away from the true meaning of the season, with consumerism and unrealistic expectations taking all the fun out of things. But that’s not at all why you’re dreading the holidays this year, is it? Have the holidays become “hollow days” because you don’t have children yet?

The holiday season means different things to us over the years. As a child it is a time of wonder and excitement. Everything seems to have a special sparkle about it. As a college student it is that welcome break that follows all night study sessions, term papers and final exams. Oh yeah, and a time to eat mom’s home cooking. It is a time of spiritual preparation and reflection and a time to realign priorities. And as adults we get the opportunity to rediscover magic through our children. But, when you long to be a parent, the holidays can become a painful reminder of what’s missing in your life. Holiday traditions can seem hollow and empty without a child to share them with.

It’s no wonder those struggling to build a family find themselves feeling increasingly stressed and sad as the holidays approach. Here are some tips to help you get through the next month and maybe even experience some joy along the way. (more…)

by Pamela Simmons, LPC

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It happens every week. I walk into the bathroom. There is no toilet paper on the roller. The good news is there is a new roll of toilet paper sitting right on top of the roller! Does anyone else face this dilemma? At church last Sunday, among the four of us talking, three of us are the official and only changers of the toilet paper in the house. One woman said she walked into her daughters’ bathroom and found three rolls stacked on an empty roller. Changing the toilet paper is probably the easiest of household chores, so those of us allocated that responsibility should be relieved. Instead we are annoyed. Does no one else know how to do it? Is it too much to expect that one could put a new roll of toilet paper on the roller? It’s a brainless job.
For many a mom, taking care of the home is a form of loving our families and we find joy in it. BUT—are we creating monsters of the next generation who will enter marriages expecting Hilda Housekeeper to take care of everything? Are our children and husbands blind about all we do and then cannot function when we are gone? How do we handle this? This is more than toilet paper. The issue is not the tissue. This is about the balance of power and balance of managing a home. Many couple and family fights are about chores. How do we as families address the notion of community responsibility, roles and expectations? There is a way not to do it and a way to do. (more…)

by David Walton Earle, LPC

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Use anger correctly and positive results can happen! This statement is very shocking, for it is in direct contradiction with experience. Most people have witnessed the sharp and cutting blade of anger as it slashes and cuts its victims and have experienced the unresolved anger that creates emotional distance be-tween themselves and their loved ones. It is natural to experience anger, but how can it achieve positive results?

When anger destroys a relationship, it was not used correctly. When the ex-pression of anger works in a positive direction, it clarifies to others the bounda-ries necessary for all successful and healthy relationships. Anger communicates a warning that a perceived violation has occurred and provides the necessary energy to do what is necessary to correct the situation. As strange as it may ap-pear, without anger there can be no successful relationships! (more…)

by Elisha Goldstein, PhD

More and more it seems like life can be so hectic. It’s as if we purposely overload ourselves with more things than we could possibly ever accomplish. Sometimes as I’m going to sleep I think about all the things I need to get done and when I’m awake during the day I think about all the things that need to get done. Take a shower, make coffee, eat breakfast, brush my teeth, go to work, etc… It’s almost as if at the end of the day I can truly ask myself, “where did the day go?” Enough of these and I can ask myself the same questions in weeks, months, or even years!

So when I feel like these questions are coming up, I do some brief exercises that help bring me to the present moment and remind myself that I’m living. (more…)

written by Janice Feuerhelm, LPC

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Chronic pain affects millions of people worldwide. Chronic pain is different than acute pain. Chronic pain is pain that continues long after the original cause. Chronic pain also has a psychological component that affects every area of one’s life. The challenge of living with chronic pain can create depression, difficulty with family/friend relationships, loss of job, financial losses and a loss of self-worth.

During my counseling experiences with individuals living with chronic pain, I have discovered that there are key healthy attitudes that help someone learn how to cope and live with chronic pain. I teach persons’ with chronic pain how to adopt these attitudes and have had the pleasure of witnessing many reclaim their life again, in spite of chronic pain.

The following are three attitudes that CAN make a difference when living with chronic pain: (more…)

written by Jeanine Austin, Ph.D.

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I saw a commercial today that made me laugh aloud. A man was beginning his day while a chorus of exuberant, if not completely over-the-top dancers, sang his day’s praises. The man walked outside, admired his beautiful home and smiled happily at his steaming coffee. Suddenly, a giant tree branch fell on his car and completely crushed it.

Many of us have had the feeling of the magical in life and then something happens and we completely lose our mojo. Just like that, the ordinary, mundane and unpleasant has returned to be the focal point of our experience.

On the other hand, most of us can also relate to the feeling of the magical; suddenly our ordinary life takes on extra-ordinary qualities. Unfortunately, these experiences are often fleeting. (more…)

Written by Anne Cuthbert, M.A. LPC

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I love peanut butter. As a kid, I used to eat it out of the jar, spoon first. Although I grew out of the spoon phase, I still love it with bread and honey, with chocolate and in nearly any candy bar. What I never did know about my love for peanut butter, is that it made me sick. I was so out of touch with my body and the effect of food on my body that I never realized that the sick feeling in my stomach was the result of the food I just ate. It took time of working on my food and body issues to put it together and even longer to realize that my tummy rejects peanut butter only when I have eaten more than my body can handle. This is good to know because now, when I get that sick feeling, I just stop eating peanut butter for a while and then I can eat it again. Of course, I always have the choice to eat it, and sometimes I do choose it, even when I know I may not like how I feel later. But, I have a choice and the choice is mine.

Although the above does not fully demonstrate why diets don’t work, it does show the result of dieting and/or listening to what others tell us to eat. (more…)

Written by Debra L. Kaplan, MA, LAC, LISAC

Click here to contact Debra and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

A glance at many magazines today will offer practical advice and “how to” strategies for the pursuit of the man or woman of our dreams. Let’s face it—sexy tag lines and catchy subtitles make for good print copy but do little for building healthy and sound relationships. Projecting our wants, expectations or intentions onto our partners-to-be only serves to foreshadow the inevitable relational demise. It is as if we build in our own obsolescence from the very start.

How is that possible you may ask, “when I’m doing all the right things, paying close attention to selecting my partner, and looking at what he or she has to offer the relationship?” I admit that these words sound counter intuitive, however, first consider this proposition.

Would you marry yourself or someone like you? Do you like the person you are and what you have to offer, enough to marry yourself?

Some time ago, I put this question to a client. During our session, in his plunge toward self pity, he began to lament the state of his personal affairs citing one futile relationship after another. “I don’t know what else to do.” With exasperation he cynically sneered, “Just when I think I’ve found someone ‘special’ and things are going ‘swell’, she leaves me. How does this happen that I pick the same women who cheat on me time after time?”

That’s when I asked him to humor me since I was about to ask him a question that might strike him as weird. “You’re right that is a weird question—“Geez, no, I wouldn’t marry anyone like me!” He went on to state that he was amazed that anyone liked him at all. That response or a variation of its kind often followed when I posed that same question to clients.

Our courage to look inward at our own fallibility and dark side will go a long way toward building the healthy relationships we desire; not just in romantic expression but in all the personal interactions of our lives. To know one’s dark side is to embrace the aspects within about which we feel shame or guilt. While our tendency might be to bury or dismiss those parts of ourselves that we don’t want to acknowledge, this deep seated inner truth will only serve to undermine any positive changes and inner strength we strive toward.

Initially our tendency might be to assess what our partners bring to the proverbial party without assessing what we have to offer. Are we that emotionally available person we are seeking? Do we remain open to constructive criticism and risk being known or do we defend ourselves into isolation staunchly committed to defending our self-righteous deception? Is it okay to be lonely just as long as “I’m not wrong?”

These are the hard yet essential questions to be answered. Only when we like the person we are and work toward becoming will we attract that very same energy which we seek in others. The journey to know spiritual peace and fulfillment is an inside out endeavor.

That first step begins by defining what we want to change about ourselves and being honest about who we are. If you don’t really know what it is you want to change about yourself because you are too close for honest introspection, start with observing behavior in others that we find uncomfortable or unpleasant. These behaviors that we observe in others acts as our reflective internal barometer. In essence by being willing to note these unlikable behaviors in others we are facing reflections of our true selves and that is a good indication that we are ignoring who we truly are.

The initial work in defining what we want to change takes an honest assessment of our most rejected parts of ourselves. It is easier to seek the completion of ourselves and acquire what we believe we inherently lack than to actually empower it from within. How often are we drawn to attractive people while believing deep down that we ourselves are not as good looking or unattractive? When we accept and love our qualities without seeking to acquire them, we form the strongest foundation for intimacy.

By beginning with that one simple but profound step we begin the enlightened journey toward feeling inner peace and fulfillment. As propositions go there is no better partner with whom you can say, “I do!”

©Copyright 2007 Debra L. Kaplan, MA, LAC, LISAC. MAC All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Debra and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Written by Tanya Vallianos MA, LPC, ATR

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The holiday season can be a challenging time for most anyone as the stresses of finances, increased demands of time and tasks, and unrealistic expectations show themselves in a grand way. Furthermore, if you are a person that is working through feelings of grief at this time, everything can become compounded.

The holidays can create feelings of depression, loneliness, and anxiety for the bereaved as they remember past events. Holidays by nature are filled with nostalgia, tradition and ritual, but for those grieving, this can bring up conflicted feelings of both comfort and distress as the absence of the deceased becomes more apparent. As the rest of the world is celebrating, it’s important for grieving individuals to acknowledge their emotional pain and get through the season with a minimum amount of stress. Being able to express ones grief verbally can be difficult. Art expression, as a non-verbal modality, can be an effective way of working through and containing grief when words fall short.

Throughout history, art making has been a means by which humans have expressed their grief. Whether through burial ceremonies, shrines, or memorials, the symbols that represent loss have been important for coping and relieving emotional distress.

Creativity can be a way to feel the sadness, anger and loss as well as the remembrance of times past in all their imperfections and grace, while taking time to understand oneself in the context of the whole. Overwhelming thoughts and feelings can be captured in the images thereby creating a new sense of control, organization, and containment. Focusing on the images or symbols enables a person to express stressful emotions without having to refer directly to details surrounding the loss. (more…)

Written by Jeanine Austin, Ph.D.

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It is difficult when we find ourselves dealing with a situation that we would never want consciously to create. These days, when many believe that we create our total reality, we may feel guilty if our life seems to contain aspects in it which are untoward. Whether we have stubbed our toe or are facing a terminal cancer diagnosis, we may wonder why these unpleasant elements have manifested in our lives. Did we create this? Are we vibrationally unfit?

With the popularity of the movie “The Secret”, which is about the Law of Attraction (L.o.A.), we may be tempted to blame ourselves or others when certain things have manifested in one’s life. While the Law of Attraction does have its place in the scheme of our life, it is just one of many life laws. We may unconsciously use blame as a way to distance ourselves from others who are suffering. Some may even think or actually say to sufferers, “Well, you manifested that”. Ester and Jerry Hicks (Abraham) who first formally began discussing the Law of Attraction would never wish that the Law of Attraction concept be utilized to rationalize callousness or unkindness. While we want to be aware of the power we have in attracting into our lives the elements that we wish for, ultimately attracting what we want and becoming more actualized beings through contrast is also a powerful force. Most of us will relate to the seemingly paradoxical force of creating and becoming through contrast. Some metaphysicians believe that we may have asked before our birth that we be in challenging contrasting roles so that we may have opportunities to work through karma and/or to “get off the karmic wheel” altogether through the force of challenge. This idea is similar to that of a body builder who pushes her muscles against the contrasting force of weight encouraging her muscles to grow bigger and stronger. Most of us know that when we work through difficulties, we have the opportunity to become more compassionate, stronger, smarter and more actualized beings… (more…)

Written by Jeffrey Chernin, Ph.D., LMFT

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When you’re in a vicious cycle, you do something which causes you to feel bad. Feeling bad can lead to poor self-care, which can lead to wanting to get away from the bad feelings that result, which can cause you to do things that make you feel worse, and so on. This cycle lead to an ongoing chain of unhealthy choices and behaviors.

How do you overcome this type of ingrained pattern? The Adaptive Spiral, an idea which developed organically through my practice, is a new way for you to think about growth, especially in regard to overcoming a vicious cycle.

The chain starts when certain “coping strategies” (actions and perceptions) that got you through the minefields of childhood are left unchecked. These strategies go from being adaptive in childhood to maladaptive as an adult, often locking you into unsatisfying relationships and frustrating patterns. Let’s turn to elements of the spiral and see how each one can help you to overcome old patterns.

Elements of the Adaptive Spiral

Growth along the spiral includes visiting the same places but at deeper levels of awareness, new types of understanding, and different perspectives. Since growth doesn’t exist in a straight line, it also includes steps forward as well as back.

The seven elements of the adaptive spiral are: (more…)

Written by by Debra L. Kaplan, MA, LAC, LISAC

Click here to contact Debra and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

From birth onward we begin the enduring act of maturing and experientially processing interaction. At birth our emotions are open and vulnerable but most importantly we are present and living in the moment. A baby instinctively cries without delay when sensing hunger, dampness from a dirty bottom, or generalized pain and discomfort.

As we mature our emotions are woven into our personal filters that evolve from our internal and external exchanges that take place in our lives. This offers much in the way of an explanation as to how our filters develop and how our internal emotions are harnessed in an effort to welcome life or yoked to keep them at arms length. Early on, if we learn trust and consistency our fragile, developing egos are comforted and eased by knowing that our needs will be met. The silent message delivered is safety and trust. In the absence of such nurturance we may learn to distrust or expect disappointment. Hence our core emotion of fear becomes ever present and accounted for by expected let-downs or anticipated wrongs to be brought against us…. (more…)

Written by Rod Louden, M.A., MFT

With every emotional and/or physical painful experience in life, you have the opportunity to write and store knowledge about pain. You add new volumes every year. Moments of unhappiness, confusion, failure, depression, and the act of making the same mistakes over and over, all present the opportunity for you to write and store productive knowledge about pain. The problem is that most people, who continuously struggle in relationships and life, create volumes of false and misleading information about emotional pain.

Documenting knowledge about pain began from the moment you were forced out into this world from your mother’s womb and felt that sharp slap across your bottom. With this slap, you were introduced to a harsh reality of our world: it is full of painful experiences.

If you’re like most people, the word pain is viewed in negative light. It has several friends that hang around with it: hurt, ache, suffering, and agony to name a few. The origin for pains “reputation” comes from our early learning experiences with physical pain… (more…)

Written by Tracy Becker, LPC

“Everyone speaks on it, yet who has known it?” ~Suzanne Curchod Necker (1739-1794)

When I first thought of writing about bliss, I thought no problem, this is easy enough. Yet the more I thought about bliss the more doubt I developed. Sure I’ve had, what I call, blissful moments and experiences, yet what do I really know about BLISS? Thus began the past several months’ adventure of asking others what their thoughts and experiences are with bliss.

Bliss has been described to me as times when we are able to be present in the moment, a feeling of resting in a Big Aaaahhh, a heart filled full and overflowing with love for another, being awed by the beauty and tranquility of nature, and an overall sense of wellbeing. Everyone I spoke to felt that bliss is not lasting. One can experience bliss in moments like when you fall into your bed, with fresh clean sheets, after a long and fulfilling day. Others have experienced bliss that last hours and at times days. For example, an evening spent in love and laughter with trusted friends, or while on a spiritual retreat where your body, mind and spirit are constantly being nurtured and renewed. My friend Wendy says that bliss exists anytime she remembers to connect with it. While Mangala, being raised in the Buddhist country of Sri Lanka, says that bliss is everywhere all the time, one just needs a conscious moment to find it. Some believe that bliss is fleeting because we as humans couldn’t comprehend a constant state of bliss. While others say blissful experiences are more meaningful because they are short lived, i.e., without darkness one can not appreciate the light. Yet overall people shared that bliss is a feeling of being connected: connected in a spiritual sense (to God, Spirit, Self and nature); connected to loved ones (including our pets); and the connection parents feel toward their children are all ways we tap into bliss… (more…)

Written by Karen Golob, CCDC, CAMF, CH

Listening can be difficult. It requires us to tune into more than the actual words and includes gestures, body language and the ability to focus our attention and concentration on someone other than ourselves.

How often have you talked to someone on the phone and realized that they were multi-tasking and preoccupied during the conversation.
Were they really listening? Probably not.

Are you someone who occasionally tunes out when taking to another person because you are anxious to come up with your opinion and thoughts? Are you really listening? Probably not.

Do you tend to occasionally tune out when someone is talking to you and do not hear what was said because your mind drifts to something totally unrelated? Are you really listening? Absolutely not.

There are four key communication skills for improving interpersonal relations that require listening. They are: (more…)

Written by Anne K. Crothers, M.Ed.

Traveling in Thailand meant adapting to changes. Like every other human, I find that difficult. I expected to miss the big things in my American routine: brewed coffee and toilets that you can sit down on. I was caught off guard by my strong reaction to the little changes. The Thai lack of napkins made every meal a little uncomfortable.

My “good girl” habit of placing my napkin neatly in my lap is apparently indelibly ingrained in my soul. I found myself plastering my lap with Kleenex, anything, so that I could get on with my meal. On one sordid occasion, I sunk as low as toilet paper.

As a therapist, I am constantly asking my clients to consider making changes, big and little shifts, in their lives. “Be nicer to yourself”. “Ask for what you need”. “Use ‘I’ statements”. “Make time for yourself”. These words are easy to say, and I say them well. But my napkin addiction helps to remind me of how comfortable, how pleasantly familiar our habits are, even our bad habits. (more…)

Written by Mary DuParri, MA, LPC

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Are there parts of yourself that you do not like? Do you sometimes wish that you did not have an angry part or a shy part or some other part that gets in the way of you being who you want to be? Do you feel, at times, that you have been hijacked by your emotions or that you are reacting to things in extreme ways that do not reflect who you really are?

Most of us have parts like that. We have parts that may be triggered by circumstances, by other people or by issues from the past. We have parts that silence us though we say we want to be assertive. We have parts that help us stay unnoticed though we feel lonely. We have parts that push us so hard to work and be successful that we barely have time for fun. Or, parts that push so much toward fun that we have a hard time following through and being successful at work or school. We have parts of self that worry too much and get anxious, or parts that get angry or sad more often than we like. We have parts that cry too much, eat or drink too much or sleep too much.

Many of us try numerous ways to get rid of these negative parts of ourselves. We try ignoring them. We try distracting ourselves with positive thoughts or activities. We set personal goals and create steps to reach them. We get motivated and focused and decide that once and for all we are going to overcome our negative traits. And somehow, the traits keep coming back.

Do you wonder why, though we are smart and well intentioned, we cannot get rid of these negative parts of self? (more…)