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Written by Irene Oudyk-Suk, MSW, RSW

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Think back to the last fight you had with your spouse. Put aside the “what” you were fighting about and zero in on how you felt. Were you “flooded” with intense emotion? Did you feel physically overwhelmed? Were your muscles tense, your palms sweaty? Was your heart pounding, your face hot and flushed? Was it difficult to think clearly? Did you attack your partner in a manner you later regretted?

It was almost as if you were face to face with a saber-toothed tiger!

And in fact, your body was reacting as if your partner was a man-(or woman) eating tiger. As conflict escalates, your brain automatically floods the body with adrenalin and other hormones to prepare you to either fight or flee. Reason and logic fly out the window. After all, when it comes to a dangerous tiger, common sense takes second place to survival.

But, of course, your spouse is not a saber-toothed tiger. And when you and your partner find yourself in this situation, no resolution is possible until you get over the “fight or flee” reaction to conflict.

Marital researcher Dr. John Gottman recommends that couples both learn to recognize the physical signs of emotional flooding, and agree ahead of time to take at least a twenty-minute break when they sense such flooding. Why? Because it takes at least 20 minutes for the fight or flee hormones to subside once the body no longer senses danger. The break works even better if you do something relaxing instead of rehearsing how you will take up the argument again.

Once your body has returned to normal, find your partner and continue the discussion. If your partner has also calmed down you will be in a much better position to have a productive conversation instead of an argument.

©Copyright 2007 Irene Oudyk-Suk, MSW, RSW
All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.
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Written by Pamela Simmons, LPC, LPC-S

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A love affair can be a wondrous thing unless one is presently married. Though it may be an enjoyable experience for the unfaithful spouse, it is a disillusioning experience for the betrayed spouse. Many very difficult questions arise if the couple decides that they would like to recover and live productively after the affair. Step one is to stop all contact with the lover and begin the healing process at home; healing can happen, but it involves teamwork and takes time. Ups and downs are normal and to be expected. Just as things are looking up, a reminder of the affair can happen and create a downward spiral… (more…)

Written by Lisa Brookes Kift, Marriage & Family Therapist Intern

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One thing I notice in a lot of couples who come through my door is a lack of balance in their relationship. What do I mean by this? When two people come together there are now three parts to this system; “you,” “me,” and “we.” Imagine if you draw two overlapping circles. There are three parts – the individual pieces on the sides and the overlapping piece in the middle. The outer parts represent each person and the middle is where they join in relationship. Every relationship will look slightly different on paper in where the emphasis is.

On one end of the continuum will be the couple where each person essentially lives a separate life with different friends, few mutual decisions and little time spent together. I once had a couple who literally never sat down to eat with one another and had separate bedrooms. On paper, this couple would be drawn as two separate circles next to each other with no overlap. Essentially, they are extremely “you” and “me” focused with no “we.” In this scenario, one partner often desires more togetherness with the other but their mate possibly fears intimacy and a perceived loss of their independence.

On the other side, there’s the couple who spends as much time as humanly possible together, with no outside friendships or interests. They are totally enmeshed in one another. They live “as one.” The circles would be almost totally overlapping each other, with most of the focus on “we” and very little, if any “you” and “me.” Sometimes, this can be the dynamic in a controlling relationship where one person pulls the other one in very close to maintain control.

The previous examples are extreme and the reality is that most people fall somewhere in the middle. It’s important to mention that these balance styles may work for some people and if it does, that’s wonderful. However, in my experience, I find that the most content couples are those whose circles overlap in the middle, where there is equal attention paid to “you,” “me” and “we.” Each partner is able to maintain their own identity, friends, hobbies and outside interests while nurturing the relationship. A personally fulfilled person can be more open, giving and loving to their partner than one who has lost their identity. The relationship is where they come together to share their friendship, intimacy, struggles, mutual friends, hopes dreams, meals and bills.

When I work with couples, I always assess their relationship balance and whether it’s working for them both. If it’s not, it first must be understood why they operate that way. There are many reasons that motivate people towards the various styles including family of origin experience (what did their parents do?), fear of engulfment or the opposite, fear of abandonment. The next step is figuring out what they can do differently to create more balance. Often it involves increased awareness, better communication and behavioral change. Ideally, the end result is the two overlapping circles that validate all three parts – the “you,” the “me” and the “we.”

©Copyright 2007 Lisa Brookes Kift, Marriage & Family Therapist Intern All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. The article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Click here to contact Lisa and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Written by Jennine Estes, Marriage and Family Therapist Intern

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Defensive behavior is one of the leading causes of on-going painful conflicts within a relationship, the type which can lead to long term damage. Defensive behavior sends the message to your partner that their experiences and ideas are wrong, and that you are in the right. However, as you may have seen, in these situations, a well meaning defense can quickly turn into a battle where each side is unwilling to give in.

The Communication Battle Attack: History is full of those moments when a true defense was necessary. In romantic medieval times, when a person was attacked, they defended themselves. They pulled out their armor, a shield and sword, and prepared to do battle. This response was due their desire to protect their own safety. Thinking back to the previous situation, when during an interchange if your partner is in a defensive position, it is generally because they don’t feel safe and possibly feel attacked. This leads them to put on their armor for their own protection, and then pick up their own sword and attack. This situation is what I call a “Communication Battle.” Situations such as these break down the family unit and place the combatants on opposing sides, fighting against each other in a vicious pattern, one that creates little positive communication.

Defensive behaviors can also be a sign of deeper communication issues. Sometimes, no matter how carefully someone addresses an issue with you, you automatically go into defense mode. This common response is often learned at a young age; when tough situations arise, each of us naturally reacts in a certain way. This reaction becomes a crutch to help us through situations where we need help coping with our own insecurities. However, we often become dependant on our crutches, and choose to keep them around far longer than they are actually needed. If this sounds like you, it will take more of an effort to remove the crutch and change this behavior. (more…)

Written by J Patrick Ware, MD

I was recently asked to share some reflections on the nature of conflict and spirituality. The following are some of those thoughts.

If the absence of conflict is peace then one could reasonably imagine that any entity which encourages or enhances peace may reduce or eliminate conflict. In any argument, if common ground can be developed between the opposing parties, the original investment in the issues of contention usually fade – the clear basis of negotiation/arbitration. This is especially true if the development of each party’s interest and/or investment in the area of commonality is rewarding as much as or perhaps even more than the parties original expectation concerning their initial areas of conflicted interest(s). Moreover, what if the experience of peace or contentment derived from the discovered areas of commonality are significantly beyond any level of “pleasure” from the pursuit of and/or acquisition of satisfaction previously contemplated. (more…)

Written by Mary DuParri, MA, LPC

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Anyone who has experienced a breach of trust knows the pain and confusion of trying to rebuild it.  Many couples and families have experienced situations in their lives that lead to the loss of trust in someone.  It can be a fairly minor incident, like a teen being late for a few too many curfews, or it can be major, like an infidelity in a relationship.  The person who lied feels they can never do enough to be trusted again.  The one who was lied to feels they would be foolish to become too accepting, too soon. Here are some guidelines that can help in rebuilding trust: (more…)

Written by Risa Davis-Ganel, LCMFT

When it comes to your own marriage, is it better to be an expert or a scholar?

You might find yourself frequently thinking “I know what he will say” or “I know she doesn’t want to do that”. You have come to “know” your partner so well you believe you know what he/she thinks, wants, likes, dislikes, desires, or needs. She likes to have vanilla ice cream with chocolate sprinkles for dessert every Friday. She likes to line dance but would never want to go to a NASCAR race. He watches Late Night with Letterman every evening and prefers Italian food to sushi, but he would never go to a yoga class. Spending years with one person does provide the comfort of the familiar. Predictability offers order in our chaotic world. However, knowing someone, really knowing him includes accepting that he will change and grow.  It means being willing to discover her anew as the years go by. (more…)

Written by By Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

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Among the worst experiences a lover or spouse can endure is discovering that their partner either is having or has had an affair.  The sense of betrayal is so powerful that one does not think it is possible to ever get over it…ever.  Someone who feels betrayed may experience a wide array of emotions ranging from deep sadness to severe depression to murderous rage, and everything in between.  There is no correct set of feelings appropriate to this universal experience.  The effects of an affair on a relationship can similarly range from total destruction to a desire to learn from the affair and work toward strengthening the relationship.  In the words of Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, an affair can either be “a death knell or a wake-up call.”

Frequently, patients may say to me that they are considering having an affair.  They may either have someone in mind, or they may be simply musing about the possibility.  Invariably, however, there is some underlying issue that is driving these thoughts. Why else would they be willing to violate their commitment vows for a one-night stand?  A one-night stand leaves the relationship altered in some way even if one is not caught.  It leaves the unfaithful partner living a lie that will affect the relationship.  I suggest that instead of acting on the fantasy, they discuss their discontent with their spouse, putting the issues on the table, and begin the process of working toward resolution before it is too late.   The fantasy, itself, can be a wake-up call, letting the partners know that all is not well on the home front. 

When an affair has already been consummated, however, it is difficult to get through the pain and anguish of the betrayal to look at the nature of the relationship that may have set the stage for the affair.  All too often, this examination is experienced by the betrayed party as putting the responsibility on him or her rather than on the unfaithful partner.  Nonetheless, if a couple has decided that they want to remain together despite the affair, this examination becomes part of the healing process.

To be sure, it is much easier to turn one’s back on a relationship that has been damaged by an affair than to move toward getting beyond the pain to examine the relationship.  It takes consider-able courage and determination to rebuild trust, examine one’s own contribution to the state of the union, and to put in the required effort to make the relationship work.  Similarly, it takes great humility on the part of the unfaithful party to face his or her shortcomings, character failings, and fears to overcome the guilt for having inflicted such harm on one’s partner, and move for-ward to earn forgiveness. (more…)

Written by Alethea Smith-Withers, M.Div., D.Min.

Some years ago, I performed a wedding ceremony for a young African-American man and woman.  They are a striking couple.  The man, James, is an attorney and the woman, Ria, is a nurse practitioner.  They are ambitious, well-educated and dynamic young adults.  They like to travel and both are runners and have done a marathon together.  During pre-marital counseling, they shared that they wanted to wait for at least two years before they had children.  Both James and Ria seemed happy with their decision.  James was pleased because he said that he wanted to buy a house before they had children.  Ria expressed relief about not having children and she talked about needing time to develop professionally.  I sensed there was more that needed to be said and explored.  However, in the face of such seeming satisfaction, I initially thought there was little that I could add as the pastoral counselor.  I asked a few questions and somehow they shifted the focus to benign concerns about housekeeping responsibilities. They eventually married as planned.  But seven months later, they asked to see me for a few Couples Sessions.  They had heard that I had completed Imago Relationship training and were interested in experiencing the Imago, a unique approach to couples counseling.  During the first Couples Session, I introduced James and Ria to the Intentional Couples Dialogue and explained the three distinct steps and the gift that is a part of the process: (more…)

Written By Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

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Historically, the focus of all psychotherapies has been on curing various forms of mental disturbances, including  maladaptive behavior, cognitive distortions, personality disorders, chemical imbalances, genetic predisposition, and so on.  For the most part, the various psychotherapeutic approaches focus on ameliorating discomfort, re-structuring the personality or re-educating an individual, and changing maladaptive thought processes or behav-ior, in order that an individual might live a happier and more fulfilling life.  Generally speaking, this approach follows what might be called a disease or pathology model.  Similar to most of Western medicine, it focuses on what’s wrong with an individual, seeking to remedy a disease or problem.

However, medicine is undergoing a transformation in which the focus is more on disease prevention and health maintenance than only curing disease when it occurs.  Researchers are investigating the value of vitamin sup-plements, acupuncture, nutrients, herbal medicine, fiber, exercise, meditation, and spirituality, to name but a few approaches to disease prevention.  Homeopathic remedies are being viewed in a new light for the first time since the discovery of penicillin.  As our life expectancy increases, we want to live healthier lives not just longer lives. 

A similar transformation is taking place in the field of mental health. (more…)

Written by Lisa Brookes Kift, M.A., Marriage & Family Therapist Registered Intern

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Couples seek relationship counseling for numerous reasons. As a professional who works with many different couples with a variety of issues, I’ve identified one similar thread that runs through all of them. Their relationships lack in varying degrees of “emotional safety.” Typically, the couples who present as the most hostile, distant, angry, disengaged or otherwise dysfunctional are the least emotionally safe together. Even people who come for counseling who have less glaring issues can benefit from a tune-up in this area.

So what is “emotional safety” in a relationship? (more…)

Written by Nancy Poitou, M.A., M.F.T, C.T.S.

Unfortunately we do not have enough pronouns and saying he or she, or s/he is clumsy. In this article it may sound as though I am characterizing men and women in different ways. I want to be clear that the examples I use, men do this and women do that are only for ease of reading. Both sexes make the mistakes and do the behaviors I describe. I have chosen pronouns by which sex seems to lean toward that particular behavior more often.

As a relationship therapist I have made observations of the troubled relationships in my practice. Non-professionals do not get any training or education in relationships or parenting unless they seek it out or come to a therapist’s office when in crisis. Yet these are two of the most important roles in life. The only examples a person has in life is their parents and if those role models were not good, that means that people not only do not have an understanding but may be starting out in life with a misunderstanding of relationships. (more…)

Rod Louden, M.A., MFT

After what was hopefully at least a 2-year courtship, you now find yourself engaged. You’re excited and nervous as the big day approaches. You think you’ve got all the important questions asked and answered. Are the guests seated properly? Did we give the florist a deposit? Are all the relatives travel and lodging arrangements finalized? Has everything been done that needs to be done? While these are all important questions, many people fail to take the time to ask themselves key questions about how their life will change after they say “I do.” Here are five key questions to ask yourself before you say those two life-altering words. (more…)

Written by Rod Louden, M.A., MFT

Just as your automobile needs regular care and maintenance, so does your relationship. Many couples ignore warning lights and other signs that their relationship is falling apart and is in need of a service call. They know something’s wrong, but ignore the problem(s) thinking it will go away. Following this philosophy with your car leads to expensive and time consuming repairs. The same viewpoint holds true for relationships—ignore the warning signs and you’ll soon find yourself in a therapist’s “repair shop” with a long overhaul ahead.

As a psychotherapist in Los Angeles, I routinely get calls from couples whose relationship has all but quit running. They ignored the “check engine” warning light. Their “electrical system” is shorting out and the “brakes” are squealing. Dark putrid smoke is pouring out of the “tailpipe.” And the “car” is almost undrivable. I find them sitting across from me in a state of confusion with anxiety and fear permeating their souls. With this in mind, let’s look at how to deal with these relationship warning signs. (more…)

Written by Patti Geier, LCSW

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The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org.

When to Seek Treatment

I recently received a call from a woman who was interested in couple therapy. She and her partner were planning a wedding and thought it would be a good idea to have pre-marital counseling “to iron out a few problems”. After a few months in treatment, they agreed that the work they accomplished benefited them as a couple and as individuals. They felt ready to begin the next chapter in their lives.

I offer this example because it is so different from what I usually see. In my work with couples I have found—whether they are lesbian, gay, or straight—that by the time the couple comes to treatment, they are unable to talk to each other without fighting. Communication has broken down and their relationship is tense, volatile, and destructive. It is rare for couples to reach out for treatment unless they are desperate and therapy becomes a last ditch effort before breaking up.

It is difficult to move forward in a relationship when anger and resentment have built up to the degree where there are few conflict-free areas of discussion. Of course, it would be much more effective to seek counseling before reaching this point. (more…)

Written by Cory Honikman, MSW

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The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org.

According to the American Institute of Stress, up to 90% of all health problems are related to stress. Additionally, research confirms that our thoughts and emotions have a dynamic effect on our health and vitality.

When our body feels the affects of acute stress, it is analogous to a plane gearing up for take-off. All systems are go, including the heart and blood vessels, the immune system, the lungs, the digestive system, the sensory organs, and brain are all modified and ready to encounter perceived danger. This is where changing our emotions from negative to positive can promote good health, performance and well-being. Of course, this is easier said than done. (more…)