Blogging on Good Therapy

By Jeanine Austin, Ph.D.

Click here to contact Jeanine and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Part of my job as the Department Head of Social Services when I worked for a skilled nursing facility was to have regular client contact. One morning, I stopped by to see how Mr. and Mrs. Carol (not their real names) were doing. As soon as I stepped in the room I felt I was entering into a combat zone. The couple was sparring loudly about which television program they were going to watch: People’s Court or Sally Jesse Raphael. Not five seconds into the debate, in horror I watched a cup of hot tea, launched by Mr. Carol, fly past my head only to narrowly miss Mrs. Carol, his bride of more than 60 years. Not to be outdone, Mrs. Carol chucked her full tray of gooey hospital food towards Mr. Carol. For someone in her final days of a terminal illness, she surprisingly mustered enough strength to create a giant mess with food landing on the ceiling, windows and walls. Indignant and incensed, I looked at my 90-something year old patients and exclaimed with all the authority a 23 year old might command and said, “You two should be ashamed of yourselves!”

Back in my office, I reviewed the couple’s intake and psychosocial assessments. Their marital history was unremarkable and by all accounts it was a happy liaison. What was up with these two crazy characters? Then it hit me. They didn’t know how to say goodbye to each other. Of course, it is much easier to contemplate leaving someone who is on your last nerve than someone whom you feel a warm fuzzy connection with. I was able to bring this up later with Mr. and Mrs. Carol and they both acknowledged that their bickering the last few weeks had to do with their fears of losing each other. (more…)

By Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

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From the time we are born, relationships are one of the most important things to all of us. Our behavior has the power to either bring people closer to us - or push them away. Consider for a moment the people in your life; your family, friends and intimate partnerships. What is the quality of relationship you have with them?

Are there people in your life who are behaving in a way towards you that causes distress, sadness, confusion or anger? Is there not a shred of evidence to support the possibility that they take responsibility for this and/or willing to make changes for the sake of the relationship? Ask yourself whether this works for you. (more…)

By Jennifer Lehr, MA, MFT

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How many times have we begun a relationship, full of hope, only to have it crash and burn, or one party flee?

Many of us have relational injuries from the past. This often manifests as a “fear of intimacy.” Beneath this phrase, lurks not feeling safe in relationships. Our fathers may have had tempers, or our mothers may have been intrusive. A past partner may have been abusive, or perhaps their neediness or jealousy was a burden. A multitude of possibilities exist. Whatever the case, we found that relating to another could be costly. We learned to defend ourselves, to shut down, cover up, disappear, attack, or protect ourselves in some other way. We learned to not be too vulnerable, to only let the other in so far, or to run if we got scared. We learned to make ourselves safe by controlling the depth of the relationship in a variety of ways. (more…)

By Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

Click here to contact Jim and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Yelling at Children

This is a topic that has meaning for everyone. All of us have raised our voices, probably more than once. No, I did not come from a home of screaming parents or siblings. However, I do see many families and couples who yell a lot at each other, and the short and long-term consequences of regular yelling/screaming are not pretty. Those of you who experience yelling know what I’m talking about.

Let’s start with the impact of yelling at children:

First, it teaches them how to yell, when to yell, and that yelling is an effective response to emotionally charged situations. By extension, it teaches them an ineffective way to process anger, as anger is usually associated with yelling.

Second, yelling scares most children—the younger the child, often the more fear they feel. In a state of fear it is next to impossible for a child to think about their mistake or misbehavior. If a child cannot think about their mistake, a child cannot learn from their mistake. (more…)

By Jennine Estes, MFT Intern

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Many people have heard of the advice to never go to bed angry. This relationship advice has such a great value. It addresses the idea of how couples may feel if going to bed angry, such as feeling emotionally disconnected and unattached, or fear of having unresolved issues getting in the way. This advice is absolutely a great and valuable tool for staying connected and securely attached to your partner. Think about it…going to bed angry in the relationship can create a terrible feeling; it can keep people up all night, have terrible sleep, or many other painful experiences. For many couples, this advice is perfect for their relationship. Obviously, I am a therapist and I truly believe in resolving any and all conflicts, but this doesn’t work for everyone.

Couples faced with relationship conflict often attempt to resolve the issue to the best that they can. When in conflict, couples try to resolve the issue through continuous fighting, arguing, and then resulting into a more damaged relationship. Damaging a relationship is far more dangerous than going to bed angry. (more…)

By Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

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Differentiation is a clinical term, and when therapists talk or write about it, it often leads to confusion. I’m going to try anyway, because I think the concept is a good one, and can be helpful for couples who are trying to make their relationship more satisfying. It is a concept/theory that has a practical application.

I like the term because it has the word ‘different’ in it. And that’s what you and your partner are: different—not the same—two separate, distinct people with your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. That is part of what differentiation means—you are different.

Differentiation also means: You see the world through your eyes, and your partner sees it through theirs. When observing the same thing, such as an abstract painting, or experiencing the same event, such as a movie, neither of you are likely to see, or experience, them the same way.

This probably all seems so obvious—you see and experience stuff your way, the other their way. Here’s the rub: will you do the same when under stress with each other? In other words, will you see, and take responsibility for, your role in the issue, take responsibility for your part in the conflict? Can you, will you, take your inventory, and make it safe for your partner to take their own inventory? When you do, you are living a differentiated moment, and your partner will respect your efforts.
(more…)

By Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

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Therapists who do premarital counseling have a variety of ways they conceptualize the elements of building a strong relationship foundation prior to marriage. As a Marriage and Family Therapist with a practice focus of premarital counseling, I will discuss here my ideas around how to provide a couple with the best possible tools and information to weather the storms that life will inevitably dish out.

With divorce rates as high as they are, I wish more couples would do counseling together prior to their nuptials as it might decrease the numbers who show up in my office years down the line! I truly enjoy doing premarital counseling work as it’s wonderful to see the excitement and love usually present in engaged couples. I find them open to learning and am enthusiastic about providing them the tools and knowledge to maintaining a lasting marriage.

Here is a breakdown of my six important elements of premarital counseling: (more…)

By Barbi Pecenco, MA

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As a therapist, I am often asking clients what things mean to them. For example, when a client describes an event that happened, it’s important to ask what that meant to them, because people assign various meanings to the same exact events in their lives.

Nowhere is this more clear than in couples counseling. One recent example that comes to mind is a client who told me that his wife became furious when he asked her if the chicken they had at home was boneless or not. To him it was a simple question with very little meaning attached.

To his wife, it was a much different story. “He KNOWS I only keep boneless chicken in the house. That’s why I got so angry,” she said as if that explained everything. He protested that this wasn’t a dumb question and said that there was a good possibility that there could be other chicken in the house besides boneless chicken.” (more…)

By Chesley C. Swanson, LMSW
Click here to contact Chesley C. Swanson, LMSW and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

If you or anyone you know wants to end a marriage with minimal emotional damage to the family, I suggest serious consideration of collaborative divorce. A simple explanation of collaborative divorce is: “A highly structured process in which to express and resolve conflict without going to court”. Two of the web sites that have a more thorough explanation of collaborative divorce and a list of local attorneys, mental health professionals and financial professionals are www.collablawtexas.org and www.Divorcenet.com . My intention is to give information about what Texas collaborative professionals call “The Texas Model” of collaborative divorce. Texas collaborative professionals are dedicated and available to assist divorcing couples to successfully restructure their lives, so as to minimize the potential negative effects of divorce. (more…)

By Chesley C. Swanson, LMSW

Click here to contact Chesley and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Marriage counseling is an attempt to help a couple resolve any number of types of problems they may be having in their marriage, and to empower them to go forward and have a more successful relationship. No matter what combination of problems, couples seek counseling to get a better understanding of what has gone wrong in their marriage. Throughout a marriage it is common for resentment due to unresolved issues to build up to such an extent that one or both partners may feel hopeless enough to consider divorce as an option. Frequently, by the time a married couple decides to seek professional help; they have so much resentment built up to such a high level that their issues are much more difficult to resolve, if not impossible. This does not mean that the marriage can not be restored. Although one or both partners may think that seeking marriage counseling is an admission of failure, marriage counseling can help a couple rebuild or restore their relationship. (more…)

An Excerpt from ‘Bring Yourself to Love: How Couples Can Turn Disconnection into Intimacy’
By Mona Barbera, Ph.D.

Click here to contact Mona Barbera, Ph.D. and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

What to Expect in Internal Family Sytems (IFS) Couples Therapy

Hopefully the ideas and exercises in this book have been helpful to you, and you feel confident that you can improve your relationship. Or perhaps you feel that you and your partner could use some professional help.

This chapter will tell you what to expect from a couples therapist who uses the IFS model. Since there are so many IFS therapists in the United States and in other countries, there is a lot of variety in the way IFS is practiced. This chapter gives the basics of the IFS approach. (more…)

By Barbi Pecenco, MA

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Before I received training in marriage and family therapy, I was extremely blaming and critical of my husband. I truly believed everything that I felt was all his fault.

Through my schooling, I learned that I needed to take a look at what was being triggered in me when he did certain things. So if he went golfing and surfing for a few hours on the weekend, all I could see was how he was depriving me of attention and his time, and not how enjoyable and nourishing these activities were for him. And I certainly didn’t see that maybe I needed to get some outside activities of my own!

And since I was completely CERTAIN that he shouldn’t be depriving me of his time and attention like that, I felt very justified in saying such things as, “You never want to spend time with me,” or “You care about your hobbies more than me,” or “You are a huge jerk!” I had no idea that this sort of blaming and attacking only triggered him to feel like a bad husband and made him shut down. So when he got quiet or defensive or needed to get away from me, that just confirmed what I already thought I knew, which was that he just didn’t really care about me.

I finally realized that I needed to look at myself and why I immediately jumped to the conclusion that he didn’t care just because he had some hobbies that didn’t include me. I was finally able to see that what was being triggered in me was a deep down, unconscious fear that I was unlovable. On a conscious level, I did not know that this was a fear that I had. If anyone asked me, I would have insisted that I felt just fine about my lovability, thank you very much. It’s hard to know what is lurking below the surface of our consciousness. (more…)

By Delyse Ledgard, MA, RCC

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Intimacy speaks to something shared between individuals who trust and respect each other. A connection that is transparent and honest, that takes courage. Feeling close to someone can be manufactured out of illusion and characterized by a disquiet that leaves one feeling unsure of the closeness. Sharing similarities can be part of developing closeness and intimacy as long as it is not a habit to avoid differences. Self-differentiation, defined as the ability to stand in one’s own space with out taking over the other, is commonly viewed as an important aspect of intimacy. On the other hand, spiritual intimacy involves dissolving boundaries and ego identity into a cosmic oneness. Perhaps this speaks to the way intimacy cannot occur with a strong protection of the ego. There needs to be a ‘taking in’ of each other.

My particular definition of intimacy states that it is a shared physical and/or emotional space where there is an exchange that furthers an understanding of each other and your connection to one another. Intimacy results in an experience of being known by the other. This exchange occurs at it’s deepest when there is a focus on what occurs between you. In other words, being a confidant while it may produce a feeling of closeness has much less impact on your personal understanding of each other or your relationship to one another. So in this exchange we could say that the deepest intimacy occurs when you are able to say to the other what you cannot say to anyone else. This relates to the intimate dialogue. (more…)

By Delyse Ledgard, MA

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Fusion is defined as the desire for two people to merge into one another in personal relationships, and refers to an immature connection to the other fueled by a fear of separation. The desire for this type of connection is motivated in part by an unconscious fantasy of bliss through unity. Eric Fromm in ‘The Art of Loving’ talks about immature love being like the symbiotic relationship between mother and infant. Perhaps it is a desire to retreat into a safe haven from the world that creates such a strong pull in all of us for fusion.

Society encourages this type of unity by popular romantic notions of two halves make a whole, and finding the perfect fit. If we are to assume that society expresses our collective unconscious then we are all struggling with this desire for fusion to escape the ravages of life and the dangers of being alone in separation.

In the beginning of romantic relationships partners turn a blind eye to the differences between them. It is all about the similarities and connection. This blissful state of being in love is often described in the language of a symbiotic fusion. For example, “I’ve found the perfect fit”, “ we are so connected it is almost like he knows what I am thinking”, “finally someone understands me.”

In addition to a desire for a symbiotic fusion we also have a need for independence. As the relationship progresses partners’ individuality begins to become more evident and relationship struggles occur as they come to terms with their differences. Relationships continually flow between connection and separation. The desire for fusion is therefore, not the only force between partners, but is the one I am focusing on in this article. There are two main ways in which fusion is expressed in relationships – the first is by a dominant/submissive dynamic where there is only one person in this relationship and that is ME! The second is a dependant dynamic where you are the head and I will be the tail – together we will make one body. (more…)

Dear Members and Visitors to GoodTherapy.org,

Today the GoodTherapy.org Team was pleased to experience the second teleconference in our Spring into Summer Teleconference Series: Wired for Intimacy: Awakening the I-and-Thou Experience in Couples Therapy presented by Hedy Schleifer, MA, LMHC. A big “thank you” to Hedy for taking the time to present her empathic & optimistic approach to enhancing and healing relationships: Tikkun Relational Therapy to GoodTherapy.org members.

To support those of you who attended today’s teleconference and who may have more questions or would enjoy having a forum to discuss Hedy’s methods, we created this blog entry to serve as a forum where you can post your questions, leave comments, and engage in a dialogue about it. Please feel welcome to join us in the discussion.

To view the comments or make your own, simply scroll to the bottom of this particular article and click on the “Comment” link.

For more information about Hedy and her workshop programs, please visit her website:
http://www.hedyyumi.org

Enjoy,

Noah :)

Noah Rubinstein, LMFT
Executive Director
http://www.GoodTherapy.org

By Victoria Schlicht, LMFT

Click here to contact Victoria and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

No one wants to be a fool, least of all a fool in love. But what of being a Fool for Love? Is there any difference? Foolishness, folly, fool-hardy. We know it all too well. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. This is true of gambling with our hard earned dollars. Might it also be true of gambling with our hard won hearts? Shouldn’t we be just as careful and cautious about how, when, where, and why we choose to invest our love? And yet, we can be smart, brainy, canny, and wise in the ways of the world. Too smart to be taken in. Too smart to be trusting. Smart enough to value safety and avoidance of pain and brokenheartedness above everything else. Even with the one we love. Too smart to allow the vulnerability that open-hearted love demands. (more…)

By Delyse Ledgard, MA, RCC

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“For each person who volunteers to live the life of a tool, lest he turn out to be a knife, there is another who threatens to become a wound.” ~Sheldon Kopp.

In coming across the above quote recently I was reminded of the pain caused by being caught up in this cycle. Back in my mid twenties I was a walking wound, and to compensate I tried to take care of others and become the tool to their healing. Thankfully I have come a long way over the years even though there are times when I can get drawn into this dynamic. I have found this description a useful way to understand how we are caught up in being dependent on each other’s happiness. Partners will move between these three positions creating relationships based on powerlessness and fusion.

When I began my training I was first acquainted with this system in relationships as having three positions, persecutor, victim and rescuer. It is useful to conceptualize each position as a separate person for description, but more accurately they are aspects within our psyche that are activated in relationships. We express them in reaction to what we perceive and experience in others. However, you may recognize that you gravitate towards one characteristic in particular. Here is a description of each of these positions. (more…)

By Barbi Pecenco, MA

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There are plenty of articles out there from relationship experts encouraging the rules of good communication, but rarely does anyone tell us what to do when we have practiced those rules and our partner continues to act unreasonably.

Standing up for yourself is an important relationship skill. But often what we think is standing up for ourselves is actually being critical of our partner and trying to convince them that they are “wrong”. This approach usually does not work because your partner is so busy defending themselves that your message is lost. You are NOT powerful when you are critical; instead you give your power away due to the damage it does to your relationship.

Giving others the benefit of the doubt when they seem to be doing something “wrong” is typically a better reaction than blaming, shaming, judging or criticizing. It’s important that we say, “Hmmm, I wonder what my partner was thinking when he promised to take out the trash and didn’t for the third day in a row” as opposed to “How lazy is he? I’m going to really lay into him this time!”

Instead of attempting to prove your partner wrong (or lazy) in an attempt to stand up for yourself, the alternative is to ask your partner to consider your needs and work with you to negotiate something that is best for the relationship. However, if asking your partner to meet you halfway doesn’t work then it’s time to insist on it. (more…)

GoodTherapy.org is pleased to announce that registration is open for the second event in our Spring into Summer Teleconference Series. In this free event for GoodTherapy.org Members, we are very excited to welcome Hedy Schleifer, MA, LMHC.

Hedy is the Director of Schleifer and Associates in Miami Beach, Florida, and an internationally known relationship specialist, trainer, coach, workshop presenter, and motivational speaker. She received her M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Tel Aviv University, and launched her private practice in 1978. Trained in Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT), Hedy has pioneered the teaching of workshops for couples, and the training of therapists in IRT, overseas. Fluent in six languages, Hedy travels globally, bringing workshops for couples, and trainings for relationship specialists, and corporate organizations. Her passion for teaching people how to create harmonious relationships and results-oriented connections, make her workshops, trainings and motivational speeches, transformational.

Hedy’s 90-minute workshop for GoodTherapy.org members is called “Awakening the I-and-Thou Experience in Couples Therapy.” Hedy describes her presentation for us by saying, “Neuroscience and biology tell us that our brains are wired for relationship and that we experience each other physiologically, as well as psychologically. Yet, couples therapy tends still to be conducted in the purely verbal realm, focused on the words of each partner’s individual story, while neglecting the body’s vast potential for emotional and spiritual expression. During this workshop, we’ll explore the four pillars of Tikkun Relational Therapy to help couples reconnect by stepping outside their separate identities and entering an unsuspected realm of intimacy. Martin Buber, in his book I and Thou, called this realm the “sacred” space between them. This model integrates the latest findings from four sources including Imago Relationship Theory, Appreciative Inquiry, and interpersonal neurobiology. We’ll explain and discuss techniques and rituals that activate the natural capacities of our brains for deep, wordless emotional and spiritual connection.”

For more information and to register, visit the Spring into Summer Workshop Series.

by John Gerson, Ph.D.

Click here to contact John and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

I’d like to begin with the following vignette. It’s fictional, but contains communication snafu’s that, although probably unintentional, can be wounding. How the wound is dealt with can determine if its effects are short-lived or if they become part of the catalog of complaints that one spouse holds and remembers about the other.

“Kitty and Joe, both in the early 40’s, have been married for 15 years, and have 2 children, Cathy, age 12, and her younger brother, Bobby, age 8. B0th Kitty and Joe are attorneys; Kitty works part time for a local corporation, and Joe works full time in his family’s law practice. They are generally a thoughtful, cooperative couple, and after Cathy’s birth, found that the increased stress and demands placed on both of them made their cooperation with each other even more important. Their relationship is strong, and its durability has rested on their usually being mature and above all, conscious of their own behavior and how it affects their partner.

Recently, however, stress has mounted. Joe’s law practice has suffered an economic downturn; fewer and fewer litigation cases are coming into the firm, and although Joe’s compensation is not yet being affected, he’s worried. Cathy continues her part-time corporate job. She’s is as yet personally unaffected by the slowing economy, but she is aware that the company has been considering laying off less essential personnel. In short, both husband and wife are somewhat worried; their sleep is being affected, and Joe, the spouse more inclined to somaticize his stress, that is, to put it into his body, has had bouts of diarrhea and headache. (more…)

by Pamela Simmons, LPC

Click here to contact Pamela and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

It happens every week. I walk into the bathroom. There is no toilet paper on the roller. The good news is there is a new roll of toilet paper sitting right on top of the roller! Does anyone else face this dilemma? At church last Sunday, among the four of us talking, three of us are the official and only changers of the toilet paper in the house. One woman said she walked into her daughters’ bathroom and found three rolls stacked on an empty roller. Changing the toilet paper is probably the easiest of household chores, so those of us allocated that responsibility should be relieved. Instead we are annoyed. Does no one else know how to do it? Is it too much to expect that one could put a new roll of toilet paper on the roller? It’s a brainless job.
For many a mom, taking care of the home is a form of loving our families and we find joy in it. BUT—are we creating monsters of the next generation who will enter marriages expecting Hilda Housekeeper to take care of everything? Are our children and husbands blind about all we do and then cannot function when we are gone? How do we handle this? This is more than toilet paper. The issue is not the tissue. This is about the balance of power and balance of managing a home. Many couple and family fights are about chores. How do we as families address the notion of community responsibility, roles and expectations? There is a way not to do it and a way to do. (more…)

by Van Wiesner, Ph.D.

Click here to contact Van and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Patricia Love, Ed.D. and Steven Stosny, Ph.D. are contrarians in the book How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (2007). Instead of endorsing traditional talk therapy methods for improving relationships such as, well, “talking”, they offer a more behavioral approach based largely on psychological differences in the genders as gleaned from research and their vast clinical experience. Early on the authors assert that couples “are not disconnected because they have poor communication; they have poor communication because they are disconnected” (p. 5). I have reread that sentence dozens of times sensing the paradigm shift this statement represents. (more…)

by Jennine E. Estes, M.A., Marriage and Family Therapist Intern

Click here to contact Jennifer and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

It is very important to show your partner that you are trust-worthy….and here are some quick tips.

1. Follow through with what you say. If you tell your partner that you will be home by 8:00, come home no later than 8:00pm. If you are going to be late, call them and let them know ahead of time.

2. Don’t be unrealistic. Avoid saying that you will “Always” have your cell phone on or you will “Never” turn your phone off. This is unrealistic. Sometimes your phone will die or you might forget it or you might not hear it ring. Instead, tell your partner that you will try your best to answer the phone. And then….follow through with what you say (tip #1).

3. Let your Partner in. If you have a wall up, it hides things and creates a suspicious feeling from your partner. Avoid the suspicious behavior and be an open book. The more open you are, the more trust you can build.
(more…)

by Allison Weliky, MA

Click here to contact Allison and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

1.Slow down. When you feel yourself getting angry or going into reactive energy slow yourself down and begin to get curious and to explore what is going on for you. Is your reaction actually about what is going on in the moment or is this situation actually reminding you of something from your past, for instance, how you were treated by a former partner, or how you were treated by your parents or primary caregivers. Once you have taken your time to see more clearly what is happening, if necessary, respond and communicate from this place.

2.Communicate clearly. Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader. Our culture has brainwashed us into believing that love means that our intimate partners always know what we need without us having to express anything. I’m sure you’ve heard people say things, at the beginning of relationships, such as: “he just knew what I was feeling, I didn’t have to ask, she just understands me without me ever having to explain myself.” Although, there is some truth in these statements, at some time in most relationships, there is a need to communicate one’s needs and not take it for granted that our partner “just knows.” Clear communication and the necessity to express one’s needs do not mean that you are no longer in love; it actually means that you are really beginning to trust yourself and your partner. (more…)

by Jennifer B Baxt, LMFT, LMHC

Click here to contact Jennifer and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Our world is ever changing. Fifty years ago, in the 1950’s, and for all time before that, divorce was almost unheard of. Couples married, and expected to remain married for life. Because divorce was so taboo at that time, couples managed to work out their problems, and make the best of their situations. They simply had to learn how to live together, because the alternative was literally ‘unthinkable’ and not to be considered.

Things have certainly changed! Today, more than half of all marriages end in divorce. We no longer are required to learn how to live with each other, because there is always the option of ‘getting out’ without society ‘marking’ us for the effort. You’ve probably heard of ‘starter marriages.’ You may have thought it was a joke. It isn’t.

The truth is that anyone who is serious about maintaining a relationship will benefit from couple therapy. Even the strongest of relationships can benefit and grow even stronger with the help of a qualified couple’s therapist. (more…)

written by Chris Reynolds, MS, LPC

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Sex therapy is simply therapy that specifically addresses sexual problems. A sex therapist can be considered a specialist in the general field of therapy in the same way that a urologist is considered a specialist in the general field of medicine. Though the practice of sex therapy varies widely, most of these specialists have the following in common.

Sex therapy is typically a short term (6 to 15 weeks) solution focused intervention. Solution focused means that there are concrete goals with which to gauge progress, that there is a conscious utilization of client’s strengths, and that homework assignments are utilized to encourage active steps toward one’s goals.

While more general relationship issues are an integral part of sex therapy, they are not the primary issue. Sex therapists treat the sexual problem directly as opposed to assuming that if a couple resolves their other relationship issues, their sexual functioning will eventually improve. Since relationship issues are an integral part of sex therapy, and often one of the dynamics that perpetuates the sexual problem, couples who meet their goals in sex therapy invariably improve functioning in other areas of their relationship as well. When relationship issues are the primary problem (difficulty negotiating conflict, difficulty negotiating value systems, difference in attachment styles, etc.), then more traditional couples therapy is more appropriate. (more…)

GoodTherapy.org maintains a list of psychotherapy & counseling approaches for the purpose of informing people about different forms of therapy. We’re currently updating this list of therapy models and we’ve just finished our update to the Gottman Method for couples counseling and marriage therapy. Gottman Method applies leading-edge research on marriage in a practical, down-to-earth therapy. No other approach to couples education and therapy has relied on such intensive, detailed, and long-term scientific study of why marriages succeed or fail. You can view the update to our section on the Gottman Method and/or view our entire list of psychotherapy & counseling models . Enjoy :)

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Dennis Thoennes, Ph.D., ABPP

Click here to contact Dennis and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

On the way home from a visit with my mother I felt myself roiling like molten lava. She began talking about money she had recently lent me to help with the expense of a remodeling project. As she talked decades of anger began to ignite and I told her I needed to end this conversation or leave if she could not give it a rest.

Fortunately it takes me a few hours to drive home from where she lives. I was able to contact a friend on the drive and debrief the experience I had with her and how it had summoned decades of anger. Years ago, when our kids were young and before I had done any of my own therapy, had something like this happened I would have walked into the house and this residue from the past would have spilled over the family and evening like hot tar on a fine linen tablecloth.

Such awareness has led me to tell clients of my belief that the second most difficult challenge we humans have is a healthy, intimate, committed relationship with another person. For it is in this context we are touched, poked, caressed and connected in ways that bring all of our history to some level of consciousness. My wife or one of the kids could have said anything and this lava would have spilled out on them. Many people do not have the skills to deal with this in healthy, constructive ways. So feelings such as my anger invade the relationship, tar the tablecloth. Alternatively a person may develop a shell so they do not get affected by others, we may suppress our hurt and anger. Some people seem to go through life and find a way to be content with simply dealing with the world around them and rarely, if ever, examine their interior, intrapersonal life. (more…)

Written by Julienne B. Derichs, LCPC

We all have a picture of intimacy. Passionate sex, long talks where you reveal your inner most thoughts, and sharing life’s experiences. Creating intimacy in a relationship can seem mysterious and illusive. Most people want it, but what is intimacy really?

Intimacy is not a concrete concept; it is a quality in a relationship that takes on many forms. The common thread being feelings of closeness among partners in a relationship. Intimacy and healthy relationships go hand in hand, yet everyone has different ideas about how intimacy is created. (more…)

Written by Debra L. Kaplan, MA, LAC, LISAC

Click here to contact Debra and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

A glance at many magazines today will offer practical advice and “how to” strategies for the pursuit of the man or woman of our dreams. Let’s face it—sexy tag lines and catchy subtitles make for good print copy but do little for building healthy and sound relationships. Projecting our wants, expectations or intentions onto our partners-to-be only serves to foreshadow the inevitable relational demise. It is as if we build in our own obsolescence from the very start.

How is that possible you may ask, “when I’m doing all the right things, paying close attention to selecting my partner, and looking at what he or she has to offer the relationship?” I admit that these words sound counter intuitive, however, first consider this proposition.

Would you marry yourself or someone like you? Do you like the person you are and what you have to offer, enough to marry yourself?

Some time ago, I put this question to a client. During our session, in his plunge toward self pity, he began to lament the state of his personal affairs citing one futile relationship after another. “I don’t know what else to do.” With exasperation he cynically sneered, “Just when I think I’ve found someone ‘special’ and things are going ‘swell’, she leaves me. How does this happen that I pick the same women who cheat on me time after time?”

That’s when I asked him to humor me since I was about to ask him a question that might strike him as weird. “You’re right that is a weird question—“Geez, no, I wouldn’t marry anyone like me!” He went on to state that he was amazed that anyone liked him at all. That response or a variation of its kind often followed when I posed that same question to clients.

Our courage to look inward at our own fallibility and dark side will go a long way toward building the healthy relationships we desire; not just in romantic expression but in all the personal interactions of our lives. To know one’s dark side is to embrace the aspects within about which we feel shame or guilt. While our tendency might be to bury or dismiss those parts of ourselves that we don’t want to acknowledge, this deep seated inner truth will only serve to undermine any positive changes and inner strength we strive toward.

Initially our tendency might be to assess what our partners bring to the proverbial party without assessing what we have to offer. Are we that emotionally available person we are seeking? Do we remain open to constructive criticism and risk being known or do we defend ourselves into isolation staunchly committed to defending our self-righteous deception? Is it okay to be lonely just as long as “I’m not wrong?”

These are the hard yet essential questions to be answered. Only when we like the person we are and work toward becoming will we attract that very same energy which we seek in others. The journey to know spiritual peace and fulfillment is an inside out endeavor.

That first step begins by defining what we want to change about ourselves and being honest about who we are. If you don’t really know what it is you want to change about yourself because you are too close for honest introspection, start with observing behavior in others that we find uncomfortable or unpleasant. These behaviors that we observe in others acts as our reflective internal barometer. In essence by being willing to note these unlikable behaviors in others we are facing reflections of our true selves and that is a good indication that we are ignoring who we truly are.

The initial work in defining what we want to change takes an honest assessment of our most rejected parts of ourselves. It is easier to seek the completion of ourselves and acquire what we believe we inherently lack than to actually empower it from within. How often are we drawn to attractive people while believing deep down that we ourselves are not as good looking or unattractive? When we accept and love our qualities without seeking to acquire them, we form the strongest foundation for intimacy.

By beginning with that one simple but profound step we begin the enlightened journey toward feeling inner peace and fulfillment. As propositions go there is no better partner with whom you can say, “I do!”

©Copyright 2007 Debra L. Kaplan, MA, LAC, LISAC. MAC All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Debra and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Written by Julienne B. Derichs, LCPC

Why is it there are some couples who always butt heads…and other couples who get along with little friction? From early childhood we learn about conflict from our interactions with others. Our conflict management style begins to evolve through our unique experiences with others based on wants, needs, likes, and dislikes. Tension or conflict arises when we expect others to be like us and judge and blame each other for our differences.

No matter what we call it—conflict, fighting, arguing, quarreling or disagreeing, in most relationships, differences eventually arise and for many of us it creates some uneasiness. But having the Good Fight, if handled well, can transform relationships and improve our understanding of each other. When managed badly, conflict can result in damaged friendships, severed relationships, and long-lasting hostility.

Understanding Conflict

Terry Real, in his book, “How Can I Get Through To You?” describes the essential rhythm of a relationship as going from Harmony to Disharmony to Restoration. In relationships it isn’t a matter of IF there is going to be conflict (disharmony) but HOW you are going to handle that conflict so that you can restore (restoration) it back to a harmonious (harmony) state… (more…)

Written by Mary Ellen Barnes, Ph.D.

Click here to contact Mary Ellen and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

It’s a common, if quiet, complaint heard over lunch, or at breaks in meetings, at the Chamber of Commerce mixer, or the League of Women Voters retreat. “My husband finally quit drinking, attends AA, and life is certainly calmer, but…” The “buts” are varied, but essentially come down to the fact that while one’s spouse is no longer actively drinking little else has changed.
An unfortunate side effect of AA and other 12-Step based programs is that while they may help a man stop drinking, they actually encourage him to maintain, and even expand, his focus on alcohol. So he continues to neglect his family and remain emotionally distant from his wife and she doesn’t even get to complain about it because he is “working his program.” For her, precious little has changed.

“I’m truly glad that he isn’t drinking,” one said. “I don’t miss the late night worrying, the calls for bail or a ride home. I don’t miss wondering about our debts, credit rating, or whether he’s going to get fired. But he’s still got his head in a bottle and we don’t even fight anymore. There seems to be so much less of him now than when he was drinking, even. I probably sound selfish and ungrateful, but I miss him.”

It’s a common and heart-breaking story. Another failure of the American system of alcohol treatment - a system that even when it works merely substitutes one form of alcohol obsession for another. (more…)

Written by Delyse Ledgard, MA, CCC

Click here to contact Delyse and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

This article discusses the nature of ambivalence in relationships, and the resulting dynamics. This perspective has developed over the past 20 years of working with individuals and couples, and noticing how these dynamics emerge.

Ambivalence occurs in intimate relationships when there is the coexistence of opposing emotions and desires towards the other that create an uncertainty about being in the relationship. It is our nature to split our experience into polarities, such as good/bad, right/wrong and emotions such as love/hate, joy/sadness. One could say that we constantly deal with the opposite of our experience even if that is unconscious. As we become closer to our beloved and feel connected our experience is defined by the possibility of separation. Every time we say ‘yes’ there is a ‘no’ in the background informing our choice. If I am saying ‘yes’ to something wholeheartedly, I can feel that yes in every cell of my being. ‘No ‘ has been considered and rejected, however fleetingly, and my ‘yes’ has the quality of certainty. If my desire to say ‘no” interferes with my ‘yes’ it will be said with hesitation and doubt, and a lingering uneasy feeling that causes me to hold back; I am unable to fully commit to that yes. So not only does the opposite polarity define my experience but the degree to which I have integrated it into my consciousness will also affect my experience. Ambivalence could be said to occur when we are stuck between two polarities, and unable to reconcile them… (more…)