Blogging on Good Therapy

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T.

Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

“The task is to recognize our interdependence, honor boundaries and differences, and remember connectedness.” - Dyrian Benz

“Find the optimum closeness/distance to enable you to experience your OWN unique center of aliveness and awareness, as well as the other’s unique center.” - Mukara Meredith

Good boundaries are a centerpiece for safe and successful relationships. Boundaries are, as well, the space that people consider part of their identity. Skin is the physical boundary. People also have energetic and emotional boundaries. Inadvertent boundary crossings can be very upsetting. Boundaries are very individual, can be negotiated between people, are often communicated non-verbally. They are influenced by cultural values, styles and expectations. Try checking with your clients about precisely what feels to them like the right distance from you. You may be surprised about the amount of variation. Boundaries serve well to provide a consistent container that can define, contain, and limit relationships.

Development of Boundaries

The development of boundaries is a strong aspect of individuation. Boundaries are a fundamental aspect of self-development. Infants are born into a swirling world of new and familiar sensations in which they experience no distinction between self and other—all are merged into one. This is the beginning of the universal and lifelong process of finding a Self. Boundaries define and protect. They allow separation and they can be negotiated to experience the joy of merging. They are both empowering and also provide healthy limits.

Healthy boundary development proceeds through stages briefly described by my Hakomi Method colleague Mukara Meredith as:

1) “Undifferentiated” with the developmental need being to feel welcome and secure in the containment of the caretaker.
2) “Separate But Surrounded” with the developmental need being support and nourishment.
3) “Open Support” with the need for developing autonomy by coming and going from caretaker’s protective presence.
4) “Overlapping” with the need to be able to say no and still belong.
5) “Individuated” with the need to join and separate, and be creative and unique, without fear of loss of love.

Effective boundaries are both secure and flexible. Saying “no” is the simplest form of boundary setting, and may, at times, be necessary to forcefully exert for the protection of clients and others from harm. As a practitioner, you need to be sensitive and responsive to your client’s boundaries, knowing that they may be different from yours.

The 150% equation with boundaries

As the person in the position of greater power and influence, it is your responsibility to set and maintain boundaries. Even though your clients agree to the boundaries you set and often help you in creating the boundaries, you are ultimately responsible for the boundaries. Both you and your clients are responsible for being in right relationship, but you, the practitioner are 150% responsible for both managing the boundaries and repairing them if broken. The 150% equation applies.

Here are some boundary examples in which the power differential can have a significant and harmful impact:

Physical: using touch unconsciously or not attending to spatial boundaries

Emotional: encouraging emotional dependence or being too personally revealing so that your clients feel they must take care of you

Mental: creating a psychologically impactful “smart/dumb” dynamic

Energetic: communicating through one’s energy a more intimate relationship than is real or appropriate

Sexual: becoming intimately involved with your client or encouraging or implying the possibility

Financial: not being clear about your financial contracting or keeping a client longer than they are benefiting from your service

Environmental: not creating a safe, private, and attractive office setting

Social: engaging in or not managing dual relationships

Time: not holding clear time boundaries by being late or going over the time, rushing or being abrupt, or not having or keeping a clear cancellation policy

Role: not owning and skillfully using the power you have

Take a few minutes to reflect on each of these professional boundaries and notice how you are in relation to each one. Pick one of these to work on handling better. Choose a specific and behavioral way you can make some improvement. Arrange to get some feedback from a friend or colleague.

©Copyright 2007 Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 25th, 2008 at 9:41 pm and is filed under Ethics, Right Use of Power. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.