Differentiation, Personal Inquiry, and Healthy Relationships
August 11th, 2008 |By Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT
Click here to contact Jim and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile
Differentiation is a clinical term, and when therapists talk or write about it, it often leads to confusion. I’m going to try anyway, because I think the concept is a good one, and can be helpful for couples who are trying to make their relationship more satisfying. It is a concept/theory that has a practical application.
I like the term because it has the word ‘different’ in it. And that’s what you and your partner are: different—not the same—two separate, distinct people with your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. That is part of what differentiation means—you are different.
Differentiation also means: You see the world through your eyes, and your partner sees it through theirs. When observing the same thing, such as an abstract painting, or experiencing the same event, such as a movie, neither of you are likely to see, or experience, them the same way.
This probably all seems so obvious—you see and experience stuff your way, the other their way. Here’s the rub: will you do the same when under stress with each other? In other words, will you see, and take responsibility for, your role in the issue, take responsibility for your part in the conflict? Can you, will you, take your inventory, and make it safe for your partner to take their own inventory? When you do, you are living a differentiated moment, and your partner will respect your efforts.
That means letting go of winning and being right. It means taking the time, effort and energy to understand your partner’s thoughts, feelings and behavior, i.e., their experience, instead of forcing him/her to accept your experience as the truth or reality.
But wait—there’s more. Differentiation also means you are able to resist the contagion of your partner’s mood, and their emotional intensity. When he/she is irritated about something, are you willing to resist taking on a similar mood or emotional state? When she/he is angry at you, are you able to maintain your emotional equilibrium? Rather than defend against your partner’s complaint, ASK WHAT IT’S ABOUT! Try to hear what he/she has to say.
When you and your partner talk about difficult issues, are you each willing to take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors associated with the conflict instead of blaming the other one? Bottom line is this: A well differentiated couple works hard at staying on their own respective side of the street, minding their own thoughts, feelings and behavior.
If you find yourself blaming or accusing your partner, you’ve crossed the double-yellow line and you’re risking a head-on collision. Playing chicken usually leads to damage that’s not easy to repair.
Get back on your own side of the street, and do this: ask yourself what got triggered in you, rather than jumping all over your partner about what you heard or saw. Easier said that done, but worth the effort. Why? Because it paves a clearer path to self-understanding, and it may also limit the duration and intensity of the conflict. Wouldn’t THAT be nice!
No doubt, much more could be said about differentiation, but this is all you need to know for now. Keep it simple—mind yourself, not the other. Feel your feelings, mind your own thoughts and behavior, and let your partner do the same.
Here are some exercises you can each try–these help with continued differentiation progress. Ask yourself the following questions, and/or discuss them with your partner/spouse. It ‘s a personal self-inquiry.
SELF-INQUIRY
1. Am I willing to take a risk by examining my role in the way things go in my relationship, especially when in conflict?
2. Am I at least as concerned about, and willing to examine, how I have let my partner down as I am about how she/he has let me down?
3. At the end of the day, am I willing to share with him/her how I have or have not been the partner I aspire to be? It’s easy to put the microscope on your partner. Now, put it on yourself and share what you see. Lose sight of your partner’s stuff for a moment, and gain some vision of yourself.
4. Am I as committed to changing something about myself as I am demanding of my partner to change?
5. What do you each believe the role conflict plays in a marriage?
The differentiated experience of conflict allows conflict to lead to greater intimacy, shared warmth, and a solid foundation of trust.
©Copyright 2008 by Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jim and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile
August 12th, 2008 at 10:47 am
This is interestting. I do find that when my wife is in a bad mood I will take on her feelings no matter how I am actually feeling at the time. It is as if I allow the moods and feelings of others really affect how I am feeling at the time. I had never really given that a whole lot of thought until now. Thanks to this I will try to do better to keep my feelings separate from that of how others are feeling.
August 15th, 2008 at 4:32 am
You are right- there are times that it seems people just want to bring you down with them and it is really easy to fall into that kind of trap. I try to be sympathetic but how much of myself am I giving up in return just because someone wants me to completely feel their pain. After reading this I am definitely going to try and be much more aware of when this goes on and not only try to retain myself when others are feeling pain, but to also not flip the coin and make others feel the same way when I am down.
August 18th, 2008 at 5:11 am
I, like so many others, have a real problem with this differentiation issue. When I am a wreck sometimes it just feels better to have others around me who are depressed too. I need a rock to lean on but sometimes when you feel like crap and others are so happy it makes me feel even worse. I know this is selfish but that is how Ifeel. I want to get out of that mode of feeding off of the emotions of others and learn to trust what is going on inside my own head. This has given me the courage to learn more about this issue and to start looking for ways to improve my life. Thanks for all of the great information!
August 20th, 2008 at 2:58 am
There are so many issues that I have with this because you are right- misery loves company and it is hard when others around you are having a great time being happy and you just cannot even join in on that with them. I have been working hard to not let how I feel about things influence the moods of others and I just wish more people could do that for me. It is weird how feelings are contagious but they are!
August 21st, 2008 at 3:04 am
AAhh. . . taking responsibility for our actions. What a novel concept that so many of us neglect on a daily basis. How much easier life might be if we all owned up to the control that we have over most everything we say and do and not lay the responsibility at the feet of others!
August 26th, 2008 at 3:11 am
There are just so many who never want to claim any responsibilty for the roles they play in relationships. They want to take the easy way out, so they know that if they really do any of the self inquiry that is so important they might not like what they see at all. That is when that gets pushed aside and ignored.
August 31st, 2008 at 8:10 pm
This is the way I have been in my marriage to my husband, Michael. We recently celebrated 21 yrs of marriage. HOWEVER this is a concept we have had to really work on….it keeps us from blaming one another for our short comings and has made us both more responsible adults. In turn that makes us love one another more and more.
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:59 am
the article has really helped me understand my spouse. Most of my weekends are spent picking on the things I detest in my spouse and blowing everything out of proportion. I realized that only after I read this one. Its been tough as I am still going thrrough the 1st year of marriage and we seem to be yelling at each other a lot more these days. This has been worth the while even if it meant eating my ego all the way!!