Important Elements of Premarital Counseling
July 28th, 2008 |By Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT
Click here to contact Lisa and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Therapists who do premarital counseling have a variety of ways they conceptualize the elements of building a strong relationship foundation prior to marriage. As a Marriage and Family Therapist with a practice focus of premarital counseling, I will discuss here my ideas around how to provide a couple with the best possible tools and information to weather the storms that life will inevitably dish out.
With divorce rates as high as they are, I wish more couples would do counseling together prior to their nuptials as it might decrease the numbers who show up in my office years down the line! I truly enjoy doing premarital counseling work as it’s wonderful to see the excitement and love usually present in engaged couples. I find them open to learning and am enthusiastic about providing them the tools and knowledge to maintaining a lasting marriage.
Here is a breakdown of my six important elements of premarital counseling:
1) Strengthening Communication Skills: Being able to effectively listen, truly hear and validate the other’s position is a skill that isn’t necessarily a “given” for many people. Couples that communicate well can discuss and resolve issues when they arise more effectively. Most couples can benefit from tuning up their talking and listening skills.
2) Increasing the Emotional Safety: This is a concept I focus extensively on in my relationship counseling. I have a very specific definition of “emotional safety” and way to assess the level between two people. They are how much a couple feels respect, trust, prioritized, heard, understood, validated, empathy and love from each other.
3) Exploring the Relationship Balance: How much attention is paid to the “you,” “me” and “we” of the relationship. Couples who are out of balance can suffer a number of problems. It’s ideal to identify where they’re both at, if they’re ok with it – or if adjustments might be beneficial to the relationship.
4) Identifying Problematic Family of Origin Issues: We learn so much of how to “be” from our parents, primary caregivers and other early influences. If one of the partners experienced a high conflict or unloving household, it can be helpful to explore that in regards to how it might play out in the marriage. Couples who have an understanding of the existence of any problematic conditioning around how relationships work are usually better at disrupting repetition of these learned behaviors. I explore what each partner might be bringing into the relationship from the past – and whether there is anything to be mindful of in the future.
5) Explore Marriage Logistics/Expectations: It’s incredibly common for married couples to never have discussed “who” will be doing “what” in the marriage. This can apply to job, finances, chores, sexual intimacy and more. Having an open and honest discussion about what each of them expect from the other in a variety of areas leads to fewer surprises and upsets down the line. An examination of each partner’s role expectations is important.
6) Develop Personal, Couple, Family Goals and Marriage Vision: It amazes me how many married couples have never discussed their relationship goals – let alone personal or family. This is a long term investment together. Where do they each want to be in five years? Approximately when would they like to have children? How many children? There are many areas that can be explored and it can be a fun exercise to do together. I encourage each partner to think about each other’s goals and how to combine them into one vision (adapted from Harville Hendrix).
The previous elements of premarital counseling have resonated strongly with people in my own practice. I’ve recently incorporated them into a eWorkbook for couples to do at home if there are financial or time restraints around getting in to see a counselor. It’s called Therapy-at-Home Workbooks™: Premarital Counseling. I still believe face to face counseling is the ideal scenario but I also know that there are those out there for whom another option might be a better fit. This workbook is for them.
©Copyright 2008 by Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Lisa and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
July 30th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
When I read this list, I found myself thinking “check, check, check…” in regards to each of the six items listed. Then, I realized that I could check these items off in my premarital, engaged days, but could I check them off now? Even though I’ve been married for twenty years, this list is a great refresher. These are things I need to pay attention to. Neglecting them could mean that the next 20 years won’t be as enjoyable or meaningful…
July 30th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
As a premarital counselor myself, I always find it helpful to do a good examination of anger. So many young people come to me and feel that anger is something to be hidden and ashamed of. Once the stigma of anger is taken away, we can look at good, constructive ways to deal with anger that will inevitably enter a married relationship.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:46 am
Premarital counseling is so tragically overlooked by so many people. I have always been an advocate of the state requiring at least four premarital counseling sessions with a licensed counselor before granting a marriage license. I would love to see a state give this a try-I wonder what would happen to the divorce rate.
July 31st, 2008 at 8:04 am
I dabbled in premarital counseling for a time and found it largely a waste of time…
July 31st, 2008 at 8:06 am
Adelaide,
Your entry was very sad to me. I wonder if you had your mind made up before you tried it? Were you in any way cynical to the process before you even started seeing clients? By using the term “dabbled” I am left with the feeling that maybe you weren’t really committed to the process. At any rate, I certainly hope you have had more success and happiness with other areas of therapy. All the best to you!
August 3rd, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Our minister required premarital counseling before he would marry my husband and me. Unfortunately although we are still married my husband has still had several affairs and I am not sure that it did anything to strengthen our relationship beforehand. It felt largely symbolic, like we had to do it in order for the minister to marry us. maybe had we done it with someone outside of the church we may have had better success.
August 4th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Maybe it is better to work with a trained counselor rather than someone who is simply viewing marriage as a rite within the church. One with a little broader experience may better help couples realize some of the more real world situations that couples often face and may be able to provide them with better alternatives for helping in these situations. I do think that church counseling certainly has its time and its place but it does not work for everyone. Therapy is not a cookie cutter solution. It has to meet the needs of each individual and that can be tough who has never had extensive training in the field of therapy or counseling.
August 5th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
I think that recognizing the expectations that each partner has regarding what the relationship is going to be about is key to a successful marriage! I have seen a good number of clients in the past who simply go into marriage with very unrealistic expectations about their role, that of the spouse, and marriage in general. These unrealistic expectations will typically only set one up for disappointment when one or the other does not live up to what you dreamed it would be. That is what can be so great about premarital counseling. It can help a couple get square in their beliefs and expectations of what their marriage will be like and help avoid later misunderstandings.
August 7th, 2008 at 5:22 am
But many people have not had good role models at all as far as seeing what a healthy marriage should look like. How do we teach these people what good relationships are all about?
August 7th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Great discussion going on here.
I completely agree with Jesse’s comment about how the elements I outlined could be useful as a refresher to couples who have been married for many years. So many married couples could benefit from this type of reminder - to avoid being in front of a therapist teetering on the brink of divorce years later.
Chester makes a great point about anger being a healthy emotion that only can benefit from being expressed in ways that aren’t hurtful. We all can benefit from remembering that at one time or another! Anger will inevitably come up in a marriage - it’s what the couple does with it that can make the difference.
The religious based counseling vs therapy based counseling discussion is an interesting topic as well. Each has something unique to offer - either through the framework of religion or relationship dynamics. Then there are those who have training/experience in both.
At the end of the day the couple will make the decision together as to which resonates with them more. Each lens will certainly be different.
Jeannette - you’re absolutely right in that many people, unfortunately, have unhelpful modeling by their parents. I believe they can relearn a better way through each other. Helping them to be aware of what they learned, normalizing their experience of not knowing any different then educating them how to do things differently - and practice with their partner. I find fostering empathy for one another’s experience as children with poor models is helpful as well. Like Hendrix (imago therapy) has written and spoken so much about - we can heal through our partners.
August 10th, 2008 at 4:34 am
I love the idea of a refresher course! I too have been in a situation where you feel like the marriage is in a funk- you have not stopped loving one another you have just forgotten all of the good things that have come from the relationship. A course or line of treatment like this would serve many couples well.
August 11th, 2008 at 10:09 am
I need this refresher course! :-)
August 18th, 2008 at 7:45 am
This marriage counseling “refresher course” has got my wheels turning. I’m wondering if we as therapists offered this as a service - essentially providing education around these premarital counseling ideas - that some couples in long term marriages might really find this beneficial. Hmmm…my wheels are turning. It makes very good sense.
August 21st, 2008 at 3:07 am
I would be all for that Lisa! I meet many couples at various times, and once you become friendly with them realize that everyone can use a little sharpening of the skills. This might work for couples who have been married 1 year, 5 years, or even 25 years! I wonder how much the actual divorce rate in the country may go down if something like this were implemented and made readily available to all interested couples?