Marriage Counseling When Divorce Has Been Considered
July 16th, 2008 |By Chesley C. Swanson, LMSW
Click here to contact Chesley and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile
Marriage counseling is an attempt to help a couple resolve any number of types of problems they may be having in their marriage, and to empower them to go forward and have a more successful relationship. No matter what combination of problems, couples seek counseling to get a better understanding of what has gone wrong in their marriage. Throughout a marriage it is common for resentment due to unresolved issues to build up to such an extent that one or both partners may feel hopeless enough to consider divorce as an option. Frequently, by the time a married couple decides to seek professional help; they have so much resentment built up to such a high level that their issues are much more difficult to resolve, if not impossible. This does not mean that the marriage can not be restored. Although one or both partners may think that seeking marriage counseling is an admission of failure, marriage counseling can help a couple rebuild or restore their relationship.
Even though marriage counseling is usually conducted with both partners present, there are times when a more motivated partner may greatly benefit from individual sessions in regards to the marital relationship or any personal issues affecting their relationship. Marriage counseling usually lasts a short period of time, until the problems are resolving or the couple feel empowered enough to handle any remaining issues on their own.
No one goes into a marriage thinking their marriage may end in divorce. However, because almost half of all marriages do end in divorce, there is an increased need for couples to seek marriage counseling. Although many couples enter counseling as a last-ditch effort to save a troubled relationship, marriage counseling can be seen as a proactive way to improve or enhance something worth preserving. Many couples struggle for years before they make the decision to go to a marriage counselor in an effort to”save” their marriage.
Couples do not have to wait to pursue counseling until they think the only way out is divorce. In most cases marriage counselors can be very effective earlier in the marriage or when the couple first notices some problems. The main exception to the potential effectiveness of marriage counseling occurs when there is severe domestic violence; or even mild domestic violence in which the offending partner or partners will not seek help for violence issues. In most other situations, the earlier couples seek marriage counseling the better. The longer the couple waits and the greater the marital conflict; the harder it is to resolve marital issues. However, if a couple has struggled for years, it is not too late to get marriage counseling in which the partners may renew their energies and mutual goals, refocus their attention, as well as adding a whole new perspective to their relationship.
Frequently marriage counseling can and often does help couples open the lines of communication. How many times do marriage partners say, “We just can’t communicate”? Couples often look to marriage counseling when they can no longer communicate with each other and are so frustrated that they no longer know what to do. It is well accepted that communication is a key to healthy and happy relationships. Marriage counseling often includes the learning of communication and conflict resolution skills, as well as increased understanding of family dynamics.
Marriage counselors are trained in family dynamics; psychoanalysis; and know how to identify client’s needs, interests, and problems. They also have training that allows them to help clients work through the problems and come to mutually beneficial compromises and solutions. Equipped with therapeutic skills the counselor is able to identify underlying problems of which the couple may not have been aware or were not able to confront on their own. Even a very highly functioning person may have difficulties in a marital relationship. A skilled marriage counselor will not do or say anything to trigger a client to feel guilty or blame themselves or their partner for their problems. They will teach clients to work through problems, forgive for the past, and get over negative feelings.
Marriage counseling is worth the time and effort. Couples who are having marital difficulties that they have been unable to resolve on your own and would like to renew and repair their relationship are well advised to try marriage counseling. If a couple is heading toward a possible divorce and have not tried marriage counseling, they will never know for sure whether they could have preserved their marriage unless they make the effort. Even if the couple eventually decides to divorce they will most likely have benefited by the work they have done, the insights they have had, and the skills they have learned during marriage counseling. These benefits can help them in the decoupling process that takes place during and after a separation or divorce.
©Copyright 2008 by Chesley C. Swanson, LMSW. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Chesley and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile
July 17th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
There are so many benefits to marital counseling that it ought to be a rule that all couples should participate in this at some point during their relationship. Marriage counseling is a great way to just get people talking to one another in again, which unfortunately is often lost when couples have been together for a while. It is the perfect non judgemental way to hash out differences and get relationships back on track when they take an unexpected turn for the worse. This is something I would definiteyl recommend for anyone experiencing any type of marital difficulty and something which can give them the tools they need for relationship success for many years to come.
July 17th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Hi Chesley,
I found your post interesting and informative and I would like to add: Marriage today is far more complex. For earlier generations, the roles of men and women were clearly defined and each knew what was expected of them. If these expectations were fulfilled then there was a reasonable chance that the relationship would last for some considerable time, often “till death do you part”.
Counseling can help couples work through their problems and stay together or at least accept that the relationship is over and try to seperate as amicably as possible.
Many Thanks
Regards
Dawn Pugh
July 20th, 2008 at 10:56 am
Unfortunately Dawn, too mantytimes what I see in my practice are couples who did have clearly defined roles at some point in time and then something happens and they want to grow beyond these roles and the other partner in the marriage does not. This is when expectations are defied and one partner or both ends up restless and disillusioned within the relationship. It is nice to have couples who do at least try to work beyond those expectations and develop other ways that their marriages can once again be a success. Otherwise what I try to do for them is help them come to an amicable understanding with one another so that there is the least amoun of residula hurt possible.
July 21st, 2008 at 5:34 am
I am from the mode of thinking that definitely encourages both partners to be present in marriage counseling. I do think there is something to be said for individula sessions but only when bot partners are actively and willingly participating. When only one is looking to better a realtionship it is going to still be doomed to fail. How can one even expect it will work when only one partner takes an active interest?
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:26 pm
But how can you convince an indifferent partner that this may be the best thing for him or her to do in order to salvage the realtionship?
July 23rd, 2008 at 8:22 am
If you truly care about someone still there should have to be no convincing. But I think that is a problem with how people perceive therapy in general of any kind. There is the perception that it is admitting that you have failed when it is not. It is just that we all need a little help with life every now and then and there is somentimes no better way to get the help than with the use and trust of an objective outsider such as a therapist.
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I think that for some people the marital relationship is such an intimate experience that they do not dare let others in, and that is why so many proud people have a hard time seeking out help. Marriages do experience strain, they all do, but going to counseling to help resolve these issues is so much more beneficial than letting the negative emotions build. Even better are those who choose to be proactive rather than reactive and who work on marital issues early to hopefully spare them the pain of divorce later in life.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
As a first hand witness to a family member who tried marriage counseling on her own without input from her husband, I have to voice my opinion that that is just never going to work. Before her divorce my sister tried everything to keep the relationship going and it was very hard for her to accept that it was finally over. I think that the hope for her was that marriage couneling was going to give her all of the magical answers to fix her relationship and she was kind of dumbstruck when it did not. It definitely has to be a collaborative effort in order to be a success.
July 25th, 2008 at 9:50 am
I have to say that a big part of me really agrees with you Jeni. However I never discourage anyone, as part of a couple or as an individual to try therapy for self improvement. Even if it does not accomplish the specific task that you initially set out to do, there is never any harm in exploring what is going on within. That can only make you stronger in the end, even when you do not realize it at that particular point in time.
July 25th, 2008 at 11:20 am
I appreciate your comments. While I understand the concern about only one spouse getting counseling in regards to their marital issues or any issues that affects the relationship, I think that when one part of the family system is improved it can potentially have a positive effect on the whole system. In any counseling, as in life, I believe there are no guarantees for a successful outcome; any therapeutic benefit is good. In response to the question about how to convince the indifferent partner to participate in marriage counseling, I suggest the spouse who wants to participate ask for the other spouses participation by using an “I statement”. Here again, there are no guarantees. However, it is better to try than to give up.
July 27th, 2008 at 4:36 am
I am the personal product of parebts who underwent narital counseling at the very last moment when divorce seemed completely inevitable. And now 20 years later my parents are still together and so much of this is owed to their great experience in counseling that allowed them to freely deal with their issues with one another and to give things another shot. They did and they are so much happier for it today.
July 28th, 2008 at 1:37 am
Stephanie I think that is wonderful. It is always nice to hear about a family that this has worked for rather than always the negative. Thanks.
August 3rd, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Not to be negative but there is just no way that this will work without two willing partners. I have been there and done that. All that happened is that it gave me the confidence that I needed to finally realize that everything was not my fault and that I could make it on my own. I do not begrudge the results though because it did make me realize that my marriage was in essence over and that I am much better alone with my kids rather than as a partner in a marriage that is no longer good for me. Probably not the end result that most marriage counselors want to see but that is my story.
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Well said! I have seen couples who come in on the verge of divorce and have worked through and made things work…and feeling happier than before. At the same time, other people come in to marriage counseling to “prove” that they gave it a try, yet they already know they are done. And when that happens, not much will work. All in all, I believe all couples should give the relationship their best, no matter what it takes. Thanks for such a great article.