Overcoming Fears About Going to Therapy
June 30th, 2008 |by Delyse Ledgard, MA, RCC
Click here to contact Delyse and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
In this article I will address some common attitudes that I see preventing people seeking assistance from therapists, and how they represent interpersonal fears that are related to the work one does in therapy.
Therapy is a commitment to improve your emotional health. In the end you have to make the changes you want in your life, and considering therapy as a way to help you create the life you want is a courageous decision. If you see yourself in the following attitudes I would encourage you to take a closer look at where these beliefs are coming from.
There are a lot of people who would gain from seeing a therapist who have difficulty perceiving the benefit. Here are some of the typical attitudes:
1) I don’t want to become dependent on a therapist.
There is a lot of fear associated with dependency and therapy, and the possibility of becoming dependent on a therapist. If you have experienced trauma or oppression feelings of dependency are very scary, and bring up fears that the other will hurt or control you.
The irony is that dependency is often a rich and rewarding therapeutic issue. If you carry a lot of shame associated with vulnerability then being in need of help goes against the grain. Despite areas of your life not working accepting influence from anyone can be threatening, and results in seeking help when you are in crisis and desperate. From this position you will end up feeling more vulnerable and dependent – so confirming your fear.
On the other side of the coin if you have difficulty taking responsibility for your life you may look to a therapist to tell you what to do. A therapist will work with you to address your fears and make your own decisions.
Whichever side of the coin you lay, finding balance and flexibility to be vulnerable and strong increases your self-acceptance. The relationship with a therapist will reflect your dependency issues that you are struggling with in your life.
2) I am going to find out something I wont like about myself.
Dealing with shame is a difficult and delicate process. Paradoxically in order to heal our shame we need to expose it. Everyone to some degree experiences shame. When the world fails to fulfill our every desire shame develops as a result of interpersonal disconnection. At these times we are exposed, cut off and separated by the responses to our innocent requests. These responses range from confusion and misunderstanding to anger, judgment and humiliation. This leaves us feeling that what we want is unwelcome and disgusting. We develop a connection to our desires and ultimately ourselves as shameful. As a result of our shame, and in an effort to prevent our self from experiencing the shame, we disown these aspects of ourselves.
Therapy is a process, which turns this around, and we learn that we are not shameful or vile. It is a catch 22 in that we don’t want anyone to really see into our deepest darkest secrets, and at the same time we just want to be ok as we are. The relationship with a therapist can feel terrifying when we anticipate these aspects of our self being seen. Conversely, when we feel the loving acceptance of a therapist it can feel incredibly relieving, and supports us to be who we are.
A defensive “I am fine just the way I am” is another version of this fear. One will maintain this position to prevent the possibility of discovering what we fear to be true – that is that I am not ok!
It takes courage to enter into a process that explores inner experiences. It is understandable that if you could maintain control over experiencing difficult emotions such as shame, you would. However, this is likely to continue to create a split between what you present on the outside and what you feel on the inside leaving you with a feeling of disconnection from yourself and others.
3) I have a good relationship with my parents now. I don’t want to blame them for things that are in the past.
This represents not only a fear that you will confront your parents and end up disturbing the relationship, but also a resistance to change, and the fear of facing reality. We know that our experience has shaped us, but to address it means changing the ways we have coped with it. Often we cope by pretending things are ok when they are not.
It is unfortunately true that many parents have failed their children – sometimes in quite horrific ways. In order to make changes to how we feel about ourselves we need to see our experiences for what they are. We may have turned many painful experiences against our self when we were young in order to cope with being dependent on those hurting us. The process of turning this around requires a perspective that we are not responsible for being hurt.
So changing how we feel about ourselves today is inevitably going to change the way we are in relationships, and our perspective on our experiences.
In my experience, living more truthfully sorts out whom you really want in your life.
4) Only losers go for therapy.
What is associated with this attitude is the myth that only people with serious problems (that the rest of the well adjusted population don’t have), go for counseling. So if you go for counseling that obviously means you are inadequate, weak, or crazy! At your core you may fear that you are crazy, and you will lose control, but as long as you can project it out onto others you are safe. Sane and insane become extremes.
We all encounter times in our life that cause us pain. We all struggle with not knowing what to do. We all have to deal with healing from the betrayal of others. We all develop unhelpful and destructive ways of coping. We all have to come to terms with our self. No one is immune from these experiences, and depending on a number of circumstances and resources available to you at the time, seeking assistance is just plain smart.
5) I tried therapy once and it didn’t work.
We want instant results and relief from pain. This attitude can reflect how we are influenced by a world that does not tolerate discomfort. When I hear this expressed I often get a sense that the person may be giving up a little too easily, and that it can be a way of expressing their fear about counseling. They can leave the process before it goes into things too deeply. Making a mediocre effort can be a way to set yourself up for failure and keep you safe.
If you had an experience that was negative it can simply be a matter that it was not a good fit. It takes courage to get back on the horse, but you can use your experience to make a better choice for yourself. It is important to take some time to research and talk to several counselors to get a feel for whom you are comfortable with.
©Copyright 2008 by Delyse Ledgard, MA, RCC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Delyse and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
July 9th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
In my experiences in the past I have seen quite a few people who are very resistant to the idea of change and who are concerned that therapy will change their inner soul and who they are. One very important aspect to counseling and any therapy session is to stress to the person that we are not there to change them in any way but are there to help them achieve something they may not have yet been able to attain by themselves. This may be inner peace, resolution of a conflict, or any such issue. We as counselors are simply there to listen to their problems and help them as they take the journey to become whole and healthy again.
July 14th, 2008 at 6:56 am
I guess I am one of those people who has always been a little scared of therapy. I think it is a great concept for many but I have so many reservations for myself. I am trying to get there though. I will keep you posted.
July 17th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Yiu know I have to admit that for a while in my life I too was one of those people who thought that only losers went to therapy and that was osmething that was not for me. However there have been some very strong realizations in my life over the past several months or so that this is not the case. Therapy can be so beneficial for many of us and I highly recommend that if you do have some deep personla issues to work out or if you just need someone to talk to this is the route to take. There have been so many times that I have left my counselor’s office feeling emotionally lighter I guees is a good way to describe it. I can unload and know that he is not going to judge me negatively. This was the best thing I have ever done for myself and am just grateful that I have finally gotten there.
July 21st, 2008 at 5:23 am
I still do not understand the fear in going to a counselor or therapist. For me like others on this site it has been a wonderful experience. It has not always been easy and I would never profess it to be so, but it has been so helpful for me in so many different aspects of my life that I cannot imagine who or what I would be without it.
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:35 pm
But there are many others out there who have never had a positive experience with opening up and sharing their lives with others and I think that it is in this population that you will see the most reticence about attending a counseling or therapy session. It is imperative that for these people that you explain the process as a part of a journey that they must be willing to take in order to be free of the things in life that may continue to bring them down without some work. You must explain that the process may be arduous but well worth it and so freeing in the end.
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:08 pm
One of the biggest hesitations that I see in people about not wanting to go to therapy is that they are simply scared of showing their true selves. many feel like you are going to jdge them severely for their past behaviors and may just do not understand that it is not the job of a therapist to judge but rather to help them find meaning in their lives and to help them discover a wya to give that back to others. There is to be no shame in seeking counseling or therapy. Rather use it as a learning tool, as a way to give more and to be more.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
When people have a bad initial experience with a therapy situation I can see how it would be hard for them to give it a try again though. Maybe that is where much of the hesitation stems from and not just that they are unwilling to try it. Maybe they feel like they tried it before, it did not work and that there is no reason for them to believe that it will help them the second time around.
July 25th, 2008 at 9:55 am
But there is never any way to know without trying! Going to a counsleing session for me is almost like lifting a huge weight from my chest. I always feel so relieved afterwards, like I can breathe again. For me it has been a great experience and I would recommend it for anyone experiencing difficulties in their lives.
July 27th, 2008 at 4:47 am
A good counselor will be able to help a patient let go of their fears over time but it is going to take time and trust. It is not something that will come overnight- it will take effort on the part of all involved to make that happen. I have seen patients for many years who still are hesitant about coming to appointments from time to time because they just do not know what they are going to be facing when they get there. That is why it is my job to make them comfortable, to keep them talking, and develop a conversation with them that will not stop just because they get uncomfortable. That is what a good counselor and a good friend does for others.
July 28th, 2008 at 1:43 am
Maggie I agree with you. We are about so much more than what our titles and job descriptions imply. We are there to be a friend and to help people work through their personal issues. This can be threatening to some. However I feel that when you do your job in a caring manner and only want the best for your patienys you wil indeed make a big difference in their lives and they will take what you have given them and be able to walk away stronger and more confident in themselves and their abilities than ever before.
August 4th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Why are people so afraid of therapy? This I do not get.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:42 am
I was very anxious about seeing a counsellor - I had to reach a real crisis point in my life before I got there and I have to say it is the best thing that I ever did. I can relate to all these reasons for not going and they have all come into play at some point. I can see how I turned my child hood experiences in on my self and it is such a relief now to feel that I am, in reality, just like everyone else - I would urge anyone who is unhappy with some aspect of their lives or themselves to seek out help - from someone qualified to give it. It is scary - but you owe it to yourself to take care of every aspect of yourself!
August 12th, 2008 at 10:56 am
As someone who experienced abuse as a child by a family member I can remember being terribly frightened to pursue the path of counseling. But am I ever so glad that I did! At first I greatly misunderstood what would happen during counseling and that is what I think scares people most of all- fear of the unknown, of what will happen or come out during those sessions. Once you get past all of that though you learn that counseling can be a very enlightening experience for you and that it can indeed make a dramatic difference in you for the rest of your life. For those of you who are hesitant about going to counseling I say get over those fears and do it. It might just be the best thing you have ever done for yourself!
September 20th, 2008 at 7:59 am
You’ve sparked such an excellent discussion of this issue. The fear of going into therapy is such a huge problem. No matter how someone ultimately decides to proceed, getting over that initial fear of seeking help needs to be conquered before even the first phone call or the first “google” search can be made!
Thank you for bringing such a thoughtful discussion out into the open.I’m sure others will benefit from it.