Blogging on Good Therapy

By Delyse Ledgard, MA, RCC

Click here to contact Delyse and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Intimacy speaks to something shared between individuals who trust and respect each other. A connection that is transparent and honest, that takes courage. Feeling close to someone can be manufactured out of illusion and characterized by a disquiet that leaves one feeling unsure of the closeness. Sharing similarities can be part of developing closeness and intimacy as long as it is not a habit to avoid differences. Self-differentiation, defined as the ability to stand in one’s own space with out taking over the other, is commonly viewed as an important aspect of intimacy. On the other hand, spiritual intimacy involves dissolving boundaries and ego identity into a cosmic oneness. Perhaps this speaks to the way intimacy cannot occur with a strong protection of the ego. There needs to be a ‘taking in’ of each other.

My particular definition of intimacy states that it is a shared physical and/or emotional space where there is an exchange that furthers an understanding of each other and your connection to one another. Intimacy results in an experience of being known by the other. This exchange occurs at it’s deepest when there is a focus on what occurs between you. In other words, being a confidant while it may produce a feeling of closeness has much less impact on your personal understanding of each other or your relationship to one another. So in this exchange we could say that the deepest intimacy occurs when you are able to say to the other what you cannot say to anyone else. This relates to the intimate dialogue.

Sharing direct experience of each other typically evokes feelings of anxiety as we are faced with the different-ness of the other. I believe this is due to experiencing the possibility of truly being seen by our beloved as we express our experience. When we feel close due to similarities and agreements we don’t have to feel the possibility of our individuality being in question, or even worse rejected. To be seen can go either way, accepted or rejected. However, relationships and connections to others are crucial to our self-development. We cannot be truly seen if we are in isolation, and if we are not seen there is no mirror in which to process our reflection. The trepidation in which we approach an intimate dialogue reflects the pain of our shame. After all what do we believe others will see if at our core we only see failure and inadequacy, and yet, our shame cannot be transformed until it is witnessed and processed through the heart of another. There is the awful dilemma.

Engaging in intimate dialogue can be like venturing into unknown dangerous territory. You don’t quite know what you will encounter or whether you will make it back out in one piece. However, the discoveries you can make can be priceless and transformative. So it can be when we venture to open our self to another. As we stand before our partner and prize open our trembling heart entrusting it to their goodwill and care, we don’t know what will happen. Intimate dialogue does not necessarily come easily, we have to work hard to help the other person understand us, keep in check our emotional reactions that cause us to want to storm away or attack, and learn to patiently listen to their often clumsy expressions or uncomfortable feelings towards us. So attempting to be intimate can go awry, you could just as easily end up in your separate corners than feel closer with a deeper understanding.

Of course practicing helps. Just like climbing a mountain regular exercise is going to make it easier and give you confidence that you can deal with the terrain. Many couples that come in to see me are out of practice or just don’t understand how important it is to communicate in this way. The later are often couples where their lives have gone on for many years seemingly content. They never argue and report that they get along well, often doing many things together. Why would they open themselves to the possibility of disrupting all of that? Yet here they are in my office because they feel disconnected and have lost their passion for each other. There is deadness between them.

To practice deepening intimacy first requires lovers to practice an attitude of respect. This begins with a realization that the other is a separate individual. This may sound obvious but what it requires is acceptance of the other and their experience as legitimate. When we are communicating about what occurs between us and the effect we have on each other the impact of our partners can be anything from frustrating to painful or shaming. Once respect has been lost intimacy is not possible because both parties are invading each other in an attempt to change the other. Our desire to change them may come from a place of not feeling respected or from simply not accepting they have different ways of doing and being in the world. Either way we want them to stop doing what they are doing and stop now. Respect allows the other to be who they are and change at their own pace. Respect means inhibiting our desire to invade. This takes practice and is the practice of love to acknowledge and repair the moments of invasion between you.

Approaching each other with respect helps shape the communication with responsibility for your own actions and feelings. When each partner speaks from his or her experience there is often less defensiveness, which allows for more understanding. You can take in more of what the other is saying. A simple ‘formula’ to practice is ‘ when you (…) I experience (…. ). This can apply to saying loving affectionate sentiments as well as frustrations and disappointments For eg a positive expression would be ‘when you (——) I feel warm all over and it makes me smile’. A negative expression would be along the lines of ‘when you (….) I feel like I want to throttle you! To acknowledge that you want to invade (throttle you!) is not the same as invading which would be to say ‘can’t you just keep quiet! Silencing is a way to ‘throttle’ them.

In ‘taking in’ the other we also need to refrain from taking responsibility for them. Another aspect of respect is to resist being a caretaker. Sometimes no matter how a person expresses their experience as their own responsibility, to some, the mere existence of the other evokes a need to take responsibility for them. In other words, the above formula is not foolproof. However, it provides a good place to start and practice from. Another issue that can get in the way of taking in the perspective of others is when our sense of self is fragile and our partner’s perspective brings up a fear that we be engulfed. Couples, who hold on tightly to their perspective as being right, are an example of how this may occur.

Deepening intimacy is a continuous process that takes practice. One that involves developing respect and being aware of the many ways we can invade each other, taking responsibility for oneself, and learning to share yourself in an open and forthright manner. Click here to contact Delyse and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

©Copyright 2008 by Delyse Ledgard, MA, RCC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.

This entry was posted on Monday, June 16th, 2008 at 8:07 pm and is filed under Marriage Counseling, Relationships, & Intimacy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.