Comments on: Joined at The Hip? 9 typical dynamics that represent merging. http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/06/10/joined-at-the-hip/ <<exploring healthy therapy & counseling>> Tue, 02 Dec 2008 20:52:33 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.2 By: runninfast http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/06/10/joined-at-the-hip/#comment-9949 runninfast Sun, 20 Jul 2008 20:11:03 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=515#comment-9949 Thanks Lisa I totally agree with your comments. There is a time where you do merge completely with the person in your relationship, and that is typically in the beginning. But in the long run those in healthy situations find a way to regain themselves again without losing the specialness of their relationship. That is what we should all strive for rather than being those who just competely give up who they are for the sake of keeping a relationship going. That can be dangerous. Thanks Lisa I totally agree with your comments. There is a time where you do merge completely with the person in your relationship, and that is typically in the beginning. But in the long run those in healthy situations find a way to regain themselves again without losing the specialness of their relationship. That is what we should all strive for rather than being those who just competely give up who they are for the sake of keeping a relationship going. That can be dangerous.

]]> By: Lisa Kift http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/06/10/joined-at-the-hip/#comment-9781 Lisa Kift Wed, 02 Jul 2008 13:51:23 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=515#comment-9781 If we're strictly talking about "new" relationships, I believe some of this is a natural response to the honeymoon phase of a relationship. Many people will likely move back towards some independence at some point. In other cases, where there's a tendency for a person to lose their independence in relationships as a whole - clues to this can lie in emotional attachment (or lack of) to our primary caregivers. A lot of people in my couples practice who have a tendency to lose themself in another had emotionally unavailable parents. These unmet needs can be carried into adult attachment relationships (intimate partners). Poor self concept can be a result of not feeling loved - or rejected by a parent (particularly the opposite sex if they are heterosexual). If the person carries the belief "I'm not lovable," they may attempt to gain their self worth in another. If we’re strictly talking about “new” relationships, I believe some of this is a natural response to the honeymoon phase of a relationship. Many people will likely move back towards some independence at some point.

In other cases, where there’s a tendency for a person to lose their independence in relationships as a whole - clues to this can lie in emotional attachment (or lack of) to our primary caregivers. A lot of people in my couples practice who have a tendency to lose themself in another had emotionally unavailable parents. These unmet needs can be carried into adult attachment relationships (intimate partners).

Poor self concept can be a result of not feeling loved - or rejected by a parent (particularly the opposite sex if they are heterosexual). If the person carries the belief “I’m not lovable,” they may attempt to gain their self worth in another.

]]> By: amyhop http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/06/10/joined-at-the-hip/#comment-9749 amyhop Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:58:39 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=515#comment-9749 Why is it that the element of independence completely disappers for some people when they get involved in new relationships? That is not a concept that we need to lose and yet so mnay of us do. Why is it that the element of independence completely disappers for some people when they get involved in new relationships? That is not a concept that we need to lose and yet so mnay of us do.

]]> By: Nikki http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/06/10/joined-at-the-hip/#comment-9711 Nikki Sun, 29 Jun 2008 20:00:15 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=515#comment-9711 I think that merging with someone on such an emotional, intellectual, and physical level takes a great deal of time along with trial and error. There are so few people who are willing to put in that kind of time and make their relationships a success. I think that merging with someone on such an emotional, intellectual, and physical level takes a great deal of time along with trial and error. There are so few people who are willing to put in that kind of time and make their relationships a success.

]]> By: Lisa Kift http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/06/10/joined-at-the-hip/#comment-9665 Lisa Kift Sat, 28 Jun 2008 14:52:28 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=515#comment-9665 I saw Daniel Siegel speak a few yeas ago and it was fascinating. It was the first time that I learned that new neural pathways can be forged which can recondition people's reactions - either individually or in a relationship. We as therapists have such a unique opportunity to help facilitate this process with our clients - particularly individuals who have never been modeled validation, empathy, concern, etc. It's a testament to the potential power of the therapuetic relationship. It's very exciting and I look forward to learning more about Interpersonal Neurobiology. I didn't realize changes can occur on a genetic level as well. Wow! http://www.lisakifttherapy.com Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT I saw Daniel Siegel speak a few yeas ago and it was fascinating. It was the first time that I learned that new neural pathways can be forged which can recondition people’s reactions - either individually or in a relationship.

We as therapists have such a unique opportunity to help facilitate this process with our clients - particularly individuals who have never been modeled validation, empathy, concern, etc. It’s a testament to the potential power of the therapuetic relationship.

It’s very exciting and I look forward to learning more about Interpersonal Neurobiology. I didn’t realize changes can occur on a genetic level as well. Wow!

http://www.lisakifttherapy.com

Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

]]> By: Christopher Diggins http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/06/10/joined-at-the-hip/#comment-9507 Christopher Diggins Tue, 17 Jun 2008 02:56:31 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=515#comment-9507 david, I listened to the dialogue between these two creative scientists and I liked the part about the 90 year old woman who never learned to talk or learned the language of the mind. I was moved by the event where she was sad that she did not get the part in the play and was punished for being sad. I was reminded of being in my own family and being punished or humiliated for having feelings. I did not learn the language of the mind either and what this really comes down to is not learning the language of the heart. The pain of the loneliness for the child in these situations is much worse than the disappointment of not getting the acting part. This lack of connection, the pain from this, the rise of cortisol levels cause damage to the brain, the limbic brain and creates neural pathways which lead one to certain, unhealthy behaviors like what John Gottman calls the four horseman- withdrawal, stonewalling, contempt, and blaming. And the healing process occurs when the individual learns to create new neural pathways as the plasticity of the brain allows this to occur. This new science, Interpersonal Neurobiology, is a wondrous discovery. There are also suggestions that we can not only change neurons but genes as well. All of this happens as a result of connecting with core emotions and establishing the emotional connection with others. www.relationalcounselingseattle.com Christopher Diggins david,
I listened to the dialogue between these two creative scientists and I liked the part about the 90 year old woman who never learned to talk or learned the language of the mind. I was moved by the event where she was sad that she did not get the part in the play and was punished for being sad. I was reminded of being in my own family and being punished or humiliated for having feelings. I did not learn the language of the mind either and what this really comes down to is not learning the language of the heart.

The pain of the loneliness for the child in these situations is much worse than the disappointment of not getting the acting part. This lack of connection, the pain from this, the rise of cortisol levels cause damage to the brain, the limbic brain and creates neural pathways which lead one to certain, unhealthy behaviors like what John Gottman calls the four horseman- withdrawal, stonewalling, contempt, and blaming.

And the healing process occurs when the individual learns to create new neural pathways as the plasticity of the brain allows this to occur. This new science, Interpersonal Neurobiology, is a wondrous discovery. There are also suggestions that we can not only change neurons but genes as well. All of this happens as a result of connecting with core emotions and establishing the emotional connection with others.

http://www.relationalcounselingseattle.com

Christopher Diggins

]]> By: david http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/06/10/joined-at-the-hip/#comment-9495 david Mon, 16 Jun 2008 16:10:59 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=515#comment-9495 christopher, there is a really interesting conversation between Siegel and Daniel Goleman that deals with precisely your point in interesting ways. you can find it on the publisher's website morethansound.net, best, david christopher,

there is a really interesting conversation between Siegel and Daniel Goleman that deals with precisely your point in interesting ways. you can find it on the publisher’s website morethansound.net, best, david

]]> By: Donna http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/06/10/joined-at-the-hip/#comment-9489 Donna Mon, 16 Jun 2008 15:15:45 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=515#comment-9489 I have been in irresponsible relationships like this before where I have found myself thinking that if he loved me more he could read my mind, etc. There is such a neediness in these types of scenarios that it can wear you down to nothing. It really helps me to read articles like this to know where I never want to be again. I have been in irresponsible relationships like this before where I have found myself thinking that if he loved me more he could read my mind, etc. There is such a neediness in these types of scenarios that it can wear you down to nothing. It really helps me to read articles like this to know where I never want to be again.

]]> By: Christopher Diggins http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/06/10/joined-at-the-hip/#comment-9479 Christopher Diggins Sun, 15 Jun 2008 16:48:18 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=515#comment-9479 A post from www.goodtherapy.org touched on another of my favorite topics- the balance between intimacy with another and intimacy or connection within oneself. We must be able to connect internally or innerpersonally and externally or interpersonally. The post eloquently addresses what is problematic in relationships, merging and dependency, and it is common for these to occur since growing and connecting in relationships can only occur in relationships. We cannot do it alone. We must find that balance between inner and outer connection. How do we do that? http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/category/articles-relationships/ My experience as a therapist and as a relationship partner tells me that we have to be able to use this "problematic" behavior as the catalyst or as the pathway to develop a solidity in ourselves and from this place be able to be present in our own experience and then be present for our partner as they go through their emotional healing experiences. The reason for dependency and merging is our emotional past stored in "implicit" memory. We must be able to identify and separate our unhealthy dependency from early life relationships and not "act it out" in current adult situations since the relationship partner cannot fix this dependency. The other can help us heal this dependency from our past by helping us be with and heal the pain. This is a slippery road. Hedy Schleifer's online presentation a few weeks ago on goodtherapy.org was extremely helpful in this endeavor. She spoke of "crossing the bridge" where one person crosses into the others world to be with their experience and to set ones own experience aside temporarily. This is not supporting depency or merging and it is extremely helpful for both partners to be in one's world and get to know this experience. Most people have never had the benfit of this connection. In Interpersonal Neurobiology this connection is seen as having an impact on the limbic brain of both participants where new neural pathways are created as well as oxytocin being generated. The more oxytocin the more potential for connection and the more connection the more oxytocin. This process of healing is based on these neurological changes which can bring about permanent changes not only to neurons but also to genetic makeup as well. (See Daniel Siegel) A post from http://www.goodtherapy.org touched on another of my favorite topics- the balance between intimacy with another and intimacy or connection within oneself. We must be able to connect internally or innerpersonally and externally or interpersonally. The post eloquently addresses what is problematic in relationships, merging and dependency, and it is common for these to occur since growing and connecting in relationships can only occur in relationships. We cannot do it alone. We must find that balance between inner and outer connection. How do we do that?

http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/category/articles-relationships/

My experience as a therapist and as a relationship partner tells me that we have to be able to use this “problematic” behavior as the catalyst or as the pathway to develop a solidity in ourselves and from this place be able to be present in our own experience and then be present for our partner as they go through their emotional healing experiences.

The reason for dependency and merging is our emotional past stored in “implicit” memory. We must be able to identify and separate our unhealthy dependency from early life relationships and not “act it out” in current adult situations since the relationship partner cannot fix this dependency. The other can help us heal this dependency from our past by helping us be with and heal the pain. This is a slippery road.

Hedy Schleifer’s online presentation a few weeks ago on goodtherapy.org was extremely helpful in this endeavor. She spoke of “crossing the bridge” where one person crosses into the others world to be with their experience and to set ones own experience aside temporarily. This is not supporting depency or merging and it is extremely helpful for both partners to be in one’s world and get to know this experience. Most people have never had the benfit of this connection.

In Interpersonal Neurobiology this connection is seen as having an impact on the limbic brain of both participants where new neural pathways are created as well as oxytocin being generated. The more oxytocin the more potential for connection and the more connection the more oxytocin. This process of healing is based on these neurological changes which can bring about permanent changes not only to neurons but also to genetic makeup as well. (See Daniel Siegel)

]]> By: Margo http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/06/10/joined-at-the-hip/#comment-9469 Margo Fri, 13 Jun 2008 01:12:21 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=515#comment-9469 I honestly do not think that there can be a healthy relationship when any of the above factors are allowed to come into play. A healthy realtionship is about loving the person that you are with but also being able to grow and learn and love while you are away from him or her as well. There needs to be no manipulation when you have truly found the right person for you. I honestly do not think that there can be a healthy relationship when any of the above factors are allowed to come into play. A healthy realtionship is about loving the person that you are with but also being able to grow and learn and love while you are away from him or her as well. There needs to be no manipulation when you have truly found the right person for you.

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