Coming on strong with threats about what will happen if such and such disrespectful behavior occurs alerts everyone we don’t have confidence children will cooperate or we expect children to spark more problems than solutions. We can anticipate and expect respect and cooperation, and, as you point out, it benefits all involved if we are clear about our expectation. Also, let’s be clear about what we are going to give. How often did we hear teachers tell us, “I’ll show you respect because you deserve it, our classroom deserves it, and I deserve it.”? Never. We hear, “I’ll show you respect if you respect me.” which sounds more like the code ethics among criminal gangs.
Of course, we need a clue about what to do when disrespect comes along, but we’d be better off setting up and expecting respectful relationships from the start.

Upstatesc, your question of how to step out of the cycle of disrespect is very important. Someone has to make the first move, unless they show up for counseling together and decide to take that step together.

I typically look to the adults to lead. Someone has to be the adult in the situation. That is not to blame the adult for the cycle, but to lean on their responsibility and good will as a parent to move first. The good news is that parents, even most of the parents commonly judged to be bad or troubled, are willing to make changes. Every parent has a value/dream of what family could be. We tap into that and point out how mutual respect and cooperation will give the best chance of getting there.

Other comments have referred to parenting classes as a fix. I routinely run parenting classes and can say that all types of parents benefit from them. But parents take away what is meaningful to them and not always what you or I see as meaningful. All we can do is honor that growth and encourage them to continue to grow. That is all I can do in my own growth as a parent and would not expect anything else from others.

Lastly, there was a suggestion to discipline children for their disrespect. I agree if by discipline you mean teach and set a limit. The limit must be your own limit, what you are willing or not willing to do given the disrespect that exists. For example, when my children yell at me or are rude in conversation (usually a conversation about computer use or television) I will refuse to discuss it further until we can try again in a more respectful manner. The limit is communicated by controlling myself (ending my side of the conversation/argument), not by attempting to control the child. We can teach them experientially that disrespect erodes our good will and interest in cooperating (e.g, my willingness to share my computer). If done without threats or dishing back disrespect, our children perceive rudeness to be ineffective. If we discipline with disrespectful tactics, they perceive the parent, not their own behavior, to be the problem.

If we only knew as much about our kids as we know about football.