The Blind Bind Of Male Depression
May 7th, 2008 |By Patti Desert, LCSW-C, CEMDR, CP
Click here to contact Patti and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Many men have a difficult time recognizing that they are depressed. Men often interpret the word “depression” as describing a state of helplessness or hopelessness, accompanying a general sense of feeling fragile or vulnerable. In many ways our culture conditions men to ignore these states or to experience little awareness of them. Men are taught “boys don’t cry,” and are uniformly rewarded with praise and validation when they “act like a man” instead of tearing up or expressing fear in response to a harshly distressing encounter. After years of this kind of persistent reinforcement these boys grow into men with a form of blindness whereby they often do not see or understand the nature of depression and they can become bound by painfully repetitive behaviors and feelings with no knowledge that they can change.
What men do recognize is the feeling of stress and they will commonly describe situations as stressful with no awareness that those situations are the triggers stimulating an internal state of dis-ease that often leads to depression. The following are some of the less recognizable experiences that men commonly describe as stressful and that are symptomatic of depression.
SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION
–high levels of anxiety — irritability, and/or anger –low energy and/or fatigue –loss or lack of confidence –loss of interest in favorite activities –weight loss or gain –loss of sex drive –sleep problems –inability to relax –obsessive-compulsive behavior – frequent suffering from vague physical ailments
TRIGGERS OF DEPRESSION
Many normal and joyous life experiences can trigger depression. A new relationship, a new baby, a new home or job, a large inheritance, or even winning the lottery. Each of these events bring additional and, at times, unfamiliar experiences that can inhibit a man’s ability to effectively manage these new experiences. If such a situation continues long enough a man’s self worth can diminish and depression can then set in.
Separation, divorce, loss of a job, retirement, a death, constant and unrelenting pressures from others to do things their way–these also can tax a man’s sense of competency and self-worth. When having difficulty coping with these painful life experiences many men will present a “stiff upper lip” and try harder and harder. And if, by chance, they do have trouble functioning effectively, they will suffer intense anxiety, tension, and fatigue. With no relief they will begin experiencing more of the symptoms listed above.
Physical illness and unrelenting pain can also trigger depression. Pain is the body’s red alert system that something is misfiring, and the nervous system is the first responder to engage our defense system to bring relief. When pain is intense enough or it persists long enough it creates unrelieved stress on our natural biological defense systems. Once that happens our immune system and other related defense systems become compromised and can no longer provide necessary relief. One of the common results of this biologically-based depletion is depression. The biological and chemical effects of untreated depression then synergistically trigger an even wider system breakdown that further weakens our body and makes us susceptible to other physical disorders.
THE BLIND BIND OF MALE DEPRESSION
Men are conditioned from the time they are little boys to be problem solvers, doers, and thinkers. As such they push themselves to meet time lines, sales quotas, budget schedules, financial, emotional, and professional expectations of family and friends. They are not taught to consider or are not aware of the cost these pressures can impose on their physical well being and emotional peace of mind. They are blinded to the understanding that if the cost gets high enough fatigue, irritability, impatience, and the other symptoms listed above start to manifest. They do not recognize that in an effort to gain relief from these symptoms they engage in behaviors that potentially exacerbate the problem.
And so they compulsively and impulsively bind with the distracting excitement or mind numbing experience of a increasing variety of behaviors. Some examples include alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, spending, long periods on the internet, and working harder and longer. Ultimately, instead of bringing relief, these binding behaviors bring an additional set of worries that now includes substance-related depression, financial debt, social isolation, family conflict, a shame-driven perception of self, and a widening rift between the painful state of depression and the support that can bring relief and healing.
HEALING FROM THE BLIND BIND OF DEPRESSION
Men did not ask for this blind-bind state of being. And they cannot return to their pasts and change the experiences that conditioned them to overlook, ignore, or have little understanding of the symptoms of depression and the interactions that trigger it. However, men can learn to recognize the symptoms and seek help.
Depression is treatable and with the support of a knowledgeable doctor and a skilled psychotherapist who has experience and training working with men suffering from depression, the blind bind of male depression can release. And with that release men can then acquire the tools to alleviate the symptoms of depression, to prevent its debilitating re-occurrence, and to live with a consistent sense of healthy and enjoyable connection with self and others.
©Copyright 2008 Patti Desert, LCSW-C, CEMDR, CP. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Patti and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
May 12th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
I myself have suffered from a bout of depression right after I first got married, and I know this made my husband just feel terrible. But he helped me thru that dark time, so when I saw him struggling with some of these same symptoms about two years ago I too tried to help him but he did not want to hear any of it. He thought this was somehow a sign of weakness. He finally has come out of it but i am convinced he could have had a lot easier time if he would not have been so antagonistic about treatment and allowed a trained therapist help him thru this troubling time.
May 12th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
It is hard for women to understand but men are just like that. We think we can solve our problems on our own without the help of others! I know that has to be frustrating to some of you but I know that even I am the same way and it drives my family (mostly women) crazy.
May 13th, 2008 at 2:47 am
I have suffered from a bout of depression a couple of times in my life and I would have perished I think without the help of a good psychiatrist. Now don’t get me wrong- I did not exactly show up at his doorsteps with bells on because I was adamant that I could battle this thing by myself. But I have some really great friends who helped me see otherwise and helped me find the hekp I needed. There is a stigma to any mental illness still in this country so I always try to be open and honest with others about what I have experienced in the past in the hope that it may help someone in the future.
May 13th, 2008 at 2:48 am
That is very brave of you. Depression can be such a debilitating thing, and for you to get past so many of the issues that are present in many males is admirable. Thanks for sharing that with us, and i am glad that it sounds like you are in a good place right now.
May 15th, 2008 at 3:07 am
We have all known someone in our lives who has suffered from prolonged bouts of depression and seen the myriad of ways that it has affected their lives and those of others around them. My brother was one such victim. He ended up taking his own life after struggling for years with this debilitating disease and then trying to mask this through drug and alcohol use. If you see this happening to a family member of yours the time to stop them is now! Help them find the help they need and deserve before your family experiences the pain of what we have had to go through.
May 16th, 2008 at 10:47 am
Ashley I am so sorry for your loss. It has obviously and for good reason caused you and your family much pain in the past. I feel like I know a male friend who is going through the same things but I just do not have the resources to get him to see that he needs help! How do you do that without destrying friendships or do you have to run that risk in order to save a life?
May 19th, 2008 at 5:42 am
I think that you have to risk ending the relationship in order to save his life. If you do not at least try then chances are you are going to lose that person anyway.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Why is it that men often become so oppositional when it comes to receiving treatment for depression? Is it that they are taught from an early age to try to be in control of every situation so that they think they do not need help from others?
May 21st, 2008 at 4:31 am
Yes men are taught very early on to handle things without the help of others. It is such a prevalent notion in society that seeking help is a sign of weakness and this feeds into so many male stereotypes and is perpetuated in many different ways- men can’t cry, seek help and advice, etc. It takes either a strong man or a strong family to help someone break out of this mold and get the guidance they need.
May 26th, 2008 at 7:53 am
Why is this type of thing still taught today? I happen to be married to a man who can express his feelings and I think that we have a much stronger marriage than others that I know as a result of this. It allows both of us to better express our feelings and get everything out rather than keeping it bottled up on the inside.
May 26th, 2008 at 8:11 am
I have suffered from PTSD and depression since I was a teenager. To say it has been a long and painful journey of awareness is an understatement. At 43 I have lost my family, business, health , home, money and anything else you might want to throw in. Its funny, its gotten so bad that I have actually decided to fight back. I have had enough of the crap this illness brings. At this halfway point in my life I have decided to dedicate myself to telling my story and making the second part of my life a positive one. I have started a website for men. It deals specifically with depression and the stigma associated with this stupid disease.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Cory I am so proud of you for taking charge of the situation and deciding to make a step forward again in your life. Your work and efforts are certainly to be commended.
June 12th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
some people think depression it is something like a light switch that can be turned on and off. Having been through this myself I know that’s not true!
June 13th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Way to go Cory! You will find so much joy and healing in writing about your story and helping other men.
For the men I know who suffer, they are lacking in community. Guys when they get together often have to feel like they need to talk big and outdo each other. When do you talk about problems and struggles? There is a huge fear among men to be open and vulnerable with each other. These are the guys who don’t want be ‘feminine’ b/c that’s just what women do - not men.
Perhaps the internet is a great place for guys to vulnerable while being anonymous. Still there is a lack of true community. So sad. As a woman, it was my girl friends who got me through the black tunnel. Social support is huge!
For the married women: love and respect your man even when they screw up. You don’t know how desperately your man wants you to admire them and see them as your hero. The social pressure he feels daily is huge. When he does things right, let him know. I’ve got in the habit of thanking him every time he cleans up the kitchen or whatever. Even though something is common sense or ‘his job’ to do, still thank him! Thank him for the littlest thing if lately he does very little. You’ll soon find that it will grow!
June 19th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
I cant tell about male depression…While these days, blogging therapy help for depression.
sachi
August 3rd, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Excellant discussion on depression and men. As a psychotherapist in Indianapolis Indiana, often therapy groups are useful to assist men with depression symptoms and to try different behaviors in order to make friends with other men. I find that men’s therapy groups also can help educate men about socialization issues that get in the way of emotional intimancy with others and relationships. Often in groups men can practice what they learn in individual therapy. Good blog!