Blogging on Good Therapy

By Barbi Pecenco, MA

Click here to contact Barbi and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

There are plenty of articles out there from relationship experts encouraging the rules of good communication, but rarely does anyone tell us what to do when we have practiced those rules and our partner continues to act unreasonably.

Standing up for yourself is an important relationship skill. But often what we think is standing up for ourselves is actually being critical of our partner and trying to convince them that they are “wrong”. This approach usually does not work because your partner is so busy defending themselves that your message is lost. You are NOT powerful when you are critical; instead you give your power away due to the damage it does to your relationship.

Giving others the benefit of the doubt when they seem to be doing something “wrong” is typically a better reaction than blaming, shaming, judging or criticizing. It’s important that we say, “Hmmm, I wonder what my partner was thinking when he promised to take out the trash and didn’t for the third day in a row” as opposed to “How lazy is he? I’m going to really lay into him this time!”

Instead of attempting to prove your partner wrong (or lazy) in an attempt to stand up for yourself, the alternative is to ask your partner to consider your needs and work with you to negotiate something that is best for the relationship. However, if asking your partner to meet you halfway doesn’t work then it’s time to insist on it.

This can be easier said than done! If you are reasonable when your loved one behaves unreasonably you inadvertently teach them that their behavior is acceptable to you. It does not do you any good to let your partner be disrespectful to you. It erodes not only your self-regard, but your partner’s as well.

There is often no absolute “right” or “wrong” when it comes to behavior. In your reality, which is made up of your belief systems, your relationships, and your past and present experiences, you are completely “right.” But in your partner’s reality he or she is also “right”. It’s often best to forget right and wrong and instead make a commitment to meet in the middle with understanding and compassion for both realities.

If your partner bullies you to get their own way and you give in, you may avoid conflict in the short-term but you will build resentment and your relationship will suffer in the long term. When you can stand up for yourself you never have to build resentment because you know you can require your partner to consider your feelings when you need to.

Here are 7 steps for standing up for yourself:

1) When your partner behaves unreasonably, first try giving them the benefit of the doubt. Instead of telling yourself your partner is a jerk, try assuming that there is a good explanation. Then maintain a curious stance, asking your partner to help you understand what lead them to behave that way. If you keep an open mind and listen for how your partner’s behavior makes sense (at least in their reality) you may come to a new understanding of your partner. Besides, how can you expect your partner to see your side if you do not do the same?

2) If you approach your partner with a nonjudgmental attitude and they become attacking, defensive, or otherwise unreasonable, keep calm and continue to approach your partner with curiosity instead of disdain, letting them know that you are trying to work with them. They likely will not see right away that you are doing something new and may try to draw you into your old pattern.

3) If, despite your best efforts to give the benefit of the doubt, your partner continues to be unresponsive, critical, or disrespectful, it’s time to ask your partner to consider your feelings. Tell him or her that you aren’t necessarily looking to get your way completely, but that you are asking to find some middle ground that takes into account your feelings as well as your partner’s own.

4) If at this point your partner still refuses to listen or is critical of you, it’s time to insist on being heard. Get angry if you need to. Let your partner know that their behavior is not OK with you and that you need to work together to come up with solutions that work for you both. Don’t be willing to accept anything less.

5) If you are still not getting an acceptable response, refuse to engage any further. It can be pointless to keep at this if you aren’t getting anywhere. If your partner is behaving disrespectfully and you stay and try to reason with them, you are teaching them it’s OK to treat you poorly. Rebuff your partner for now.

6) Take a time out and go cool off. Do something that soothes you such as listening to music, petting the dog, or walking around the block. Do NOT sit there and ruminate about what a jerk your partner is or get on the phone with a friend to tell them what a jerk your partner is. This will only build resentment. Tell yourself that it makes sense that your partner will not easily let go of what they want, just as you won’t, and try not to make a huge deal about it.

7) Return when you are ready and ask to try again. Know that you can repeat the steps from the beginning, continuing to stand up for yourself as necessary, so there is no need to panic, or attack or shame your partner into seeing things your way.

If you are dealing with a domestic violence situation, these guidelines likely do not make sense for you. Please seek out counseling and/or call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. Emotional and physical safety in the relationship is a prerequisite to using this skill. If domestic violence is not an issue and you find these tips difficult to do, contact a marriage and family therapist in your area to help you with this important relationship skill.

©Copyright 2008 by Barbi Pecenco, MA. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Barbi and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

By Patti Desert, LCSW-C, CEMDR, CP

Click here to contact Patti and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Many men have a difficult time recognizing that they are depressed. Men often interpret the word “depression” as describing a state of helplessness or hopelessness, accompanying a general sense of feeling fragile or vulnerable. In many ways our culture conditions men to ignore these states or to experience little awareness of them. Men are taught “boys don’t cry,” and are uniformly rewarded with praise and validation when they “act like a man” instead of tearing up or expressing fear in response to a harshly distressing encounter. After years of this kind of persistent reinforcement these boys grow into men with a form of blindness whereby they often do not see or understand the nature of depression and they can become bound by painfully repetitive behaviors and feelings with no knowledge that they can change.

What men do recognize is the feeling of stress and they will commonly describe situations as stressful with no awareness that those situations are the triggers stimulating an internal state of dis-ease that often leads to depression. The following are some of the less recognizable experiences that men commonly describe as stressful and that are symptomatic of depression. (more…)

By Sarah Jenkins, MC, LPC

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At a recent event, I had the joy of watching a boy, no more than seven years old, exploring his world. His energy sparkled and his spirit was pure; he was an “old soul,” to say the least. As part of a “quest” he was asked to bring back the answer to the question “what is wisdom?” He waited patiently as my friend and I considered our reply. The answer was painstakingly difficult, and at best, only touched the surface of wisdom’s substance. “Wisdom is knowing and doing the right thing, even if it is the hardest thing to do.” Off he went, and there we stood, dumbfounded.

I continued to ponder the boy’s question, and our brief answer. I considered how often the universe asks us to do the wisest thing, which is often the thing that hurts the most. Yet, our humanness, and our desire to not suffer, or see others suffering, blocks us from doing that very thing. Instead of pushing through the pain, facing it, exploring the suffering, some chose not to do the wisest thing. It can seem counter intuitive. The wisest thing can be, in actuality, the choice that would hurt the most, initially, even if is more helpful in the long run.

Maybe you know that something in your life is not healthy, right for you, or even puts you in danger. Wisdom tells you “I need to stop this,” but the expectation of the pain from that decision over rules you. Instead of listening to your inner wisdom, you allow the fear of the suffering to take over. You do nothing, or the same thing. We do suffer, and will, but it is at the other side of suffering that wisdom develops. Wisdom comes from experiencing what is difficult, surviving it, healing from it, and ultimately, integrating what is learned. (more…)

A GoodTherapy.org News Update

Death is not a subject most people like to contemplate, especially their own death. Even though counselors are trained to help people prepare for death and cope with death, few are eager to examine the implications of their own death. Sadly, counselors are not immune to horrific acts of crime, as in the case of the murder of a psychologist in New York back in February. While one’s counseling practice may be the last thing on family members’ minds in such a situation, a professional will, just like a personal will, provides assurance that one’s practice is taken care of ethically and responsibly. How many counselors/therapists have a professional will? Very few. In fact, according to Psychotherapy Finances (April 2008), only 1% of surveyed members of the American Psychological Association had a professional will. Why would a counselor need a professional will? Well, consider the following. In the event a counselor dies, what happens? Who notifies the clients and how? What happens to the counselor’s client files? What happens to the counselor’s office? Who notifies the counselor’s insurance company? Who resolves finances associated with the practice? These and other questions can be answered in a professional will.

So what kinds of things should a counselor include in a professional will? According to Kenneth S. Pope, Ph.D., ABPP & Melba J.T. Vasquez, Ph.D., ABPP , the first step in developing a professional will is assigning an executor of the will. Who does the counselor trust with such a task? Ideally, another mental health professional who is familiar with one’s practice is the best choice. Planning out and reviewing the professional will with the chosen executor allows the counselor to have assurance that both clients and the practice are taken care of responsibly in the event of the counselor’s death. Given the lack of information on this subject, it is important that counselors are made aware of professional wills and are provided access to resources for establishing a professional will.

By Lori Payne, LPC-S Click here to contact Lori and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

©Copyright 2008 by GoodTherapy.org All Rights Reserved. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Lori and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile